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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Getting back together and triggers
mellie99
♀ Member
Member # 39712
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my husband arrives the 31st and we head back home the 1st. I tried to skype with him to discuss travel plans and he tells me he's not home...come to find out he went to Texas to see his mom. While I was pretty calm about it this set me off because the last time he went to Texas he cheated. When I asked why he didn't tell he said he didn't think he needed to discuss every little detail with me...well, as you can guess things snowballed from there. One of the biggest issues in our relationship is poor communication so between this and him not telling me about his mom coming to visit on the 6th (he told me last night) I'm pretty frustrated.

I have to admit I'm really struggling about going back. Baby will be 7w this Sunday and I've really enjoyed being here with family and knowing I'm with people who genuinely love and accept me. Everytime I think about leaving I cry...why is this so hard? I want us to be a happy healthy family but I'm so afraid this just isn't meant to be. Someone please tell me these feelings are normal when coming back after a separation...it's been 4 months now.


Me: BW (32)
Him: WS (31)-Multiple ONS
Married: 1/3/05 Together since 5/2002
D-Day #1-3/2009 (4 years after the fact)
D-Day #2 3/2013(he confessed to 3 more ONS, 1 the month I found out I was pregnant)

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, it sounds like he doesn't really get it yet. Maybe you need to stay with your family a bit longer, your baby is so young and you need love and support.

Have you communicated to him how it feels to have him travelling and making plans without consulting you?

To me it doesn't sound like he's ready to do the hard work. :(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Mama58
♀ Member
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Serial cheater who doesn't think he needs to ok his plans with you after cheating again? Oh no, no, no. You are young, don't waste any more of your life with him, stay with you're family, they will be your support system. Let go of the dream of a happy, little family, at least with that guy. Go NC. File for D. Tell everyone why. He doesn't deserve you or not 1 more chance. Take your time with relationships. Fix your picker. Be the best you can be for you and your baby. He'll probably disappear anyway, these serial cheaters never change. Good luck. You deserve better.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mellie99))

Take the time with your family to figure out what you want. You and your darling baby are in a supportive and loving environment. Caring and bonding with your child is so important and it is such a special time. Why return to a situation that is fraught with uncertainty and stress?

It sounds like your husband is not truly remorseful or committed to R. His response when you asked about why he didn't tell you about the trip is appalling. He should be completely transparent and jumping through hoops to demonstrate that he is worth R with. There should be no holding back, no defensive acts or words. What has he done during your separation to deal with the issues that let to his A?

Take you time in deciding what you want. Do not feel that you need to be rushed into making a decision.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 3:46 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry. My WH is the same way about communicating, plans his trips and sometimes remembers to tell me about them- or else I hear him talking to someone else about it and its like "Oh, you're going to XXX?" He's always been that way, so even though he used his trips this year to meet OW its not a HUGE trigger for me, just another reminder of how he is, and will always be.

I was separated for 7 months...I did find that despite the sadness (Which. lets face it, was unavoidable whether he was there or not) I was still able to recognize how I might be happier without him around! It made me realize I had always had to take care of myself anyway, nothing really changed except I had one less kid to pick up after, and I sure didn't miss his negativity and criticisms!

So when he came back home, although I did enjoy remembering the good things about being together (Which I had honestly forgotten), I also am determined not to put up with the bad/annoying shit that I now have opened my eyes to. Be prepared- being around him again made the pain/hurt/anger all new and raw again, when I thought I had begun to grow a scab. I posted about it under reconciliation forum, subject was something like "Attempting R-makes pain new again" and I got some great replies, you should check it out.

I'm sure you're scared. After 4 months of processing this on your own (sorta) you are now going back "into the fray". Go back with your eyes open and take your time observing him. Just because you ended separation doesn't mean you have to make a final decision yet. Love yourself! and that new baby :)


Me- BS-42
Him-WS-41
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 14
OW- old girlfriend from High School

We are done.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your profile. Your husband has done nothing to change himself. If you go back now nothing will change. He's already treating you like shit, he should be kissing your ass not flipping out on you because you questioned why he didn't tell you about going to Texas. You need to stay with your family until he shows you that he's a different man.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
allyk2014
♀ New Member
Member # 41688
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your profile. He doesn't seem to have any remorse or empathy with the things he has done and how it has affected you. He seems to blame everyone else and take no responsibility. Very selfish. My H is the same. Research narcissist and some of the posts on narcissistic husbands on here if you can. I don't think this type of man will change. I am separated as well. My family hates him for everything he has done to me and have all been so supportive. My wh has altered from wanting to work on things, being mr. wonderful to blaming me and telling me its my fault as well that we're not together, and can be very emotionally abusive as well. He feels no remorse. Yet I still want this perfect family and I don't believe we can ever have that with this type of man. I keep telling myself maybe he'll finally "get it" and see how he has hurt me. He won't. They don't change.


Me: 38
WH: 43 Narcissist
Currently separated

Posts: 32 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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