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User Topic: Double betrayal- how fo you survive it?So very lost & destroyed!
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Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too lost my best friend many years ago. We were like sisters. I would have trusted her with my life.

When she lost her job I helped her get another one with a friend. She embezzled from them. I defended her for over a year. I could not believe she had done this, but she had.

At the same time I discovered that she had stolen the money I found out she was cheating on her husband and had used me as an alibi.

It was such a betrayal yet I still missed her very much. I haven't seen her in 25 years and have no idea where she is.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
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Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU dint let anything happen. You are the victim of two cold hearted pieces of shit.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Member # 41823
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well its been a few months since my first post but in all honesty, it is not getting any easier. Guess i didnt expect it would be really but i am starting to wonder- when will the hurt stop??

My WS has recently moved into his own place which i initially i thought was positive step as it gives him access to our kids and also means he has time away from her. Turns out it was just a screen though as he only stays at his house the one night a week that he has our kids and the rest of the time he lives with her and her kids. Im in contact with her ex husband here and there and he tells me his kids are extremely unhappy and are really struggling having him living in their home. They both are aware of just have unhappy all 4 kids are - our 2 and also her 2 but they dont care - he says to me constantly that he is living for himself and the kids will just have to learn to live with it- i will not be dictated to is his words. I have spent months explaining that my daughter who has just turned 11 is not trying to dictate to him but could he please understand that she looked open my ex BFF as her second mother, she loved and trusted her the same way i did and now she feels totaly betrayed and hurt. He says he has done nothing wrong and for the first time in his life he is truly happy and i need to just move on and get on with my life. WOW!!!!!!! This relationship was 27 years and apparently i need to just flick a switch and deal with the hurt.

Saying this though my pain, hurt, anger and confusion is ALL coming from her. The hatred is so strong and overwhelming most of the time BUT then i have those moments when im home alone and her/our favourite song comes on and i just lose it- i hate to admit it but i still miss her- it seems to be an ache i cant let go and trust me i am trying. I sooo need to be rid of her and being in such a small town i see her every single day- mainly just from the car but still it wrecks the rest of my day in a instant. Have thought about moving away but it is even scarier atm.

He told me 3 weeks ago that the relationship is not going that well and that it is pretty much doomed from the start really. He made comment that his life is extremley unhappy and that he doesnt know if he even wants to go on in life. But then in the next breath he tells me that she is the one person who understands him (better than me he says- ha), and that he is truly happy?? Such confiding thoughts and i have no idea why he is telling me this. I have made it very clear that i will never have a relationship with him again and that i want him to be happy- just not with her. I struggle to actually understand how these 2 people who i believed truly loved me can inflict SO much pain and hurt and then just go about there lives happily. I have asked for answers but he says he doesnt owe me any answers.

This is just so hard - i find him weak and pathetic and i finally realise the person i thought was not capable of cheating and lying has been doing just that for a very long time. He denied it at first but he is starting to deny it less and less now. I find her HARD- she is so cold and manipulating and has hurt me like i couldnt even imagine was possible but i still cant let go. I have had no contact with her at all but i no if she walked in the door right now i would fall to pieces. That is what i hate so much- i need to be strong enough to reject her

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
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Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you miss her more than you do your husband---she was just a fake...she was never your friend...she calculated every step,every move...she was not real...she was never your friend..she was not your friend she was your enemy--what a horrible person your husband is---he is already planning your funeral---you have to take care of yourself--stress is your worst enemy---PLEASE hane no contact with your ex,he likes to play head games with you,likes to upset you,get you stressed out....he wants to bring your not let have nothing to discuss with him,nothing at all--get together with her ex and hire a private detective so both of you will have evidence...he is cruel and does not care about you...PLEASE,PLEASE SEE A LAWYER AND IMPLEMENT NO CONTACT AND the si library---do not let him or her abuse you,,,be have kids to take care of---remember if anything happens to you she will raise your children....SO TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
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Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Titanium76 - what a horrific story. First of all, I hope things are going OK with your cancer treatment and that you can remain healthy for you and your children. I am appalled by what your H has done I can't imagine the struggles you must be facing.

I too have survived and continue to survive a double betrayal. Although having read your story I feel almost lucky not to be dealing with a serious illness on top of it all.

This double betrayal business is in a class of its own. There is a thread on SI under "I can relate" which deals in particular with double betrayal. One of the women in my saga was my dear friend and neighbor, a woman who I had known for 15 years, shared confidences with, held her in my arms when her parents died, took care of her children when she needed me to etc. All the time she was screwing my idiot H (now ex H).

It is mind boggling how these people can do it. It must be a form of sociopathy. That is all I can say. Unfortunately it is not unusual if you read some of the stories on SI.

Oh honey, I don't really know what to say except that 3 years on in my case, it does get a little better. I hope you are having counseling to deal with this. I started having counseling a week after D-Day and without it I would have been admitted to a psychiatric facility.

I think it is quite normal to "miss" the AP in a double betrayal. Your best friend, whether male or female is just not supposed to do that to do. It goes against the very basic foundation of friendship, trust and integrity. A close friendship is supposed to be considered as sacred, not something to use as an opportunity to destroy someone else. Unbelievable.

Your H is a bastard to be discussing your possible demise and the plans he has in place. Quite frankly he needs serious psychiatric help.

PM me if you need to anytime.

Keep posting so we know you are OK.



Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
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Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just new here , so I can't offer much advice
In my double betrayal the X BF was the midwife for the birth of my baby girl - and she was also shagging my WH (you could say it was a package deal ! )
I thought I would miss the friendship too
But actually have found that I am realived that she is no longer apart of my life .
When there is something that triggers a memory of her instead of thinking I miss her, I think, thank Christ she's not still bullshitting and playing me for a fool


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The feelings of confusion and hurt, even hate, last a while. Double betrayal is especially hard to process, because the betrayer uses their inside knowledge of you, to hurt you. That makes it especially personal and complicated.

Over the years, I have found that the betrayal at the hands of my so called friends, is harder to deal with. Many of us wouldn't even consider doing this kind of thing to a complete stranger. I wouldn't even do this to someone I disliked.

I can not fathom that your best friend or your WH would gamble with your life, while you were fighting to save it. In my eyes, that takes cold hearted to a new level.

She makes a much better enemy than she does a friend.

One way you can build the strength to reject her, is took at her for who she is, no what you believed she was. But now she has removed her mask and shown you the real her. It's going to take some time to mourn the loss of the friendship you believed you had.

This was no friend. She was a wolf in sheep's clothing. She is toxic and would rather keep you sick. Adding this kind of stress into your life, after your sickness, is the lowest of low.

Try think of her as a sickness, that needs to be removed from your life. She's been feeding off of you, and taking from you, and the only way to end that, is to cut her off from your heart, and your mind.
Keep NC with her, even in thought. You could learn some techniques to do this in IC.

I also recommend limiting contact with your WH as much as possible. His access to you and discussions about anything other than the children and finances, continue to hurt you, and provide a way for you to mentally attach to thoughts of your fakefriend.

I don't know if you are posting in the forum for divorce/separation, but since you are living separately, you might draw some strength from their experiences. I think those folks might be able to help you through the challenges of necessary communication with your WH.

You deserve to be healthy, happy and surrounded by people who love you.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Titanium - I know exactly what you are feeling, I was in your position. It is the hardest thing to be betrayed by 2 people that you loved/cared for.

My healing only started once he moved out - I said started, but I didn't really start to feel peace and even moments of joy, until I STOPPED contact with STBXH and XBFF.

I didn't listen to anyone that told me to focus on me, to focus on the kids, I honestly didn't understand how could people tell me that - when I was so hurt. But do you know why I was so hurt? Because I LET him continue to hurt me, I continued to let him in my life, to be nice to him, to even invite him to our kids parties, etc. I don't know what I was hoping for, but whatever it was - WH, just never came through for me, therefore, it was like a new hurt every time.

Tell yourself this phrase - No Contact = no new hurt.

Say this phrase out loud every time you think about picking up the phone to call him or her, every time you look at their Facebook pages, or ask the kids what they did at his house. STOP all of that, I know it takes time and practice, but if you keep doing it, you'll get good at it.

Every time both of them do something - so that they can get a *reaction* out of you, ignore them.

Don't do anything to *destroy* their relationship, in time they will do it all by themselves, and when your husband will want to come back (and he will) - YOU will be strong enough, to not accept to being his SECOND CHOICE.

Ask yourself, do you really want to be second choice? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that does not LOVE you or respect you?




"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~

Posts: 531 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
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Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..another 'double betrayal' member here..

same situation.. HS sweathearts.. together 20+ years.. 2 kids 11 and 3 when I first found out back in 1987. Lied to about the extent of their betrayal..

,,bfOM was friend since Boy Scouts..

..just to let you know that the 'Karma Bus' does keep rollin' along and made a stop at bfOM's house.. dropped a whomp-ass brain tumour on him at 57.. took a year to finish him off.. oh, how I love seeing God's justice at work. have faith.. he and your so-called friend will get their come-upance.. be patient!

sending prayers to you and your little ones..


[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:16 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
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Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are living in Hell right now. WH and the HO that you trusted as your BFF will get hit by the Karma bus. Their relationship is built upon lies, betrayal, evil and all bad things.

You, on the other hand are goodness and light. You trusted, you loved, you got hurt.

I know you have to have contact with this piece of shit man about your kids. Fine. Don't have any more contact with him. Make it ONLY about the kids. Don't give him any room to tell you how things are going with him and the HO. You are NOT his friend! He lost the right to have you as a friend and anything else. NC 100%

As for the HO Fake BFF, 100% NC. EVER. Not even about the kids. When you start missing her, picture her face as the wicked witch or as a creature slowly turning into a demon from the depths of hell. Bitch is too kind of a word for her.

I think if you could move just one town away it could be good. One town. Get a fresh start. You wouldn't have to see the DEMONHO and WH everyday driving around. That alone could improve the quality of your life. Be with family and "true" friends who really care about you and also make some new ones when you are ready.

Focus on your healing. I hope the tests went well for you in January. Fight! Fight! Fight! I don't know what your spirituality is but I will be praying for you.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person

Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
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Member # 41823
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well its been ova 6 months since i found out and i can say that life is really not that much easier. The hurt is still there, i still cringe everytime i see her car or even worse her anywhere i go. He still has his house but lives entirely with her.
we went to mediation to try to work out child access and i thought i was being very considerate offering him 30% access to the kids. He refused, seems he wants less access not more!! This is a new hurt. Cant even believe that little boy i fell in love with could or would reject his own children. He absolutley adored them, was very very active father who just lived for his kids. Now...... its all too hard for him to have them. He refuses any parenting plan i put to him and up until 2 weeks ago had not seen the kids for 8 weeks. My kids just dont deserve it. He refuses to get a lawyer and every legal bit of paperwork i send him he has her type a letter to respond it it (he is not very computer literate). At the moment it seems the law is on his side - if i pull access to the kids he can take me to court and then claim for me to pay his court costs, if i give him the children he doesnt want them- its basically agree to whatever small amount of time he wants with them and thats it. Im so so sick of it. 2 weeks ago i went away for checkups and my lawyer (i have had no contact at all for last 8 weeks- at all), sent him a letter asking for him to have the children while i was away- answer NO. He sent a letter back to my lawyer stating he wanted access to the kids but only every second weekend and thats it. She has recently had secuirty cameras installed as she claims she is being harrassed and is telling the town it is by me. I have been no where near either of them and actually go out of my way to avoid seeing them (small towns are very hard). Actually it nearly seems the other way as everywhere i go she seems to be there or at some stage will arrive if im there. I can take much more of her i swear, i am going to break. I simply can not understand how she can help him to walk away from his children, they love and adore him and they are confused and hurt by his behaviour. I have no doubt she is fueling him but still he is an adult and he is walking away. Problem is he wont just walk away, he half does it and then decides he wants them back. Hate how he can just play with his childrens feelings. My biggest hurt is that he has no contact and then when he does decided to see them it is purely to ease his own guilt and make him feel like a father. I feel sorry that he is there father every single day- they deserve so so much better. When will this end???

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
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Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I am SO sorry you are dealing with SO much at one time! Being betrayed in itself is bad enough! And I want to make sure this point is
VERY clear...YOU DID NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! I was also double betrayed by my H and my (former) sister in law! (My H affair happened 25 yrs ago but I only found out about it 10 mos. ago but feels like it happened yesterday)And I REALLY struggled with the same question...How did I NOT see it? How did I LET it happen? My IC set me straight on this real quick! She said that you do not see what you do not EXPECT to see! We TRUSTED THESE PEOPLE!! My former SIL also kept our two boys when I worked. Our family treated her SO well, and accepted her into our family with open arms! So HOW these women can do this to us, I will NEVER understand! (Of course I don't understand the H either) but I just don't get how a woman who is your BEST friend or your SIL could betray us like this! (We found out that my SIL had had "feelings" for my H for years as well)but is just unthinkable! IMHO they are just sleezy, broken women who think very little of themselves apparently! Anyway...You MUST take care of YOU #1 and your children! HE created this mess within your family and is the one who wanted guess what? I'm sure he can take care of himself! And IMHO, he OWES it to you and the children to help take care of ya'll as well! I will bet that some of that "LOVE" and romance will be gone, once they both have to face reality! Prayers for physical healing for you and emotional too! For me...the emotional is the hardest! Sending hugs and peace for you and your family!

2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
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Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...guess I read your old post and thought it was the current one! I'm SO sorry you are now dealing with him and his behavior toward the children! Makes me SO sad! I would bet a lot of this is coming from HER! It seems that women can be SO jealous of another woman's children. That is horrible! may NEVER end unless HE wakes up to what is going on! But...the children will one day be old enough, that they will SEE all of this on their own! It's sad you have to wait on that! Take care and prayers for you! I hope you got good news at your checkup!

2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
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Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have traveled this path. I am a little over a year out. Today I saw the white trash xbff and realized I'm not healed as much as I thought I was. I was trembling by the time I got back to my car. So to answer your question of when... You've probably got a ways to go.

The only thing that has pulled me through is my faith in God. I don't know whether you and your children are in church or not. But our church has circled around my children and myself and loved us and covered us in prayer. Dig into your faith. I remember being told that I would come out of this a stronger person. I didn't believe it. But I can see now that I am getting stronger, I just still have more healing to do. The further out you get, the more clearly you see things. I never realized the emotional and verbal abuse that my kids and I endured. I will never live like that again. And if that means I am by myself forever, so be it. My life will at least be authentic.

I trust by now you have an attorney. Mine told me early on that she would handle the financial side of the divorce and that I had to handle the emotional side. That's true. Get yourself and your kids into counseling. There are free family counseling options where we are. We have seen both the free ones and ones that I pay.

Go no contact except by text or email about kids.

If you are uncertain to what extent they will go to hurt you, then always have a witness with you when you will be around them in public. My xbff had me arrested and another OW had my mugshot posted on my STBXWH Facebook within 30 mins... It was absurd. Then my xbff sued me civically over it. Talk about running up legal fees... You have to fight for yourself and your kids. My criminal case was dismissed without any court cost to me and the same week her civil suit was thrown out. But all of that to say, have someone with you to be a witness for you. Seems you don't even have to do anything and you can be arrested. Unremorseful waywards are cruel and heartless.

And as hard as it will be, try to always take the high road. You have to give your kids one parent they can look to for guidance. Don't talk smack about them. I don't cover for them. But I don't bad mouth them either. It will reflect on you. People are watching whether you know it or not. If you can keep it together, then everyone will see that you are the sane one and that you truly have your kids best interest at heart.

We try mediation in a little over a month. I would love to get some closure. But I won't settle for what's less than fair.

Seriously, cling to your bible and learn His truths for you and your children. He will be faithful.

BW - me 43
WH - 46
M - 23 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
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