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User Topic: Do you constantly write emails in your head?
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always hesitate to post once a flag has been thrown on a thread, but this is not WS/BS specific information.

Confused, you mentioned wanting to 'fix' the AP. Forgive me for not going back and digging out the quote. It's there somewhere. And I think part of your need to write these emails in your head are about focusing on his behavior/actions instead of looking at your own.

I hope someday you realize that that need to fix came at a huge cost to yourself.

BS's talk about having that need to 'fix' someone and controlling the outcome of a situation through trying to change the behavior of the OP. To fixate on the behavior of someone else to the detriment of ourselves (in the general term of we). Then some of the veteran BS will come in and say BTDT and suggest the person read Codependent No More. Don't let the label freak you out. It is a very good book. It doesn't matter what side of the fence you are on.

I don't see it mentioned a lot in Wayward, so incase you've missed those posts I thought I'd pass that info along. If it pertains to you, take it. If not, leave it.

Good luck.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re-reading her last post we've decided to keep this open.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:28 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198282 | Registered: May 2002
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SMEZ: My therapist and I talk about "confessions" all the time. Are you confessing to make yourself feel better or are you confessing because you truly feel bad about the affair? Because one is just transferring some of the pain directly onto your spouse. The other is accepting consequences however they may fall.

My BS isn't going to divorce me over the affair but it would hurt him very deeply to hear about the sexual details of my A. We were in marriage counselling because of a sexless marriage. And he is less concerned about the physical details of the A and more concerned about my emotional attachment. The fact I love another person is more damaging to our marriage. The sex is just icing on the cake.

I am not confessing yet because of what you asked above. I'm not sure. I'm trying to figure that out. The reason I was not going to confess is because I felt it transferred my guilt now to someone else to feel miserable. I need to make sure it's because I think it's the right thing to do for our marriage to survive and that I'm truly remorseful. I think confessing will help me get truly remorseful.

I'm not sure how my husband will want information. From me, reading it, asking AP. I just have no idea but I know that wahtever method he chooses he will not like what he hears/reads. This was a very involved EA and PA.

It just makes me wonder, how do you fall for someone so quickly. Although I always have, which makes me think I really like someone to "like/love" me. It makes me feel good. I was not the one to say I love you first. It took me longer in all my relationships so it's not as if I am trying to create something, it's there but why o why o why. I need to not seek attention from others to feel good but that seems to be my pattern and when I want to seek it I shall find. I've never cheated before, maybe because I didn't find or make the opportunity or maybe I was ok with myself then. I need to find that "then" person again and work on the "future" person a whole lot.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,

Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hoping I can help. My WH's plan was to just be a better husband and to never confess. He had broken up with his 2yr AP and the next weekend he joined me and the kids for one of their tournaments. He actually spent the weekend at a hotel with us and was involved (something he hadn't been for at least two years). On spring break he joined us again ( I had gotten used to his always having "to work" and was happily surprised by this).

i wasn't planning to divorce him for those years of neglect. I was simply happy to have him around again and told him so. But then I found the email from her, probably like one of the ones you write in your head, wanting answers and "closure" to their break-up.

Fast forward two years and the fact that he didn't confess is one of the major problems with our continued relationship. He has changed for the better, is a great dad now, sees that he's needed at home, actually comes home from work and is very loving with me.

I simply don't trust that if he started to go down that path again that he would tell me.

He was a big Dr. Laura fan, he justified his decision not to tell me based on her preachy opinion that it was selfish and that it would be better simply never to have another affair and to "spare" your spouse.

Here are some problems I see with this approach: in our situation had my husband not been caught, he would have never dealt with the underlying reasons he had the affair. He says he probably would have eventually had another one because his issues still remained. He broke up with his AP because he didn't like her, not because he didn't like having an affair. In your case it sounds like you would still be in the affair if you had the choice.

Secondly, although now my husband is remorseful/reformed, etc. I see that time period when he was pretending to be a good husband and father at spring break as such a slimy acting job.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(forgive the length, it's 4 am here)

Now that I can imagine that we've worked things out and we're not divorcing I see his decision not to tell me as a warning for letting myself get too close to him or too dependent on him in the future. I simply don't trust him to be honest with me.

I still would have sucked to have that, "honey I've got something to tell you" conversation but it would have shown moral courage. Our marriage, as I said, is now great BUT of course for this. I have made him promise that if/when he plans to cheat in the future he will just be fair and divorce me first. I don't trust that he will do this though based on his last plan.

I don't see not telling as anything but a cowardly act. Either you plan to stay with your husband and try to keep the family intact, in which case telling will IMHO be better for you and your husband's future, or you divorce your husband, and in that case he deserves to know why.

Far from Dr. L's viewpoint, not telling and keeping your husband in the role of the "chump" is completely unfair, is selfishly designed to keep the blame and pain away from yourself.

From reading your emails though, I don't think you're yet at the point of telling/not telling. I think you are still wrapped up in your affair and that you wish you were still actively involved. Telling or "confessing" should start from the mindset that you think you've done something wrong and that you are seeking forgiveness.

Good luck with all of this. My heart goes out to your "in the dark" husband and your kids AS WELL AS YOU. I hope for everyone's sake you let the "in love" feelings you are having for your AP not continue to cloud your perception of right and wrong and you find an honest way to deal with this.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, as to your question of if it is better to tell, or rather to just become a better spouse without telling and to work on the marriage without disclosure...I'm going to try to just discuss that.

You can read my profile for more details, but in short, my husband had multiple affairs. Four AP's in total with various degrees.

AP#1 was three times of sex, one oral sex and no emotions. She hooked him up with AP#2 after she moved away.

AP#2 was a LTA of over 2 years in which she loved him and wanted to have his baby. He ended it when she told him that. However they still worked together a few more months, and then after she moved she tried to continue with an EA.

AP#3 was his most emotional attachment. He did not have sex with her, but had been physical in other ways. They both said I love you.

AP#4 was a one night make out session during false R.

So...this went on for a period of 5 years. I knew NOTHING about AP#1 or AP#2. All I knew was that my husband became very emotionally unavailable. He emotionally and at times, physically abandoned me during those times. I was very ill health wise, and I had very little support from him.

He was angry, sullen, and detached from me and our children. I kept trying to be a better wife in hopes it would help our marriage. I tried to do things to help us get closer both just in marriage and our family. It didn't work.

I felt isolated and rejected, but I had no idea why. We did have sex, but there was no emotion. We were not connected at all. He used me as a sexual release, not as a loving wife.

I knew there was something very wrong with our marriage, but I didn't know what. I begged for him to go to marriage counseling with me, he refused. So I went to IC myself. Tried to fix ME because I thought *I* was the problem. It didn't help our marriage even though it helped me to a degree.

Again, during this time, I was very ill. I had a very intensive surgery a few months before DDay1. He had just ended things with AP#2 and right after he went back to work after helping me after my surgery, he began to pursue AP#3. I then had a very scary breast biopsy, and I can remember him being so cold during that time.

I ended up finding out about AP#3. I confronted him with proof, he admitted only what he had to. I was devastated. I thought it was due to my health issues. He swore to me, it had ONLY been AP#3, no one else. But in my gut...I knew there was more, again however, I didn't know WHAT.

We went to therapy, I questioned and questioned. He continued to lie. We were in a false R for a year. It was one of the worst R's now that I look back. I kept trying to FEEL like we were making progress, but we weren't. Because there were still lies between us, he still had a huge wall between us, because he didn't want me to know about the others. He was still very angry and volatile.

Then DDay#2 happened. He was fired for sexual harassment because he was trying to pursue someone else.

You see, because he didn't disclose, he couldn't truly work on himself and truly fix himself. Because he was still lying. And, he was trying to find a way to fill a hole in him, but couldn't with me, because he couldn't be honest with me.

DDay#2 was his bottom. I found out about the other three AP's. You want to talk about shock? Yeah. It was horrific. I felt like that year of false R was such a slap in the face to me. He had been lying to me and our therapist for a year.

As much as the affairs hurt me, what hurt more, was the lies. It took a few months for him to GET it and stop the TT, but when we did, that is when I began to finally heal and then when we could FINALLY start working on our marriage.

My point is after all this verbal vomit is this...If I had never found out about any of this? Our marriage would have never been able to be fixed. Never. A marriage can not be mended when there are secrets and lies between spouses. The BS knows there is something wrong. We may not know WHAT is wrong, but we know that there is something VERY VERY wrong. We can't fix it because we don't know how, because we don't know what the actual problem is, only the WS does.

When everything did finally come out? Yes, I was beyond hurt, angry, devastated. However? It was also a relief. To know that I wasn't crazy. To know that there was a true real reason all along.

Once I had all the puzzle pieces together, then I was able to make a decision about our future. Prior to that, I couldn't, because huge pieces were missing and only he was making the decisions FOR me.

Most people, out of the thousands of stories and posts I've read in the past 2 1/2 years since my first dday have said, it isn't the affair that breaks a marriage, but rather the lies.

I will also say, for me, it would have been better had he confessed instead of me finding out everything. It would have been FAR FAR better had he confessed to the others as well at DDay#1 instead of having a second DDay.

I commend you for sticking with us in this forum. I know it isn't easy, but you have wise people here. They truly are vested in trying to help others along this journey. I am amazed by many of the WS here who have truly changed their lives and become authentic and honest in their marriages.

If I can advise you this...when you do confess to your husband, please do not lie, minimize or try to protect him. Tell him everything and answer any question he has. I would also suggest you write out a DETAILED timeline before hand and keep it safe. After you tell him, give it to him and tell him to read it when he's ready and that you will answer everything he needs to know.

Good luck, you are very strong.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
naivewife
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Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've had a ton of good advice here, and a sprinkling of um... advice. I'll just mention that WH did confess to me, since you're right, the majority is getting caught situations. I did initially catch WH, and after which he took it underground. But finally he did confess. I honestly feel that that is the only reason I was open to the idea of reconciliation. That confession symbolized so much in my head, it was the only thing in my life that gave my WH any credit for being the person I thought he was all along. Without that he would have truly been a monster, no evidence of being the person I married, and no desire to do anything but get him out of my life as fast as possible. He showed me he could tell the truth, it was possible. He showed that moral courage, as a previous poster mentioned, did exist inside of him. It showed that there truly was a worthwhile human being still inside him. It showed that what he really wanted was to live an authentic life, no matter how much pain it brought him. It showed that he still did have some shred of respect for me. It showed that he believed I was worth the truth. I clung to that confession in the early days and even now, 10 months later I go back to that moment in my mind to help get me through the hard times. I really don't believe much in the idea that you have to be sure you're doing it for him and not for yourself. I mean, that's nice if you can, but really, I don't think you can ever de-fog thoroughly enough to do anything truly non-selfish before you confess. You have lived in a bubble of self-centeredness for far too long and the only way to pop it is to tell your BS the truth. Then you can emerge from the bubble and learn what it means to be selfless and loving.

So yeah, when I think about it, I've experienced both discovery and confession. Post discovery there was a huge gaping chasm between us, there was no "us". I was instantly left for dead in my mind. Post confession, there was an instantaneous bond, if that makes any sense. We were in this shit together. Our bond still existed. I had something to cling onto when the world was cut out from under me.

Oh and yes, I CONSTANTLY write emails in my head to OW!

[This message edited by naivewife at 7:50 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU have to be comfortable with your decision

See, here's the thing: you don't have to be comfortable with it. Who, on earth, would be "comfortable" revealing this aspect of him/herself?
I agree with solus sto here - it's not about comfort. And if you're going to wait (or work) until you're comfortable before confessing, you're wasting your time. However, I do believe that you have to be confident in your decision. And I think authenticity and integrity will get you there. You cannot control your husband, or anything else outside yourself.

This also jumped out at me:

So if you separate me from that I am trying to tell you the type of person I am.
For me, healing began with me being all of me, all of the time. Integrity in the sense of wholeness. I needed to stop hiding bits and pieces of myself, trying to avoid getting 'caught out', worrying that people would finally figure out what a fraudulent loser I really was. Of course, I still adjust my actions to my environment - but I'm still all present, no secrets, no hiding. It helps prevent disconnect, as well.

Now, I'm probably over sensitive to this one sentence of yours, but by now you've probably learned to take the comments on here for what they're worth to you.

As for your IC - what kind of method do you use? Even in talk therapies, there are methods that have been proven effective and those that, well, haven't. 'Simply' talking isn't going to cut it unless all the client needs to solve her problems is an attentive ear. You don't have to answer on here, of course, but it may be useful to spend some time working out your goals, needs, and boundaries for your own counselling.

Good luck!

~L.

ETA: Instead of writing imaginary emails, I have imaginary conversations (usually on my way to work/home/school) with whoever is bugging me at any point in time. My imaginary conversations with the man I had an affair with were mostly me preaching at him, accusatory, angry, yelling at him what I was telling myself. No fun, but it helped me get perspective. These imaginary conversations took place after my husband discovered the affair. Can't remember how long they lasted.

Also,

I need to not seek attention from others to feel good but that seems to be my pattern and when I want to seek it I shall find. I've never cheated before, maybe because I didn't find or make the opportunity or maybe I was ok with myself then. I need to find that "then" person again and work on the "future" person a whole lot.
This is good. Doesn't feel good, I know, but it's good work, reflecting, seeing, deciding. Needs to be done .

[This message edited by leftoolate at 6:59 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure many BSs would say they wish they never knew. If life could be the way it was and their spouse would never stray again

It has been 2 years 3 months since my first DDay, which was more of a gut feeling, something is wrong, my H is lying to me about a text message that makes NO sense!, OMG he is cheating! type of DDay. I am 2 months away from my 2nd DDay, which was more of a my H let some info slip because I 'coaxed' it out of him while he was drunk and on Ambien type of Dday. The time between my Dday's was spent wondering if I was crazy, and digging, digging, digging for info. I found other stuff, but wh always explained it way by gaslighting, but my gut just kept screaming.

It took me 3 months after my 2nd DDay to get wh to give me her name! Turns out she was an exGF (sort of, because she had a live-in BF at the time, who she is STILL with NOW!). He has refused to tell me anything else, completely denies any sort of affair, maintains their reconnection was a complete accident (they are in the same industry), swears it was only a couple of phone conversations that were MOSTLY about business, a little bit of "A blast from the past" conversation, but mostly business.

I know this is not true for a lot of reasons, but certainly my gut would not have so strongly picked up on something else if the above was true. Which brings me to this quote:

He knows I'm not happy right now and feels the burden of that and isn't sure how to proceed with me. He wants me forever he says but he has no idea what I've done. and he's feeling very rejected by me.

Your H's gut is probably telling him what he doesn't want to believe. He is desperately trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, but so MANY of the pieces are missing, or just aren't fitting. He's got the box out, the pieces are in there, he keeps shuffling through them, over and over and over. Just when he thinks he's found a piece that starts bringing the 'picture' together, he realizes it doesn't fit! So he throws it back in the box and starts shuffling again!

Every once in awhile he DOES find a piece that seems to fit perfectly! Look how nice and easily that piece slips right in there. But the picture that starts forming is terrible and he looks at you and says to himself he MUST have the wrong piece so he tosses it back into the pile of pieces. BUT HE CAN'T FORGET ABOUT THAT PIECE! He tries to avoid it as he shuffles through that box looking for OTHER pieces that should fit. But somehow, that goddamn piece(s) keeps ending up back in his hand. And no matter how much he tells himself THIS time that piece will not fit, he tries it again. And again, that piece fits.

He knows the picture is not going to be a pretty one. He feels your presence in the marriage now, but even now things are not right. He wants to throw that fucking box of puzzle pieces away, but he can't. He has to know what the picture looks like, because he KNOWS you have the full picture. All the pieces are there for YOU! YOU can see it, but his mind won't rest until he can see it as well.

So he keeps shuffling, shuffling, shuffling through, even knowing it will be impossible to ever put that picture together completely because you keep hiding the pieces on him, you keep telling him (indirectly by withholding the truth), that those pieces that SEEM to fit so perfectly do not in fact fit. Even though he can SEE the piece(s) fit, FEEL the piece(s) fit, deep down KNOW the piece(s) fit, you are in essence telling him they DON'T fit.

And his mind just keeps going round and round and round as he continues to shuffle through all those pieces. It is like a slow torture. Right now, your husband is feeling tortured, and it is horrible. I know because I am living it.

Please help him put that puzzle together.


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^This^^^. So much this. I wish there was a way to show sad and pain in a font. This was exactly how I felt for months as I tried to figure out what went wrong, how to fix it. My H did not confess. His 5th OW outed him to me after he broke it off with her. 3 days before our wedding (my story is in my profile if you want more details). I was sad and I cried and I yelled. But, I was also relieved. I wasn't crazy after all. Over the next few days, we talked and I read and all the suspicions I had were confirmed. The hard work we have out into our marriage has been just that - HARD WORK. But, even though he had broken it off with her, our relationship would not have healed to the point it is now. I'd still 'know' something had been wrong and I'd always be waiting for whatever caused that distance and unhappiness to come back. I'd be afraid that anything I did would cause that. I would always walk on eggshells and when something did happen, I'd blame myself. I'm not good enough at _____________. I need to do _________ differently so he will love me more and be happy. It is no way to live. I know you think you're sparing him the pain of your actions, but he's already living that pain every day - he just doesn't know why. You have the power to help him understand and are intentionally with holding it - just like so many of those who were caught did. I wish my H would have confessed, but, I am thankful that the truth came to surface anyway.

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jan 2013
Newme123
♀ Member
Member # 41119
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. Confused I am not going to preach at you as everyone else has already said what I think. If your AP's bw is on this website, you can guarantee she is being told to out the affair to the other bs. Also one of the deciding factors for me to choose R with my wh was the fact that he confessed rather than being caught.


Me-BS 33, him-WH 31
Dday 10-30-12 the day before Halloween
Married 10 yrs
DS-14, DD-9, DS-2, DD-5m
Currently trying to R

Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I know I need to do it in order to start this healing process. Today I couldn't even think about telling him without crying. I just know how hurt and disappointed he will be and that just starts my floodgates.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I know I need to do it in order to start this healing process. Today I couldn't even think about telling him without crying. I just know how hurt and disappointed he will be and that just starts my floodgates.

I think you are getting there, I see a lot of hope for you. I've seen a lot of WS's who have come and gone here, asking for advice about coming clean with their BS, hoping to hear that it's okay to keep that secret.

Well, as you can see, that is not usually the advice they get, so while many come here, it always seems like so many leave. So when you first came here with the same story as so many others, and of course were given so many hard truths, I just SIGHED, and thought to myself another one bites the dust. She is not going to like what she is hearing, and so she will disappear like so many others. For some reason, I'm always disappointed when that happens.

But, YOU ARE STILL HERE!! You are still posting! You ARE listening! That itself takes courage. As a BS, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever try to write an encouraging post on the WS side, but..

I really see some real hope for you. I think you're here to stay, and I think somewhere down the line YOU will be helping OTHER WS's who find themselves here in the future that are where you are now. I really do!

All I can say is please hang in there, don't give up! The WS's here WILL help you, they WANT to help you and they will be here for you every step of the way!


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I know I need to do it in order to start this healing process. Today I couldn't even think about telling him without crying. I just know how hurt and disappointed he will be and that just starts my floodgates.

This is how I was when I was very close to confessing. It may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, it was for me. But it was absolutely worth it. Even in the midst of the horror of seeing the pain and anger on my BH's face, and as I was shaking and wanting to vomit, there was a huge feeling of relief too that I was no longer lying to him or myself.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ontilt, your post made me cry, a good cry, but the part that you said you saw some hope in me was what did it. I know I'm a strong person it's just so so hard to decide one day to ruin the life my husband knows. I know I"ve already ruined it and he just doesn't know, but you guys know what I mean.
As a BS, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever try to write an encouraging post on the WS side, but
I'm sure that must be hard but I do appreciate you and the other BS's responding. Really many of us are not that different. We might have been brought here for different reasons but we are all here. The WS aren't all that bad or different from your best friends. People have secrets, we just don't know all of them. My best friends have no idea about my hidden life either. I made a poor choice, and I knew it at the time too, but I made it. I am going to do my best to not let it define me for the rest of my life. I have way too much to offer to my kids and family than just a horrible title.


I woke today with this panic attack moment of realizing that once I tell him I will no longer have him as my comfort and I'll need to try to be his. He has always been the one to comfort me, I'm the one with the insecurity issues and now me the insecure, anxious, messed up one is going to lose the one person that is on her team. THat made me realize just how much harder it is going to be. And if he decides to tell others then I lose even more. Yes I know I made that choice when I cheated but that's what makes it even harder to confess though. When you are caught you have to deal then and now, but confessing means I'm ready to come clean and deal with it however it comes.

I'm scared. Very scared.

We are going away in less than 2 weeks for a weekend getaway and I feel horrible having him lavish all his attention on me, making me feel great etc and then coming home to me telling him soon thereafter, but if I tell him before we go then all his planning for this great weekend will be for nothing. I've decided not to tell before we go. We need a weekend to ourselves first and then hopefully I can find a time to have him alone and we can start what will be the worst day of his life : (


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,
I gently say, that if you wait your husband will not look back on your getaway as anything except the last innocent time he had before you dropped a bomb on him; it will be tainted anyway as the vacation you took while keeping secrets from him. You see, the damage has already been done, and the waiting and withholding only furthers it.

I would tell him now. The only possibility of an authentic and intimate marriage is by letting your husband see reality. As a BS, I can tell you that some of the most lonely and desolate times in my life were when my H was in the affair, and I didn't know. I knew something was terribly wrong (and my H didn't even "act out" much), but just could not have imagined what.

My feeling is that your H deserves the truth, and stat. You also deserve to not be a ghost in your own life. Hang in there, and keep posting. We all care - even BSes.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:18 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sadinlex
♀ Member
Member # 32047
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Confused,

I'm going to chime in here, I usually lurk. Most of the other members can express and give advice so much better and more eloquently than I ever could but I wanted to share my thoughts regarding the trip you are planning

We are going away in less than 2 weeks for a weekend getaway and I feel horrible having him lavish all his attention on me, making me feel great etc and then coming home to me telling him soon thereafter, but if I tell him before we go then all his planning for this great weekend will be for nothing. I've decided not to tell before we go. We need a weekend to ourselves first and then hopefully I can find a time to have him alone and we can start what will be the worst day of his life : (

My husband has planned an overnight in a couple of weeks for us, but it happens to be in a small town that me and AP were in a few months ago together. part of me thinks I should take the weekend to just enjoy him, the other part says take the weekend to tell him while the kids are away. But who wants to be in a fun town and a ncie place and get this kind of news. Me thinks I should wait til afterward...another delay I know.

I would strongly suggest that you rethink this trip if you are planning on confessing particularly because it happens to be a place you went with the OM.

If you end up confessing later, the planning will have been all for nothing anyway. When all the puzzle pieces begin to come together the humiliation and pain he will experience will no doubt be compounded by the fact that you had knowingly let him plan and then went on a vacation to a place you had spent with the OM. I'm not very good at explaining things so I hope you can understand what I mean.

I don't want to say much more but I will add one example of a day my town was hosting a festival. My husband suggested we go. OW told him about it (she was our friend). Her brother was part of the show so WH thought it would be a nice outing for the family. I was SO happy because for a long while he had not much interest in doing family things. In fact, he usually discouraged it. When we got there, we met up with OW and her mother. WH gave her an awkward hug I will remember to this day - I thought it strange, we were friends but did not usually hug - now I know why ... but I digress.

Anyway, now I cannot think of that day without wanting to throw up. There is no happy family outing in my memory because now I know what they knew and I didn't. Now thinking of that day only brings up the humiliation and pain I felt when I found out. And it makes me angry.

When your husband finds out that you went to this place with the OM he will not be looking back at this trip as a special weekend for the two of you before his world fell apart. Your BS will feel foolish that he thought it was something special, that he went there with you. He'll be wondering whether you were thinking of the OM during the trip, whether you were remembering the things you did with the OM when you were there together. Because you didn't say anything, he will feel like you took him for a fool. What you think will be time for the two of you to enjoy each other will have become another tainted memory and source of bitterness, humiliation and pain.

[This message edited by sadinlex at 6:48 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


me - BW him - WH
Together 23 years, Married 21
2 children 14, 11
Dday - 4/11/2011 double betrayal
"After the A, being honest and being a bitch are pretty hard to tell apart." - Ladyogilvy

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused43,
BH here and I want to commend you for sticking with this thread and SI in general. I do understand that it is hard to confess. When it comes right down to it none of us finds it easy to admit to our bad choices, especially when we know we're going to cause disappointment.

You have been advised to confess which you have said you will soon do. As far as whether to confess before or after the trip...well that one is hard to say. From my perspective I can see the merits in waiting, in wanting to preserve those plans iffffff.....
1) You are sincerely dedicated to wanting to R. If you want D or are on the fence then I would feel used, humiliated and like I had been manipulated.
2) It is a place that has nothing to do with the OM. Not the same city or town. Not the same county. Not even the same type of place, and by that I mean something like renting a mountain cabin or going to a B&B.
and 3) You don't do that same things you did with the OM.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Echoing some others.

First . . . it is awesome to see the progress you're making. It is a miserably hard thing to do, but it is the path to healing and I'm glad you're working your way towards it.

Second . . . there is no good time or place. The weekend together you both need is going to be needed much more after you start to rebuild your marriage. The best vacations of my life have all been post D-Day. The one you guys have planned in a couple weeks is unlikely to ever be looked on fondly. It is much more likely to be looked on as one more deception.

Best luck with the path your travelling. Lots of folks pulling for you to start the hard work of healing.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1498 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
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