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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just tired...
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Four years ago this time of year my husband started his affair. His affair went from the holidays to July 27, 2010. He was immediately in love and they were engaged by April I believe. Of course, he never can remember stuff. But he told me May 3 that he wanted a divorce and I know he never would have said it if he and she had not already planned to be together. And their plans were amazingly elaborate. They were both going to divorce their spouses but wait three years until our son and her son graduated (both boys same age) and then he was going to move to her state and town. They both joined match.com and eharmony.com so that they would be seen dating others and no one would know that they were each others dirty secret. Then, just as our nest became empty, he was going to move away.

Just two days after we told the kids he was moving out, OW dumped him. He swears he was going to break up with her but the fact is, she ended it. So we are together. Yay me. Second choice. Had that not happened he likely be living in Tennessee and married to her right now.

During those seven months and since then, he has destroyed everything meaningful to me with respect to our marriage. He traveled 350 miles to have sex with her the first time on Valentines day. He told the kids we were separating (because we hadnt been happy in a long time) on our 18th wedding anniversary (imagine that, on our 18th wedding anniversary, he was saying, I love you to her). He started the affair during the winter holidays. He first told me he wanted a divorce the night before his birthday. The affair was over by my birthday that year but he was still in the fog and justifying his affair and blaming me for his cheating.

He shared everything with her. Talked to her 1-2 hours a day. Hes never talked to me like that. Ever. Hes very insistent that he was unhappy and checked out of our marriage before the affair began. He said he thought after the first year or so that we wouldnt make it, so hes trashed not just the affair period but our entire marriage. He swears hes not re-writing our marital history but that it really was that bad. He said he hoped I was cheating too so that leaving me would be easier. Too bad for him, I was faithful and still loved him.

The pain is incredible. It wasnt this bad the last couple of years but it is again. He sometimes tries to say the right thing but mostly just plods along without any expression of empathy. How can he sit across from me and not mention that four years ago he was busy sneaking to the basement or work to facebook chat with his new love? Am I the only one walking around the huge darned elephant in the room?

Honestly, I dont think he feels empathy. I think he feels guilt and shame but not empathy. Hes cried over things Ive done to hurt him over the years of our marriage but not one time has he ever cried over my pain. Not once. When it comes to me, its very clinical, if Im lucky. If not, hes defensive.

Im so tired of hurting. He is so hard to live with and Im so tired of this. I admire those who are able to rebuild their marriage and regain the trust and feel like a team again, but he's trashed it all and I'm just not that big of a person. I feel so alone in the world.

[This message edited by sudra at 7:51 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness after all this time sudra.

Why are you continuing to live like this if he isn't able to give you what you need? I


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love him. I don't want the kids to have to split their time between two houses. Don't want to be alone.

He's done lots right. I'm just not sure anything will be enough for me after cheating.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2010
tornandtormented
♀ New Member
Member # 26660
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is I read your post & I can completely relate to how you are feeling, I just had a slap in the face -4 years later (almost to the day) from my ws having a casual run-in with the ow. I have 2 children & do not want to raise them split either- on the other hand - it was made clear to me that I am not getting the love/respect I am giving..
I was asked point blank, would I want my daughter to put up with a man like that?
I quickly answered- "of course not".
Being alone is frightening- but if you think about we ARE alone - jsut waiting for the other shoe to drop& constantly trying to make things better with little or no effort on their end - it isnt a great way to live. I can only do what is right for me - only you know what is best for you- but ask yourself would you want your child in a realtionship; like the one you are in? or do you want better for them?
If you want better for them - you should want better for yourself too... you didnt do this damage to the marriage - he did. If he isnt making any effort to repair it..why stay?


me: BW (35)
him:WH (35)

married 13 years
D-Day: dec 2009


Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2009
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like it's harder when you're older.

If I was in my 20s or 30 or even 40s, I might be braver. But lots of it is for the kids, even though they are both adults. I want them to come HOME holidays to be with us, not separate places. And when I have grandkids someday, I want them to come to Gramdma and Grandpa's house, not different places.

And there's no guarantee I'll find someone that won't cheat as well, or that I'll even find anyone else. And there's no guarantee that I'll ever be able to trust ANYONE ever again. And I don't want to be alone.

So why give up what I do have for something I may not get?

And like I said, he's done a lot. It's not perfect but so much better than many other WSs I read about. And he tries pretty hard for him. He's just not a people person. And I'm a people.

Some of this is just me. I don't want to be married to a man who cheated on me.

[This message edited by sudra at 8:26 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 5

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