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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Um, wow
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay so I have said repeatedly that I plan on waiting a year from when my divorce is final to begin dating. So that means around February 2015. It's a self-inflicted timeline that I have put into place for my own safety and to make sure I give myself enough time to heal and renovate whatever about my wiring, etc. needs it to make me a better me.

And I get a friend request on FB a couple of weeks ago from a guy named Jay that I went to high school with. We hung out back in the day, never more than friends. I've always thought he was a good guy. Lost touch with him around 2005.

And he and I have been talking on FB a lot the last two weeks. We have more in common than I thought. He too was a BS and just went through a D. He too is not ready to date at all either. But, we have some common interests that we've decided to buddy up and participate in together and renew our hanging out as friends cause doing stuff by yourself all the time just sucks.

And I have to admit, it's nice to know someone who likes the same things that I do and who also doesn't feel comfortable wading immediately back into the dating scene. There's a comfort in being able to spend time with someone who a) I've known for years b)TOTALLY gets what's going on in my life right now and c)will not pressure me for anything more than friendship right now.

So, once my divorce is final, I think Jay and I are going to go to the mall and buy pretzel bites and people-watch and just be! And I'm looking forward to it.

And yes, I am paranoid and distrustful enough these days (thank you so so much STBX for that!) that I have managed to independently verify Jay's story (we grew up in a small town, 'nough said).

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 9:11 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Calli0pe
♀ New Member
Member # 41683
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so nice! The rebound thing can be super intense, but it's so nice to feel like someone understands where you're at.


Me: BS, 35
Him: WS, 37
Married 5.5 years, friends for 10 before that
D-Day: Nov 29 2013
"Massage" parlors & Casual Encounters
Working on R, not sure I can live with it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: North Texas
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, once my divorce is final, I think Jay and I are going to go to the mall and buy pretzel bites and people-watch and just be! And I'm looking forward to it.

Baby steps. I'm glad you are feeling hopeful again. Both of you need time to heal in order to do the next relationship "right" so remember to go slowly and take your time...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Content  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. I really do.

I have no romantic feelings for Jay, and I am deadly serious about protecting myself for that twelve month period. To the point that if I get any inclination that anyone is interested in more than friends I'll give them a polite but firm "no" and if they persist my conversations with them will cease. Cause if they don't respect that boundary, there's no reasonable expectation of them respecting any of the rest! You know?

That's one of the things looking back over my history that should have been obvious to me that just wasn't until I started IC due to STBX's A.
I have a history of not giving my heart time to heal from one hurt before I put it out there again. And also letting guys bulldoze my boundaries because I didn't want to be alone. I am SOOO Done with that!

But I also don't want to sit home alone in my bedroom all weekend every weekend either. It's not just Jay I've reconnected with and plan to do things with. We're trying to see how many of us are freed up on the same weekend to go do a ladies' night out playing bingo. And the next mixer for DHS grads will be sometime in March; we're going to try to do those once a quarter.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you've got a good plan, honey. Take care of yourself and enjoy the company.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25050 | Registered: Aug 2011
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just happy someone in my circle likes Auntie Anne's pretzel bites as much as I do!! STBX used to really give me a hard time about it. Then again, I really can't think of a whole lot of instances where he was NOT subtly being an ass.....

For me I guess distance = perspective, because I'm looking back through our time before and even before the A, he was manipulative and a liar....

Anyway - I am looking forward to sharing pretzel bites with somebody who appreciates them too!


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for taking the time to heal.... And yay for a true friend in Jay. Sending you healing vibes


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 637 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
SoHappyNow
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends can become more than friends.....I'm just saying'........

My friend became someone who "had feelings for me", then a date, then a lover and progressed right up through roommate/S.O. He just got down on bended knee and proposed to me in front of a delighted audience of friends and neighbors.......I did say yes.

Follow your gut and enjoy those pretzels.....


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Remarried 2/14/14, grief and joy....

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
JenniMay
♀ Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that sounds really nice! Lately I have been thinking about how nice it would be to have someone to just hang out with like you said.

Enjoy!


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 665 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Hit - Oh yea!!!! So very very pleased for you, that's wonderful!

Yeah, Jay's a good guy. Back in the day there was a guy that tried to sexually assault me at this party one time. Jay was at the same party and confronted the dude, called him out on it right in front of everybody. Jay got his ass kicked, but he stood up for me. And I've never ever forgotten it. He's just good people.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O...M...G...

So Jay and i are talking tonight and at one point he said something about what I've been calling my "12 month plan"; i.e. no dating until i get some healing and self-work done.

And he said "I totally respect and understand the need to work on some things first before you get back out there. I think its a good idea and you have my full support."

Then he said "and when you're ready to try dating - let me know, i wanna be first in line to ask you out."

I thought he didnt feel that way about me.

But he said, well, he does, but he also remembers the very first time we talked that i said i would not be ready to date anyone for quite a while. And he is willing to wait until i am ready; he said he's not going anywhere and that good things come to those who wait. He said he had no intentions of dating anytime soon either - until we started talking.

It's made for a kinda weird cocktail of awww and omg and scared as hell and grinning nonstop like a little kid.

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 11:31 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember to stick to your plan and take things slow.

That being said, I have a male friend who I dated back in my younger days.

We thought about dating after my divorce, even toyed with it a little bit. He was also single. Then we decided we were better as friends. He's turned out to be one of my best friends but that's how we started out before dating way back in the day.

You never know what your future holds.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4752 | Registered: Feb 2008
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sticking to the plan. To not take the time to make me a better me is a huge disservice to myself, and to anyone who's interested in a relationship with me as well.

Having said that...I have to admit I am looking forward to the day that I feel settled within myself enough to find out what kissing him feels like. Something tells me it will be brilliant

He makes me smile. He's working 6p - 6a at the well site the next week or so. I woke up this morning to find a message from him that he sent at 4:30 this morning. It said "good morning beautiful, hope you slept well and have a great day." and it had a picture of one of the minions from Dispicable Me with the whole Carmen Miranda thing going on - Big old stack of fruit on its head like a hat. Cracked me up.

He just... sigh... he so makes me smile. My mom commented the other day that she's not seen me truly smile in two years. And she's telling me to go for it, just go slow. Told her she's right in line with all my wonderful SI'ers!

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 9:49 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix

Don't mean to play devil's advocate here but you might want a guy's opinion here. Believe me I think it's great you found someone to be close to and think about. But IMO reading your posts you've already fallen for him, or already on the way. Probably in the same way he's falling for you. Men don't generally text at 4:30am, work or no work, unless they are thinking (or hoping) the relationship progresses somehow. From your description I doubt you will wait 16 months to kiss him. He's already awakened something in you I think. It's like you said, you've had a history for moving quickly out of one relationship and emotionally into another.

Are you 100% sure it isn't already happening? I probably know less about women than the next guy, but in my years I do know this. No woman fantasizes about what it's like to kiss a guy if she isn't emotionally invested at some level...just sayin. Be carefully aware. Feelings have a way of creeping up on you.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sean. OMG. great timing.

Seriously.

I was just sitting here quite honestly freaking out a little bit about all this. Okay - I am actually freaking out A LOT about this.

I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I am NOT READY for this. I am just not ready for Jay. Or anyone else for that matter. I was thinking maybe a 12 month plan was too long. Now I'm wondering if it's long enough.

I want to be happy. I truly do. And Jay is brilliant. But I want to be a HEALTHY happy. One that's built over time with baby steps so I know that it's solid and real. Not another whirlwhind that leaves destruction behind in its wake. Again. And breaks my heart. Again.

I am scared to death guys. What do I do? I feel so....bipolar right now...

I don't want to miss out on a possibly great thing with Jay because i'm too fearful of opening myself up and taking a chance again.

But I also don't want to jump too soon and it crashes and burns and I get hurt again either.

He says he's determined to hold me to the 12 month plan, whether I like it or not, because he knows I need time to heal. He knows how raw I am. He says he's willing to wait for me to be ready.

What do I do??

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 2:12 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
hurtneedshealing
♀ New Member
Member # 41820
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds very nice and your plans are wise. Maybe God knows you both need a friend for this time to process the pain. Happy new year and much blessing to you.


Betrayed spouse recently divorced after 25 years of marriage. Hurting and doing the hard work of healing.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2013
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice is to first get your business done and finalize your divorce. Just because you've filed doesn't mean it may not take another 6 months to complete, or longer. A lot of things can change and you still have a lot of emotions to process yet. So does he.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he's determined to hold me to the 12 month plan, whether I like it or not, because he knows I need time to heal.

These words are not in line with his actions of texting a "good morning beautiful" message.

It's your life, and one of the things I've learned from my years in the NB forum is that we frequently need to learn our own lessons about these types of things.

Good luck -- trust your gut. Make sure words match actions. Don't fall for love bombing. Heal. You don't want to fall into another relationship that is on par with the one that brought you here. Healing is essential. HUGS!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3317 | Registered: Dec 2011
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This from Tuesday: I
have no romantic feelings for Jay, and I am deadly serious about protecting myself for that twelve month period. To the point that if I get any inclination that anyone is interested in more than friends I'll give them a polite but firm "no" and if they persist my conversations with them will cease. Cause if they don't respect that boundary, there's no reasonable expectation of them respecting any of the rest! You know?

Then this on Saturday:

He just... sigh... he so makes me smile. My mom commented the other day that she's not seen me truly smile in two years. And she's telling me to go for it, just go slow.

Gently here, but this doesn't really sound like it came from the same person....romantic stuff in our heads, make us loose sight of our plans, you know. And not that that is bad, sometimes it can be good, but you need time to figure this out...time to be in your own head. Time to realize that you need/deserve/get to have as much time as you need. Because we don't really heal that quickly, even when we want to. And if Jay really understands this, he will respect "backing off" for a period of weeks or months.

What do I do??
So, maybe you need to set some firm guidelines. In order to keep you HEART in line with your head.

Start by asking him not to send "good morning beautiful" messages or other romantic/sweet things. Ask him to phrase his messages so that they have the same wording he would send to a guy friend. Agree to slow it down by talking to each other by phone once or twice a week, sending texts every other day, etc.

It is so tempting to "fall" into something like this because it feels so freaking good...I don't think you can really invest in healing unless you are invested totally in it. By being distracted by feelings of love and longing, you are more likely going to try to rush the healing that only comes with time and self work.

I too "knew" this, and broke my own guidelines and had a 6 month long relationship with a guy that started before I was divorced. (I remember when we met and he asked "how" single I was, I replied "You don't really want to know how newly single I am".)I don't think the relationship did me or him any harm, we are still friendly, but I wasn't in any way shape or form "healed". And I know that now, 3 years post DDay, I am so much healthier than I was 2 months post Dday when I started seeing that guy.

And, don't stop posting if you break your guidelines! It happens. We will still be here for you, no matter what happens. But try to be strong . Trust yourself to do what is right for you right now.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I love you. And I know that like the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future in that awesome Albert Finney movie "Scrooge", 'your purpose is to do me good.'

What I don't understand is why because I've opted to interact with a man who makes me smile that I'm getting the gentle but multiple 2x4's. Last I knew being able to genuinely laugh and smile again didn't mean someone's selling themselves out.

It's nice to see a 'good morning beautiful' text from someone who actually means it for a change, not just someone who's trying to pacify you so you'll stop randomly checking their phone to see if they're chasing strange again or not.

I am very well aware that I am not ready to date anyone; hell my divorce isn't even final yet. And neither is Jay; his was only final back in August. We were both betrayed. We both have work to do to repair our psyches. He knows my battle story and I his. Our stories are quite similar, and our wounds are similarly deep.

I won't sleep with someone I don't love. As Jay and I have no intentions of even entering a dating relationship yet much less anything serious, it's kinda hard to love at this point, so sex too is off the table. Did I say at one point that I wonder what kissing him would be like? Yes I did. But I also say that about Clay Matthews, the hottie Green Bay Packer and our totally built UPS driver that delivers stuff at my work. Doesn't mean i'm gonna do it.

I guess what I'm saying is - He's a friend y'all, one that makes me smile. Nothing wrong with that. The work I need to do on myself and for myself continues, because I need to be the best me I can possibly be. For myself, and eventually to bring forward into a relationship should I choose to have one. Will that relationship be with Jay? No clue. All I know is, I like smiling again.

So, again, love you guys. I know you're looking out for me, and I do appreciate it, greatly. But this ain't what you're worried/think it is.

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 10:14 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Topic Posts: 22
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