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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

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User Topic: Wife had an affair with a co-worker
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife is so selfish and narcissistic I doubt if she is capable of loving anyone but herself. Thats all room she has in her heart. Its painful, even agonizing to end this marriage but if you won't do it she eventually will. Neither of you should have to endure a marriage where the BS has seen a video of the WS having sex with another person. She is really well and truly broken and she is going to stay that way.

I predict she will drown in her own selfishness one day. Don't be around to witness it.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that's a good way of putting it. I am sure she will drown in her own selfishness one day. It may be sooner rather than later. If someone actually DID find that DVD, I couldn't see them taking it home to see what's on it. I did write contact info & a website in marker on the front of it, but we'll see.

She said this morning she is going to prepare her family for it. Because if it does get sent to the contact info I wrote on it, it will be terribly tragic.

She loves her career so much, more so than me I am starting to realize. She is climbing higher and higher, and is interviewing for a job where she'll report directly to the CEO of a large global company. This DVD would destroy all of that I fear. People whispering and snickering behind her back. Guys will always try and take a swing at her, see if they can get some freaky strange sex. How much weight does someone's opinion carry in a company, when everyone knows what terrible life decisions you make?

Despite how terrible I feel, I wouldn't wish a lifetime of that on her. She may be a bad person, and not deserve me, but she should be able to make a good living.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey lovetolove her. I read through this thread this morning and have been thinking of you and a few others all day. I agree with OK now. And to add one more point, best to have this ended now before her narcissism caused more pain in the future. I've seen that future road and it's not pretty. Take care of yourself and wishing you luck in your future.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try and get an annulment.

If i were you i would also write a small email to parents and close family members.

"I have written this to inform you that i will not put up with a 3rd party in our marriage. As a result, we will be separating."

The other man also sounds like a major cumbucket.

There's a site called cheaterville..com where you can post his profile. The purpose of this is not out of revenge but to warn others: potential STD etc.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to tell my family, etc. But I am just not ready. I need a lot more clarity before I start letting everyone know what really went down. I want to shield everyone I can from the pain I am going through. The more I think, the more I realize it's important for me to keep my damn mouth shut, and stop focusing on other people until I am well.

I am still trying to fight through this, but I am not doing well. Still struggling with the "I matter" issue. I know everyone here has had that, at some point. But it's very apparent right now to me. I don't matter to her. I live for her, but I don't matter.

Anyways, my current struggle is I am guessing she went to this new town across state to have her job interview. And for some reason, that hurts. I sit here in pain, and she gets to explore the new and exciting future for herself. She gets to have a great blossoming career, and I don't matter. I want her to get this job so bad. I know she's going to kill the final interview, but damn. How did such a caring person turn into pond scum? What did I do to deserve this? I've been nothing but loving and supportive.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am shifting from anger to pity. Like, I am starting to feel really bad and hope nothing happens with that DVD. This is the part where I falsely start blaming myself, right? hah.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 10:21 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Dyokemm
♂ Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"all the ones that tried to plead (I'll try harder, I promise, don't leave me, pleeeeease), love, convince, their spouses, ultimately had their women leave them. The wives simply had no respect for them."

This is exactly true.

Trying to 'nice' them back NEVER works.

I am often stunned at the number of BS's who ignore tons of advice to stop doing it and start demanding respect and delivering real consequences to their WS.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know your in shock, an emotional pain. YOU will get through this. Like you my then wife had an affair with a co-worker, that had been on-going for some 6 years before I found out. Iam not going to mince words here, time to go on the offensive,NOW, whether you intend to try an reconcile or not. Contact THE OM wife an arrange a face to face meeting with her an show her all the information you have including the dvd s. Tell no one an I mean no one that you are going to meet with the BW, an tell her not to tell her POS husband, until after you meet with her. Believe me, things will start happening,after you out the OM to his wife an it will be to youre advantage. Youre do a little revenge. Forgive me if I give my opinion on this but you do need to divorce her!She made a dvd having sex with another man,forget the mind games, there it is. Aint no getting over that! Youre wife needs to see that there s consequences for her actions. Reconciliation is possible after divorce. God bless you. Strength.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 94 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man,

All I can say is that I'm sending positive thoughts your way friend. your in a tough spot there. That's a lot of damage to take seeing your wife with another man. I know because My sweet wife was a picture taker and saved a lot for me to catch her with. God bless you man.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therapy is helping for sure. I wish I could go there every day. I found the DVD, so I didn't lose it. It was jammed in between some work papers, so there is comfort in that.

I did make a password protected website that I sent to her. It had all the evidence I have collected on it. She only asked me to stop, this was getting way out of control. Me exposing her will hurt people more than just her. It will hurt everyone. And that she knows I don't want to hear it, but I need to delete all of this stuff. Before I do something that I can't recover from.

My strength is one of my positive traits. I KNOW I can get over this. I know life is going to get better. But I will never stop loving this woman, and I want to be there for her when she finally starts to deal with these long festering issues she has. It all starts with her father; she has told me countless times it does. Wanting her to face her demons so we can make it through this. I am also wondering if I am wanting her back just so I don't have to face my family with a failed marriage. They love her very much, and can see how much she's changed my life. But there were initial concerns that she would up and change her mind one day. That she isn't capable of concern or compassion for others.

And they seem to be right. And I hate thinking about the conversation with them that I screwed up once again.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 9:10 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so you're letting her tell you what you should do and what you shouldn't do? really?

and you still love her and want to help her and reconcile with her? really?


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so you're letting her tell you what you should do and what you shouldn't do? really?
and you still love her and want to help her and reconcile with her? really?

Yes, I am. I am completely lost. I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop myself. I keep reading the 180, but I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me, and my therapist is making good insight already with only 2 sessions under my belt. I am learning a lot about myself with her (therapist). But yes, I am still giving her the keys to the car (my wife).

Yes, I still see this traumatic event as the moment where we get the chance to face our own demons, and grow from them. I put my wedding ring back on, because I don't want to let her go. I have never been happier than when I make her happy. When we spend time with our families. I cannot see what life is like without her. I want to be the one who helps her grow. I know, it's terrible.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 11:04 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
mike7
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Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one thing you need to learn, you are not acting with self respect. i'm sorry, but it's the truth. your love for her doesn't excuse that.

I get the love thing. really. But it just doesn't work in this situation.

Of all the stories I've read here, I have never once seen a WW come back to a begging, pleading husband. the only cases I've seen where the WW was remorseful is when the husband filed for divorce or threw her out.

seriously

But, despite this being said many times by many people, these men who desperately cling to their wives somehow think, "well, this is different. we are in love. If I prostrate myself and remind her of how good we were together, if I beg enough, she will realize i love her." but it never happens.

I wish you the best, but friend, I think you are in for a world of hurt. I'm sorry.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are not acting with self respect. i'm sorry, but it's the truth.

I know. My therapist has been asking me both sessions so far what makes me feel like I am not worth it. And wants me to explore myself; why I feel like I need to pursue someone that tries so hard to be unlovable. I know there is nothing different here. I am extremely saddened by how filled this forum is. I never thought something like this would happen to someone so devoted like me.

I have been bombarding her with texts all day. And she sent me one just a little while ago that has sort of snapped me out of it. It said "{my name}, I can't do anything but try and keep my head above water while dealing with what's coming from you. It's constant."

My first reaction? Stop texting her because she needs to learn to actually miss me. I read last night someone else's struggle, and he mentioned how he feels the same way he did, 6 months later. And my heart sank.

I want this terrible feeling to go away. I want to just get life back to normal. I want some remorse to show up on my doorstep. I am still thinking only about her. I have been instructed by my therapist with "homework" for our next session. But I can't get there. I cannot accept in my heart yet that I do not matter to her. I cannot stop looking at our wedding photos. I cannot even picture what life will be like a year from now.

It's not the act of cheating, it's the running away that kills me.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Stretcher2
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Member # 40517
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what you have gone through in the 4 months I think you are lucky you have found out the truth now before it goes any farther. You need to get yourself check out for STD's for sure but you know she is going to use her body to see any job she wants from what you have seen already. You will find the lucky lady you deserve...just get this one annulled. (don't know if I spelled that right!!) Good luck!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LTLH)))
there are no children involved. get out while u can, and start all over again with someone who has a conscience

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:12 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
PhoenixReborn
♂ Member
Member # 22135
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,,
I will not add any other advice except:

Make sevaral more backups of that DVD, keep some in a safe location like a safe or safety deposit box and never-ever delete or get rid of them ever...

I still have all evidence I obtained about my scammer ex from YEARS ago on a thumbdrive somewhere, and I always will.
Just because I have it stored does not mean I look at it - I havent looked at it / photos etc.. in years.

You never know when you will ever need it, I had need for my data at one point, long (years) after the X-b**ch was ridden from my life, and I was glad I still had it.

If you WW is insistent you delete/destroy it, tell her it is gone now (but just put it away - securely).. never get rid of it.

Information is truly power and your WW knows it, this is why you need to keep it.
Also you might want to make a copy potentially for OMBW.

IMO I Definitely recommend consulting with as many lawyers as you can if that means it locks her out from using them.
Sorry to say, but how do you know she is not already doing the same thing already... cover yourself.

Good Luck.

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 4:42 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, youre not listening to anyone here.Everyone here has been there an done that. Everyone here has youre best interest at heart.Again you cant niece youre wife back! She is not going to have any respect for you an you can pretty much forget about her coming back while your acting like a needy beta male!Time to find the Alpha male inside of you an out her to everyone. An you should divorce her.Reconcilation is possible after divorce in some cases, not all but some. I don't want you to look back at some future date an wish in a very big way that you should've taken the advice here from folks that have walked in your shoes.Strength brother.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 94 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
lovetoloveher
♂ New Member
Member # 41994
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I haven't been doing what I need to do for myself. Guess I was still in complete shock. Today is a little better. I've been really mean to her lately. I spent most of yesterday sending her very hateful messages. I have stopped doing that and just going to keep to myself, go to therapy, and try to figure out what to do next with myself.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
sidney2718
♂ New Member
Member # 41190
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovetoloveher wrote:

I know. My therapist has been asking me both sessions so far what makes me feel like I am not worth it. And wants me to explore myself; why I feel like I need to pursue someone that tries so hard to be unlovable. I know there is nothing different here. I am extremely saddened by how filled this forum is. I never thought something like this would happen to someone so devoted like me.

I have been bombarding her with texts all day. And she sent me one just a little while ago that has sort of snapped me out of it. It said "{my name}, I can't do anything but try and keep my head above water while dealing with what's coming from you. It's constant."

My first reaction? Stop texting her because she needs to learn to actually miss me. I read last night someone else's struggle, and he mentioned how he feels the same way he did, 6 months later. And my heart sank.

I want this terrible feeling to go away. I want to just get life back to normal. I want some remorse to show up on my doorstep. I am still thinking only about her. I have been instructed by my therapist with "homework" for our next session. But I can't get there. I cannot accept in my heart yet that I do not matter to her. I cannot stop looking at our wedding photos. I cannot even picture what life will be like a year from now.

It's not the act of cheating, it's the running away that kills me.

I am very sad for you. It is an awful situation. But I do feel that you are doing it all wrong. You are running after her, blaming yourself for what she did. And you expect her to repent? Why should she? She's got friends with benefits and you and it is her choice.

It is a terrible mistake to wait for her to chose between you and the other guy. Crawling around begging her to be nice to you just isn't going to cut it.

What you have to do is get her attention. Do that by filing for divorce. Yes, file for divorce. That will get her attention. You will have time before a divorce is granted. It varies from state to state. But now she has to either work to get you back or give it up.

If she gives it up, it was never going to work out. So you have lost nothing.

In the meantime, deal with financial issues. Upset women sometimes do nasty things with bank accounts just to inconvenience you. Get your own account and move half your money into it. Get legal advice, as folks have already said, and be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions from both you and her.

In the end, you can always stop the divorce if need be. The way it is now, face it, she's already gone.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Northeast US
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