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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dreading Christmas phone calls with family
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH! Tomorrow is the traditional phone calls with family nightmare that I dread every year. I dread it because my family is the kind of family that delights in telling me how I should think & feel about everything, and then tells me how the way I actually do think & feel is wrong. Then I'm asked what I do for fun or whatever and then I feel like total shit because I'm not in a position right now to have fun, frivolous activities.

I'm already an emotional, blubbering mess. Christmas is a big trigger time for me, this year is especially hard. I don't want to talk to my family tomorrow.

That's all. I just needed to say out loud that I don't want to talk to my family tomorrow, that I don't like the holiday phone calls.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9657 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Nature_Girl))

Holidays are extra hard.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally relate! My parents have no idea what I'm going through so I also feel like I'm lying to them! I'm dreading the phone calls and then the visit later this week!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's how I feel about Christmas phone calls:


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9657 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate it too!! My dad asked me today if he should write about my divorce in the family Christmas letter. Ummm....thanks, all good on that.

A wise friend of mine told me that when someone asks a question that they are trying to disguise as well-meaning (but is hurtful or rude or just none of their damn business) to reply with a neutral "why do you ask?" It's brilliant really. Puts the onus back on them to explain why they want to know. Plus it gives you a second to regain composure and give an answer. You will get through it!!


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got mine over with today -- I tend towards a strategy of sticking the kids in front of the camera on Skype and letting them make faces and jump around and tell endless pointless stories that don't go anywhere while I poke my head in once awhile with a "oh these kids" expression and avoid all actual content. It seemed to work reasonably well.

I'm not minimizing the distress NG. It sucks, I know it. I just practice faking (and lately -- actually having!) confidence, being as vague as I possibly can, and get it out of the way as quickly as I can so I can get back to living my life the way I need to for me. I hope it goes well for you.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs girl. I'm so damn proud of you. You should get a medal for the fire you've walked through to get where you are today. You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure many other people.

I guess my advice would be to be strong, act fine, perhaps turn the questions around on them, then have an "emergency" requiring your immediate attention. If these people aren't supportive and amazed that you're still standing up straight after what you've been through, no need to waste too much on them. Spend this special day with your kids and have a blast. You've earned it.

Merry Christmas.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2237 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if you could turn up some Christmas music, answer on speaker phone, and tell them to chatter away, but you are busy baking, playing the new WII game, or sewing or whatever busy activity fits. The fact that they don't have your undivided attention might discourage long, heart felt dissertation on your life, theirs and several "WHAT?? sorry my ears are stopped up..." could keep it short??

If you end up having to just endure... ugh. My sympathies. (((hugs)))

btw, go to the NPD thread and make sure you see jj's homage to Christmas. I LOVE your line especially.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5816 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
hangingonin
♀ Member
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Nature_girl))
This time of year is horrible. Writing Christmas cards has been hard for me. That and having almost daily phone calls from an elderly aunt who has dementia, who keeps asking 'has he left you' - no I kicked him out!!! Here's hoping it will get easier.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I know it's tough, but you can do it!!

If you are the one doing the calling...don't this year. If they truly want to wish you a Merry Christmas, they will call you. If they stick to happy things, talk away. If they start asking about other stuff, just say, I don't wish to talk about that today. Today is about my kids. Just keep repeating. They will eventually give up.

Just enjoy your day with the kids. Don't let others ruin it for you!!


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5477 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((NG))))))

I like peacelovetea's suggestion.
Or feigning a sickness or you are busy baking or whatever.

I'm sorry. Sometimes, family can just suck great big donkey ballz.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
NotFixable
♀ Member
Member # 41608
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got all of my phone calls over with. It wasn't quite as bad as I'd built it up in my mind to be, so hopefully yours won't be either. My family does ask some well meaning questions, but I'm able to say I'm not ready to discuss that. Or I use the excuse that my DD is nearby so I won't be expected to discuss WH. Good luck to you and I hope you get through unscathed!


Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 13 years
DD #1 03/12
DD #2 11/20/13
Status: Separated and planning D
___________________________________

Nowhere left to go but up!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Angry  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. That's it. Once again Christmas is fucked up for me. So I'm done. And I'm not going to answer a single GD phone call today. Done.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9657 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unplug the phone, NG.
It really is okay for you to NOT talk to the family today.
{{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8003 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
ItHappened2Me2
♀ Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NG))))


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've turned off the phone, and every Merry Christmas email I see is going into a folder to be read when I'm feeling better.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9657 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nature_Girl)))


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 17

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