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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What are you going to give as a Christmas gift?
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far, my WW has shown remorse and is working on herself. She had a 6 long weeks A last winter. Dday was on September 30th when I found an old email. Between her A and Dday, she started IC by herself. Since Dday, she had IC every week, and we're having MC on a 2-3 weeks basis. She's been reading her 3rd books about the A. I see clearly that she wants to change.

So, here's my question. Each Christmas, I was giving her a Christmas gift that I was taking a lot of time to choose, a special gift. This year, even if I still love her, I don't even feel that I should buy her a gift. She had a PA and lied to me for a whole year, I think that she doesn't even deserve a lump of coal. When she saw that there was no gift for her under the Christmas tree, she even came to me saying that when I will give her a gift, she wants me to truly mean it.

So my question is : What are you going to do this Christmas?

I think I will only buy her a small gift so the children won't ask any questions.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you. The first thoughtful gift I gave my W was on her birthday in 2013, 2 years and 2 weeks after D-Day. (We're Jewish, so Christmas gifts aren't an issue for us.) And that was ballroom dance lessons for both of us, which I enjoyed more than she did.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same story! DDay Oct. 14,lied for 18 months, he says he wants R, we have both been to IC but won't start MC until after the holidays.

I'm still hurting badly, can't get enthusiastic about the holiday. I ordered for him the one gift he specifically wanted, but that's it. However, there are several gifts under the tree for me - I think he is probably over-compensating and doubt I'll be able to be properly gracious.

I can't help but have my doubts and suspicions about him. Since his affair was with a COW and they're still working together.

But Merry Christmas to you, Green Giant!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Nov 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so interesting. Last year was the first Christmas after my DDay. I could not remember what we did, until I looked at my journal and found that we went to Boston for a promotion ceremony for a friend of ours. It was on the USS Constitution (he's a military officer) and we had a private tour, then went to Mystic Seaport to spend the weekend touring. Guess that's a pretty good indicator of the shock of the first Christmas I could not remember all of this without looking at written words.

This year, we talked about what we wanted for Christmas and he told me that all he wanted was a specific book and a quiet day together to enjoy each other. So, that's what I have on store. I have the book, I have a card, need to wrap the book, and, well, I'll probably give him a quiet day AFTER he unwraps his other gift ... . Because I have a few bows, strategically placed, that ought to do the trick. And I know that the 2nd gift he wasn't given him last Christmas!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
knolls
♀ Member
Member # 39242
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I have never been big gift people. We did things together as our gift- travel, food, night in the city- those type of things. This year we just got back from Vegas
We are both working really hard on R- some bumps- generally due to my trust has not fully retuned and he also works with OW
But what I am having such a hard time with is his card. I just can't buy one that states he is my everything. The love of my love. My best friend and so on. I'm not there yet
As an aside. He asked me today if I got plum pudding. Nope that's a trigger. Last year I knew they were headed down the wrong road to an A after the work Christmas party and her card she gave him. I actually remember saying I hope your next wife knows you like plum pudding and bird's custard.
But nope. Not even sure I can muster up a card. And this is for a man who really is trying


I am stronger than the storm.
I take every experience in my life, no matter how horrendous it was, as a learning experience

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies!

Here's what I'll do finally. I bought her a small gift, which isn't personalized at all (I was first planning at giving her a nice watch, or gold earrings). The bigger gift that will be unwrapped by her is actually labelled to the whole family. I don't want to be harsh, but at the same time I am asking her to be authentic, and I think I wouldn't be if I was demonstrating fake attention.

Merry Christmas to all of you!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I am hoping to get a picture of him and his grandfather printed and framed... But his aunt hasn't sent me the one I wanted to do...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, the big thing is that you do what is authentic for you. No more, no less. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, my WH is trying really hard, and we're doing reasonably well at R. We don't always do the gift thing, but this year I know he has bought me a lovely pendant, which is kind of ironic because one of his complaints about the M pre-escorts was that I wasted too much money on jewelry. Shrug, obviously he knows I love jewelry. It made me a little uncomfortable that that's what he wanted to get but he hadn't picked a piece of jewelry out for me for eons. I used to work in a jewelry store so I'd just pick out my own stuff. He chose something kind of unique for me, and I like that he made the effort rather that just telling me to go buy myself something.

My one gift to him is also pretty ironic. He claims that he was interested in getting a massage pre-escorts, and that it was pop-up escort ads while looking for a massage therapist that kind of planted the seed in his head to go to an escort. He's really been having problems in his neck and shoulder, so I bought him gift certificates for two 45 minute massages. With a legit registered massage therapist. It's kind of trigger-y for me but I'll deal. I got him a neck and shoulder heating pad as well. I got him 4 t-shirts from a big & tall store because regular ones always end up too short on him. I got him a couple of 1000-piece puzzles because we like to do them together, something we used to do long ago and recently did again. I got him a couple of bottles of his favourites wines and some dark chocolate, his favourite. I got him something else he'd been asking for, and a saucy Xmas card. I think he'll be surprised that I got him anything.

Thinking ahead to his birthday, I'm going to arrange for us to fly over our house and along the Great Lake near where we live. There are 2 flying clubs in our area that offer sightseeing tours. I think he'll really like that.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm giving WH the same thing I gave him for Father's Day and his birthday - a family picture collage to go on his desk at work... to remind him he has a family. I suppose at some point I'll have to start getting him something different, his desk is only so large. But for now, it's desk plaques, collages, and calendars with pictures of his beautiful family.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oy, when I read this thread I had to ask WH what I gave him last year since that date aligns more with your current Xmas as far as DD. He couldn't remember, and neither could I.

So I checked my journals...and I did give him nothing, I think. It was also my second Xmas post DD, like you, but I had the added drama of finding out about more TT through a failed polygraph. Which he handled badly. I basically took my ring off three weeks before Xmas and coasted through the holiday. Obviously a lot has happened since then that was more positive, but it was bad enough back then I blocked it out.

So anyway, I don't think it matters what you give her. If you are just making a show for the kids, she's going to know. You already gave her the greatest gift she could ever get - you are still there, and she is not out on her ass. In my book that's a pretty awesome present.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Jun 2011
strongerbytheday
♀ New Member
Member # 38347
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last year I gave him a mason jar filled with 365 reasons why I loved him. (His lack of feeling loved has been an issue throughout his entire life). Unfortunately he liked it but never used it. Said it made him feel uncomfortable that anyone would take so much time to do something so kind. This year he is getting a travel mug from the kids stuffed with sexy coupons. Maybe these he will use;-)


Me: BW
EA/PA 4-5m?
DD 9/11

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2013
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife in part started he OEA because she felt trapped by our marriage and all of the health issues our children have. She owns what she did, she knows she should of D and not A and it's 100% her fault.

However, I love her. I bought her a book of 50 places you must see in your life and a certificate promise to take her to as many as we can the rest of our life together. I want to travel the world with her.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lola88
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't bought him any presents or card this year, first time ever. I normally make a huge fuss of him and take time to choose a card that means something to us but can't bring myself to think that way anymore. I feel like he has killed me.

I've loved hearing your stories though, it's great to know many get past this I just doubt that I can.

Hope you all enjoy Christmas, love and best wishes for the New Year xx


Posts: 127 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A photo frame with recent nice shots of each kid and one of us together on vacation earlier this year. Oh, and in one photo space I wrote " Family is God's gift to us".

That's All. 'Nuff said.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 717 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've bought a few nice things. Not as much as last year when I really indulged him and he bought me an ipad as a guilt gift as he was f&cking OW.

We will R and I love him so I've bought what I knew he wanted and stuck to a budget we agreed for each other.

Just want the whole Christmas preparation to be over now.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We ordered a few items on line for ourselves so the kids wouldn't be sad, but not only did I not really get any gifts for him this year - I don't want any. I really don't.
I'm not angry, and I'm doing a reasonable job at enjoying my kids, but I do not want gifts. I can honestly say that I'll breathe a sigh of relief when the holidays are over.

I have decided to put all of my energy into staying positive and not 'festering' in negative thoughts, so there's nothing really left to give to this season.

Christmas? Meh. Whatever. But if you're goal is to punish someone, you might want to re-think that. I know that my fWH is punishing himself enough right now, and I really don't want to build that kind of energy in our house.

I dunno, just a few random thoughts from my head.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ballroom dance lessons for both of us, which I enjoyed more than she did.

Love this idea. Quality time for both of you, and something that you will enjoy.

Or, membership in the cheese of the month club. :)

My H is getting a book. He asked me not to buy him anything, which was very helpful. I am a gift-giver, and I always put a lot of thought into every gift, and last year we had a false-R Christmas. Not really feeling like doing that ever again.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Jul 2013
Calli0pe
♀ New Member
Member # 41683
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I should get him a gift certificate for a FREE polygraph test!! Haaaa.

Ok, not funny.
We weren't going to exchange gifts (we agreed on this way back on Dday), but I knew he'd get me something anyway - and he did.

I'm going to get him something but I can't really afford to right now because I didn't budget for it. We're doing gifts @ his mom's this afternoon and she usually give cash so maybe I'l pick up something on the way home (even considering going to the mall on Xmas Eve must prove I love him, right)? He's pretty easy to buy for, loves Batman and Dr Who, so I might get him a novelty hoodie or t shirt. Mercifully, we have no kids to keep up appearances for.


Me: BS, 35
Him: WS, 37
Married 5.5 years, friends for 10 before that
D-Day: Nov 29 2013
"Massage" parlors & Casual Encounters
Working on R, not sure I can live with it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: North Texas
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Maybe I should get him a gift certificate for a FREE polygraph test!! Haaaa. Ok, not funny.

Oh, I think it's funny! A little dark humor to get us through...

For Christmas, he is getting the second-hand benefit of some things I bought for myself Those things are just as much for me, though.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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