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Newest Member: LiarsandFools (44201)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feel like I've taken steps backwards emotionally
regret12
♀ New Member
Member # 41902
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last weekend I had several really deep realizations about my A and my true role in it, my active choice to react to problems in my marriage by having an A and the ramifications of that decision. I spoke to my H and he really appreciated my honest evaluation and I admitted that I had placed the primary blame on him and apologized sincerely. Again, he was really appreciative.

However, since then I feel as though he has pulled away even more and now we are barely speaking. I am out of town for a conference this week. I couldn't get out of going, it was prepaid and I work in nonprofit. My H felt that I would actually be a really good thing for us to be apart and have time to "get used to being alone" if that's the way this goes. He had not agreed to consider R or MC and says he may not get there.

Since I've been out of town (I left on Monday), we haven't spoken on the phone. I've texted him a few times, but I get a response several hours later, often after midnight. I continue to try to text him, just to let him know I'm safe, back in my room, good morning/night, even if he doesn't respond. I told him he could call me last night if he wanted but I didn't want to bother him if he still wanted distance. He never called and only texted me a pic of our pet late last night (I always tell him to give him a kiss for me).

The thing is, I felt better when I was blaming him for part of the marital problems that helped lead to my A. Now I'm facing the thought of losing my H, my life, my home and extended family all because of my actions and choices. I know, I know...that's part of it. Actions have consequences, you reap what you sow, I made my bed and now....etc. But now I feel like I can't breath! I'm having extremely dark thoughts and feel like I would rather just die today than have to live like this or worse, without the love of my life. How can I go on knowing that ruined it all!? I know I need to see an IC, but I even have a problem with that bc my H brought up the fact that 1) he doesn't really believe in IC/MC and 2) we're going to spend money to fix something that should have never been broken to begin with.

I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. And I have no Idea where to turn. I'm out of town and alone, trying to fake my way through a conference. And back home my life is ripped to shreds. And with every word I type or speak about this, all I can hear is myself saying "and you did this" or "and it's your fault" after every sentence.


Me: WW (PA for 2 1/2 mos. 2001) - DDay 12/8/13
Him: WH (multiple EAs throughout dating and marriage) and two revenge PAs - DDay 1: 1/27/14 DDay 2: 2/20/14
Together 22, married 14
No children

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest US
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just take a deep breath. You were open and honest. It's tough letting down the wall. Blaming your
BH kept you safe from feeling the full affect of your choices. Its a good step forward. The upside of being open is being able to be present in the now, to react authenticly to lifes moments. Downside is you are more prone to get hurt. Take it one step at a time.

Let your BS process what you shared. He may be taking a step back, taking a moment to breathe without having to face his biggest trigger (you). Even if he doesn't want to talk now, he did take a moment to text you something that was important to you. That in its self is a gesture of kindness.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4499 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is, I felt better when I was blaming him for part of the marital problems that helped lead to my A.
That is (imho) an impressive realization. It is not easy to face something like that within ourselves.

I know I need to see an IC, but I even have a problem with that bc my H brought up the fact that 1) he doesn't really believe in IC/MC and 2) we're going to spend money to fix something that should have never been broken to begin with.
You need IC. I believe he does too but that is his choice. You know what you need and you should pursue that for the sake of your own health. Quite honestly it does not matter whether he believes in it or not. As far as fixing something that should never have broken...well that is just a ludicrous statement. Sure it never should have been broken, but that's beside the point. There is a saying...If it ain't broken then don't fix it. Well it is broke...so you better get started fixin' it!


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3644 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
DanteJace
♂ New Member
Member # 42017
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugg. You are in so much pain, and my heart really goes out to you. There is so much to comment on from the above; I'm going to just pick out one thing. It may not help your mood tonight, but it is something to think about and discuss with your husband eventually.

You mentioned:

He doesn't really believe in IC/MC
If I get where he is coming from (which is just a hunch), it is VERY important to separate IC from MC.

Marriage counseling is so tricky because couples usually wait until they have serious problems... and it is sometimes just not possible to reconcile enough of them to call it a success. If marriage counseling doesn't always result in the couple becoming harmonious, it might be hard to "believe in" marriage counseling.

But in individual counseling is fundamentally different, because it aims to help one person figure out what he or she wants, and how to change his/her life to head in that direction. I'm a big "believer", because it really was essential for me. (I'm the wandering spouse, by the way.)

I don't mean to disparage or discourage marriage counseling. I am suggesting that maybe you can make some headway with your husband for him to consider individual counseling if you "concede" that this is not the right time to consider marriage counseling for you as a couple.

Here's wishing you calm so you can get some rest. You won't be able to make any headway at all if you are exhausted and beating yourself up indefinitely.



.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: northeast US
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign- so here I go. I have never posted in Wayward before. I am a BH. I do like to read here though to see the other side. I just want to say I have followed your story and you have come a long way in a short period of time. I am quite impressed. Tat doesn't help your husband, right now it seems, but it might in the future. Be patient and keep up all the good work you have done on yourself. No matter the outcome with your husband, it will be beneficial.

So nothing you didn't know, but I just wanted say keep it up, you are growing.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2013
regret12
♀ New Member
Member # 41902
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your insightful responses and taking the time. That is always so appreciated. I like to remove the stop sign because I think it's as important for me to hear from the BS bc you guys have the perspective I lack to a degree. Plus, I really appreciate the view from men, who I find to a certain degree feel and approach this subject differently at times. Particularly in the "fresh" stages after DDay.

I had a very good conversation this evening with a dear friend I used to work with who lives close to where I'm visiting right now. I needed that higher level of thinking and self awareness perspective to help me breath some right now. I don't want to sound selfish here. I know that my H is not off having the time of his life, loving the fact that his W cheated on him and now he gets some hall pass. He's hurting and trying to heal. For me, when I'm alone with my thoughts, that's what hurts me the most in terms of feeling lost and hopeless. I've scarred this person I love most in the world...deeply...forever. Hard pill. If I lose him...it'll be due to my actions. Again, gulp.

Isadora, thank you. I'm hoping that that is what he's doing. Taking a breather. I just hope that whenever that is over, he still wants to be with me and work on us.

Brandon808, I did go through IC about 8 years ago, for nearly 3 yrs. It was very helpful and all I can say is that I wish I had done that kind of independent work on myself years ago. And probably wouldn't be on here if I had. I'm trying to see how things go when I get home.

And then DanteJace, maybe he'll want to do MC or just be ok with me doing IC. I really do believe that we have a lot of issues that we need to discuss in the presence of a neutral third party. Slater13 thank you for taking the time to read my story. So as you know, my H has been unfaithful at times, no actual sex, but sexual and emotional. So if our discussion escalates, we can both get mad and defensive and start pointing fingers.

Thank you all, again. I'm feeling a little better. Just trying to find patience and compassion and breath. :)


Me: WW (PA for 2 1/2 mos. 2001) - DDay 12/8/13
Him: WH (multiple EAs throughout dating and marriage) and two revenge PAs - DDay 1: 1/27/14 DDay 2: 2/20/14
Together 22, married 14
No children

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest US
Topic Posts: 6

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