Our MC was kind of noncommittal about it, and I am wondering if it is good for folks who aren't on the verge of divorce. We are solidly in R, and working hard, 6 months out from DDay. We have stuff to learn, for sure -- I was wondering what those of you who have done it, or know more about it, think the benefits are?
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
It isn't just for people on the verge of divorce but for people who's marriage has suffered a crisis. I can't recommend this program enough.
We went at almost 2 years past d-day. It was perfect timing for us, we probably could have gone a few months sooner, but it was fine when we went.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
We went to a Weekend to Remember weekend about 6 months out....got some out of it, but might have been a bit to early....
Retrovaille is mandatory for some family courts before a D is granted.....must have some merit?
I have been advised to take a vacation day the Monday after....to rest.
God be with us all.
Oh, thanks for the endorsement, SM. That clinches it. And blakesteele, glad we'll have a "friend" doing it as well.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:51 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]
At the follow up weekends is when we made friends with fellow Retrouvaillers.
Your son is funny and observant.
We did it at 4 months, which may have been early, but the feeling I had on the Sunday was overwhelming. I was a feeling of lightness and reconnection. Now, don't get me wrong I still have my moments, but I refer to that Retrouvaille feeling and I know happiness is there, I just have to keep working at it.
I think you have nothing to lose and the potential to gain something valuable, so go for it!
[This message edited by ILINIA at 3:02 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]
There is not much interaction with other couples. The presenters share their own stories and give you topics to think about and talk about with your spouse. It's all what you make of it for yourselves. We really enjoyed it and felt so much more bonded after the experience. Mr. ShowNoEmotion actually broke down in front of the group at the final optional sharing moment - saying the weekend helped him remember all the reasons he loved me (and he was a real foggy waffler for a while after Dday).
And a GREAT suggestion to take Monday off. Our weekend was a couple hours drive away and we were emotionally exhausted after the intensity of the weekend. They don't give much "down time"! I REALLY wish we had spent a day at home together after it was over. Would have been wonderful.
(Hilariously, to keep costs down --ours was held at an Abbey, not a hotel, and we were given 2 rooms with tiny single beds. We felt like delinquents, sneaking out of our rooms at night to be together and cuddling in the most uncomfortable tiny bed. However, we'll never forget it!)
Because during our post-sessions, I found out that he had lied to me and was keeping Porn in the house. I left him and moved into a hotel for three days. We went to a post-session the day after I moved back home. It was agony. But throughout, we kept doing our exercises. When we would talk to each other, we used a lot of the tools that Retrouvaille gave us. And that helped a lot. When we finished the post-sessions, I still was not sure that we were going to R. But it helped us to draw back closer to each other.
And when I listened to my gut and caught him with his private browsing sessions, I saw a lawyer and we were doing an in-house separation. We dropped all of our exercises at that point, but were using the methods of communication when we talked to each other about necessary things. When he bounced, hard, off of the bottom, realizing that I was in earnest about leaving him, the tools allowed us to keep talking to each other. 'Twas Grace that led us back to each other, but Retrouvaille was a large part of that grace by giving us tools to seek understanding.
So no matter how solid you are, I think that this program can give you tools that you may need in the future. And there is a continuing community of support which we are plugged into. And whoever suggested taking the following Monday off is BANG-on! I was exhausted on that Monday. It's intense, it's eye-opening, and I highly recommend it.
So, I'll be saying a little prayer for you and blakesteele in February.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It focuses on communication skills, not on problems, so the A will not come up much (which is why it is hard to go if you are really close to Dday and still talking about "it" constantly).
Be prepared to work hard, this is not a leisurely weekend. And there are boxes of tissues all over the place if that tells you anything. But I honestly think you will be SO glad you went. And I think the first Valentine's Day is a perfect time.
Both WH and I felt like we got more out of that weekend than we have out of any of the counseling we've done. I would strongly recommend going if you are able! Also plan to attend the post sessions - we've been getting a lot out of those too, and it helps us to stay on track with trying to practice the new tools we learned. I agree with the previous posters who recommended taking the Monday following your weekend off from work. We did, and we needed it! The weekend was great, but we definitely left there completely exhausted.
Even tho you're in a group setting, all your exercises are done in private and you're never asked to share anything unless you volunteer to. Don't be turned off the the religious tone, it's very mild and you're not obligated to attend morning Mass, but it's there if you choose to participate.
If you can, take the following Monday off, you both will be completely, emotionally exhausted and will need time to re-charge.
The whole point to the program is to give you the tools to communicate openly and honestly and really hear the other person. You'll carry the communication tools with you from here on out.
Everything is very private, you are never asked to share anything, unless you volunteer to do so. I highly recommend you take your favorite pen or pencil...you'll be writting alot. Once a day or so the priest who was doing some of the presentations asked a sort of, "Anybody like to share about how it's going" type of question. People gave fairly general comments, but there were a few who got emotional. It was completely voluntary though.
You are never asked to read what you’ve written to the group. If you or your FWS is a private person, he doesn't need to worry a bit. At the end of the weekend, you'll be given an envelope, and you offer what you can afford. Our weekend cost approximately $250.00 per person, this includes all your workshop materials, 3 meals a day and lodging. You are not required to donate anything, they only ask you give as much as you are comfortable with…it’s completely anonymous. If you can’t afford to donate anything, no one will know the difference.
MH and I were blessed with being able to pay for both our expenses and we covered partial cost for another couple…again, completely anonymous. This is all done in the privacy of your room.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
In what way do you think you aren't ready? There are people who go and are in limbo and not sure if they will stay in their marriage.
I also ask that question to help us on our end because my husband and I are helping with the next Retrouvaille weekend here to help support couples attending for the first time. We are nervous too
Keep an open mind and know that a lot of other couples are in the same situation.
[This message edited by DixieD at 12:15 PM, January 13th (Monday)]
Retrovaille is in our future.....3 weeks away to going. My wife took her A underground, broke NC, lots of lies AFTER DD's, slow to find remorse, defensive. So even though I am 17 months out from DD, it's probably more realistic to say we are just 8-10 months into R.
What was your journey like? How " quick" did you repent and find honest remorse?
My two cents to you is.....if your BS is up for it, go for it .
In Missouri, retrovaille is required by some family courts before a D is granted. One of my justifications to going is that we will at least hit that goal should we D. Romantic, huh?
I am "all in" for learning to R. I believe retrovaille is a healthy step towards that goal. I offer this lesser point as an "at the very least" motivation to going.
Adultery IS a valid reason for D. No sense in avoiding that fact.
What additional stress do you fear retrovaille will put on your struggling M that will push either of you to end it?