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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No Affection WS and BS Please Respond...frustrated
BrokenNPieces
♀ New Member
Member # 39052
Target  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about my WH affair in January of this year and its almost been a year of ups and downs. Since around October we have been doing much better but I still think about divorcing him. Not he is not a good person, I know that he just made a mistake but its deeper. No affection what so ever. I have had a passionate kiss since our wedding day almost 2 years ago, no kisses during sex, no foreplay at all and I have told him about. I have gained weight and no I am not fat Im 5'7' 175 pounds Im thick in the right places. He said that he was less attracted to me when he cheated and he doesnt like the way I am now so that is the reason he doesnt do those things. I dont know what to do I love him but everyday I sense my feelings for him changing and if he just kissed me more and concerned himself with how Im feeling during sex then maybe I wouldnt feel this way but he doesnt try....I just dont know what to do anymore. Any help will be greatly appreciated.


DD 1/18/2013
Still meeting last DD 4/27/2013
R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: '
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BrokenNPieces:
I just read all of your posts, and the same question keeps popping up in my mind: Why are you staying with him?
IMO, he is using you, and abusing you emotionally.
You do NOT deserve this type of relationship whatsoever!
Your H didn't make a mistake; he made a conscious decision to cheat. He is showing you absolutely no respect.

Since around October we have been doing much better

In what respect(s)?


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, you can not change his behavior.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2241 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a butthead!
You know what? Everyone deserves to feel wanted. Doesn't matter if you're Marilyn Monroe or plain Jane. Sex and passion are part of being in love. If not, it's like having a brother that helps with the chores. Not the same love.

You really love him after all this time of no validation? OK. If so, I think you should pull the 180. And if fear of losing you doesn't wake up what's been missing- then you need to realize that you don't deserve to miss out on real love that includes real intimacy.

"He said that he was less attracted to me when he cheated and he doesnt like the way I am now so that is the reason he doesnt do those things."

^^Totally unacceptable. You can tell him thanks for the honesty (I'm not being sarcastic!!) but that you deserve better. I don't care if you weigh 175 or 275 - if he doesn't like it, he can lump it and leave! You would be better off than staying with him and feeling unattractive. And even if you can't imagine it now, you would meet someone new that would think you were the SHIT!

If you feel strong and good about yourself, if you know in your heart that you are AWESOME, it will show. If he doesn't get it, fine, whatever, you still come out ahead if you can get in touch with loving & being pleased with yourself. Instead of trying to please him and make him want you. HE has to win YOU back- not the other way, sister!


Me- BS-42
Him-WS-41
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 14
OW- old girlfriend from High School

We are done.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Mama58
♀ Member
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's just 'not that into you'. Leave him, and find someone who is.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all about parables lately, and your post (and past posts) call to mind this one.

Once there was a man whose house was in a flood. He stood on the porch as the waters rose. A boat came by, the driver urged the man to get on board but the man said he was waiting on the Lord to save him. The waters rose, the first floor was flooded and as the man looked out his second story window, another boat came to rescue him. The man turned the boat away, saying he would wait for God to rescue him. Finally he was clinging to the chimney on the roof. A helicopter flew overhead and dropped down a ladder. The man waved it off, saying Jesus would save his life. Finally he was swept away in the waters and drowned. At the pearly gates, he saw God and said, Lord, all my life I did as you asked but when the time came you did not save me. And God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what else did you want?"

WH cheated on you before you were married a year. He lied to you and kept seeing OW for three more months. In July he wanted to separate. Now he's telling you he's not attracted to you, and shows no interest in meeting your needs for affection and passion. What more do you need, to convince you that you deserve better?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is my favorite parable.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2241 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is around your size and I think she is incredibly sexy. I am thinking about her right now....mmmmm. (Sorry, she is out of town and I miss her.).

Size doesn't matter, feelings and intimacy matter.

Please do not let your husband treat you like this. You deserve better.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well geez, one can gain weight due to stress. I WONDER WHAT CAUSED THAT?

If he's so petty and superficial that something like weight will keep him away from you, leave him now cause 30 years from now, you may get a wrinkle or two!! Oh, and at 75, your back might give out. It can't be that you marry someone knowing this will eventually happen so that when you too are fat, wrinkly, and old, you'll have someone to still talk to and love you. I think you deserve that, and not someone sticking their nose up to some extra weight.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's so petty and superficial that something like weight will keep him away from you, leave him now cause 30 years from now, you may get a wrinkle or two!! Oh, and at 75, your back might give out. It can't be that you marry someone knowing this will eventually happen so that when you too are fat, wrinkly, and old, you'll have someone to still talk to and love you. I think you deserve that, and not someone sticking their nose up to some extra weight.

Sadly, it's not about the weight.

The man is completely detached.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You haven't had a passionate kiss since your wedding day. So what happened? You ate the whole wedding cake and gained the weight during the reception? If he hasn't passionately kissed you since that day, that must be what happened, right?

Your H is an asshole, plain and simple. He isn't remorseful, and saying something like that is NOT love.

I'm sorry - no one deserves to be told something so cruel. His lack of affection is his issue, not yours. If you were just married 2 years ago, and he's already cheating and making cruel comments, I can't say you're wrong for considering divorce. He either doesn't want to be married and is too gutless to tell you that, or he has significant intimacy issues. Either way, you deserve better.

You've offered R to someone that has hurt you deeply, and in return he says he doesn't like the way you look so he doesn't kiss you or act interested in you.

He's a selfish pig. There, I've said it.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Lola88
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do this to yourself - he isn't doing it, you are allowing it. He is a bully, nothing more. Try to imagine watching this happen to someone you really care for, a sister, close friend?

Why do we accept less for ourselves?

I am a BS, totally blindsided - with him since I was 15, married at 17 and faithful always. I feel like I have been gutted but I will hang on to my self respect. Maybe because it feels like it's all I have left.

Be strong, you deserve so much more x


Posts: 121 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm certain he's detached, too. No one who truly loves someone would say that. I'm certain it's an excuse, but if BrokenN ends up divorcing, it can be a valid reason why.

"Well, you don't think I'm attractive 'cause I'm fat, so I'm divorcing you now before my hair turns gray and I get wrinkles. Goodbye!"


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2013
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since around October we have been doing much better

Examples? Maybe there's some positivity I'm missing...


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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