It has been a hell of a crazy ride, but better days are ahead. We have struggled, fought, almost given up, been indifferent....but here we are and I feel (and hope) that we are finally on the other side of the mountain that is infidelity.
We are finally at a good place. It isn't perfect, things still come up regarding the A, but I believe that we will not only make it, we will continue to grow and mature as a couple. I believe that we can have a better marriage than we did before.
My triggers are far and few between and when they do come, the intensity and length seem to be much less. The anger has dissipated. The hurt is still there, but again the intensity is less than it was. Questions will pop into my head, and if I feel like it is something that I HAVE to ask H, I will and then move on. I no longer seem to dwell in the pain/anger/negativity. Sometimes it comes easily, other times I have to work at it and remember my "mindfulness" that I learned from my IC.
It isn't always easy, I have to remind myself of how far we have come sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am choosing joy and love! I have a bracelet that says "choose joy" so that I can look at my wrist and realize that joy and happiness is sometimes a choice.
I love my husband and am looking forward to what the future will bring us. On Christmas Day I offered him a very rare gift....I gave him the gift of forgiveness. It was something I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I do believe that a large part of that forgiveness is for me...it was me saying that the past events no longer have a hold on me...they no longer hold me captive. My H was excited, humble, and very surprised by this gift. He realizes that this doesn't mean there won't be pain or even anger over the A, it simply means that I am committed to him and us and the rest of our lives together.
I believe that R can be achieved if both parties are willing to work hard, communicate, and be honest with each other. I wish you all the best as you work towards R.
On Christmas Day I offered him a very rare gift....I gave him the gift of forgiveness.
I took a different path. I offered forgiveness almost immediately. I wasn't offering R until much later. We are at very similar places, though I am struggling with the plain of lethal flatness. FWW recognizes it and is picking up where I cannot.
I am so glad to see a success story from not much further down the line!
Forgiveness is such an odd word - it has so many meanings for so many people. I do believe that in the end, forgiveness is really about releasing yourself and I'm so glad to hear you've done that. I can tell from things you've said out in the "real world" that you seem happier and more content, and I'm so glad to see that. You've been a great source of strength to me in my journey and you deserve to be happy.
The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself-Alan Wolfelt
FWW recognizes it and is picking up where I cannot.
industriousbee: If you don't feel he is 100% remorseful, he likely isn't. When I could look at my H and see that he was in pain for causing my pain, i knew. It was (as always) action more than words. Letting me vent when I needed to, answered questions without being defensive, acknowledging that he was the cause of my heartache. As far as triggers.....they are rare. Once a month or so if I had to guess. They aren't as intense and I can manage them much better than the early days.
Forgiveness is such an odd word - it has so many meanings for so many people.
but I am just not sure yet if I want to be here. Is that normal at 5 months ??
[This message edited by lifeblowntobits at 7:05 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]