I get the point of not labeling it a 'R' A. It's an A, pure and simple; a really shitty decision that I felt entitled to make.

It was a combination of I wanted to fuck that guy, and I wanted to wait until the perfect time to throw it in XH's face, so as to cause the maximum amount of damage.

Obviously, I was pretty fucked in the head at the time. I can't say which is worse: XH and multiple As, or my desire to hurt him as much as I possibly could. What's worse, having a shark bite off your arm or having it torn off by industrial machinery? They both suck.

However, it has been extremely difficult for us not to compare the two situations. It helped me recognize the wayward mindset but when it came right down to it and I realized what I was doing was wrong (to me, no one else) and the alarm bell went off, my immediate gut reaction was NO -- this is wrong. I can't do that and I can't lie about it. Doesn't mean I was an awesome wife or human being, it just meant that something internal stopped me. When my husband came to that same fork in the road, he went the other way.

This was my story to a degree as well. I acted on my attraction and crossed the line with a friend, We kissed were physical on one occassion. I walked out on them and disclosed to my H.

I still two years after discovering my H's infidelity struggle with his very different choice. to actively pursue and affair, lie to me and our children. By his count for nearly four months.with over 30 - 40 encounters, 1000's of texts, 100's of phone calls.

Although we have come along way in our healing journey, this is still the the scratch on the record that repeats in my head.

The lenght of time between our infidelities did help. H. is very clear that my unfaithful actions 11 years ago did not effect his decision to be unfaithful. They did help his justifcation
once he was and wanted to continue his affair.

After discovery, that justification evaporated for him. He said it lifted like the smoke screen it was - because he understood the courage it took me to disclose. Courage he couldn't find himself. They were his words.

I can attest to anyone who is hanging in indecision. Disclosing your infidelity it tough - but when you offer your partner the truth - it helps healing beyond description. We are a living example of the place the choice to disclose or not disclose can lead you.
We understand his gaslighting and trickle feed of the truth on discovery did even worse damage than the act of infidelity itself. Damge to us both individually and to our marriage.

Healing is a long journey home to yourself. The act of honesty and owning your choices is much a gift to yourself as it is to your partner.

blessings to you all.

Meg.