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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It could be SO good!
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brighter Future- same thing here. I was supporting my XH while he was working a job making $13/hour. We always knew he would be making good money (he is a director for the news) but I never imagined when he finally "made it," he would forget all about me and our son. He left within two months of his first check. He left for a med student, who is almost ten years younger than him.

No matter the hue of his affair partner, he left his son. I think it really affects us because we see so many single black mothers and it is the "norm" in our community. I didn't want that for me or my family.
My XH's AP is from my country (Jamaica) and I think that hit me much harder than anything else. Like he was looking for a better version of me as she is a Med Student, who graduated from Cornell Unversity. After DDay he told me they have a stronger connection than he and I did.... Forget we been together 5 years and they been together a month. Forget we had a child together and they didn't. Forget we just got married and they just met...

I know he is constantly alone because she is busy as a third year med student... I have no idea what will happen to him when she starts her residency program and leaves him. I am studying to be a CPA and while I may never compare to her career as a doctor, I gave him love, support, and his first born. He bought her love with fancy dinners (that I never got because I met him a little after he got laid off from ESPN), expensive gifts and fantasy sex because they didn't live together nor had to pay bills.

We all have to understand that they cheat because of immaturity. Emotional immaturity. They definitely aren't thinking ahead and only satisfying their immediate wants. We are better, because we thought of the future. We just have to get use to them not in it.

Side note: I have to say, I am very impressed at the number of sisters here, seeking to be educated on this topic. The media depicts us horribly, like we are crazy, ghetto psychos who can't think logically. We aren't Love and Hip Hop, Basketball Wives, Wives of ATL and all those other shows. We are strong, intelligent and resilient women


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 635 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Catwoman. This guy has shown you your future with him by how he treats the past women in his life. I certainly don't know all the details of how he got behind in child support, but when you're making 6 figures you should be paying that support bill off. Not buying a house on the hill with your new wife and hiding assets. It speaks volumes about how he views women and the babies he makes with them.

You giving up the "grudge thing" would be great for one person and one person only. Him. He gets your 6 figure income to help subsidize his affairs.


Posts: 267 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl - yes we are climbing that hill right now. When we get to the top the view will be spectacular!

Catwoman and Charity - it's a funny thing about the child support. It's actually from an OC and how he got CAUGHT the second to last time. An OW from 2008 took him to court. He hid it from me but after he lost started hanging out again. He intended to hide the OC and CS forever but the court never sent him his payment coupons/where to send the CS and he wasn't proactive enough to ask. So they put the CS on his credit report just as we were getting the house so I saw it on the credit report. So he paid it (actually they took it from our account ) and they are taking it back off his credit since they never sent the stuff. But if it hadn't been on his credit I wouldn't have found out, so it felt like divine intervention. That was the first time I filed for D but then I decided to try one more time after DS ended up in the hospital the very next day... Anyway, I agree a guy that doesn't pay his CS is smarmy and I never would have let him do that. In fact I checked up on him to make sure he paid during false R. Oh and he wants NOTHING to do with OC, still says she may not be his cause he didn't do the paternity test. He's never met her. It made me mad but now I think she's lucky

Movingforward - hey, the Snake is Jamaican too (sorry!). In fact he has several wayward Jamaican friends and people told me recently that cheating is pretty culturally accepted in Jamaica? probably no more than here. Yeah, good luck to your ex, residency is crazy. The Snake used that and distance to explain his first A (that I caught anyway) and I believed him
I am happy to see all the sisters. I work in the ER and when I diagnose most sisters with STDs they seem not to care they have been cheated on


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
Hasn't moved out yet
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually yes, cheating is huge in Jamaica but I wouldn't say it is accepted... More like expected. That is why I refuse to date Jamaican men, (gross over generalization I know.) My father came to America with our family and started cheating with every women he could find, mainly white well off women. He used them. He was such a piece of shit. It makes me ashamed.
Then when I found out med girl was Jamaican, all I could think was she is either an idiot or using him. Me thinks she is using him- my XH is ten years older than her, she won't be living in the area long due to her upcoming residency, and he started their relationship flaunting money. Money he really doesn't have due to child support and $160K in student loans. I am sure she noticed that the money has dried up. Any way, enough about them...

Genuine people we are. We care, we love, and we get fucked over by those we love. But we are better off.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 10:47 AM, December 27th (Friday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 635 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. I may have a few questions about med school and residency if you don't mind. I am still trying to understand why a man, as needy for attention as my XH, would date a woman that barely has any time for him. Like I wonder what her schedule is daily as a third year med student and what could he possibly be getting from their relationship besides bragging about dating a soon to be doctor.

But then again, you can't understand crazy. I think he realizes now how bad he messed up but since I am not willing to rug sweep, he refuses to do the work to reconcile. I hope she is worth it.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 635 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a past OW took him to court for child support, he would have had an opportunity at that time to dispute paternity and request tests to prove such. If he did, then the child must have been proven to be his. If he didn't, he must have either gotten a default judgment or agreed he was the father.

So he thought to hide this from you? I assume you were already married at the time? If so, in my book, this is a double whammy--not coming clean with you and not paying child support.

Is he always so head-in-the-sand about difficult situations? If so, you probably cannot trust him to do the difficult work of reconciliation.

Unfortunately, since he had an existing C/S order, your COM will get less in support as a result

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29539 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movingforward13: You stated everything so beautifully and I agree with the points you've made.

They cheat because they are broken. They cheat because they feel entitled. My ex comes from a polygamous family, so to him and his family, cheating is ok. My dad was polygamous, we suffered as a result and I do not want that life for me or my children.

We will be ok. We will survive!


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movingforward sorry to hear about your dad. No offense to anyone but that was my first and last relationship with a Jamaican, cheating is prevalent enough without dipping into that population! I will PM you but basically how busy you are in med school depends on the school and clinical rotation. I would like to think I still had something to offer. Internship and residency are different though.

Catwoman - yes he agreed to default so he wouldn't have to furnish my info and risk me being notified and incorporated into CS calculations. Yes he is always head in the sand and that's why R the first time was pathetic and the subsequent times were even worse. I was silly to think he'd change just to stop hurting me yeah the CS is less but I don't really need it, mainly asking because I am paying thousands for a nanny and will have to pay him a lot to keep the house

BrighterFuture - we are surviving for now. Soon we will THRIVE


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
Hasn't moved out yet
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N/M-should have read ahead...

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 8:00 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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