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Newest Member: walker2014 (44332)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He's still trying
confused52204
♀ Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's still trying to get me back. We were perfect together! Here's the story we were together for 3 yrs. I've been divorced and have a 6 yo D. Back to my story we were together 3 yrs when we purchased a home together. I thought everything was great. We were moving forward. At least I thought! We were in our home for 1 week then bam I found stuff on his computer. He was on craigslist for 2 yrs. posting ads for men and women. It stopped 6 months prior to moving in together. Many lies later and now I think I have full story. He did poly and passed showing no phyical contact. Fast forward it's been 1 yr since DDay. He moved out a month ago, my choice. We still talk. I miss him so much! He wants us back! How can this be fixed to start a new beginning?

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, if you break your post up into paragraphs, I think you'll see some of the problems and contradictions.

Your story doesn't flow well.

You have a DD6
At some point you were with him.
Then he spent 2 years trolling Craigslist.
Then (supposedly) he stopped.
Then you moved in together.
Then you bought a house.

You kicked him out.
There was a poly, and he passed.

I'm not sure, but I don't think you really were perfect together.

I understand you miss him. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I understand it is what it is.

"How can this be fixed to start a new beginning?"

Counseling? Honesty? Openness?

Ask yourself "Who am I?"
"Do I define myself by my relationship with him?"
"What am I afraid of?"

If it's fear that drives you and keeps you in the relationship, then I don't believe that is healthy for you.

Your new beginning may not involve him.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5121 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
confused52204
♀ Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a tough time either way.... Letting go or moving on!! How do u know u made the right decision??

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing my sister brought up with me, was to think about if the relationship looks "objectively good". To someone who hears about this relationship, are they going to tell you that it sounds great? Encourage you to get back together? Think about that.

You didn't say why you kicked him out a year after d-day. That colors things quite a bit.

But yeah, it doesn't sound perfect. Perfect doesn't involves craigslist, lies, polys, and moving out.

I get that you miss him. We can miss and long for people who aren't ultimately good for us because they can serve needs and be fun, etc.

Have you thought about going no contact for awhile? I think being in contact can lead to more confusion.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
confused52204
♀ Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could this b a giant mix up? I talked to him last night . He us devastated. He's been going to IC. He's still going w he chose men bc it wasn't cheating. He's states he not bi or gay. He wants nothing more that to prove to me forever that he loves only me ... What do U do?

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's still going w he chose men bc it wasn't cheating.
Sweetie? BULLSHIT. Complete and utter bullshit. How is it not cheating? The gender doesn't matter! It's cheating whether it's with a man or a woman.

It really doesn't matter whether he's straight, bi, gay, or whatever other label you can throw at it. The fact is that he cheated. Period.

He wants nothing more that to prove to me forever that he loves only me ... What do U do?
You do nothing. He needs to do his work. He needs to become a healthy safe person. He has to do that on his own. He can't even BEGIN to prove anything to you until he does all that. But honey? That's HIS journey. Not yours.

Live your life for you and your child.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24460 | Registered: Aug 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please go into the I can relate thread and read all about sex addicts going on craigs list and computers filled with porn. The book deceived sounds exactly like yours.

He needs some serious individual work before anything can be done.

You are in denial of what he really did. Get the book. I am in the divorce process because my sawh is still in denial about the porn,etc.

Get the book, talks all about us being in ouriwn denial.

They are master manipulators and will target your weakest points to contniue in their behavior and keep up appearances.



Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey,

He is not an honest person. He did this for TWO YEARS! Even if it was ok to just do it once or for a short time (which is isn't) .... He did it for a really LONG time. This means for all this time he was ACTIVELY DECEIVING YOU and obviously very good at it.

Plus..... he posted ads for women too. In his twisted way of thinking - isn't that cheating? No matter what, he is still not accepting full responsibility for what he did and TRULY owning up to it. Maybe he's lying to himself about his true orientation - who knows but you don't need this in your life!!!! He sounds very manipulative and needy.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that it is very confusing. In your head he is only who you know. I was in denial about my ex, and in some ways maybe I still am. My ex did TRY, but it didn't last very long because he wasn't facing who he IS.

Regardless of who he cheated with, he stepped outside of his marriage. That is the core issue, and hasn't he done it several times?

You can sprinkle gold dust on a pile of poo, it is still poo. Covering it with something pretty never works.

You want us to tell you to give him another chance? We aren't going to tell you to do that. We can all see the writing on the wall, you just need to turn around and read it for yourself.

He isn't straight, that is for certain. He is is deep denial.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4051 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss him so much!

You're missing him because, after one month, you haven't fully DETACHED from him.

It's possible to miss someone who is not good for you.

It's possible to be married to someone who is not in love with you.

confused52204, How, exactly, is he good for you?

He's still going w he chose men bc it wasn't cheating. He's states he not bi or gay.
How is that him taking full responsibility for bad choices and bad behavior?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
confused52204
♀ Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love is unconditional I feel like I'm being to hard on him. He stopped doing that behavior before we moved into home together. He did pass the poly too. I'm just being a bitch who can't get over it!

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love is unconditional, but you also have a right to NOT be used or cheated on. Isn't up to you to "forgive him", it is up to him to work on himself and prove to you (and him) that he is healing. That is a very long road.

Again, you want us to tell you to go back to him, and we aren't going to do that with the information you've given. You are in as much denial as he is.

When I have my ex the opportunity to R, I put very strict guidelines into place. It didn't take long (a few months) for him to slide back into poor behavior. THEN my anger really hit as the holidays approached and he reacted by retreating. By the time I felt safe enough to really let all of the anger surface (it has to or you are stuffing it in for the rest of your life) he decided he had enough and I needed to "just get over it" and a 3-5 year healing timeline was "ridiculous". He coped by returning to the previous behavior.

When I found out, I left and refused to look back.

You just have to come to the point that you have had enough. Try posting in Reconciliation, they might say what you want to hear.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4051 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were together 3 years. For 2 of those years, he cheated and actively sought to cheat. Not just with men. Not just with women. With both. You purchased a house together and once you were living together you found all this out. But he had quit the CL posts (you know, that just because that was all you found, there was likely other avenues he was using as well don't you) 6 months prior to you finding out. SO, in 3 years, he was faithful the first 6 months and the last 6 months.

He may not be bi- or gay but he's at least bi-curious. No straight men I know are bi- curious. Either you are bi- or gay or you're not. You can't play the straight card and still want to be with a person of the opposite sex.

Those are the facts. Love is NOT unconditional. Abuse, cheating, and more factor in. Unless one of you is a pet, generally a canine, love is NOT unconditional.

I'm sorry but from the outside looking in on this, run, run like hell to get away from him. Cut the cord. Stop talking to him. Take time to heal. If he's serious he'll continue with therapy. He needs to get his shit fixed long before you should even entertain getting back with him.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Target  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some practical advice:

Get STD testing IMMEDIATELY, and do the follow up testing.

No unprotected sex with this man. If it were me, I wouldn't have sex with him at all. It's not safe.

If you don't care about your own health, think about your DD. If you died from AIDS, would you want your ex taking care of her? with all his hook ups and sex with strangers??


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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