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User Topic: Drastic times call for drastic measures
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After which my wife told me she pisses on everything that I am and everything that I have done.

If this is what your BS actually said, and I stress IF.

Your lack of empathy is not the only serious problem in your marriage.

Why did she not say this during the MC session? It would have been an opportunity for frank discussion.
Or does she not like being seen as the one with an issue, since everything must be your fault.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or does she not like being seen as the one with an issue, since everything must be your fault.

That is really unfair. You have no idea (nor do I) of what happened in MC that may have upset her. Add to that what we witness here - again, bare minimum, one post per day, not interested in discussions with other members, just doing what was directed (one post per day), etc., and 6 years of small steps only, I'm sure the frustration level is high.

wario, I am sorry that the words chosen were harsh. It sounds as if she is still extremely frustrated, and feels like, despite you agreeing to 'one post per day' and staying home for 100 days, there is still something missing, and your wife is frustrated, extremely.

How does she feel about your actions for the past week? Does she read your posts here? Or is that about you?

Please wario, ask her if the 'one post per day' was to get you to read some other comments and perhaps engage in discussions, or if it was simply to come here, make a post, and leave?

Speaking only about my sitch, if I had asked my WH to come here once per day and post, if he were posting as you were, ignoring posters' questions designed to get you to dig deeper, not discussing specific acts that have transpired, etc., I would view that as almost mocking my request. Again, that's how I would see it. I'm not speaking as your wife, but it may be worth a talk?

Also, aside from staying home, and coming here once a day, what else has changed?

I am sorry that your wife chose those words. I'm sure they hurt, and that can make a person withdraw more instead of come out.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 6:04 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is really unfair. You have no idea (nor do I) of what happened in MC that may have upset her. Add to that what we witness here - again, bare minimum, one post per day, not interested in discussions with other members, just doing what was directed (one post per day), etc., and 6 years of small steps only, I'm sure the frustration level is high.

wario, I am sorry that the words chosen were harsh. It sounds as if she is still extremely frustrated, and feels like, despite you agreeing to 'one post per day' and staying home for 100 days, there is still something missing, and your wife is frustrated, extremely.

How does she feel about your actions for the past week? Does she read your posts here? Or is that about you?

Please wario, ask her if the 'one post per day' was to get you to read some other comments and perhaps engage in discussions, or if it was simply to come here, make a post, and leave?

Speaking only about my sitch, if I had asked my WH to come here once per day and post, if he were posting as you were, ignoring posters' questions designed to get you to dig deeper, not discussing specific acts that have transpired, etc., I would view that as almost mocking my request. Again, that's how I would see it. I'm not speaking as your wife, but it may be worth a talk?

Also, aside from staying home, and coming here once a day, what else has changed?

I am sorry that your wife chose those words. I'm sure they hurt, and that can make a person withdraw more instead of come out

^^^^^^^This is exactly how I'm reading this thread, too.

My ex did this absolute bare minimum thing. He did it so he could say he was doing what he was supposed to be doing (or not doing). But it was clear he greatly resented doing anything. He never went beyond the absolute bare minimum. Never stepped up and came up with actions, responses or behaviors on his own. He was only going though the motions. I felt such pain & resentment because of this, knowing that our marriage wasn't worth any additional effort on his part. Anytime I mentioned this at home, anytime it was brought up in MC, he could loudly & indignantly claim, "But I'm doing what you asked! What more do you want of me?"

I find it interesting that the OP indulged in emotional affairs. I'm wondering if the OP's BW would like to see the OP invest in her/the marriage the same kind of passion & emotions that he invested in the EA's and his work.

I also find the title of this thread interesting. Drastic times, yes. The marriage may end in less than 100 days. But drastic measures? Okay, going on a hiatus from work is drastic. How about some drastic measures related to self-work and marriage rescue? How about doing more than the absolute bare minimum and engage with the members here in a dynamic, meaningful, engaged and frequent way?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9319 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@painfulpast

We WS's need to own our actions.
It's part of being authentic.
In no way do I absolve wario of his piss poor effort so far.

However when a BS says


After which my wife told me she pisses on everything that I am and everything that I have done. That I have disappointed her in every way possible. Humanly, relationship wise, as a boy-friend as a husband, and even professionally.

Straight out of a MC session where grievances should be aired. Don't you think a BS should own their actions?
Or is being a BS a free pass forever from being a bitch? (I admit close to DDay it actually is a free pass)

If WS said those words to a BS you and others (including me) would be berating them till the cows came home. Why the double standard? Is it because we WS's deserve it?

Please remember this couple is 6 years out from DDay and this is the BS's goto place when trying to reconcile.
Shoot me down if you wish, but I maintain his lack of empathy and effort are not the only serious problem in the marriage.


Just something to ponder.YMMV.

ETA: This is all based again on IF this is what she said.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:30 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wario, how did you feel when she said that? Those were some pretty harsh words. Congratulations for not returning fire.

Are you planning to speak with her about it? If you've read the NVC book, this is a good opportunity to try on some empathy techniques. You could say something like this...

When you said I've been a disappointment to you for our entire M, I felt hurt and rejected, and for the first time...I finally realized how hurt and rejected you must have felt by my infidelity. It hit me like a punch in the gut, the pain I caused you, and I can't begin to imagine how deep your hurt is. I am so sorry I hurt you, you did not deserve that. I can't change the past, but I really want to work now to connect with my feelings. Thank you for giving me this last chance.

You are allowed to feel hurt by what she said. You're allowed to feel angry! But, take care not to attributed the source of your anger to your BW's words. I'm making this up for you, but...when she said that, you felt angry because part of you agrees with her. You've been a complete failure and disappointment as a husband. You feel guilty and ashamed, because of your actions, not because of her words.

How was the actual MC session?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the double standard? Is it because we WS's deserve it?

You mean we don't?

t/j
I always cringe a bit when new SI members make their first posts without a stop sign. Some BSs who are still in a great deal of pain, even if they mean well, project their WS onto the OP and displace their anger. When I see it, I worry that the WS will not feel safe and supported here, and that they'll leave because they're feeling ganged up on.
end t/j

I'm seeing a lot of concern and empathy for Mrs. Wario in this thread. This is not Mrs. Wario's thread. It's Wario's. Yeah, he was pretty petulant at the start, but he's starting to open up. Let's demonstrate empathy for Wario, and express some concern for his feelings.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SlowUptake!

You wrote:

Straight out of a MC session where grievances should be aired. Don't you think a BS should own their actions?
Or is being a BS a free pass forever from being a bitch? (I admit close to DDay it actually is a free pass)

She absolutely should own her actions. I think the wording was poor, and I stated that. If she was frustrated by something that occurred in MC, she should have addressed it in the session, or brought it up in a better manner after the session if that is when she decided that she did want to discuss it. Anyone can think about something and then, at a later time, decide they would like to address it.

Again, we have no idea what was said in MC. We don't know if things were said that were extremely upsetting to BW, or if the MC wouldn't let her say what was on her mind as he was 'addressing the issue with WH'. We simply do not know why she was upset, or why she waited to bring it up.

We know that the words used were completely inappropriate, and weren't designed to help resolve an issue, but instead were designed to punish wario by hurting him. That's wrong, and causes more harm, not less. Yes, she needs to own that.

What I felt was unfair was the comment that 'everything has to be your fault' in response to wario's post. That, to me, is reading too much into the comment. Without all the facts we do not know that this is the case. As you said, it's 6 years out. That doesn't sound to me like this is a woman that isn't interested in working through this, or is only interested in blaming. It sounds like a woman that is extremely frustrated, and after 6 years who wouldn't be?

Without knowing more, and wario so far has shown little interest in really sharing with the members here, or engaging, or anything else, so we have no idea if that is really her outlook. That was my only point.

Again - own what she said? Absolutely. Assuming she believes she is always innocent and that she thinks the entire world's problems are because of wario? That, imo, was unfair. That's all.

EDIT: Thanks to 20WrongsVs1, I noticed you asking about WSs 'deserving' harsh treatment. No, you do not deserve harsh treatment. If R is going to happen, then both sides need to step away from the insults and blaming, and start working towards R. it took me some time to realize that in my own life - but that is where I am now. This is why I was so critical of the words she used and commented that the comment itself must have hurt, and produced the opposite of the desired effect of opening up. The comment was inappropriate, wrong, not right, negative, etc. I do NOT agree with her making such a comment.

I do NOT believe remorseful WSs deserve' to be treated with less respect than a BS. Please don't ask my opinion on a nonremorseful WS, or a nonremoreful anything. if a person causes harm or pain to another and is completely without care or concern afterwards, they won't receive much respect from me. The WSs here are all working hard and trying to heal themselves, their spouse, their family. There is a great deal in that to be respected. A great deal.


t/j
I really appreciate your response, sincerely. I love having discussions about topics, particularly on the WS forum. This is where I really learn. I know what being a BS is all about. Learning more about the WS - the remorseful WS, that is - I find extremely interesting, and I absolutely love having discussions about various topics.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:00 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@painfulpast

What I felt was unfair was the comment that 'everything has to be your fault' in response to wario's post. That, to me, is reading too much into the comment. Without all the facts we do not know that this is the case.

On reflection, you are absolutely right.
I made an assumption. My sincere apologies.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely no apologies necessary. And I made an edit that I do hope you read.

Thanks!!


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mean we don't?

Most assuredly we do. At first

After 6 years, not so much.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:58 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your posts. I only got to a wifi hotspot now.

Let me clarify things. My BS did not actually say she "pisses on everything" that is a summary for the talk that went on when we got home after our MC session. The MC session is not long enough for this. The key here is that is what I felt. That is the message that came across when she tried to explain to me how utterly disappointed she was in choosing me as her life partner (we have been together for a little over 20 years). Basically telling me from my choices in choosing my profession to my cheating to my lack of effort and remorse, its just been nothing but disappointment. I thought that from a professional standpoint I was doing alright, but apparently that's a disappointment too. She outlined a vision of what my profession would be like after I graduated and its the polar opposite to what I have now, although I like what I'm doing from a professional point of view. So to be told that almost
everything you've done in your adult life is a mistake, that is getting pissed on.

Now that is just the start. Because this was some difficult shit to process, for me, it took me a while to formulate my daily post. Like I said in my unfinished post, I was trying to sit with it and understand the despair and sadness of all this. I didn't end up not posting on time, thus breaking my promise. So after putting my toddler to bed, and thinking, ah f*&ck I need to get that post done, I crashed and woke up at 2:00am. So I blew the deadline and added more fuel to the
fire by posting a very unfinished post, that I am continuing today. After looking back at the day, I was extremely busy and instead of work, there were other things that I tended to before I spent time on my post, like my daughter, cooking, family, the "low cost" behaviors. I should have admitted to myself there was a resistance to post because it was difficult, ask
my wife for help (i.e. take care of my daughter for like half an hour) and just f&*cking post. But I let it go saying I will do it later when she goes to sleep.

My BS was livid when she read that post at 2:00am. Her take was that I broke my promise to post, that I was victimizing myself and blaming her for my lack of empathy. Let me ask, "Is that what comes across?"

She's trying to cool down now but it's New Year's Eve and I'm in the doghouse.

I went to IC today, he asked me "What is the point of posting?", "Are the posts for you, or for her?", "Are they honest expressions of your feelings?", "Do you edit them because they are being read by your spouse?" He asked me to clarify things with my BS because there is a certainty that she will not agree with what you write. That, these posts should not be a source of more stress. So know what they are for and establish some agreed boundaries on what you write.

I think that I'm posting as a means of tracking my progress, but with feedback from a support forum. That I can express my feelings honestly and get help. I guess I do this under the knowledge that my BS is reading but that the help I get overrides the risk from pissing her off if "I write the wrong thing".


That's what I have for now,

Wario

P.S. I don't feel I'm ignoring other posters, I read each one and try to take what I can from them. I don't think every poster
expects me to personally respond to all their questions.

[This message edited by wario at 3:39 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. I don't feel I'm ignoring other posters, I read each one and try to take what I can from them. I don't think every poster
expects me to personally respond to all their questions.

Actually, yes. It's been my experience that it usually works that way here. You are certainly free to respond or not.

I wish you and your wife luck wario, but I don't feel that there is much for me to offer here, Best wishes in the new year.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 5:08 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to be told that almost everything you've done in your adult life is a mistake, that is getting pissed on.

Your wife says everything you've done in your adult life is a mistake. How do you feel about that? Embarrassed, angry, sad, annoyed...?

Let me paraphrase something from my recent empathy thread. Star Trek IV, the movie, Spock's regaining his memory from being regenerated (or whatever) and he's got three computers quizzing him on obscure facts and ridiculously complex math problems, and he's firing back flawless answers. The computer then says....

How do you feel?

Spock says he doesn't understand the question. The computer repeats,

How do you feel?

Spock says, My feelings are irrelevant.

Your feelings are relevant, Wario. How do you feel? "Getting pissed on" isn't a feeling. Drop your walls and connect with your feelings. Just take care not to vent the negative ones at your wife.

painfulpast, last I checked, SI is about advice and support. Yet you've offered Wario mostly judgment and criticism. Why?

You don't really answer any of them, either. You just talk.

Wario has acknowledged and thanked several members, including you, for their advice. He's answered questions, including in his last post.

Actually, yes. That's generally how it works here.

You're the arbiter of "how SI works" now? And to me, "I don't feel that there is much to offer here," translates to, "This isn't the place for you. Shove off." That is dismissive, not supportive.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sincere apologies. I said 'generally' because, from what I've seen, most of the time there is a back and forth. So, generally. I was not trying to 'give rules', and I apologize if it was taken that way.

By not much to offer, I meant by me, not for wario. I would never presume to know what another person could get from this site, or any other.

Thank you for the opportunity to clarify. Again, I meant absolutely no disrespect, and I apologize as it appears to have been perceived as such. That was never my intention.

EDIT - I have edited my post, in hopes of it more clearly stating what my meaning was. My "good luck" statement was sincere. I was not clear enough on other parts, so I have edited. Thank you again for the opportunity to clarify. I would hate for any member to think I was saying things the way that it was being interpreted.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 5:10 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're the arbiter of "how SI works" now?

Sorry 20WrongsVs1, IMHO, your out of line.

Here's why.

We have established that wario will not express his feelings on this thread.

You keep going with the direct approach of asking him to express his feelings, it's not working.

The object of asking wario questions is a more sublte way of determining his feelings based on his answers.

It is a proven & effective process for those people who have difficulty expressing feelings.

Unfortunately wario is continuing to be arrogant, stubborn, or just doesn't want to put in the effort, take your pick, by not answering the questions.

Someone who is truly here for guidance would answer the questions. All of them, not just cherry pick a couple.

It is just more evidence that wario is here to placate his BS's demand that he post.

Compliance versus remorse.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:42 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well its New Year's Eve and I can't come home.

I managed to read 20WrongsVs1's post on my tiny Blackberry and have caught a friendly wifi signal so I can transmit.

What I'm feeling at this point and time is

Complete abandonment, rejection, frustration, despair and a deep sadness. I try to picture my angry wife, and my cute little daughter smiling at me and I feel so completely ashamed and sad. I have fucked up my whole life, I have let it get to this point and I am so mad at myself for letting it happen. I hate myself for not seeing, yes at age 18 that not having boundaries with a girlfriend was only going to piss
my future wife off. That going on dates with girls I met at work and whereever in my 20s was unfaithful. That lying to my fiancee about it and not telling her before I got married was a bad idea. That flirting with some young girl a few years ago was bad no matter how shitty I felt about myself in grad school after I was married.

I realize that my wife has felt the way I do now for the past 6 years. And on top of feeling, abandoned, rejected, sad, frustrated, she also feels so anxious because the closest person she lives with is literally unbelievable. I
understand that she finds me inhuman and at times feels disgusted with herself for being with such a person.

I am trying to find a way to convince her that I do not ever want her to feel this way again. That I am truly sorry. I know that I am so ill-equipped that I keep on f*&king up trying to get this message across. Tripping over in anger, trying to run away from these feelings. Even if
it is too late, I want my BS to know I am sorry and that I feel utterly miserable for putting her through this.

I wish her peace and good night's rest for New Years.

Wario

P.S. Sorry SlowUptake you are out of line. Do not dictate my timetable for me to express my feelings. You have no idea how much shit I have on my plate, how much fucking baggage I have and I am fully aware that have not fully disclosed my situation which may lead you jump to conclusions. But chill out on the judgement, weren't you a WS once as well (empathy, compassion, REMEMBER). Thanks 20WrongsVs1 for the push, I needed that.


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wario)))

I'm very sorry you are in this situation. Regardless of anything else, you had just started your 100 days, and now you've been cut off after a week it seems. That must be very frustrating.

I had said I felt I had nothing to offer, but I wanted to offer support at this time. I'm very sorry you're feeling so down. Please remember, no one can change their past, but any one of us has the power to change us from this point forward. I hope your wife continues to try R with you.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But chill out on the judgement, weren't you a WS once as well

Not was, am.
My BS has not given me the gift of 'former' yet.

weren't you a WS once as well

Yes and as such I know bullshit when I see it.

You have no idea how much shit I have on my plate, how much fucking baggage I have

Now we see something, have you always had this victim mentality?
(Sorry I know that's another question)[Not being sarcastic]

With that being said.


What I'm feeling at this point and time is

Complete abandonment, rejection, frustration, despair and a deep sadness. I try to picture my angry wife, and my cute little daughter smiling at me and I feel so completely ashamed and sad. I have fucked up my whole life, I have let it get to this point and I am so mad at myself for letting it happen. I hate myself for not seeing, yes at age 18 that not having boundaries with a girlfriend was only going to piss
my future wife off. That going on dates with girls I met at work and whereever in my 20s was unfaithful. That lying to my fiancee about it and not telling her before I got married was a bad idea. That flirting with some young girl a few years ago was bad no matter how shitty I felt about myself in grad school after I was married.

I realize that my wife has felt the way I do now for the past 6 years. And on top of feeling, abandoned, rejected, sad, frustrated, she also feels so anxious because the closest person she lives with is literally unbelievable. I
understand that she finds me inhuman and at times feels disgusted with herself for being with such a person.

I am trying to find a way to convince her that I do not ever want her to feel this way again. That I am truly sorry. I know that I am so ill-equipped that I keep on f*&king up trying to get this message across. Tripping over in anger, trying to run away from these feelings. Even if
it is too late, I want my BS to know I am sorry and that I feel utterly miserable for putting her through this.

Well done (((wario))), a breakthrough! (I'm not being sarcastic)

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you needed it to get you out of your malaise.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:28 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 8:16 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone -

Let's get this thread back on track and give Wario the support he asked for. Please step away from this thread if you feel you are unable to post accordingly.

Thank you.


Posts: 33994 | Registered: Mar 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wario,
Thousands of people enter marathons every year. The vast majority have no hope of winning in terms of crossing the finish line first. They win by finishing the race.

Regardless of how your BW feels today please keep on keeping on. It will be worth it for your own sake.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3670 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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