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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Where is my choice?!
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither D or R are good choices. Unfortunately, I don't see any other choices in my future either.

Ivyivy (and anyone else feeling the same)

In addition to R and D there is a third choice which is to "not divorce". I get that for some people the A can be a deal breaker, or the WS does not maintain NC or otherwise leaves the BS feeling unsafe in the M, so immediately moving to D is a reasonable and proper choice.

As for R, I believe the first few months (year or two) after dday is too early for many BS to commit to R. After dday the BS and the WS have work to do before they are ready to work together as co-equals to repair and build the M relationship. The WS needs to understand why he or she turned to an OP and A. What the A was intended to address, and then to learn and practice new perceptions, behaviors, and coping mechanisms to replace the dysfunctional ones that facilitated their A. Any re-writing of the M history, demonizing of the BS, or other rationalizations of the A period must be re-evaluated by the WS and aligned more with reality.

While the WS is working on those things, the BS is working on getting to acceptance of the A in their life, and to healing. This is a time when the BS can benefit from some IC to explore why they may have tolerated poor behavior from the WS, help processing their emotions, and values clarification for what the BS wants going forward. This is also a good time to watch the WS and see if he or she is owning his or her issues, learning new behaviors and coping mechanisms, and practicing these new habits for a sustained period.

Then, when the BS is willing and able to engage the WS as a co-equal again in the M to work together on repairing and building the M is the time to commit to R.

dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
♂ New Member
Member # 42214
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice, just that I know exactly how you feel. Life just isn't fair. I've always tried to make the best decisions. I'm no saint, but I always knew the best decision. Right now I also think there aren't any good ones. So for right now I'm making no changes and focusing more on me and my kids.... the real innocent ones in all this.

Me - BS 33
Her - WW 34
Kids - 14b, 9b, 8g, 6b
Married - 2003
Together - 1996
D-Day: 1/10/2014 (Admitted EA/PA 10/2012 - 3/2013)

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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