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Newest Member: IWantToSurvive (44222)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Two and a half years out......
lifeblowntobits
♀ Member
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well SI, it has been a long time since I have been here and I wanted to come back to update and offer a glimpse into what can be for those who are working on R.

It has been a hell of a crazy ride, but better days are ahead. We have struggled, fought, almost given up, been indifferent....but here we are and I feel (and hope) that we are finally on the other side of the mountain that is infidelity.

We are finally at a good place. It isn't perfect, things still come up regarding the A, but I believe that we will not only make it, we will continue to grow and mature as a couple. I believe that we can have a better marriage than we did before.

My triggers are far and few between and when they do come, the intensity and length seem to be much less. The anger has dissipated. The hurt is still there, but again the intensity is less than it was. Questions will pop into my head, and if I feel like it is something that I HAVE to ask H, I will and then move on. I no longer seem to dwell in the pain/anger/negativity. Sometimes it comes easily, other times I have to work at it and remember my "mindfulness" that I learned from my IC.

It isn't always easy, I have to remind myself of how far we have come sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am choosing joy and love! I have a bracelet that says "choose joy" so that I can look at my wrist and realize that joy and happiness is sometimes a choice.

I love my husband and am looking forward to what the future will bring us. On Christmas Day I offered him a very rare gift....I gave him the gift of forgiveness. It was something I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I do believe that a large part of that forgiveness is for me...it was me saying that the past events no longer have a hold on me...they no longer hold me captive. My H was excited, humble, and very surprised by this gift. He realizes that this doesn't mean there won't be pain or even anger over the A, it simply means that I am committed to him and us and the rest of our lives together.

I believe that R can be achieved if both parties are willing to work hard, communicate, and be honest with each other. I wish you all the best as you work towards R.


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Christmas Day I offered him a very rare gift....I gave him the gift of forgiveness.

Awesome!

I took a different path. I offered forgiveness almost immediately. I wasn't offering R until much later. We are at very similar places, though I am struggling with the plain of lethal flatness. FWW recognizes it and is picking up where I cannot.

I am so glad to see a success story from not much further down the line!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an encouraging story, thanks for posting! I wish my WS was more remorseful. I don't know if I should wait after 2 yrs to wait and see if I can feel like you do now. From what I've read in the healing library I just don't think he is 100% remorseful. How could you tell your H was? Also when you say triggers are few and far between do you mean days apart or just less times in a day? Hoping I could have a good post like this one day.....thanks for the encouragement.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
PhoenixGirl
♀ Member
Member # 34181
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LBTB! Thanks for posting this. I was thinking just the other day how much time has helped so many things. As you know, I'm approaching 3 years, and I have found, as you have, that the triggers are fewer and further between; the intense anger and sadness have dissipated; even my anger at the OW has turned into sort of a duller sort of thing. As you say - it doesn't mean everything has gone away or that there aren't still many things to work on in my M - it just means that the incredible intense cloud of crazy, horrible emotions for the first months and years have turned into something that 1) is in the past, and 2) is mostly manageable.

Forgiveness is such an odd word - it has so many meanings for so many people. I do believe that in the end, forgiveness is really about releasing yourself and I'm so glad to hear you've done that. I can tell from things you've said out in the "real world" that you seem happier and more content, and I'm so glad to see that. You've been a great source of strength to me in my journey and you deserve to be happy.

((LBTB))


BS-Me(43)
fWH-(44)
DDay-3/11

The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself-Alan Wolfelt


Posts: 500 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Upstate New York
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for this post. I am 5 months out as of December 31st and at times I want to give up. He is doing all the right things. We are in therapy, he makes himself accountable..etc, but I am just not sure yet if I want to be here. Is that normal at 5 months ??

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013
lifeblowntobits
♀ Member
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454real:
FWW recognizes it and is picking up where I cannot.
This is awesome and what a lot of the ride is about. My H and I have rarely been in the same place at the same time.

industriousbee: If you don't feel he is 100% remorseful, he likely isn't. When I could look at my H and see that he was in pain for causing my pain, i knew. It was (as always) action more than words. Letting me vent when I needed to, answered questions without being defensive, acknowledging that he was the cause of my heartache. As far as triggers.....they are rare. Once a month or so if I had to guess. They aren't as intense and I can manage them much better than the early days.

PG:

Forgiveness is such an odd word - it has so many meanings for so many people.
That is SO true. In the beginning I was vehemently opposed to the idea of forgiving my H. As time went on, I knew, that for me, I couldn't stay with him if I wasn't able to forgive. It was almost empowering.....I refuse to let the events of 2011 define me or my life.

Shed:

but I am just not sure yet if I want to be here. Is that normal at 5 months ??
Oh Yeah! Completely normal. I wasn't even sure until I got to the point of being able to say I forgave him. (just this month). He knew going into R that I reserved the right to end the M at anytime d/t his A. With my forgiveness, I gave him a reassurance that I am committed to moving forward. I won't leave him because of his stupidity in 2011. Now future stupidity....that is another story Hang in there.....5 months is early in the process. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to!

[This message edited by lifeblowntobits at 7:05 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woohoo! Thanks for your uplifting update!


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 425 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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