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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When the kids are only his, not yours
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there must be other ex-stepparents on this forum. And I'm wondering what your relationship is (if any), with your now ex-stepkids.

I was childless by choice when I met XWH. He had five kids, one girl and four boys. When we met DD was 13 and the DS's were 12,11,9 and 8. Yeah. Holy cow, right? But I loved these kids immediately, and thanks to their emotionally unavailable mother, they had room in their hearts for me. We grew very close, especially DD and I. Over the years, two of the boys got kicked out by their mother and came to live with us full time. One of them was 17 and living with us during the A. He was right there at ground zero when our family exploded.

Fast forward to now. I just spent Thanksgiving with DD, and 3 of the DS's. Oh, and their birth mother, XWH's other ex-wife. That was interesting. I was nervous but she was very nice. XWH cheated on her also, and she "laid into him" about what he did to me and they haven't spoken since. The kids are miserable and don't like OW. XWH is spending all his time and money on HER kids (19 and 21), including supporting them full time, and has no interest in his own kids. OEW (other exwife) said to me, "The best father he ever was, was while he was with you. And I know that was BECAUSE of you. Since you guys broke up, he's back to the same useless piece of shit father he was before."

Talk about a surreal conversation. I never thought I'd be having that conversation with her. She's a lousy mom and I resent her for that, but its also obvious that much of what I've been told about her are lies. Just like I'm sure OW has been told lies about me.

And DS17, who was living with us when it all ended, he had to go with XWH of course. He was so miserable that he called his mother, whom he hadn't spoken to in a year, and asked to come live with her. She said yes and he moved. OEW told me that when DS17 left, he told his father that he had lost all respect for him, and he would never forgive him for what he did to me and our family, and he would never accept OW ever, ever, EVER.

Of course its sad to see the father/son relationship break down, but XWH is getting what he deserves, not that he really cares one way or the other.

I'm driving to spend early Christmas with DD and her family tomorrow. On the way there I'm meeting XMIL for breakfast. It's just such a strange holiday season this year. So many less presents to wrap, no kid stockings to fill. Three of the five are older and moving on with their lives, so things were gradually changing anyway, but its still just sad. I went from being part of such a large family to just me here with my dog and cat.

I don't really have a question, I guess. I'm just curious how others have dealt with ongoing post-D relationships with kids that are not yours. Sometimes it's painful, because I hear things about XWH and OW that I'd rather not hear. As long as I'm connected to this family, I'll still be vulnerable to getting hurt in this way. But I love these kids, and worry about them, DS(now)18 in particular.

Anyway, sorry to drag on so long. Any thoughts, shared stories, or advice would be appreciated.

((hugs to all))


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 670 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will you be with any friends or family on Christmas/C Eve?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9313 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NG,

Yes, I'm flying out of state on Sun to be with my parents through Christmas day, that's why I'm seeing DD tomorrow. I have no family locally. DD22 was planning to do her own Christmas, like she did for Thanksgiving, and had invited me to that as well. But since I'm going to be out of town, I think she's going to be guilted into spending it with XWH, OW and XFIL.

It's so childish and dumb but I'm going to be sad if she does spend it with them. But since I'm leaving, I have no right to complain, I guess.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 670 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would feel so sorry for her if she ended up spending it with them.
You already know most of my story!
It will be just me. My brother is going to hang with some friends.
So, instead of all that cooking, I'm still baking, making and eating tamales, and probably just hang out with the kit kats and watch netflix all day and chill!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gypsy, you're awesome. Parenting can start with shared genetics, but blood doesn't make a parent. You were/are a bright spot in those kids' lives and I'd like a Acme anvil to fall on your XWH's head, karma style.

My WH is technically my childrens' stepdad, but that's never been the truth of it. They bonded with him, love him, and think of him as their father. In our case, it made it doubly a betrayal when he chose a fantasy life and relationships where we didn't exist. My oldest boy, who is also 17, was extremely emotional when he found out. It's never a good age to watch a parent do something terrible, but right there, at the change from kid to more adult, it's especially painful. They're old enough to understand, but too young to take positions based on their own preferences.

That's one nice thing about them (both yours and mine) getting older - they get to choose who they associate with. I bet yours continue to choose you. Kids are always going to gravitate towards the people that truly love them and protect their best interests. And funny to find a bridge with his ex; and even all the better for the kids.

You're important to them. You made/make a difference. You are their parent in all the ways that truly matter in the long run.

((Gypsy))


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reality, thank you. Your post made me cry, in a good way.

Here's a current post from DS18 on facebook:

Everyone's all excited for Christmas.... and its now official that all holidays have become like my birthday except probably more meaningless. This year, my dad didn't recognize my birthday, nor is he recognizing me. Same goes for Christmas.

Yeah, I definitely worry about this kid...


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 670 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gypsy? We're you married to my xWH while I was married to him? We had 5 children between us, a yours, mine and ours family. We had custody of all of the kids and the oldest was 7 when he and I got together. His first ex wife was sporadically in and out of the kids lives. So for 17 years I was their mom. When marriage fell apart the kids were devastated and torn. I told them from the start that their dad would need them far more than I would. I would always be there for them but I understood if they wanted some distance. 2 and a half years later, they barely speak to him. He refuses to be a father to them. My oldest son told me last weekend that his father will say that he will help our son but when it comes time, dad can't help. My son said that he knew if I tell him I will help, I will. He said he knows that he can count on me. It is very sad to watch your children learn these lessons.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely been in your shoes. My oldest DD 40ish is actually my step daughter. I have been her mother since she was 9. Her biological Mom never in her life. So I am and have always been her Mom and her kids my Gk. we actually resemble one another.
I say if it works for the kids....it's just family. No matter the age.
Life is hard enough, if it works...then go for it.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jul 2012
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am an ex-stepparent. XWH's older 2 kids wanted nothing to do with him, but we saw the younger one.

I have absolutely no contact with them at all. They have never met my DD.

I saw younger SS in the grocery store a few years ago. He said "hi" but looked uncomfortable.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3190 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not quite in this situation, but close. I have a step-daughter. I haven't seen her since before ex and I separated, and I'm not sure when I'll get to see her again. She's almost 8. I'm almost thinking of reaching out to her mom to get the kids together seeing as ex isn't really organizing it. She didn't like me when ex and I first got together, but I think that's because she was still holding a candle for him. In recent years, we've talked on the phone, and even laughed together... So we'll see how things go. I'd like to stay in SD's life, but I know that her mom has very limited definitions of family (when ex and I were together, she would say that my mom is not really her grandma, etc.).


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in a position where the 17/18 year old can come live with you?

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand this. When WS and I married, his son was 9. By choice we did not have other kids; my stepson has ADHD and I felt he needed all the attention I could give him rather than spending all my energy on an infant.

When WS told his son last month that we were splitting up, DS cried. He moved out a year ago (to go back to the country where he was born and where we lived when we were first married), but even so he took it very hard. He called me the next morning at work to see 'if I was ok.'

We haven't spoken since. I would call, but I don't know what to say. I wrote him a letter telling him that he would always have a place in my heart and that he could call me or write me any time, but he always had difficulty accepting me as a parent so it does not surprise me that he is not making an effort to keep in touch now.

Sometimes I think about calling him, but it's so awkward. I know he's grieved and ashamed of what his dad has done, although he knows almost nothing of the details except that there was infidelity and that his dad decided to leave me. If he knew his dad had sex with a teenage girl whom he himself had hoped to make his girlfriend, I don't know how he would react. Or how he would react to the news that he has a sibling whom his dad has been concealing from everyone for nearly five years. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe I should call him and try to keep the conversation about him and me, and hope he doesn't bring his dad into it. It's just so hard.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2013
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have or had a stepdaughter. I am still pretty close to her and will be for awhile. The paper that made her dad my husband and then the paper that Made her dad my ex has nothing to do with how I feel for her.

I struggle with the relationship but don't let her see it. I struggle because I have to hear about him and how much she hates him. I text her and she texts back. She has stayed with me when he travels for work with his ho worker. I try to be there for her and that is all I can do. I know the relationship will probably fade away. She is 17 and will adjust to her new life. It is not my responsibility to nurture the relationship between her and her dad. He messed it up and he needs to fix it.

I have contemplated letting her live with me but I don't think it is the best idea right now.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a stepparent, but I am a stepchild....

I was very close to my father's second wife, she's the mother of one of my half brothers. When he was married to her, we saw him every weekend, and every holiday that was his. It was the most time I ever spent with my father.

When he cheated on her, and left her for his OW, she stayed in touch with us, through my mother. I saw my half brother that way, because my father forgot he had children.

I'm 37, and they divorced when I was 12. I am still close to her, and my father has been married 2 more times. (I'm also close to my current stepmother--but me and W#2 had a real bond.)


Posts: 3308 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Topic Posts: 14

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