I struggle everyday not to throw in the towel. We are going on a year from d-day. There have been a lot of good changes it's just hard to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I'm still hopeful it will get better.
It seems that most people around here find that year 2 after d-day is harder than year 1, the worst actually.
We are 17 months out and my BH and I agree that year 2 sucks.
Is your BH on SI? He might find some hope and encouragement here. The party line is that it takes 2-5 years to heal and there are many couples on here who have successfully R'd.
Don't give up.
We put it in front of the MC and a child therapist and the answer was simple - if the kids are asking questions, they need to be told something about what's going on. To not do is to leave them wondering, and a child with unanswered questions about why mommy and daddy are fighting will think THEY are the problem. Those thoughts are a lot more damaging to kids than knowing. We told our kids two things:
"Daddy had a girlfriend when he wasn't supposed to and it makes Mommy very upset"
"This has NOTHING to do with the three of you. Mommy and Daddy love you endlessly and this has NOTHING to do with you" (we tell them this as often as we can on the advice of a children's therapist).
The good news is the kids are okay. Once their questions are answered they go back to being kids and hope we sort ourselves out. There weren't any follow-up questions and obviously, we never told them any of the horrific details of the A.
There is also a BIG benefit to the BS which I only understood after the fact. It relieves some of the stress of them always being the "angry crazy one" in front of the kids. I didn't see it at the time, but our first month after DDay I had so much regret I was the "perfect dad" - I made their breakfast every morning, dinner at night, tucked them in, read to them, etc. at the same time my BS was raging.
Without explanation to the kids this was unfair, i.e. I'm the one who did this YET she was the one who had to lose her mind in front of the kids.
One of the many reasons I agreed to move out in order to protect my BS. Their space is priceless to their healing process...
In what way is it fair to your husband to lie to your kids? Your A has damaged your husband badly and he is struggeling to cope with it. This effects his relationship with the kids in a very negative way. You need to take that of him. The way is to tell the kids so that they understand why and don't start to blame their dad. That would be a double wammy you hit him with. He hurts enough already.
However, you don't give any details. It's enought saing that Mommy hurt dady very badly and it has nothing to do with the kids and that you both love them very much.
First of all, kudos for coming on here. I know it took a lot of courage. There are some really wonderful people here who will help you a lot.
I agree with Prayingforhope.
I asked WH to leave on Dday & we were separated for several months because he would not stop contact with coworker OW. We sat down with our 4 kids together, early on, & WH told them that we are separating because "Mom & Dad are working out some problems." Our kids were 20,18, 14 & 12 at that time. Guess what? I lost 40 lbs in 2 months because I was sick to my stomach,cried all the time, & sobbed myself to sleep every night. When WH came over to visit, we would go out & sit in the car, & I would scream at him "You say you want to come back home, why wont you stop calling/texting/seeing her?". When WH came over, he acted arrogant. The kids saw it all, & quickly guessed ON THEIR OWN exactly what had happened (in part because our 12 year old daughter had gone to work with WH & saw OW throwing herself all over him inappropriately.)
As far as
he thinks it's pointless to keep trying
Last year our stress and his staying at work for long hours and my not understanding what was happening in my brain and feeling neglected led to me having an A with another married man.
Have you figured out WHY you felt it was okay to become involved in an affair with another married man rather than going to your husband to discuss your stress and your feelings of neglect? Why was it okay to south yourself with another man vs. trying to fix this issues in your marriage?
Does the OM's wife know about the affair? I assume since you were on a double date, she was a friend? Is the OM out of your life? Are you NC?
Battling depression over losing his job when he couldn't handle finding out about the A, trying to not look at me with hate. He has days where he looks at me like he used to, and days where he can't look at me at all. Tonight he is really depressed, and told me he thinks it's pointless to keep trying.
This is hard and I can related. My husband was fired for sexual harassment after DDay2 and was unemployed for 4 months. It made our R so much more difficult. The stress of money, finding a job, the fact that he blew up my world, the anxiety, the fear of how are we going to survive with no income (I'm a SAHM), the depression, anger, rage, etc.
The job loss compounds SO much. Is your H still unemployed? This may be just too much for him to handle right now.
Also, someone stated up thread, year 2 is fucking hard. REALLY hard.
The worst part is that when he feels bad and down he says things to the girls. He told our 7 year old "the truth about why we were fighting last week", and I don't think it's right to talk about an affair to a child. I'm furious and I hate him for that.
This is ENTIRELY unfair to your husband.
You should be furious at YOURSELF. YOU had an affair, YOU blew up your marriage. If you didn't want your children to know, you shouldn't have had an affair. This is a consequence of YOUR actions. They would never had to know had you not made the choice to self-sooth with another man.
Our two oldest kids know. In fact our oldest, who was 14 at DDay1, she guessed it. I could not lie to her. While I do think your kids are young, I still don't think you should lie to them, just be age appropriate.
You betrayed your children just as much as your husband. You have to repair the damage you inflicted on them too. Right now? They are SCARED. They are worried about losing their family! You have to apologize and then prove your actions to your children too!
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I felt like your BH does for quite a while. My thoughts would change from day to day, sometimes from moment to moment. One minute I loved her more than life itself and couldn't stand the thought of losing her, the next minute I hated her and wanted her out of my life. Sometimes I was overcome with deep sadness and despair and within minutes…deep anger and rage. It was the emotional roller-coaster from hell. For him, this could take years to recover from. All you can do is be patient with him.
My situation was different than yours. My XWW had a full blown EA/PA for almost two years. If that wasn't tough enough to deal with, she also stonewalled, TT’d, and just plain lied for years afterward. I experienced many D days. She still claimed that she didn't want a divorce so I decided to focus on R. The R I thought we were in was very one sided…false. She did the bare minimum…just enough to keep me from calling it quits. This was emotional abuse although I didn't see it at the time.
Finally one day she admitted that she still didn't know what she wanted. That was it for me…I filed for divorce. I just couldn't live like that anymore. Even one year after the divorce was final, I am still on the roller coaster but the highs and lows are not nearly as extreme.
For me to have stayed, I needed her to fight for me and our marriage…real effort. I needed her to earn the trust back that she destroyed with her choices and actions. I needed her to make me feel a lot more special than she made OM feel. I needed to know I wasn't wasting my time and that was #1. I also needed her to accept that I was now broken and she was responsible and that she needed to help fix me and understand my mood swings. If she was doing these things I could have stayed. I would still be on a roller coaster, with my thinking changing all the time, but I wouldn't have jumped off.
Are you doing all these things?
When it came time to tell the kids 19, 14, and 11, at the time, my first reaction was to tell them the truth. I was angry and wanted them to know who XWW had become. I wanted to hurt her as bad as she hurt me. After some careful thought, I decided not to tell them about the cheating...but I wasn't going to take the blame either. The oldest had already figured it out so I asked that he keep what he knew to himself. I told the younger children that mommy wasn't happy and didn't love daddy anymore. I have to divorce her so she could be happy. This way, she got the blame without the negative infidelity side effects to the kids. I made sure they knew that we both loved them and it was in no way, their fault. Honestly though, the kids will find out sooner or later anyway. Both of our families and all of our friends know…it’s just a matter of time. After they turn 18, if they ask me for the truth…I will tell them. I do not agree with your husbands choice to be brutally honest with your child with details. I do believe in honesty but in this case the negatives out way the positives.
[This message edited by Decimated at 1:07 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]