Also- my fWW and I took a trip 3 days after DDAY together. We fought quite a bit, but we spent 2 days in each other's company. Lots of tears, but a real weekend of being honest.
Consider telling him before. Good luck!
I agree that having the kids gone is the perfect time to talk but he will just be getting back from being out of town and we'll only have a few days before we leave for our overnight.I dont think I can do it then unless we just forfeit our outing and stay home and I ruin his life. That does make the most sense in a sick way but this was a gift he was planning for me so UGH what to do. and yes I did go to this city with OM but it was only for a few hours. Just a few beers and window shopping, not overnight. Still I wish it wasnt the same town but cant change that unless we just dont go.
I'm so sorry you were on the receiving end of what Ive now done to my husband.
I agree with the others about telling him BEFORE the trip. Please. If you do it after, his memory of the trip will be so tainted. He may feel manipulated, even more lied to. It will NOT be a good memory.
DDay1 for me was July 8th. Two weeks later, this was planned long before, we had box seat tickets at the Kennedy Center to see Wicked. Those suckers cost $250 a pop. I thought about taking someone else, but decided to go with my husband instead. We ended up booking a room to stay in DC that night in a beautiful hotel. I got way dressed up in a gown (Kennedy center you can totally do this). We ate at a posh restaurant. That night we had a wonderful time, during the show and after in the hotel. We slept late the next morning. It WAS a nice time to reconnect.
Yes the affair was still right on the surface, but for 36 hours, it was just us, reconnecting after a horrible two weeks. I have a good memory of that weekend. Had I not known until after, I would have felt it entirely ruined.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I would also advise to tell before the trip.
Keep up the good work
When your husband finds out that you went to this place with the OM he will not be looking back at this trip as a special weekend for the two of you before his world fell apart. Your BS will feel foolish that he thought it was something special, that he went there with you. He'll be wondering whether you were thinking of the OM during the trip, whether you were remembering the things you did with the OM when you were there together. Because you didn't say anything, he will feel like you took him for a fool. What you think will be time for the two of you to enjoy each other will have become another tainted memory and source of bitterness, humiliation and pain.
Please do consider how your husband will see this weekend after he knows.
First of all, I would like to say that I think it's great that you're still here on the forum and that you're looking for a way to do the right thing in this bad situation. Don't give up, no matter what happens, on doing the best possible for the kids, your husband & yourself, now and in the future!
I understand you're scared, but from my personal experience, the sooner she would have told me, the better it would have been. And if by any chance I would've found out from someone else/myself, I think I wouldn't have given reconciliation a chance. And the longer you wait, the bigger the chance is of him finding out somehow. I think any potential benefits of you waiting for the right moment etc. pale in comparison to the potential risks of waiting.
I think a lot of great advice has been given, and at the moment I'd just like to add my "vote" to the tell him before the getaway "camp":) For all the reasons already mentioned by others, there's also a chance that he'll perhaps feel that you waited because you were selfish & wanted to "exploit" him to get the chance to enjoy the getaway. And given everything else, it will be another thing you'll have to convince him to think otherwise. Don't give his scared, hurt side any more ammunition/potentially bad things...
Best wishes to all of you!
We are going away in less than 2 weeks for a weekend getaway and I feel horrible having him lavish all his attention on me, making me feel great etc and then coming home to me telling him soon thereafter, but if I tell him before we go then all his planning for this great weekend will be for nothing.
This is kind of what happened to us. Only he didn't confess, I discovered it by accident.
Before Dday he had a week off coming up. We were planning a vacation to one of those honeymoon type places with champagne glass shape whirlpools etc. Kinda hokey, but I was excited.
Then Dday hit. I could not believe he was actually allowing me to plan this thing. I felt I was making a complete fool of myself and only he knew it and he let me.
If we had actually gone I would feel ten times worse.
So, if I were you I would not allow this weekend to happen. I think it will make things worse.
The other thing to consider is that right after Dday, it is very difficult to even function. We were consumed with this "thing" and everything about every day life was difficult to get through. So, we used the time that was supposed to be for vacation to work through this. It was a time when our schedules were already cleared, so we were able to focus all our energy on the trauma. FWH says it was the best and worst week of his life.
Please know that this is just my opinion. I have not read enough about this specific situation to know for sure. But this was definitely how I felt about it.