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User Topic: Do you constantly write emails in your head?
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Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mentioned the kids being away. Tell him right before that, so you can maximize that time while your kids are totally shielded. God I wish this could have happened to me at a time when the kids could be out of the house. It was a nightmare trying to be a good mom while having my whole world pulled out from under me. And further, is there someone you can tell about what is happening that can take the kids often for a while? A family member of close friend that you can confide in? Since it sounds like you might just do this, but maybe not for a week or so, use that time to think about how to shield your kids! Your BH will suffer, there is no way around that. But take advantage of this time to figure out ways to help your kids avoid the fallout as much as possible. That is one place where you actually can make a huge difference right now, and take a lot of pressure off of your BH too. I really feel like the fact that I was with my kids 24/7 through all of this has slowed my healing because I have had to stuff my emotions down hard pretty much constantly.

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bs here. I totally think you are doing great. Still here and already you have grown. You are not defined by what you did, but you may be defined by how you handle it. We have a betrayed menz thread, and one theme that comes up quite a bit is that we can handle the A, but not the lies that came after discovery. The cover-up is usually the deal breaker.

Also- my fWW and I took a trip 3 days after DDAY together. We fought quite a bit, but we spent 2 days in each other's company. Lots of tears, but a real weekend of being honest.

Consider telling him before. Good luck!

The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All good points. To be honest after reading some posts tonight about how BS's are throwing in the towel after their WS has been trying so hard etc it makes me even more scared to willingly put my life in this spot. I think I will still do it but it doesnt help to read all the posts of the BS's wanting a divorce.

I agree that having the kids gone is the perfect time to talk but he will just be getting back from being out of town and we'll only have a few days before we leave for our overnight.I dont think I can do it then unless we just forfeit our outing and stay home and I ruin his life. That does make the most sense in a sick way but this was a gift he was planning for me so UGH what to do. and yes I did go to this city with OM but it was only for a few hours. Just a few beers and window shopping, not overnight. Still I wish it wasnt the same town but cant change that unless we just dont go.

Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadinlex, I appreciate your reply and wanting to come out of lurk mode to tell me. I agree with what you said but can't change the location of what he picked. Kind of in a no win situation in a way trying to pick the better option doesnt really exist.

I'm so sorry you were on the receiving end of what Ive now done to my husband.

Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
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Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, yes, there are some BS's that do want a divorce after an affair. However, just look on the site and in the other forums to see how many more chose to reconcile. Far more did.

I agree with the others about telling him BEFORE the trip. Please. If you do it after, his memory of the trip will be so tainted. He may feel manipulated, even more lied to. It will NOT be a good memory.

DDay1 for me was July 8th. Two weeks later, this was planned long before, we had box seat tickets at the Kennedy Center to see Wicked. Those suckers cost $250 a pop. I thought about taking someone else, but decided to go with my husband instead. We ended up booking a room to stay in DC that night in a beautiful hotel. I got way dressed up in a gown (Kennedy center you can totally do this). We ate at a posh restaurant. That night we had a wonderful time, during the show and after in the hotel. We slept late the next morning. It WAS a nice time to reconnect.

Yes the affair was still right on the surface, but for 36 hours, it was just us, reconnecting after a horrible two weeks. I have a good memory of that weekend. Had I not known until after, I would have felt it entirely ruined.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is hard, but you have been doing great.
I am happy that you are progressing.

I would also advise to tell before the trip.

Keep up the good work

The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2535 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
sinsof thefather
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Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused can I just emphasise again what Sadinlex said, because she is right on the money with this in my opinion.

When your husband finds out that you went to this place with the OM he will not be looking back at this trip as a special weekend for the two of you before his world fell apart. Your BS will feel foolish that he thought it was something special, that he went there with you. He'll be wondering whether you were thinking of the OM during the trip, whether you were remembering the things you did with the OM when you were there together. Because you didn't say anything, he will feel like you took him for a fool. What you think will be time for the two of you to enjoy each other will have become another tainted memory and source of bitterness, humiliation and pain.

Please do consider how your husband will see this weekend after he knows.

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


First of all, I would like to say that I think it's great that you're still here on the forum and that you're looking for a way to do the right thing in this bad situation. Don't give up, no matter what happens, on doing the best possible for the kids, your husband & yourself, now and in the future!

I understand you're scared, but from my personal experience, the sooner she would have told me, the better it would have been. And if by any chance I would've found out from someone else/myself, I think I wouldn't have given reconciliation a chance. And the longer you wait, the bigger the chance is of him finding out somehow. I think any potential benefits of you waiting for the right moment etc. pale in comparison to the potential risks of waiting.

I think a lot of great advice has been given, and at the moment I'd just like to add my "vote" to the tell him before the getaway "camp":) For all the reasons already mentioned by others, there's also a chance that he'll perhaps feel that you waited because you were selfish & wanted to "exploit" him to get the chance to enjoy the getaway. And given everything else, it will be another thing you'll have to convince him to think otherwise. Don't give his scared, hurt side any more ammunition/potentially bad things...

Best wishes to all of you!

BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
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Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are going away in less than 2 weeks for a weekend getaway and I feel horrible having him lavish all his attention on me, making me feel great etc and then coming home to me telling him soon thereafter, but if I tell him before we go then all his planning for this great weekend will be for nothing.

This is kind of what happened to us. Only he didn't confess, I discovered it by accident.

Before Dday he had a week off coming up. We were planning a vacation to one of those honeymoon type places with champagne glass shape whirlpools etc. Kinda hokey, but I was excited.

Then Dday hit. I could not believe he was actually allowing me to plan this thing. I felt I was making a complete fool of myself and only he knew it and he let me.

If we had actually gone I would feel ten times worse.

So, if I were you I would not allow this weekend to happen. I think it will make things worse.

The other thing to consider is that right after Dday, it is very difficult to even function. We were consumed with this "thing" and everything about every day life was difficult to get through. So, we used the time that was supposed to be for vacation to work through this. It was a time when our schedules were already cleared, so we were able to focus all our energy on the trauma. FWH says it was the best and worst week of his life.

Please know that this is just my opinion. I have not read enough about this specific situation to know for sure. But this was definitely how I felt about it.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
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