I went in to see a divorce attorney on Friday. I did a little prescreening online to try and find one who didn't appear too eager to take their clients all the way to trial...she openly recognized that after she's finished her work and leaves, the former spouses are still left behind to deal with the aftermath. At the onset of the consultation she urged that my wife and I go to see a counselor before going down this road. After hearing a bit more about what was going on, however, her opinion changed a bit. She took back what she had said earlier and suggested instead that I go in for individual counseling for help in figuring out whether this is a relationship I want to even bother trying to salvage. She'd hate to see me coming in at 40 and regretting not having left sooner. The fact that this was a very soft-spoken gentle woman telling me these things carried a bit of weight.
Things have gotten to the point where I'm shopping for a counselor to, amongst other things, convince me that it's worthwhile trying to work on myself while still in the marriage. I'm also planning on digging deep into a lot of the questions that were posed in the past few posts (why the difficulty in setting boundaries, why tolerate it, etc). Even if it's not to be used in this relationship, it will certainly still be applicable in the next.
As to why I'm not moving on immediately...it's easier to pay for counseling while maintaining a household on two incomes versus one. If anyone keeps the house, it will be my WW. I'm ~two hours from the office (one way) and would want to move closer. Unless I wanted to pull my DD from daycare and move her into a new home, she'd have to stay with my wife. My wife, being a bit busy these past two years, hasn't had the opportunity to develop the patience (or skills really) needed for dealing with a 3-year old version of herself.