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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Where is my choice?!
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a rough day today. I'm torn between kicking his @ss out and reconciling. Honestly, where is my choice? I have heartache or torment. Those are my choices. I can stay in this marriage and believe a man that lied to me for 20 years about being faithful, risk my health due to STDs and future "slip ups", look like a FOOL to my family and friends and children, wake up in 20 years from now only to have another D-day, spend every day worrying/wondering about when the next shoe is going to drop, when the next whore is going to be revealed. Or, I can divorce, be forced to get a full-time job just to be able to pay utilities and eat, raise the 2 teens left here at home totally by myself while he is out living the single life & having fun, date and expose myself to the complete idiots that are out there, more chances of getting STDs, or be alone and die alone. Awesome. Heartache or torment. Today, I hate him. I hate the CHOICE he made. He has taken everything from me.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AG)))

I understand how scary this is for you. I remember being paralyzed by fear and anxiety for my future.

I honestly believe divorce was the best road for me. I cannot envision living the life you fear- a life of worrying and checking and spying and not being able to trust my spouse. My marriage was also very oppressive. I could really see this once we had separated.

I'm not going to tell you it's a piece of cake to divorce. But let's look at some errors in your thinking. Anxiety causes you to think these things. Let's logically look at what happens if you separate and divorce....

be forced to get a full-time job just to be able to pay utilities and eat,

OK. You will need to get a job. However, you will likely be entitled to spousal support and child support to help you manage expenses. Things will change, and you will have a tight budget, but it's not likely anyone will starve.

raise the 2 teens left here at home totally by myself

It's not likely you will have to shoulder this burden entirely. Split custody is generally the rule. He will also pay child support.

while he is out living the single life & having fun

Try not to think about what his life may or may not be like. Focus on you. In your singleness you will also be free to pursue your own interests and rediscover who you are.

date and expose myself to the complete idiots that are out there, more chances of getting STDs, or be alone and die alone.

I know there are some good men out there, and I surely hope to find one someday, but for now I am content in my singleness. Also consider that you will always have the love and respect of your children and family. You aren't alone now, and you won't be alone if you divorce. Also, I will say that being alone is much better than being with the douche I was married to.

I wish you luck no matter the road you choose. None of this easy, and we certainly never asked for any of it. You are stronger than you know, and you are going to be ok.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7778 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was considering child support/spousal support that would pay for the mortgage. I've figured it all up. I will have to get a full-time job.

As for raising the 2 teens alone, that is also true. I know this man. I will be the one caring for them.

Believe me, I know it sounds like I am totally overreacting here. I've had almost 2 weeks to think about this, even longer if you count the EA D-day in 2010.

As for good men, I believe that to be like finding a unicorn. Yes, I'm jaded. I see my single friends struggle, I see my sister, my mother, etc. dating. Cheating is the norm. I read a recent study that said 75% of married men said they'd cheat if they thought they'd get away with it. The number for women was almost as high. Its crazy.

I believe I could be content for a while being single. Most of my marriage, I've been single. He was always gone, always had something to do. I just don't want to always be single. That I do know. I want to share my life with someone.

I just keep praying. Its all I know to do.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 3:13 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say I agree with AppalachianGirl. I think my choices suck too. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. At a fork in the road where one side says 'DIVORCE' and the other side says 'SCARY TERROR'.
If I choose divorce, I am choosing to break up my family.
If I choose reconciliation, I feel I don't honor my own sense of self enough to walk away.
It is not easy to come to terms with either of these choices.
I wish I knew how some felt reconciliation from day 1. I just feel hurt and worthless.
I wish I had the strength to say 'yes, i can make this work'.
how do you get that?


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It truly sucks. In my case, breaking up my family isn't a big deal. My H is an alcoholic since returning from Iraq. Our kids do not like him. They voice their opinions that I should leave him. Of course, we have separated before and they are distraught, so ya can't really put a lot of faith into what they say concerning their dad. So, keeping my family together isn't even a consideration. We'd be better off emotionally w/o him. Its just everything else. There is no choice for me. Both versions of life suck. One isn't better than the other. I am stuck. This is purgatory.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed do not get to choose.

We get to go through Hell, clean up messes and try to pull innocents from the wreckage.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I for one wish that we all had a choice but sadly life is not fair and can be quite cruel. We are all here because we weren't given a choice. I understand right were you are coming from.

Everything has been taken from me also. The good news is that every one that this has happened to is still alive and kicking. I have to keep reminding myself of this when I feel like I'm not going to make it. Just breathe.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 535 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am there too. It appears to be a matter of picking the lesser of two evils. It is less of a choice for me from a what do I want to do perspective than from a what don't I want to do perspective. Neither D or R are good choices. Unfortunately, I don't see any other choices in my future either.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier if after I found out, he chose the AP and a D, just so that the choice would not be left up to me....


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
griefandrelief
♀ Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ivyivy, I wasn't given a "choice" by WH - he chose AP and moved out. But I WAS given a choice earlier than I found out about A because he was not good to me. I should have done something, been different, or pushed him to fix it or leave. But I didn't - that choice is what is paralyzing me at the moment. It is what I am trying to get over - I allowed myself to be treated poorly and with disrespect and to be unloved by my stbxh for years - I even begged him to do it after the first time he talked about D with me. I didn't want the stigma of "being alone" or "being a divorced person". I am slowly growing to realize that my self worth and purpose in life are important - that showing my teenage daughters that a woman should be respected and loved so they don't follow the same path I did into this type of marriage - these are MORE important than "being married" and fitting into that ideal that never quite turns out to be reality.

Find the myths and truths entry in the General forum. It helps a lot with some of the misconceptions about being alone, finding another person, etc. And remember, being happy with yourself, respecting yourself and showing your teens that you are a strong and IMPORTANT person is better than being in a relationship where you are pushed down, disrespected and not cared for as you deserve to be.

((AppGal)) - you are going to be ok. I also suggest IC. It has helped me a lot.


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. My choice was taking away, life as I knew it, was over. My WS showed no remorse, no regret and chose to be with his mistress. I watched his actions, did not listen to his words. His actions did not show me he wanted reconciliation, so I filed for divorce. It was the hardest decision I ever made. I did not want to divorce him, but, like you, felt I had no choice.

I chose to file first because the thought of being served divorce papers would have only added insult to injury. I was blindsided when I found out about the affair. I needed to feel I had some power in my own life.

I face the same fears you do. Financial insecurity, being alone, not raising any kids now, my son is 24 and just graduated college.

I won't say the last 14 months have been easy. But, I have discovered an inner strength. I have had the support of my friends and family. I have made some wonderful friends during that time.

Now, I see my life as full of choices! Lots of opportunities. I have a sense of freedom that I've never had before. I am getting to know myself again, discovering what makes ME happy. I don't have to please anyone else but myself.

You are in the midst of the storm. Just breath. Take care of yourself. Post here often and get support.

Hugs!!


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5818 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is an alcoholic since returning from Iraq. Our kids do not like him. They voice their opinions that I should leave him.

I understand it is scary and sounds like you do not want a full time job and I feel for you but to protect your kids and show them women should not be treated like this and to give them some hope for a happy future I think you have to consider moving on.

Will it be hard? Sure, but isn't the hell you live in already hard?

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

Try to imaging your life 5 years from now in both scenarios. Make a list of pros/cons.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a beyond difficult choice.Not my case exactly, no kids. I will only say, it all comes down to trust, in my view. Can you trust your partner and if not, can you daily tolerate a life with someone you don't. And even if you can-thousands do- as you imagine end of your life, is that the kind of life you will be satisfied with that you were reconciled to living.? It is a ghastly position to be in-thanks again to the betrayers (I've been in my own bad spots)- and I wish you ever success if managing it

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jan 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the feeling of being in between a rock and a hard place too..

I wish I had D'd WH sometime after the first D day instead of staying in the marriage (27 more years) to have the second most recent D day..

Financially, if I D'd my WH, I could be okay if he wouldn't go after 1/2 of my pension..Or ask for alimony..But I know my WH, he will go after what he knows he is entitled to..

He is still considered financially dependent on me at this point..

I am retired and drawing full pension from my company because of my length of service there..

I can't afford to give WH what he would be entitled to in divorce..

My WH was unemployed many times throughout our marriage and has no pension or savings accumulated..


I am living on a bare bones budget (utilities take up most of my monthly income) and this is in a house that is fully paid off..

I am not afraid of living alone in my own place, in fact I would welcome this! So I am getting my ducks in a row as best as I can..

I know and agree that material things aren't what life is about.. But the older one gets,the more one's ability to recover financially from divorce becomes a prominent factor in the decisions made about D..It is better to start on the D path with some resources of physical energy / strength, and social support..Not a bad idea for both spouses have a source of income before a D is set in motion..

You say your M was difficult to begin with and now your WH's cheats on top of that...You are still young, meaning you have 19 or 20 years ( until you are my age) to rebuild your life before you have to face age discrimination while looking for jobs.. I am assuming you have the health/energy to work full time..

D may be struggle at first, but by the time you hit my age you will be glad that you don't have some douche bag living with you who drags you down emotionally and has the ability to drag you down financially should the relationship not work...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:19 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like imsoblind's idea and I am going to do this again..
The list of pros and cons :-)


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly the same way, most days I feel like I owe it to myself to Try to R, and he is being beyond supportive. Then other days him being beyond supportive seems too good to be true, because he has never been very supportive in 24 years of marriage.

I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and would be better off with a D, I don't know how to trust anything in my life anymore. I hope he is for real, but find myself questioning it everyday.

It just plain sucks that this pain is because of his choice.

[This message edited by Breezy150 at 10:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The choice sucks, but sometimes it helps to look at the odds. The chance of your WH changing behavior and never again violating trust (assuming the R goes well and trust can be re-established) vs the chance of finding a good man.

I'm in the midst of the same choice myself. Working hard at R, but doubt that trust can be re-established. I know I don't want to have a marriage with no trust. Jumping back into the dating pool is daunting (especially since I've been betrayed twice now), but I know there are decent people still out there. There are no guarantees (my WW was a born again christian who had an EA/PA with another born again!), but I do think one can stack the odds in their favor. Maybe another betrayed soul who knows better than to inflict that kind of pain? That's rapidly becoming my top criteria!

Final thought: Many here don't get a chance to make the choice. You and I are lucky in that WE get to be the captains of our destiny. That gives us power to draw upon in the upcoming bumpy road. Good luck!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It truly sucks when decisions other people make affect your life and lifestyle. I was totally pissed that my life was turned upside down, but I made the decision to kick him out and have not regretted it.

A month after I kicked him out I was diagnosed with cancer. Talk about a wake up call and being forced into decisions.

A year later I had a heart attack, luckily, after a short stay in the cardiac ICU, I was back home.

Since then, I have re-evaluated what is important in life. Since then, I have re-evaluated what is devastating and what is just an "inconvenience".

Many things that I thought were devastating before, are now only bumps in the road.

It's all a matter of perspective. Hang in there - you will come out the other side a stronger woman.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8090 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
victory
♂ Member
Member # 31088
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things look bleak from your perspective as you sit there today. But things are not as bad as you might think.

You can find happiness in either choice. R requires that he cooperate and also earnestly choose to make the marriage work every single day. Without that commitment, from you and him, it'll be a tough road.

D is a path you travel alone, but then your happiness is totally dependent on you. You control your life and you decide whether you will be happy or not. Happiness is not found in material things, but in inner peace and love of yourself.

I divorced and have found happiness in the times I've been alone and in the new relationships I've been involved in.

Whatever choice you make, make sure that you make decisions that are focused on YOUR happiness. If you don't know what that is, then I think IC would be a great place to find help to figure that out. It helped me out immensely.


Dday- 1-26-11 (7 month PA)
BH (me)-41
WW- 37
3 little kids (6-8-10)
married 11 yrs, together 17
Divorced summer 2012 (I think)
I HAVE CUSTODY OF MY GIRLS!!!

Posts: 204 | Registered: Feb 2011
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have your choices and they are NOT always bleak. At first, you grieve, yes, but after the grief there is a whole lot of living left to do.
I bike ride, I have a garden, I cook, I love my cats. Well, actually, right now I'm in school full time and working full time (my choice) until March when my contract is up. But then I will have a life again.
He choose to blow up our M and destroy the trust and love I had for him. I cannot change that.
Now, I'm finally working on all of MY issues. I don't want to have a broken picker the next time around. I love myself, but I really love the better person I am becoming.
I am enjoying school, when I'm not absolutely exhausted that is.
I want to take trips by myself and go see friends and family I have neglected while taking care of a full time SOB cheatinass POS H.
There is SO much out there. I've made new friends. I'm getting the life I was supposed to have back.
I will be taking dance lessons (ok, I already know how to dance, but I want to have fun dancing without getting hit on) after my contract is up. I am also going to get back into martial arts and shooting. Heck I may even get good enough to start competing!
He did not take this away from me.
The grief and shock are the worst phases, and there are no shortcuts. However, once you have healed and worked on yourself, there are too many wonderful things and opportunities waiting for you. Best of all, most don't involve a man!!!!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 2129 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
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