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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feel awful for feeling this way but can't help it
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love children. Always knew I'd want many. I underwent many infertility treatments to have my precious son. He is awesome and I am so grateful I have him. He has literally been the only reason I survived all the crap and continue to work on myself to grow and be a good mother and example to him. (I found out in my 3rd trimester). He is my everything and an amazing little person. He brings me so much joy. I have been mourning the loss of potential future children since dday because the chances are so low that I'd be able to have more even though I am young I have infertility issues (although wxh sperm was useless so I might have a shot with good sperm but I'm not about to date just because I want more children). It's also not because my son is not enough, he is more than enough. He is perfect. I just really would've loved having a big family. I love being a mom and would've loved for my son to have siblings. I have many siblings and it's really special to have. I want that for my son. I hope i'm making sense?

Anyway I found out earlier today my SIL who was pregnant with me (their son is 2 months older than mine) is pregnant again. I am elated for them but I am also now crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I feel awful for crying about someone else's happy news. It's not because I don't want that for them. It just brings up again what else was taken from me. What I could've had now. I was supposed to have a second child too. A family. A sibling for my little guy. It hurts. Waywards take so much from us. It's not just the obvious but the future too. I am working hard in my NB and forming a life for my son and I but it's not what I ever envisioned and it is financially very hard so I won't ever be able to afford to have another one by myself (with donor sperm perhaps. Adoption in my country is basically impossible as a single person) Also emotional infertility scars stick. It's still hard to hear pregnancy announcements. Again not because I am not happy for others but sad for what I had to go through just to fall pregnant. I do feel awful and selfish for feeling this way though.

I don't know what the point of posting is other than as always when I post I just need to get it out somewhere.

I know all of us deal with the loss of future hopes and dreams. We're shaping new ones but it still hurts for me. I'm not mourning fucknut wxh. I'm mourning what I thought I was building with him. I don't know. I'm just sad and that frustrates me. It frustrates me that HIS choices are still effecting my life!!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BrokenDaisy)))

You're right - they take so much. Our self respect, our pride, our esteem, and worse. For you, having another child close to your boy's age.

Just remember, you can have more kids with a good man, or by yourself if you choose. Don't let him take that from you.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much today.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1878 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waywards take so much from us. It's not just the obvious but the future too.

Absolutely right. Naturally we all have dreams for the future with our spouse and our family. For many people, these dreams and plans for the future are fuel to move through the ups and downs of life. And then, they are unceremoniously and callously taken away from the person we loved and trusted the most.

I understand what you are saying, even though I am a father and not a mother. You said it very clearly. You are mourning what you thought you were building with your xWH. That's natural and healthy for you to do. You also expressed, very well, how much you love the child you do have, which of course is the greatest love of all.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 940 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((BrokenDaisy))))

I understand completely. I was supposed to have a second child as well. I love being a mom and feel that joy was stolen from me by ex-shat.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Artemisia
♀ Member
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so hard, maybe impossible, to not have a complex reaction to your SIL's news. I hope you will be gentle and go easy on yourself. You are a real, multi-dimensional person and you react to the world in multi-dimensional ways. Your post shows that you're a loving and thoughtful person, and I'm sure that comes through to your SIL and the others in your life. But of course it's bittersweet for you.

For what it's worth, your post brought tears to my eyes. I turned 33 after my ex left. I'm not sure that I will have the chance to have children at all, and I get everything you're saying about wanting to be happy for others while noticing a big sadness in yourself.


Posts: 112 | Registered: Sep 2013
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who knows what the future might bring us?

We might have more kids, we might not. You never know.

My daughter is adopted (right before D-day), I am 38 years old, and I have no idea if I'll ever meet someone and have more kids. I might not. But I might.

I hate these waywards who tear our lives apart in search of their "real love". Surprise for them....nothing will make them "happy". Nothing will fill their vacant souls. Let him drain someone else's soul and be glad he is no longer sucking the life out of you.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3296 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BrokenDaisy)))
I know how you feel. In fact I created a similar thread months ago. I too have a toddler DS. Didn't have infertility but did have a miscarriage before him. Everyone at work (they don't know yet) keeps asking when we are going to try for a second and it's painful cause we are coming up on the time when we agreed we'd make him a sibling. We had decided we didn't want him to be an only child. It hurts a lot when I see other people pregnant with their second. I'm almost 36 and my dreams of being pregnant again are fading fast. Waywards suck.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel awful. Most of us have had these kind of feelings. I am feeling sad today, and then guilty because a sweet girl I work with got engaged yesterday.

I got engaged on Christmas 16 years ago. The hopes and dreams and happiness I felt on that day all came rushing back when I saw her cute photos under a tree with her boyfriend on one knee. :(

Yeah. I feel awful for feeling sad, but this is where I am.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3542 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((brokendaisy)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24953 | Registered: Aug 2011
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post brought on the tears for me.

I have a very hard time being happy when I hear other people's baby news. I try to fake it, but I know I get this "look" on my face when I hear it, because it just reminds me of what I will likely never have.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Feb 2010
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for understanding everyone and for the support. This is a very emotional subject for me so I appreciate the kindness.

Naturally we all have dreams for the future with our spouse and our family. For many people, these dreams and plans for the future are fuel to move through the ups and downs of life. And then, they are unceremoniously and callously taken away from the person we loved and trusted the most.

This exactly!

Just remember, you can have more kids with a good man, or by yourself if you choose. Don't let him take that from you.

That's just the thing it's not that simple due to my infertility. I also can't afford it currently and am in no way ready to even date and if I ever were to be in a relationship again I wouldn't want to rush to kids because I chose an awful awful father for my son and I'm not making that mistake again. Even though I don't want wxh to have that power the fact is he did take my best chances of another child away from me, odds are unfortunately stacked against me. I'll always have that tiny glimmer of hope that I somehow can make it work someday though.

(((Tesla))) and from what I've read on here about you you are an amazing mom!

It's so hard, maybe impossible, to not have a complex reaction to your SIL's news. I hope you will be gentle and go easy on yourself. You are a real, multi-dimensional person and you react to the world in multi-dimensional ways. Your post shows that you're a loving and thoughtful person, and I'm sure that comes through to your SIL and the others in your life. But of course it's bittersweet for you.

Thank you for the beautiful supportive words and understanding. (((Artemisia))) I'm sorry my post brought you tears. I sincerely hope you'll get to be a mother someday.

I hate these waywards who tear our lives apart in search of their "real love". Surprise for them....nothing will make them "happy". Nothing will fill their vacant souls. Let him drain someone else's soul and be glad he is no longer sucking the life out of you.

I totally agree! They continue to try and fill a void in themselves with others instead of looking inside themselves. They can never find true and lasting happiness. In my wxh case he just enjoys using people. He has no empathy or compassion and will take anything he wants no matter the cost to others lives. So I most definitely don't want xwh back or miss him or pine for our "old life". I am fully aware it was all just lies and deceit and that I am way better off without him. I am very happy without him and to be rid of him! This is not about him as much as it is that I have to live the negative consequences of HIS awful choices. The unfairness of it all. I'm still upset about some of the things I've lost due to him. I try to not let his actions keep me back but some things were major losses, some things are just not replaceable. There's no way getting past that. I have overcome a lot but some things will always hurt.

((((Careerlady))))

((((Purplerose))) completely understandable that that hit some buttons too.

Oh (((whalers))) again sorry for bringing on the tears for you. Such utter devastation these awful waywards bring into our lives.

I want to repeat that I am incredibly thankful that I do have my son. After years of infertility and countless timed cycles, IUI's, and IVF/ICSI's I did finally get my dream and he is truly perfect. I do know the pain of thinking you'll never get to even have one child and that is partly why I also feel so guilty for being upset about not having a second one. My heart goes out to all who may not have children due to their waywards.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 1:40 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
ambull29
♀ New Member
Member # 39689
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenDaisy....oh my, our stories are seriously identical! My husband and I tried for 3 1/2 years to have our sweet baby and we ended up doing IVF to have him. As soon as I got pregnant, he began this affair. I found out when I was 7 months pregnant, my son is now 5 months old and my husband (well I guess I should be saying STBXH) left about a month ago for her. I feel the same, would love at least another baby...but is that in the cards now?

Sweetie, it's 100% ok to feel that way about your SIL...it's normal. Anytime one of our friends got pregnant, it was a whole day of bawling my eyes out. You are fine :) You never know what might come along and sweep you and your sweet son off your feet

It always upsets me to know we tried so hard for this miracle baby and now he doesn't even have two parents together...so strange isn't it? I'll say a prayer for you!


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Asheville, NC
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a very hard time being happy when I hear other people's baby news. I try to fake it, but I know I get this "look" on my face when I hear it, because it just reminds me of what I will likely never have.

Hey Whalers11, you are still quite young. 32 is YOUNG! I am 45 and STBX had been telling me for the past 5 years that he didn't want a second for various reasons: too expensive, I'm too old, world is overpopulated, etc. (He knocked up his whore one year after he met her. Cheap whore gave birth @40 yo.) I have to eventually accept that it is too late for me to have a 2nd.

I am very grateful for the one daughter I have, but it was very difficult to see strangers and friends with their growing pregnant bellies, on their 2nd, 3rd and sometimes 4th babies.

There's still time and hope for you, Whalers11.


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Ambull. I'm so sorry you also went through the pain of infertility as well as infidelity and a dday while pregnant (((hugs)))


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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