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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't believe him
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he never thought of the consequences. Never thought of losing what he had. Felt like could have affair and wife family and keep separate. Was at selfish stage thinking he could have it all

He's very remorseful. Even more so bc he realizes my friend used, lied and manipulated him. He cries often ashamed of himself. Said was Difft person for those two years

I hated him then. He was cold, distant and just cocky. Not the kind, compassionate man I knew for 21 years.
He was always a great dad, but could he really be seen as that now since he lied to his kids' face and walked out the door to meet his lover in a cheap hourly rate motel 20 plus times in two years? Days when my youngest would watch him leave and just wait for daddy to come back to
Play football

How does a good man do this? And return back to his family wo guilt. How does a respectable, living husband screw a pig and text her five times a day , neglecting his wife and her emotional needs. Buying her gifts but ignoring our anniversary.

Remorse now bc u may lose ur house, health ins and ability to see kids daily is NOT enough. If he wasn't remorseful during those two years of the A, why should I accept his remorse now.

Yes, 3 weeks after discovery. IC for me. IC for him And MC begins next week

I don't think there is much hope to ever have respect for this man. Two years and level of lies is too much.

[This message edited by Hatemyhusband at 6:15 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 323 | Registered: Dec 2013
Flourgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to believe him. You are finally able to make choices for yourself. He left you out of all the stupid choices he made. My H lied to our kids too. He was only remorseful after he was arrested. It's up to you now. I wanted to R because even though my head hated him my heart loved him. Ugh so frustrating! I had to do everything I could and know I tried my hardest for my self and my 4 kids. If you have had enough than only you can decide. This is a hard thing for anyone. Just know you are not alone. Hugs


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are under zero obligation to believe him right now.

In all honesty, the not thinking of consequences defense is very common, and often true. Master compartmentalizers can almost trick themselves out of having to think of how their actions would affect others.

I'm so glad that all that counseling is on the table. It will help so much in regards to sorting through all this mess. LTA's put the BS in a special level of hell when trying to wrap their brain around things, but I have absolutely seen remorseful FWS's pull their head out for good.

Remember to breathe and take care of yourself. You don't have to make any decisions right now. you GET to be all kinds of angry. Hopefully his IC and your MC will teach him that he has a long row to hoe and must show compassion and communication every step of the way.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 5:07 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truth is when your husband like me had his head up his own ass its easy to make those kind of choices. I'm sorry he was almost as big an asshole as I was. I did some of the same things and for a much longer period of time. No excuses. Just plain selfishness. No respect or regaurd for my wife. And as much as I thought I was a good dad. Risking their home and happiness for a stupid affair is not being a good dad.

We are almost 2 years out. And we have our ups and downs. We struggle. We fight. But we still try. I don't know if my wife will ever forgive or ever have respect for me. But we keep trying.


Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey HMH...I'm so sorry for your pain. Trust me, I understand it intimately. Jrazz is right, there is a special kind of hell involved with an LTA. There is no A season...every day of the year is A season. You question every minute of your life during that time...and it's an awful lot of time to cover. I find it hard to look at pictures and think of memories that are now tainted. BUT...there are wh's who do the work, who can make real changes. I still struggle daily. I still have some really low points when I feel so angry...and I'm almost two years out.

I have seen progress too though. I have moments of hope along with that anger. This is such a long journey, but you don't have to decide yet. You don't have to believe him yet. All you have to do is take care of you and your kids and make it through the next day right now.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's worse bc it was my friend who I saw fishing. I warned him two years prior that she seemed to b having a Mid life crisis and was trying to pick up men at bars. Even talking abt other peoples' husbands. I confronted her that she seemed to be jeopardizing her rep and I was worried abt her kids be neg affected

She baited him. She knew I was complaining how stressed I was w needs of learning challenged son, no family to help and my annoyance w him at times. She used that exact time two years ago to friend him during our kids sporting events. Texting , sharing stories, bonding then boom. Off to seedy one hr motel every few weeks. He texted all day and cared for her. She got the attention I should have been getting.

He's very sad. I catch him crying often (not a crier). He talks a lot. We talk a lot. He comforts me when I sob. We still make love. I even comfort him bc he feels like he was so evil for those two yrs and became what he never ever wanted to be. He saw two friends marriages get wrecked when wives cheated. He just said he never tht that would happen to him

Do I love him? I love him w all my heart just as I did when I was 19. For those two years I hated him bc I knew. I hated the man he became. The look on his face. The short responses. But I gathered my evidence and made sure I could care for my kids financially if I end up without him

I just don't know how to forgive such betrayal. His motel buddy is carrying on her life hosting parties, playing the great wife and mom and my kids are wondering what their future holds. I have to believe God will take care of it and pray she doesn't wreck another family like she has mine

Trying to focus on me and the good I see in people and kindness I can share in the world. I can't and won't let the disgusting behavior of two people (one being the man I love) break me. I worked too hard to raise my children to be where they are now. That's my priority.

[This message edited by Hatemyhusband at 6:17 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 323 | Registered: Dec 2013
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When was your dday? I'm not sure how far along you are, but I'm still trying to work on accepting that this happened, that this is my life. I like to think that I'm capable of forgiveness one day...maybe, but acceptance has to come first. I still don't think I've even gotten there yet.

The double betrayal makes it even harder to accept I'm sure. I don't really have that aspect, but I did know the ow. And she knew my kids. It is truly a brutal pain. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and hopefully your wh is too. Hang in there. (Hatemyhusband)


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 weeks ago

Posts: 323 | Registered: Dec 2013
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...that is recent. You really are doing well...even though you don't feel like it. There is an LTA thread in the I can relate forum...you can check that out too.

And FWIW, they really don't think of the consequences. Mine didn't either. :( not really helpful I know...but they just don't. I don't know how grown men can go through life not thinking of consequences, but they didn't.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach8-
What makes u think I am doing well? Just wondering. What's "well"?

Posts: 323 | Registered: Dec 2013
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, actually it was saying you were trying to focus on the positive in life. I think that is a wonderful attitude to have. At 3 weeks out I was a walking zombie. I admire the strength you must have to make sure you had already made sure you and your kids would be ok no matter what. That is what I meant. But I certainly apologize if it offended you.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's "well"?

Honestly, at three weeks out, "well" is being able to function at all.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Nov 2010
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HMH - what's well? You - you are able to put two words together in a sentence and express yourself. Me at 3 weeks, I was just a basket case. I couldn't drive, couldn't eat, wouldn't see anyone. I had a hard time breathing, didn't sleep - the pain in my chest was excruciating. The only time I got some respite from it was when I took a sleeping pill and it put me down for about 2 hours. That went on for over 2 months. I think you are doing extremely well considering it's only been 3 weeks. Give yourself a break. Lots of SIers will tell you that they didn't cope nearly as well as you seem to be doing. We know you're in pain. We know you're hurting. We know EXACTLY what you are going through. You are showing signs of strength that I so wish I had even now. TIME is what you need. Funny how it flies by except for when you are in such pain. Each minute now seems like a year. But, keep a journal and write everything down and you'll be surprised how differently you will be feeling in a few months. You won't be suffering as much. It's like losing a loved one. At the beginning it is so devastating, but as time goes on the pain does begin to lessen. No matter whether you R or D, you will go through a lot of pain and heartache. Time will help you, I promise. How do I know - I've been where you are right now. And I never would have believed anyone if they had told me this either.

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmh,
Try to have an open mind . . .. I know it is hard. You have been hurt terribly, but things do get better. Try holding on and learning more, if only for your children's sakes. You are strong enough, and can have a better life, no matter what you eventually decide.

PS the consequences are all theoretical during an affair.. . Your H isn't lying. You'll learn a lot of stuff, some of which will make you feel better, and some worse. Hang in there.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:18 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2004 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Cool  Posted: 9:40 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does a good man do this you ask? Good people do terrible things all the time. They lose their way. They don't cope. They don't know how to cope. In a healthy way. They think they are coping in an A but they have fooled themselves. He was not able to feel remorse while in the A bc as someone else pointed out, he was compartmentalizing. My H was a star at this. Straight A's for him!

Remorse is what my H showed after he got caught. And I am so thankful that I do know bc we have a chance at a marriage that is more open and honest then its ever been in the 20 years we have been together.

When in doubt, turn the voulme down. If his behavior matches his words when the sound is off, that is remorse. And its consistent. It doesn't end in 3,4,6 months.

3 weeks out for me was new years eve. It was quite an awful time. My head was spinning but I kept going and you will too.

The only thing for your H to pay attn to is his feelings of shame. Shame is really another selfish emotion. It also kills the spirit. I did not want my H to wallow in shame and told him so.

Keep going. R is not linear (my tagline). Time will tell if he is truly remorseful and willing to do what it takes to repair the mess he created.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, friends. Made me feel a bit better, if only for a minute. Every minute matters

Posts: 323 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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