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Newest Member: DisappointedDude (43160)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife had an affair with a co-worker
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you really want to see her face her demons start by making her face the consequences of her actions. Follow the advice of the guys who are telling you to stop. Stop begging, calling, texting......communicating. Just stop. Go dark. Let her sit in the silence and wonder what your next move will be.

I know it is an unbearable pain right now, I laid in my bed for 4 straight days just looking at the walls and the ceiling of my bedroom so, I get how you feel right now. You have to understand that if she agrees to come back she would have to agree to be monogamous. She doesn't want to.

I'm in the camp with those that say this is not something that started over the last four months. This is a place people end up when their lives are spiraling out of control. You cant help her right now. she doesnt even want to help herself. The best thing you can do is step back and take care of yourself.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been given some tremendous advice. I am just catching up with your story. I am so sorry you are going through this. Some of the advice you have been given is to draw the line in the sand. I promise, that is the only way in which to have any possibility of restoring your marriage. My FWH didn't get it until I was ready for a D. That pulled his head out of his tush.

Right now, you have to play hardball. Disengage with her in text's, emails, phone calls etc. You are only causing more pain to yourself. It is SO hard, but you can do it. Put your phone away if you need to. You were also given advice to put your dvd in a safety deposit box. I echo that. DO NOT EVER get rid of it. Keep it until the day you die. You may never know when you need it.

You will struggle going to work this week. Trying to keep your mind on work while your heart is breaking. Try to focus just one hour or one task at a time. Ultimately, I believe my job was "eliminated" because I was unable to focus. Your employer will be sympathetic for a while, but not a long while. Stay focused...one task at a time. You will need to confide in someone in real life (IRL) at work or a friend to help you through this.

Remember, this is about her brokenness. I have to agree from what you have written with her responses and her actions pre-discovery and post-discovery that she will maintain a level of brokenness for a very long time. I applaud you at wanting to make your marriage work, unfortunately, she doesn't seem to have the same opinion. Protect your self for now.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1439 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all of you guys, and I know what I had been doing was all wrong. I was just being open and honest about how terribly it's been going for me lately, it helps a lot to get it out.

I am not contacting her at all. If she contacts me, it will be short, curt answers. I had created a webpage yesterday that had all the evidence on it, and I sent it to her to freak her out. And it did. I pulled it down this morning though. I'm not doing anything with it, I just wanted a reaction; which is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. Contacting her is making it way too easy for her. As you say, she needs to sit in silence and wonder what is going to happen next.

I did see on the web logs she came back and checked the post again today, but saw that it was taken down. I am sure she's pretty panicked about that. I had threatened to out her at her current job, and the new place she is interviewing at. So she's real worried about that.

I don't know if I am ready to file for divorce yet, but am seriously considering putting the house on the market to start fresh. I bought it myself before we got married, and everything is only in my name. The only thing in the house that's really hers are her clothes and everything in the spare bedroom (was her bedroom furniture before she moved in). She got rid of all her other stuff.

Thank you for all the support everyone. I can tell how remorseful she is, and wishes it had never happened, and is extremely tortured on how she made me feel. So there's that small morsel to help me cope. I don't know how I would handle it if she just didn't care about how much this hurt me at all. It's just too big for her. She can't deal. I am starting too though. Hoping tomorrow gets a little better too.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 8:16 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
PhoenixReborn
♂ Member
Member # 22135
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is a backup copy of that data in a safe place that your WW has no physical access to?
I specifically ask because it really is important, that info may be the proof that gets an annulment approved quickly (if needed )

Keep strong.


Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

Posts: 1110 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have it saved in multiple places. She doesn't have a garage door opener or a key to the house anymore. Her mom has a key, but lives out of state. I think she's going to see her mom sometime soon. I have been putting things in front of all the entry doors so I will know if they've been opened when I am at work.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Dyokemm
♂ New Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I want to just get life back to normal."

THIS is the fatal mistake made by BS's who want to try and save their relationships.

It causes begging, pleading and whining.

It causes them to lash out hatefully and drive their WS even further away when they do not see the response they want after they are trying so hard to show their love.

And in the end, if the WS does come back (for whatever reason) it leads to rugsweeping the A instead of getting to the bottom of how and why this happened so that it will never occur again.

OP,

You need to push this thought and feeling completely out of your head.

It is poison to everything you want to do, even if it seems to you like a destination you want to reach ASAP.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2013
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can speak from experience.

Before I found SI I was begging and pleading with my XWW. I blamed myself. She told me it was my fault. I believed her. Why wouldn't I? I messaged, phoned, turned up and was on my knees at one point. She lapped it all up. She told me that she needed 'time to think'. This is WW speak for 'I want some time to see if it works out with OM'.

I then found SI. I implemented the 180 as best I could although I failed miserably several times. Each time I failed I was the one that got hurt. I tried to convince myself that this email/ message/ call will be the one to convince her not to give up on me. It didn't work. She left after I found OM at my house playing with my kids and having dinner with them. She had already replaced me with a new husband and father. I was no longer required.

I filed immediately. This is where all her fake sweetness about being reasonable over access to the children and the split of assets went to shit. She turned nasty. She hated that I told her to pack her shit and go. I was public enemy No1. I'm glad I kept every single piece of evidence. She's now pregnant with OM's fucklet.

She procrastinates at every turn about every legal decision. We are now 11 months on and I have not seen the woman I thought I was married to since February. We were together for nearly 20 years.

You are luckier than most. She has been exposed very early on in your relationship. You don't have kids. She has TOLD you that she will likely do it again. She wants out and she wants you to end it but she hasn't got the stones to do it herself, hence the affair.

Please get out now. I know it's tough. The heart is strong but your mind must take precedence


AAS


[This message edited by allatsea at 4:02 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 520 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tried to call the other man's home line thos morning to tell his wife, and he had the line disconnected. I have their home address. I could write her a certified letter I suppose. He's not allowed to sign for it is he? I feelblike that's the rule, but would guess the USPS would be lazy and let anyone sign.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you mail it certified, restricted delivery to her only, then only she can sign for it. Good luck, telling her is the right thing to do.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely broke off contact, not addressing her anymore. I don't think the 180 will have any affect as she doesn't live at home anymore. I'm going to keep it up though. I'm suspecting the next time she contacts me will be to get more stuff.

If that happens, what do you suggest? Just let her get her things and say nothing? Last time this happened, she just went on with random chit chat like everything was ok. Messaged me the next day to say good morning and that she was soooo late. That really pissed me off. Which I should have recognized to keep ignoring her.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 4:51 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If that happens, what do you suggest? Just let her get her things and say nothing?
Would it be possible to go ahead and go through the house and box up the rest of her personal crap and leave it outside for her? Personally I ran everything through attorney. Everything.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3363 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's an entire bedroom to move, so she'll have to get movers at some point. She still has a lot of clothes, I think she has most of them though. If she asks, maybe I can find out if she wants anything specifically, and leave it outside.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about putting that room full of stuff into its own storage unit? I don't know what your finances are like but the peace of mind might be worth it. Not to mention the not-so-subtle message "I don't ever wanna see you again"


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3363 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, although I should be. I am going to stick to my no contact for two solid weeks. I printed off divorce forms for our state complete with every step I need to follow. I am going to start filling out anything I can tomorrow night.

The plan is if there is no change in her attitude in two weeks, I'm going to have a friend load everything into one of those pods out on my curb, and have it delivered wherever she wants. That way I won't have to see her.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I think I finally found the right woman on FB. <edit> It was the right woman.

I paid the $1 fee on FB to make sure it shows up in her inbox, and not in the "other" folder. There is little activity publicly on her page, so maybe she doesn't log in much. But that doesn't mean it entirely. We'll see how long it takes.

Trying to wait patiently for the "read" notification in the messages.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 6:29 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I spent 30 minutes on the phone with the other woman. She was in complete shock, but level headed. It's not the first time it had happened. She knew exactly who my wife was too. Called her out by name, because she thought it was weird how much they were texting of Christmas.

I sent her all of the evidence (except the video). She is not doing counseling this time. She wants to find a lawyer first. She won't live like this anymore. And she was EXTREMELY grateful I called.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Katz13
♀ Member
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great that you told the wife. I wish someone would have told me sooner. I pray that you find peace.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that, is how its supposed to go.


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you had to go through this. And I thought reading emails and chat scripts was painful. Let alone a video. I am so sorry.

Please be warned that she will in most probability plan an exit strategy while you are still vulnerable and emotionally available. She might want to make the most profit out of a D.

There are good chances that she knows things are not going to be normal for her even if there is an attempted reconciliation.

Save yourself bud.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not really concerned with her exit strategy at this point. The wife had confronted him last night, and this is what he said to her (about me):

"They say you are crazy and that you have done this to others in the office."

I have no idea what he means by that, because it makes no sense. I am guessing he had no idea at that point I had handed over a ton of evidence. She knows my wife is in town on business this week. No idea what's happening; radio silence from all other parties. Yesterday, the other man's wife said she was going to talk to an attorney today, and didn't want to say anything else until she talked with him and found out the best way to protect herself and her kids. She is away from her family and out of state. She had quit working once they moved, and is very scared. I feel for her. She's in a tougher situation than I am.

My wife will probably be back in town this coming weekend. I don't know what to expect then. I am guessing she's just going to ask to get more things, or maybe the rest of it. Should lead to an interesting weekend. If that's what she is planning on, I am just going to make sure I am not available to let her in the house, and not accommodate her at all.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 8:00 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
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