Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It is you but I guess it is me too.
waiting2see
♀ Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a convo with my BFF about how the thought of really being "in" a relationship sort of makes me feel claustrophobic. It is like the thought of someone really loving me sort of freaks me out and scares me.

Now, I have been serially monogomous in long term relationships all of my life but in retrospect I realize the men were always emotionally unavailable in some way.

Since XWS I have only had some on again off again pseudo relationships or FWB knowing full well I was engaging with EUM and still getting my feelings hurt wanting more but knowing I would not get it from them and somehow feeling safe with that. If that makes sense.

So I said to BFF that I need to figure out why I continue to be attracted to men with whom I will never have a future (prior to XWS and with him I believed each LTR would last forever but in retrospect I see the men were not suitable for the long haul). The post D men don't even hold the illusion of longterm. In any case, they were all EU to some extent and for one reason or another. It is more extreme now because I can't even imagine myself being in a LTR though sometimes I secretly want it.

So BFF says to me, "you realize you are emotionally unavailable too, right?"

Actually, no, I didn't. But I guess that makes sense. But what is one to do about that and should I even bother? Maybe it is safer. Maybe it is just who I am? Have I always been?

BFF seems to think I have always been; but, now I am just more so because of the wringer XWS wrung me through.

Anyway. Just strange that it never crossed my mind and now that it has I have no idea what it means.

[This message edited by waiting2see at 6:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1932 | Registered: Feb 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what is one to do about that and should I even bother?

Simple. Do not fear sharing your feelings, heart and emotions. Communicate. Yes, you should bother.

-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 6:25 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been struggling with the same issues. Really, really struggling.

My wxh said that I was eu also. I'm really trying, but it's difficult.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
waiting2see
♀ Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what if I share my feelings and then tomorrow I don't feel the same way?

Or worse what if I share them and they don't matter and aren't reciprocated? REJECTION?

What if I share them and they are reciprocated and I don't change my mind but "you" do?

What if I could have all the benefits of a relationship without having to articulate anything and without having to chase anyone and without ever being vulnerable? Ha! No?

I don't know; but, I am tired of chasing EUM--terrified that I might actually catch him while also terrified that I might not.

I am almost 46 yo. And I don't even feel close to figuring this out.

It is a struggle, Williesmom. Sometimes so much so I just resort to my old ways bc I know them and, although I am ultimately unfulfilled, it is still comfortable.


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1932 | Registered: Feb 2007
Betrayeddaddio
♂ Member
Member # 30198
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now that it has I have no idea what it means.

One definition...

The term "emotionally unavailable" usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy. Relationships with emotionally unavailable people are often depressing and distressing, as their partners end up feeling neglected, unloved and unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people will actually seek out relationships with others, but the problems begin when they are unable to commit fully to their relationships. Because emotionally unavailable people often behave as if they want to be in a relationship, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs that a person is emotionally unavailable.


BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 709 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since XWS I have only had some on again off again pseudo relationships or FWB knowing full well I was engaging with EUM and still getting my feelings hurt wanting more but knowing I would not get it from them and somehow feeling safe with that. If that makes sense.
Yes, I did this for most of my dating years. I was EU and I also picked men that were, that way I wouldn't have to be "uncomfortable" and worry about getting too intimate with them. I wanted it but it scared me.

Or worse what if I share them and they don't matter and aren't reciprocated? REJECTION?
It took a lot of self-work to learn to love and accept myself. Once I could do that, I didn't worry about rejection any more. It doesn't matter if they reciprocate (okay, it is always nicer if they do, but if they don't, that is okay also.) What is most important is that I am being authentic, being myself, and sharing who I am. I don't share my emotions on the condition that I receive back exactly what I give. I share so that I can be truly authentic, and be totally myself with no facades and no pretenses. It is very freeing when you can get to that point.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:56 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post has been on my mind a lot today. In "friend" relationships, I am totally emotionally available. I am the friend that will be there for you, no matter what. I'll check on you after surgery, I'll hug you an tell you that I love you if times are tough, I will be there for you, no matter what.

Why can I not be there romantically? How is this a different?


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discussed this some with my IC…how did I miss that I was married to a gay man? He never emotionally connected with me, and I can see that now.

What I came to realize is that although I have amazing parents, they were never the lovey/dovey type of parents. Never told me they loved me…but SHOWED me they loved me. Present in my life, no abuse, supportive, had a nice house and took vacations. But there was little affection. No hugs or snuggles. Never told I was attractive, or sweet, or smart.

On the other hand, my Dad would do things like sit outside and help me photograph Halley's comet, then develop the photos in our darkroom in the basement.

It was just a combination of having non-demonstrative parents, then married a guy that swept me off my feet, therefore I didn't notice he didn't emotionally connect. We were too busy having fun.

The first relationship post D, was an emotionally unavailable man. I was repeating the pattern.

Although harder for me, I am trying to seek out more emotionally connected guys! It feels "intense" to me, but I know that when I feel uncomfortable, that is probably what I need to explore more. But, the same way too…a serious relationship feels a bit claustrophobic right now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg, this is me too. I am wonderfully vulnerable with my friends and scared to death to be vulnerable in relationships with men. I think this may be why I'm a one or two date and then done kind of person. I only let myself get "so" close and then I start holding back. I find myself doing it on first dates too...not sharing because I don't want someone to get to know me too well so that "when" it ends it isn't really "me" they've rejected.

I don't think I've always been this way. I think it is a direct result of infidelity for me. Or maybe from all the many dates I've had and all the many rejections I've felt since then. Another fucking fallout issue.

Guess this is the next thing I "get" to work on. woohoo

Reading material suggestions, anyone??


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can I not be there romantically? How is this a different?
I think there are several reasons for that. We don't expect as much out of a friend. If they mess up, we are more forgiving, because they are just our friends and we know they have their own lives too.

We expect more from a romantic partner. We expect our partner to be there for us always, to read our minds, to be emotionally connected, to never hurt us, etc....we don't give our romantic partners the same leeway for mistakes that we give our friends.

Also, if a friend rejects or betrays us, we understand that friend has a problem. It is them, not us. IF a partner rejects or betrays us, we take that more personal.

I find myself doing it on first dates too...not sharing because I don't want someone to get to know me too well so that "when" it ends it isn't really "me" they've rejected.
I used to feel that way. I spent the first 30 years of my life unavailable and hid my real self because I was scared to show the real me in case other people didn't like the real me. I spent the last 20 years working hard to be me, the real deal and realizing I am a pretty awesome person. I love my friends and am there for them, and I have a good heart. So I will make mistakes and not everyone is going to adore me, but so what? It isn't that there is something wrong with me, it is just that person doesn't value what I have to give. Too bad for them. I can be a very valuable friend to have and a pretty cool dating partner.

See, I know I have issues and I have problems to deal with. I definitely know I have imperfections. I've made some pretty huge mistakes....But....who doesn't? And what I am finding as I am more authentic and strive to be upfront and honest in my interactions with others is that for the most part, people accept me and some people have actually told me I am a role model to them because I am "real" and passionate about what I believe in and what I feel.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:40 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of wish I had this problem. I'm an oversharer. I'll tell pretty much anyone anything. Mostly it's becuase I am incapable of not being direct, up front, honest etc. Shading the truth, stopping at an early point without divulging more about what I *really* think is very hard for me. I find that if I get to the point that I'm doing that (and it's a conscious choice where I'm yelling at myself in my head to shut up) ... then that means I'm pushing someone away because they've hurt me. And boy do I feel like a liar when I have to reign myself in like that. It's very uncomfortable for me.

The flip side is that if you are that open with people, then you set yourself up to be critqued and criticized. So I find myself rejecting people (since we're talking about dating) early on for being too hard on me and too critical without reciprocating about themselves. I get that I set up the dynamic for this ... but I meet plenty of people who don't use my openness to bag on me so when I do, I eventually get pissed and walk away. I can see I need to find a way to manage that better because there has got to be a middle ground. Where you can share without getting shit on. I hope.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.