Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: afwife75 (45694)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Drastic times call for drastic measures
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry for the suffering you and your family are going through. I wish you the strength of will and the clarity of mind to get to that place where you will be at peace with yourself and reconciled with your wife.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Last night has got to be the shittiest New Years Eve ever for me. I have never felt so utterly
alone, longing to be with my daughter and my BS. It was sooooo sad and I was so angry at
myself for getting to this point. I sat with those sad and angry feelings for hours, trying to
to experience it instead of just putting them aside. It was sad because it was sad, it was
frustrating because it was frustrating, no more, no less and I tried to stop beating myself up and
just feel the pain, saying these feelings will pass.

Once I let the feelings pass, I started to take stock of how the hell I got here. Here are some of the problems I found in my pattern

1. No Boundaries. I have to be aware of my limits and say no, that is no to my work, no to my stupid ego, and No to my BS. Its not bad to say no, its actually kind.

2. Not standing up for myself. Stop saying Yes and resenting it later, goes with the above.

3. Lack of awareness. Know what the hell I'm doing, not just mindlessly doing. Be a human-being not a human-doing so to speak. Not Thinking before doing.

4. Inconsiderate. Not considering the consequences of my actions. Not considering loved one's in my choices.

5. Lack of empathy. Ignoring my feelings and thus ignoring other's feelings.

6. Be honest. Don't Lie. Don't blurt out any old shit and back-peddle later, that's worst than lying. At least lying has some awareness.

Just to name a few.

I started with this list and told myself that I am going to apply corrective actions the next chance
I got.

Sure enough my BS calls me in the morning (I stayed at a Bed and Breakfast close by), pissed, tired and tells me to get my ass back home and take care of the baby. I am awake but still groggy, she asks me if I'm awake. I say yes, I tell her I will be there after I shower and check-out. She starts going at me about needing to shower, I start to back-peddle and say I don't need one, because she is getting really aggressive (from my perspective). I stop myself with the back-peddling and say, I need a shower. It was hot in the room last night and I need to wake myself up so that I can be aware and not just a zombie. She hangs up, pissed. I take my shower, I get my coffee and I text my BS saying I
want to help and if you want me there, if you can tolerate my presence, then I can be there ASAP.

So I considered her anger, her pain and knew she might want to just kill me if she saw me so I acknowledged that. Some time later she calls me and tells me to come over. I go ASAP back home, from the fire and into the frying pan. Its tense, its angry, its aggressive, but I stay calm. I couldn't reduce the tension, but I did not add. Insults came, I didn't add, I just saw the hurt and the pain and said to myself, "I did this, I made her hate me". I got through the day one chore after another, and as I put my daughter down for a nap, my BS said I had helped and she could tell I was not angry doing it. Fucking A, I got it right once.

So I see now that my BS is hypersensitive to my aggression level, so I really have to be at peace in order to pull it off, I can't just hide my resentment. It has to not exist. I have to be genuine.

Thanks for the help so far posters.

Wario

Having a better New Year



Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stop myself with the back-peddling and say, I need a shower. It was hot in the room last night and I need to wake myself up so that I can be aware and not just a zombie. She hangs up, pissed. I take my shower, I get my coffee and I text my BS saying I
want to help and if you want me there, if you can tolerate my presence, then I can be there ASAP.

So I considered her anger, her pain and knew she might want to just kill me if she saw me so I acknowledged that. Some time later she calls me and tells me to come over. I go ASAP back home, from the fire and into the frying pan. Its tense, its angry, its aggressive, but I stay calm. I couldn't reduce the tension, but I did not add. Insults came, I didn't add, I just saw the hurt and the pain and said to myself, "I did this, I made her hate me". I got through the day one chore after another, and as I put my daughter down for a nap, my BS said I had helped and she could tell I was not angry doing it. Fucking A, I got it right once.

Wow, just wow.
That sure is some mighty fine progress right there!
Keep at it, you're doing well.

Fucking A, I got it right once

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^You need to be mindful of this though. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Overall excellent job!

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:20 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put my daughter down for a nap, my BS said I had helped and she could tell I was not angry doing it.
If you haven't already done so I'd thank your BS for her acknowledgment.
Keep it up.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4071 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wario, I am not quoting anything from your last post, because all of it was fantastic!! Great job!

One question - how did it feel to know that you had such an effect on your BS, and that she told you that you had helped?

You're very focused on what makes you feel badly, in order to get to the bottom of your issues. I would think it is important to focus on what feels good, too?

Congrats on such a great breakthrough and the efforts you put into it. Really, great job.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the encouragement.

Yes SlowUptake, I'm not going to let it go to my head and slack off, thanks for the warning.
Thanks Brandon808 for the reminder to thank my BS for the feedback, I realize it takes a lot to
see the positive change. I did thank her after I read your suggestion.
And thanks for the encouragement painfulpast.

I got a chance to download the book suggested by 20WrongsVs1 called "Non-Violent Communication". I had my kindle read it to me on my drive to work. The first chapters opened my eyes to the situation I had created at home. I had made the home very Violent, it was not physically violent, but it was
aggressive. I think I gave off a resentful vibe and the stress from work just came off as anger.
I think my BS recognized that I did not have any anger or resentment doing things yesterday. However, I couldn't have done it without resentment, unless I had awareness and some sense of empathy for what was going on.

I hope things will improve as I become more aware and empathetic.

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my BS recognized that I did not have any anger or resentment doing things yesterday. However, I couldn't have done it without resentment, unless I had awareness and some sense of empathy for what was going on.

This is so good.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:50 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is awesome, wario! I'm really happy for you, man. The feeling of actually getting one in the win column is pretty amazing for everyone involved. Especially after all the pain. It's a great feeling to be there and helping and seeing the effects on our spouses. I can't think of a better feeling in the world. Consistency is hard, especially after a life time of habit.

One thing did jump out at me about your post though.

"1. No Boundaries. I have to be aware of my limits and say no, that is no to my work, no to my stupid ego, and No to my BS. Its not bad to say no, its actually kind.

2. Not standing up for myself. Stop saying Yes and resenting it later, goes with the above."

Comes across to me, especially since it's the first thing you thought of(?) as repressed anger issues. I honestly deal with them myself. I would be incredibly careful with these in your interactions with you wife. It can be a minefield.

The other four things you listed are spot on (and honestly, it feels like we have the same playbook). What you said about being genuine always really resonated with me. It's something I struggle with.

I hope tomorrow is even better for you.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger and resentment are so hard to deal with. They can destroy whatever we do to reconcile. It is good that you are able to recognize those moments and step back and say I am angry. That gives us time to think things through and realize the possible outcomes for what we want to do next. In my case I do not blow up in rage but become cold and communicate without empathy. I need to step back as you have and tell myself that each time it happens. It is not easy but it does make a big difference. I am glad you are able to do it. Be safe that way and be free.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. No Boundaries. I have to be aware of my limits and say no, that is no to my work, no to my stupid ego, and No to my BS. Its not bad to say no, its actually kind.

2. Not standing up for myself. Stop saying Yes and resenting it later, goes with the above.

Comes across to me, especially since it's the first thing you thought of(?) as repressed anger issues

@Tesseract.

If I may.
Being a conflict avoider myself, I can relate.

@wario
Sure does build a lot of resentment doesn't it.
Does take a while to realise it's actually been your own fault all along.
One of the hardest things I've found to overcome was the saying 'Yes' to avoid the conflict.
It does get easier over time the more you say 'No'.
Just be careful you don't let the pendulum swing too far the other way, where you become a 'No' man all the time as opposed to 'Yes' man all the time.
I find that if I do a lot of compromise communication as in, "Yea sure no problem, but I'm busy today, how's about tomorrow". or "No I can't right now, but I can tomorrow", you get the drift.
(This was a great tool suggested to me by my B.S., she knows me so well)

Again your doing great.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 4:36 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again SlowUptake and Tessaract for checking in on me.

I agree with you grains, resentment and anger shatter any good that gets put forward.

Its been a pretty rough 24 hours. When I think I'm ahead, I am actually still in the frying pan
and it seems like its getting hotter. But I think it has to get that way because more honest and
genuine feelings are coming out for BS and I. Its so freaking draining, especially for my BS.
We spent like 4 hours talking today about. She was trying to explain to me how deeply hurt she is
and how much damage I have done. That there is no going back, our relationship is broken forever.

These are the kind of talks I used to try to avoid and spent so much energy fighting about. There
are so many times today that I misspoke but I tried not to back-peddle. To really listen and
to rephrase what she told me so I was sure I communicated to her that I got it. It was brutal
and at the end I'm not sure if we are going to make it. However, I told her that I wanted to
help, to not add to her pain, but to take some of that suffering away, even if it means we may be
divorced. That this, the listening and the good will comes with no strings attached.

At this point, I'm trying to show my BS remorse.I hope she believes me and grows to trust me, just a little more.

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today, I discovered that having the infidelities on my mind does not necessarily mean the day will
go to the dogs. I use to literally avoid the thought of my infidelities and when my BS would
bring it to mind or express to me that it was on her mind, I would retreat in fear, frustration,
anger and some resentment.

I guess what I was telling her is that I was dismissing it, minimizing it or invalidating her pain and suffering. Today, it came up as we had lunch and one of those awkward silent moments came up, she just told me it was on her mind. I took it in and just said calmly, "I'm sorry". No anger
no retreating. We then continued on.

Its getting easier to catch myself now, I'm becoming more aware of what is going on and I'm feeling the suffering my BS is trying to communicate to me.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay open to the journey. There are going to be lots of places where the path will try to split off and double back, or rocks will make the road uncomfortable to walk on, or you may have to hold your nose and wade through a stinking mud pit, but keep walking.

May I give you a small suggestion?

I took it in and just said calmly, "I'm sorry". No anger no retreating.

That's good. Very good owning and acknowledging the moment and feeling. Let me suggest that the next time, you try this. Say why you're sorry. Contrast the two responses.

one of those awkward silent moments came up, she just told me it was on her mind

You, #1: "I'm sorry."

You, #2: "I'm sorry that you have to think about it. I'm the one that caused those thoughts to be in your head and that's unfair to you. Is there anything I can do for you is there anything that you need from me?"

Response #1 expresses an apology but also shuts the conversation down. Response #2 expresses a specific apology acknowledging your part in bringing the hurt to her, and leaves it open ended. That way she can continue to express her pain, if needed, she can ask you for something specific, or if her expressing that it was on her mind is all she needed, it validates her expression of pain.

I know that when my FWH expresses a specific apology and invites me into sharing, I find it more reassuring.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5063 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Skan said X2


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Skan for that very helpful piece of advice.

As I said "I'm sorry" and sat with it, I thought "I caused all this, man she has to live with this
constantly. That sucks. I wish I hadn't been unfaithful." However, it just ended with the thoughts I couldn't put it into words yet. Thanks for helping me with the next step Skan.

I think I'm going to work on my communication skills with my IC and get past the awareness phase. Figure out what holds me back from saying something more, its probably fear that I'm going to say the wrong thing and it will all go south so fast. I guess I have to face that fear and move on so that I can do some healing.

Tomorrow I tell the guys at work I'm taking a couple of months off.

Wish me luck,

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetness and light and magic fairy dust

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:24 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously Daisy? How is that at all helpful?

Wario, going along with Skan, have you read How to help your spouse heal after your affair? It was very helpful for my husband to see that I needed specific apologies. I highly recommend it for that and with empathy.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice Skan

I guess I have to face that fear and move on so that I can do some healing.

There is a lot of great awareness in that statement. Facing fear and trying to overcome it for healing is important no matter what side of the fence you are on (WS/BS)

Good luck tomorrow Wario


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I hope it is not, if he really wants to R. But if my husband told me that every single facet of our marriage had been an utter failure, then I would really wonder if I should continue to try.
Kind of like a hamster spinning in wheel.

I understand that it is likely lashing out, but I take people at their word. I wonder too, if this BW is not trying to tell her WH that she is over the whole thing too.

It is a valid point.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 8:19 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 5:03 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy,

You have a PM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38616 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 133
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.