Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confront him on Xmas?!?
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need advice please!!

My husband came home a month ago. Right after I found a phone call to OP and confronted him & he swore, swore, it was him giving her the final kiss-off.
Well in looking at phone records last week, I found suspicious texts/calls on a couple days recently when we fought. Not to her # but to mutual friends, with suspicious timing.

I've sat on this because a) I was trying to convince myself it was coincidence and b) because I didn't want to ruin Xmas for our 2 kids, who seem so happy he's back.

But now I'm burning up!! He's snoring away next to me having a great Xmas nap. Can I hold out the rest of the day?!? For kids sake? For Xmas memorie's sake?!?! Because this conversation might b the deal breaker :(


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mutual friends? Meaning friends of the OW?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever your answer, one day wont make a difference...Can you gather your thoughts, get your ducks in a row and confront tomorrow?

I don't usually say wait if you don't want to, but it is Christmas, let the kids have it.

If these people are friends of yours AND the OW I would say they have to go...friends of the marriage only.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty sure one of the #'s is a mutual friend if his & her. The other I don't recognize. But she lives across the country, can't b a coincidence he was texting other ppl in that town that he normally never does, in the middle of the night. 😡and then again right after another fight.
Sadly obvious :(


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I get it.

Let him snore, go make some memories with your kids. His bullshit is not worth ruining your time with them.

I would discuss this with him tomorrow.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ or go see a lawyer tomorrow. Hang in there today. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the other people saying to wait. You don't deserve to have to deal with confronting him and his possibly not helpful reaction today. Also it will linger in your memory because it's associated with the Holiday. But do what you need to do when the time is right.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 193 | Registered: Nov 2013
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. You know how sometimes new info/clues can just stew for awhile, in semi denial, then WHAM!! Well today was my WHAM. I am so pissed.

In some ways I had almost, perversely, hoped for some definite signs that my gut feelings were true... Well there I go. He has lied for 6 months about his post d-day contact with her.

I guess I'll try to b a grown up today :) thanks for the replies!!


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then I get childish and think, damnit, it's already ruining my Xmas, why not his!!?


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember, you are not doing this for him.

You are saving this day for your children.

It isn't fair, it isn't right. But it is what we do as loving parents.We spare them when we are able to.

He isn't having a happy xmas, I bet inside he knows the walls are about to crash. You cannot live a lie without it looming over your head.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should do what is best for YOU. If having an evening with your kids to reflect on Christmas memories is valuable then do it. Enjoy it. Kick his ass to the curb tomorrow and don't look back. For me it would be hard not to feel sentimental and I wouldn't be as strong as I'd need to be today. BSs like us are used to bending over backwards for the marriage and for our WSs and we only have power when we can avoid doing this. Be strong, keep the snoring going and get your thoughts organized. Tomorrow you can calmly confront him with your evidence and tell him the consequences. The only one childish here is him!!


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what happened??? Did you talk to him yet?


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, I managed to keep up the mask yesterday. I could tell he was sweating, though, asking me how I was and stuff. So I'll give him bonus points for that, for being tuned in. Even if it might be because of a guilty conscience.

I'm going to try to be calm & not get him on the defensive, try to have a full talk about everything and not just light into him with my new info. Try to give him a chance to be honest before I come with my new "evidence". Hopefully tonight, or soon anyway.

Thanks to everyone who "talked me down" yesterday!! You were right, one more day can't hurt, Xmas is for the kids, and he would have been resentful if I had chosen yesterday to talk. Thank you thank you!!


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would call the phone numbers and ask why fWH was contacting them. But then I don't tend to believe a word my fWH every says since he's known to lie thru his teeth.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sumrlady
♀ Member
Member # 4355
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he denies it I would make him call the number from his phone and put it on speaker.

Or just say "F it" and file for divorce.


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover-Mark Twain

Posts: 3138 | Registered: May 2004 | From: N. California
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he denies it I would make him call the number from his phone and put it on speaker.

^^^ This.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I know now the one # is an old friend, who is just such a sweet guy I wouldn't want to put him in that position. The other #, I tried to call & its now disconnected. Very interesting...
My plan is to give him every chance to tell the truth himself. To present the talk in a way where I am saying "even if its hard for me to hear, you telling me the truth is just as important as what that truth might be" so he maybe won't be defensive or feel like if he tells me, I'm automatically out the door. I mean maybe OW is just going bat shit crazy down there in FL, now that he really told her to kiss off. Maybe she is just causing drama and he still thinks he needs to hide anything that has to do with her from me. If its something like that, and he tells me without me me having to wring it out of him, I can handle that. Maybe.
Then if that fails, I will make him show me the texts. Then I will know. Even if they are deleted, that would be answer enough for me. And if I have to force his hand to that point, unless I really do see innocent texts, that will be it. Enough TT. Enough lying. Enough trying to protect himself.

Still haven't talked. He came home drunk last night. Nice, just drunk. I start shaking every time I think about this talk. I'm so scared. I hope I can stick to my guns. I suck at confrontations, he excels at them. I back down, he gets his hackles up. He twists words and avoids questions. I don't see the holes in his answers until the next day, you know? Aarg. so nervous. Just gotta do it :)


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there Virginia,

How are you? Have you managed to ask him what you wanted to?

I hope you are doing okay.... Give us an update when you have the chance. Just worried about your next step. This is hard stuff. We are here to support you through it!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Virginia, I identify so strongly with what you are feeling about the confrontation. I am also confrontation-averse--extremely. I also got the shakes just thinking about The Talk.

What helped me was rehearsing it in my mind over and over, getting straight what I wanted to say, the approach I would take. By the time I confronted him, my voice was shaking somewhat, but I was cold and relentless in my interrogations. I did not get sidetracked by his comments (stalling for time). Just answer the question, I kept saying. You did not answer my question. I was a broken record. I badgered him mercilessly and he broke down in sobs and confessed. (I cried, too, but much later in the interrogation. I had already cried so much just thinking of it.)

And you know what? As hurtful as it was, as much as it plunged me into the deepest despair I have ever known, on another level it was a relief to know the truth. It also made me feel strong. Since he was remorseful, took full blame, and wanted to R, I knew that I was basically calling the shots for the first time in our marriage.

So I wish you much courage--whether you've already had the talk, or whether it is still to come. We are all with you.

And you might discover that there is a good explanation for those texts and calls.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Virginiagirl
♀ Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the help! Can't even explain how much it means... But I guess everyone that is here understands.

I haven't had "the talk". Sometimes it's been because he's had drinks; other days I have chickened out. I keep waiting for the right time but... Easy to talk myself out of it. Finally at least have told him we need to pick a time to sit & talk... Was shaking even doing that!

Then today, his day off, he started drinking alone at 11:00. Football, you know. Perfect excuse. He's having another lovely afternoon nap now. 😡

I know I will feel better once I get this done. I am a ball of nerves. Just gotta take the plunge & do it!! Thanks for all the support here!!


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Topic Posts: 20

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.