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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: In So Much Pain!!
Averyhurtgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 37762
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! I have been in contact with my husband due to my son. The other day, he came over happy saying that he is moving on and it seemed like he found someone. I asked him if he is talking to someone and he was smiling with over joy. He also said some other things to me like we were not happy anyways, even if he didn't cheat we would have eventually gotten a divorce, that I had issues myself etc.
I have been in so much pain since then. It's been 2 years and am wondering when things will start to feel better. This pain seriously is not going away; thousands of dollar of counseling, using relaxation techniques, CBT, family support, working hard at work, working hard at being a mom but the pain is still there.

I really feel like it is never going to go away. It's pounding to the point where I just want life to pass by so I can one day grow up and die so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. I can't describe the pain, I still cry on a daily basis. It got better but now that the divorce is coming closer,!he is being a jerk, his family is encouraging him to treat me bad and guess what, it's working because I feel like I am stuck.

I just think it's not fair that he cheated on me for years and is happy while I was patient, gave him chances to change, and am the one crying. All he is doing is looking forward to a brighter future with another person, by meeting someone quickly so he can get married again.

He is also a very good liar and manipulator and is starting to tell people lies or exaggerate things I did in my marriage to sound like I was the one who had problems. I can't run from this pain. I see his life progressing happily. I have a son and will have to deal with him all my life.

To anyone who years post DD, has the pain gotten better??? Be honest please. I keep relaying on time and hard work but the pain is still intense.

How about the interaction with your ex, has that gotten better over the years, ESP if there are kids involved?

Have you moved on and married and found happiness or still have struggles? If you ex has moved on and gotten married, do u think she or he is happy? I don't think it's fair that they can hurt us and still be happy. How did you deal with the pain of seeing them marry another person and be your child's step parent and hear stories about them being happy?

If you had involved in laws and had kids involved, how are your interactions with them now? They are promoting my ex to treat me badly even though it was their son who did wrong; they are telling him that she was never happy with you anyway and it would have eventually broke off and they he was unhappy in the marriage etc.

I know this sounds harsh but Has karma come to visit ur ex? I obviously am in pain because I miss what we once had, despise him for hurting me, living the life of a lie for half or marriage, and then saying we weren't happy anyways. How can I hate yet still love someone that hurt me so much.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Oregan
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, you need to stop focusing on him. I know, that is easier said than done, but the more you focus on him, the more unhappy YOU will be.

I recently got divorced, but rather than focus on how it isn't fair, I am focusing on myself, my career, making sure my son and I have a strong bond and being more social. I am healing, because I am not worried about my ex fuck tard.

Yes, I am truly pissed. I gave my ex all sorts support- took care of him when he was sick, staying with him in the hospital, financially supported him, had his first son, loved him and yet when I found a job making 3.5 times more than what he made during the first part of our relationship, he leaves me to be a single mother so he can fuck his med girl. While I struggle, he is worried about himself and med girl's feelings. But, there comes a point where we just have to accept it and move on. Don't worry about Karma, WORRY ABOUT YOU. What are you doing to enrich your life?

And also, you can go NC even of you have kids. I am in NC with my ex husband. I only email him if I have to and there is a schedule set up for the visitation with our son. Cut out the unnecessary communication. Email always. When you have to be around him, don't speak unless it is only about your child. You don't need to ask him questions about his personal life. Believe it or not, but he is happy you haven't moved on and that you are still hurting. It gives him control. Take that control away by moving on and limiting all conversations with him down to the bare basics.

*hugs*


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Moving.

I had a period of inhouse separation, so that helped me detach as well.
Once he was out of the house, I forced myself to view him as "dead" unless we were dealing with things directly related to the kids.
He noticed and kept trying to hoover me back in, but keeping my distance helped a lot.

Focus on yourself and your son.
It takes time, but you'll get there.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6445 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VeryHurt,

I'm sorry you're in such pain.

There is much to deal with. But first, to answer your general question, yes, it does get better. You will start to feel better after the D is final. That has been my experience. I have progressively felt better over the course of the last year and a half, which is when my D was final.

It does get better ----------------------
For me, the divorce helped me accept that things were truly over. I have concentrated on my children and have increasingly been able to concentrate on work. I don't feel distraught or on the verge of tears any more. I still can't quite believe it all happened, but it did. I have taught myself to see my XWW not as who I thought she was! but who she has proven herself to be.

It will never be fair---------------------
I've given up on finding any fairness in it all. There really isn't any. All can say is that I would rather be me than her. She has to live with what she did. I get to hold my head high.

If they find someone else------------------
I couldn't care less. I feel sorry for whoever ends up with her.

Will we find someone else---------------
Sure. Why not? In my case, again I couldn't care less about finding someone. I have one goal, which is to be a good father.

Being thankful-----------------
You will move beyond despair to thankfulness. Thankfulness due to having a child, your integrity and the rest of your life in front of you to craft as you wish. ...and a whole lot more.

What did we really lose------------
Yes, I miss the love that I thought my XWW and I had, but you know what, it turns out it wasn't real. It was a mirage. If it had been real then she never would have cheated, but for sure, if for some extraordinary reason she had cheated she sure as hell would have been remorseful. So, in reality, I didn't really lose very much. I have a feeling you haven't lost much either,,when you really think about it.



Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As cliche as it sounds, you need to change the way you think. This isn't about him…it is about you.

Force yourself to think about other things when ex pops into your head. For the first 6 months, I lived at the library. I bought all kinds of fun "beach reads". Nothing serious. Nothing about cheating. It kept my brain occupied when I had down time, like after the kids were in bed at night. The times those "thoughts" would creep in.

I started volunteering and making new friends. I needed NEW things to think about.

Now my brain is fairly trained to switch my thoughts. If I'm thinking about someone that I shouldn't (like an exbf) and am tempted to look at his FB page or something…I just train my brain to think differently. I remind myself he hurt me, and that it will hurt to look at photos of him, there is no point thinking about the past, and then I think about something else. Like a fun book. Or, these days…school…

It takes time and practice. Try a small step at a time.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4146 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt the same way you did, and painful, angry feelings still creep in and catch me by surprise sometimes. It's less intense, and it passes more quickly. I repeat my mantra "Let it go" and remind myself that the feelings are real but they will not last.

The best thing I ever did in this whole ordeal was to have NC. The only time we communicate is through text or email and if it isn't about the kids I don't respond. He has stopped even trying. Once I truly went NC, the change was tremendous. I am much more content.

I have slacked a bit on getting myself out of my head and into the world, but that makes a huge diffference too. Keep busy.

And exercise. You have so many pro-active choices - focus on what you would like to do.

And if it helps, my ex was so into his girlfriend, but after a year and a half the shine wore off and he was cheating on her. Your ex is a cheater. It will happen again. Make it your goal to be, when you hear he cheated again, that you can say, "Meh."


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 464 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot: you can hate and love your husband because you are still very emotionally attached to him. You loved him and he betrayed you...it is natural to have these feelings, but try not to feed them by keeping him in your life. NC is hard, but it really is your answer.
You will move on and you will be okay.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 464 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This idea of fairness is something that is a fairy tale. Sometimes bad guys win. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. When I get to feeling sorry for myself, I look around and see people who are in much worse circumstances than I am through no fault of their own.

All you can control in this world is the person you see in the mirror. It's normal to feel pain and loss - it's the grieving process and you have to move through it and feel it all to get past it.

I started getting better when I tried to see some beauty every day. Just little things - the way the sun shines through the window, the smile of a child, the kindness of a stranger. Then you build on that. If you have the mindset that everything is bad, then bad is all you see. Try to see the good and the beauty around you.

I'm 8 1/2 years out from my D. It does get better, but it takes time and self reflection. It doesn't happen overnight or by magic. It wasn't a straight line, I would take 2 steps forward and 1 step back many times. But I kept trying to move forward.

Now I have a wonderful life, a wonderful relationship, and I've learned so much about myself through this journey. I've grown in ways I never imagined. You will get there.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7692 | Registered: Aug 2005
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes...it does get better

you really do have to give up on fairness. None of this is fair.

you can't focus your happiness based on his or anyone else's role in your life. it needs to be about you. shift your attention from him and his life to your own life ...w/o him.

it really does get better but you have to take the steps to make it better.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Averyhurtgirl, so sorry to hear about your pain. I am only 13 months out, but a few things I have done that have helped.

NC = no pain. So very true to me. Gratefully, we don't have children between us. Going through a divorce, so any financial dealings I send through my attorney. He mails me anything that comes to the house. (I put in a forwarding order, but my car registration is still in his name, he has the health insurance, so that stuff goes to him). I changed my phone numbers so he can't text me anymore and I blocked his email. I told him any contact goes through the attorneys. That really gave me the space to start to heal. No new triggers.

I wear a rubber band on my wrist and when my thoughts go to them, give myself a good snap. That literally snaps me out of it and I can change my thoughts to something else. Seems to help.

I am pursuing the things that interest me. Going to school to pursue my lifelong passion. Started going back to church and renewing my spiritual life -something I gave up because he didn't approve. Going to art museums, seeing chick flicks, taking walks on the beach, not washing the dishes or making the bed if I don't feel like it!! I eat red bell peppers, beets and garbanzo beans, all things he didn't like!! I am getting myself back.

I have my moments, I feel lonely at times, I experience anger and still shed some tears. But, it is getting better.

Mediation has been rescheduled for April and I am sure I will go through some emotions with that. I hope once the divorce is final, I will feel some closure and will be out of this limbo I've been in. I want joy, peace and healing!


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Averyhurtgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 37762
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone this helped. I guess the pain will be there but as time goes on I will not think about it because I will be so busy with other things in my life.

I agree that I have to stop focusing on him and take care of myself. From reading everyone's comments, I don't think I can expect for him to be remorseful, treat me we'll, or one day apologize. As unfortunate as it is, it sounds like most cheaters move on and sometimes fine their happiness.

My guy cousin just told me that he might just find happiness because some guys (or women) want a partner is who is their kind; the fun, hot, dirty, manipulative, aggressive spouse. Some people just are not satisfied with a spouse that is stable and to them "boring" that is a good parent, person, cooks, cleans, etc.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Oregan
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, focus on you and your own healing. Stop giving him space in your thoughts... He doesn't deserve it!

It was not easy for me to move forward and begin again, but once I stopped all contact with the Dooosh I was able to be more at peace. I started doing things I love to do, I have an incredibly fulfilling job, wonderful friends (my social calendar is always full) and love in my life.

Is this how I thought I would be living my life after 20 years with my husband?? Hell no! But I have discovered that life does go on, and there is life after divorce! There are many people out there in the same boat.

I am seriously more happy now than I had been in quite awhile with my ex. He was a soul sucker, very narcissistic, and only enjoyed doing "his" things. Now I have a wonderful person in my life who enjoys doing things I like to do because that makes me happy! So foreign-- but so awesome!

You will get there. Take time to figure out what you need and want going forward. Find what makes you smile again. Clearly, talking to your ex doesn't make you happy so stop that one first. :)


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3587 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
survivor6
Member
Member # 29916
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely agree with what the others have said. I have found when I get real low like that I need to reframe my thinking. Pretty much exactly in the way nomistakeaboutit said.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Oct 2010
Topic Posts: 13

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