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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Lost, ashamed, scared. Help.
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, everyone,

I have been reading the forum over the past few weeks and it has been painful, but helpful, for me to read the stories from BS and WS. I know what needs to be done and I am hoping for the courage to tell the truth.

I am married, but it has not felt like a marriage in a number of years, due to my actions and deceit. It feels like a bad dream and I wish I would wake up and everything is okay. My wonderful and amazing BW is also on SI, but she has her own handle/account and I have mine and we do not know what each other's is. I am hoping this allows me to write openly and truthfully instead of being a gas-lighter.

My story in a nutshell:

I had an unhappy childhood marked by physical and mental abuse. Maybe sexual abuse occurred, but I cannot be sure. I've engaged in risk taking, criminal, and dangerous behaviors which escalated over the years. I am a serial liar, cheater, and opportunist. I've had numerous relationships and affairs while dating and married. I've used pornography, prostitutes, and in my mind, exploited any relationship with a member of the opposite sex in an attempt to procure a steady "supply" and "reserve." Tremendous sense of entitlement, total lack of empathy, sympathy, or common decency. I am sexually inappropriate and feel out of control. I was in one of the "S" programs, but was going for the sake of appearance and progress. Seen numerous psychotherapists, but would not disclose truth or deal with the core issues. Wife found out about my acting out, tried to R, but numerous TT's by me, and constant gas-lighting and I feel it is all falling apart.

I want to tell her everything. Every little kernel of deviancy and misconduct, I want to spill the beans.

But I am a coward.

My sense of entitlement, self protection, and fear have frozen me in my tracks. I am committed to no more TT, but can't seem to pull the trigger and do it. I've read Joseph's letter over and over, tried to put myself in my BW's shoes, but all to no avail. She deserves the truth and I am standing in the way. Can any WSs weigh in and share their experiences? I feel like I am being torn apart inside. I love my wife and our child, but am so selfish and default back to, "Can't you see I love you and that these actions mean nothing?" This is killing me, but I know it has killed her over and over with no clear end in sight. How do I overcome these feelings and do what's right and admit my deceptions? Why is this so easy, but so hard?


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict.



Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its easy to recall the actions because we committed them and by easy I mean solely to remember the memory. Everything else is soul crushingly hard. Facing what you've done, recalling those memories with the acknowledgement of wrong doing and confessing all of that to the person we betrayed can be horrifying. It is also freeing to know we're finally being honest. My suggestion, write it down. As much as you can and when the shame becomes overwhelming stop for a few hours or a day. When you're ready to write again repeat the process until you have it all down. Then put it in your BW's hands and tell her what it is. Then get ready because you will need to be there for her as she assimilates. That is the best advice I can give you, I've been there, and I know how hard it is.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Unagie.

I have been writing, re-writing, and revising my timeline for the last few days and each time more truth comes out. My BW appears to be patient, at least on the outside, and I do not want to lie to her for another moment.

We've had MANY DDs and I have lied and withheld at everyone. I am trying to ensure that there are no more lies or omissions this go around. My biggest fear is that when I finish the timeline and it is finally true and complete, that I will not be man enough to give it to her and face the fallout.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict.



Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My biggest fear is that when I finish the timeline and it is finally true and complete, that I will not be man enough to give it to her and face the fallout.

Then you will have made the choice, by your inaction and fear, to let your BW go. To let your marriage go. To become a weekend father. All by your decision to let your fear be more important to you, than being truthful to your BW.

If you give into your fear, then you will DRIVE the outcome that you say that you don't want. You'll lose your BW. Choosing the fear over her, is a decision to let her go, to drive her away.

Please be sure that you keep that fact very present in your mind whenever you start thinking about not giving her the timeline or not being utterly truthful on your timeline. I hope you can make that step forward.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4568 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
remorsefulww
♀ New Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Then you sit down and start at the beginning and if you have to backtrack(because of her questions) let her know. There are a lot of small details that may seem so small to us so we don't even think they matter, but they do. So I don't see that as TT because in reality we can't remember every detail.
This is going to be a c&p of my comment in another post and it might help.

I have been lying my entire life, to me it was easier to lie than deal with truth, there are lies I've told so many times that they became truths to me and I could no longer tell the difference. I think that it is part of me that is the manipulator, which was also very easy for me to do. I found from a early age that I was able to lie and manipulate many people into doing what I wanted them to do. I manipulated my parents, my sisters, my friends, and teachers. I have fooled many, many people into believing I was an amazing honest and kind person, truth is, the only part of that last sentence that is true is I am a person. It had everything to do with personal gain and my extreme self centred personality, and a total and complete lack of consequences, or attention and care of consequences.I often ask myself why it was so easy to lie to my BS, to the person I love, to the person who loved me for me. For me it was like second nature from early childhood to get what exactly I wanted and what would benefit me the most, and if others got hurt in the process then oh well. 
Through IC I have done a lot of searching to try and find myself and the "whys" I do this. I have grown so much to becoming a better me, spouse, and mother. 
The best things that I did was coming here reading posts from both sides, not trickle truth anything, complete transparency, complete honesty(yes, that was hard),putting the whole timeline out on the table. After reading posts here I realized it wasn't about me and what I can suppress or hide to get away with something and not have my BS hurting. 
He wanted it ALL and thats what I gave him with no lies. He said "if it doesn't hurt then it's a lie." After it was all out I felt better, he felt better, and it was finally a step towards closing that door and start trying to reconcile. 
I buried myself sooo deep with my lies. I lied to cover up what I did, I lied to cover up lies to cover up even more lies and all that did was hurt our relationship even more on top of what I already did. 

[This message edited by remorsefulww at 8:21 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Can any WSs weigh in and share their experiences?
no stop sign so I hope you don't mind input from a BW

My wonderful and amazing BW is also on SI, but she has her own handle/account and I have mine and we do not know what each other's is. I am hoping this allows me to write openly and truthfully instead of being a gas-lighter.
I'm jealous of your wife, wish my WH would come here.(but then again some recent actions by WS leave me hopeful) Anonymity gives you freedom now, which could be good for both of you. Hopefully one day, you'll be in a place where sharing that with each other is more important than needing the "safe space" you both have now.


Seen numerous psychotherapists, but would not disclose truth or deal with the core issues.
Try again disclose all, deal...the winner will be you and by default your wife.


I want to tell her everything. Every little kernel of deviancy and misconduct, I want to spill the beans.
Tell her your working on a timeline and give her an estimated time you'll have it done (ie next week, end of the month, begin of feb) then do it.


I love my wife and our child, but am so selfish and default back to, "Can't you see I love you and that these actions mean nothing?" This is killing me, but I know it has killed her over and over with no clear end in sight.
What is your definition of love? Who do you love more yourself or your wife? Put an end to it before she is completely empty inside and has nothing left to give you.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman could give you insight on what makes her feel loved. Reread the part on her love language after you know what it is to give you even more insight.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the words of wisdom and for providing me with the strength and courage to make the next step.

Disclosed the last of my secrets tonight. BW doesn't believe me and understandably so. I feel free from my secrets, but I am terrified of creating new ones and I fear that my marriage is nearing the end.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict.



Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 7

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