And I feel like I failed at marriage. Here I was thinking that life is hard and going through that with someone else can be challenging but your partner shouldn’t be the source of pain.
Am I naďve and not marriage material? Do I cut and run too soon and deprive myself the joys of commitment?
I know many of you are in the same boat, many didn’t even get a chance to save their marriages. I completely understand and pass no judgments. Yet I can’t quit judging myself. I worry as happy as I am in my current relationship, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave if it got even half as bad as the last one.
I could have stayed married to the X; he didn't want a D. For some reason he thought it was ok to have a wife AND a girlfriend. My life would have been easier financially; I would have had the retirement I worked so hard for. But I couldn't do that to myself.
I also beat myself up a little over the vows--in sickness and in health. He was obviously not mentally well--he was depressed. THEN I beat myself up because my next thought was, "At least I don't have to play nurse to him when he gets old. Sheesh; I guess I am a bitch."
But, in the end, I did what I had to do. It's not necessarily what others would do. Hell, read some of the back stories of members who are completely reconciled; in my mind, there is no way I could have taken the wayward back after those circumstances, but that's me. It's your personal choice, it's served you well, and you should own it. You're good.
It takes 2 to make a marriage work, you can't do it on your own. Maybe you just realised that your WS just isn't going to work on it, long term? That's not failure, that's being realistic and emotionally healthy. Something it's taken me a while to grasp.
1) "Thank you for doing that."
2) "I really appreciate that."
3) "What can I do to help you?"
I believe all three show respect. I don't think it's not that you're the non-marrying type, it's just that you went through a horrible time with it like many of us did. It takes a long time to shake those dark feelings of unworthiness.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
We parallel parent my dd15. I don't want to be his friend or any part of his life. My struggle has been jealousy and wanting to be the "happy" divorced couple who managed to co-parent and be friendly towards each other. I have accepted that I am not capable of being his friend or even friendly. I can be civil.
Don't be too hard on yourself Crescita. ((((Crescita)))
I just realized I'm already breaking my New Year's resolution to live more in the moment. The inclination to obsess about the past and project it into the future is a very hard habit to break.
I made what I felt was the best decision and don't need to go down the rabbit hole of hypothetical alternate realities to predict the future.
I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who willing hurts me in that way. I'm not built for it.
I think there are a lot of people who stay out of financial reasons. Others from fear of loneliness. It is a lifestyle choice.
I also know of women who are very happy widows! One woman I know spent a fortune changing everything about her house/furniture within weeks of her husband dying.
For me, I feel I made the authentic choice.