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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Retrouvaille, for us?
2B1again
♂ New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My main fear is what Flourgirl posted - "Emotions too raw". I'm not afraid to cry (God knows that I have wept rivers)and the overwhelming realization of what I have done is a necessary and continuous emotion. I want to and am willing to do anything to save our marriage - which as my wife correctly points out, this is a hypocritical and ironic thing to say after what I have done.
My wife is nowhere near "Progress and Healing and Real Acceptance" which as we all know will hopefully arrive after year 2. And this is the concern. There seems to be a common thread that one must obtain some level of acceptance for progress toward healing and in-turn a better relationship. This underlying theme would somewhat distract my wife's goals of better communication. I agree that we have nothing to lose and with that being said, ideally a mindset more firmly rooted in R would be more conducive to learning (?).
Dixie, is acceptance part of the curriculum? If so, is it prevalent? This will certainly help my wife prepare. We both certainly understand that attending Retrouvaille would not be a catalyst for creating additional stress to push the marriage to the end, but it could create more stress for my wife if she feels any responsibility to find acceptance sooner than she is ready.
blakesteel- my journey to repentance was relatively short after I finally ended my affair (after nearly 4 years of false R). I definitely engaged in minimization and TT, but it is all out there now even though she feels there is more info she doesn't have (she is a detail person). This is probably true considering the length of time I engaged in my affair. I know there are no major omissions but for example just last week there was a realization for her that my affair included more intimacy than she had thought. This is where I hope Retrouvaille will help us; I am having tremendous difficulty with good communication - just talking - just saying something continues to elude me.
In summary we suspect (know) that the sessions will be terribly painful and we are just not sure that we are yet at a place that will allow us the full benefits of what the program has to offer.
Thank you so much.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
focusupward
♂ New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The WW and I are attending this weekend. We are 8 months out from Dday #2. Has come heavily recommended so we are both hopeful.


ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Retrouvaille is a ways out for us, but it sounds so promising. Those of you who are going, please come back and post about how it went!


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie, is acceptance part of the curriculum? If so, is it prevalent? This will certainly help my wife prepare. We both certainly understand that attending Retrouvaille would not be a catalyst for creating additional stress to push the marriage to the end, but it could create more stress for my wife if she feels any responsibility to find acceptance sooner than she is ready.

I will agree, I could see that. We went to Retrouvaille only 3 months after dday, perhaps too soon but it's a case for me of take what you need.

ETA: I had a panic attack the first night and almost left. So it is not easy, but I wanted to try even though it was hard. I'm glad we saw it through.

It has good solid processes for communication and expressing feelings. Things that can help move R forward in my opinion.

I do not subscribe to the idea of forgiveness as in biblical terms. It is a process (slow one) for me and I get through it at my own pace in my own way. There was a time I couldn't even read about forgiveness without getting angry and building rage. I was not ready and no one was going to force me. That is not the case now. It doesn't evoke the same reaction, so I know progress is happening. Acceptance is the same way. I'm in Year 3 and I'm closer to it. I can see my progress now but I'm not prepared to say I've reached it. And my husband has never asked for forgiveness, nor expected it.

Information is presented. The work you do is your own. Attend the followup sessions if you can. They are very good.

I hope that makes sense.

Kap, sorry I can't remember but I know we felt we got more from it and the follow up sessions then we were getting in very expensive MC.

[This message edited by DixieD at 3:43 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Sep 2011
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went 4 months after dday. Retrouvaille was part of our "entering R phase" which included a signed postnup, WH changing teams, complete honesty and transparency, MC and IC, etc.

I was willing to do ANYTHING to get out of the black pit of hell. I am still struggling with acceptance, so I know it is not required before Retrovaille. Also, I remember getting the book when we arrived that on one page had positive emotions and on the other was negative emotions. Before it started, I went down every single negative emotion and said to myself "Yep, feeling that one". I remember ignoring the positive emotion side because it was too hard to relate. He still felt like my enemy. There were a couples that were not making eye contact with each other on Friday night. I am sure many of the couples are in the same situation, so it didn't seem out of place if you were hating your WS.

It is a weekend that you can devote to each other without interruptions. You learn how to communicate better and see each other in a different light by hearing other's stories. On Sunday I had a lightness about me, I called it a high. I FELT GOOD, ALIVE, AND I WAS ME AGAIN! It was a window that showed me that I would survive, we would survive. It also gave me a break. Someone else worried about feeding us or planned the day. I just had to be open enough to go along for the ride. With that being said, your days are packed!

We are still not out of the woods. The rage stage hit at 5 months and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. But I can remember back to that high feeling I had on that Sunday and tell myself, "I was there once, I will get there again. I am capable of surviving this."

We are "Retrouvaille-pushers", we believe in their program and have recommended it to a few IRL couples. We are also on a volunteer list to help with the program in our city. Also, we aren't Christian. I only say that as I see other couples veering away from it because they think it is only for the Catholic population. We are seriously considering doing it AGAIN this year.

So yes, it may have been early, but I needed something/anything. You want to go into it as a step forward, therefore, I would not recommend it if TTing is still happening or if there is still contact with AP.

eta: Even though were in MC and IC, we made more progress in one weekend than months of counseling. If BS has questions, feel free to PM me.

Also, I wanted to say that I also went to Retrouvaille thinking it would be helpful to us whether we R or D. Due to kids, we needed to learn our to communicate again. I think that took the pressure off of me. I didn't want WH thinking that if we did this program all would be well.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:13 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just go. I guarantee that there will be couples in there who have filed divorce papers. Who will be using boxes of Kleenex (that they thoughtfully provide under the chairs). Who will be so angry at each other that they will try to book separate rooms and not sit near each other. Who will be in just as bad of a mental shape as you are in.

That's expected. That's why you go to something like this program. If you were healed, you wouldn't need to go. One of our couple presenters went thru the program weekend while the WH was still in contact with his OW. He went NC afterwards. Two of our presenter couples went thru the program twice, completely. They realized that they had held back and wanted to get the full benefit.

As to cost, they ask for a very nominal fee up front and if you are really cash-strapped, talk to them about it. We donated more, much more than that afterwards (they are a charity so those further donations can be written off, just saying...) because we wanted to help fund a couple in need. And we're going to be participating this year as behind the scenes helpers for at least one, possibly two of the weekends. We're hosting a group session in our house in two weeks.

It's sorta like getting pregnant. If you want until all of the stars line up and finances are just right and you have the correct number of rooms in your house, then you may never actually get around to having children. Just jump in and go.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j. DixieD....very kind and courageous of you and Mr DixieD to help out!!! Cool!
end t/j.

Thanks for the kind words Blake. Hopefully we can support the couples who attend and like Skan said, it also gives us a chance to look at things again more closely than we did the first time.

Kudos to you too Skan and Mr.Skan for helping out in your community.

[This message edited by DixieD at 8:52 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Sep 2011
2B1again
♂ New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. We have registered! I'm sure we will find this experience difficult, challenging and a very positive life-long investment of personal growth.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great Good luck and best wishes to you both!


Growing forward

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Sep 2011
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We attended in October 2013...4 months after DDay. I highly recommend giving it a try. It was emotionally draining for both of us, but what we learned made it worth every tear. Our communication is better and it definetly helped my husband better express his thoughts and emotions.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We attended in October 2013...4 months after DDay. I highly recommend giving it a try. It was emotionally draining for both of us, but what we learned made it worth every tear. Our communication is better and it definetly helped my husband better express his thoughts and emotions.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
2B1again
♂ New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I attended Retrouvaille last weekend. It was certainly a highly emotional experience and one that we both feel was beneficial. We will now also recommend Retrouvaille to anyone that is serious about good heartfelt communication and want to commit to try to restore their marriage. We are using the tools we learned and are committed to attending the follow-up sessions which we are told are very important get the full benefit of the program.
Thank you all, for encouraging us to go, our future is still uncertain but we both have a little more hope.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear this 2B.

As we got to go through the Weekend again recently, this time as helpers, it was encouraging to see the transformation of the couples from Friday to Sunday. I was wondering how your wife and you were doing too.


Growing forward

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Sep 2011
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're considering signing up, how important are the follow up sessions? I can't find one less than 5-8 hrs away so it feels unrealistic to do more than the weekend part. But we do really want to go....


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
SoVeryTired5
♀ New Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morhurt- my WH and I went to our weekend in early December. Couple from different states away attended the weekend in our area. Those couples haven't continued their post sessions in our area. They have found follow up sessions in their own areas. Their follow up sessions may not have started right after our weekend, but the helpers in Retrouvaille will help you find post sessions closer to your home if at all possible.


Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 45 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
shatteredapart
♀ Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this would be a great thing for my WH and I to do. Unfortunately the only one scheduled for our area is Valentine's weekend. I think I'd rather wait a month or 2 as last Day was at Christmas time and we were in false R.. I'm hoping they'll add a few more in the coming months. I've always been the communicator but have struggled with being heard as I don't always go about it right. WH definitely needs this too as he doesn't do well with being open about what's going on inside his head and heart. I know it would help us grow as a couple and individuals.


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
CantBeUndone
♀ Member
Member # 42205
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the people who have been to Retrouvaille what approx. amount did you donate if any? Please you don't have to give an exact amount but a range would be good.

I'm wondering this too. The registration fee for the one close to me is $200 which is fine, but the requested donation is another $600. I don't think we can swing $800 for the weekend but it also says never let finances keep you from coming.


Me: WW
Him: BH
30's, 4 kids
DD- Jan 2014

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the people who have been to Retrouvaille what approx. amount did you donate if any? Please you don't have to give an exact amount but a range would be good.
Please don't let this hold you back. Honestly, donate only what you can afford. If it is $50.00 that you can afford, donate that. If you can afford $1200.00 donate that.

There are people who can not financially afford Retrouvaille. There are people who can well afford Retrouvaille and are generous and pay for others. (You won't know how much anyone donates and if someone is paying extra.) Retrouvaille wants everyone to go who needs it because it is worth it to them to save marriages. That is their mission.

They said at our weekend that on the previous Retrouvaille weekend someone donated $3000.00. Really, only donate what you can afford and don't feel guilty about it. Some day, if you like, if you happen to have some extra money, donate it to Retrouvaille.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am checking in on the folks that were supposed to go the past few weekends. . . is that you Blakesteele? Focusupward? What did you think?

We go Valentines Day weekend. Nervous!!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2B1again - I'm glad you had a good experience and it looks like you joined the Retrouvaile-pusher club!

Do NOT worry about the donation piece. You give what you can, their first priority is to help you, not to collect money from you. They know what is more important.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2013
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