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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

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User Topic: Do you apologize for outbursts?
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knock down drag out conflict. Basically it began over affair related things, then spread to what was basically a battle of wills and who was going to back down. Issues surrounding his OC. I really lost it on this one.

If given a choice, I would make a re-do where I get to be calm and collected. But I wasn't. He is keeping a really low profile and being avoidant.

Should I apologize? I am not exactly proud of the things I said, at the same time, he was kind of being a jerk. I have some resentment for it

What do you guys do? I am not sorry for how I feel. I don't feel good about the way I said it for the conflict.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I completely understand. It's hard because you feel that you would not be behaving this way if it wasn't for the affair. For me its opposite it's little things he used to get away with and now I get pissed because of the affair. So my problem is I always drag the A in to the conversation. Then he goes into more avoidance behaviour which drives me nuts.
On apologies it depends. If I feel like I didn't do wrong I will not but sometimes I apologize for the way I handled things not for what was said.
Sorry maybe not too helpful.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is helpful.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Oldernotwiser
♀ Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do this too, we both start hurling vile insults, seeing how we behave sometimes makes me afraid and very ashamed. Yes, I always apologize, always verbally if he will speak to me , sometimes I try to write a letter of apology, and sometimes I try to reconnect physically. I must say to apologize comes very hard to WS, he has made 1 formal apology for 30 yrs of deceit. But, he is able to apologize with actions. I think if you feel you need to say I am sorry then you probably do, as much for you as them.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I apologize. I don't like my behavior when I act that way and I apologize for it. It's more about me and figuring out a better way to behave. I am not sorry for my feelings.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 292 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't at first. I wasn't sorry. I just told it like it was. He made me sick.

Now I rarely bring it up. I do apologize once in a while if I say something really harsh. Sometimes it just comes out if something triggers me. Like a Cialis commercial.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize, for myself, for my fWW, and for my kids.

I apologize for my fWW because she's trying to make amends. She recognizes the magnitude of her poor choice, and we're both working on making "us" stronger. While part of me may say she "deserves" to feel an echo of the pain I felt on D-Day, that's not at all useful for my goals.

I apologize for my kids because, as a parent, I need to model good behavior for them no matter how I may personally feel about a situation. When they surprise me with "kidney tag" and I curse, I apologize. When I snarl something vulgar at a driver who nearly t-bones me on the road, I apologize. And when I lose my temper at them or at my fWW, I apologize. I do this so that my kids will also do it. It's not enough to just tell kids how to be a good person, you also have to show them.

I apologize for me, because someone who's intentionally hurtful is not the kind of person I want to be. Whether or not I may feel that the hurt is justified, someone who intentionally causes others to feel pain just to make myself feel better is someone I reject. So when I fall into that trap, I force myself to apologize so that I can reinforce my own good behavior.

And that's why I'll often suggest to people here that they apologize for their own hurtful words or deeds, even if they feel those actions were fully justified. We become who we practice being. If we let ourselves act, consequence free, on our angry urges, then it becomes easier and easier to do so in the future. If, instead, we rein in those urges, if we practice being kind and gentle where possible then that will become easier. I should note, also, that "kind and gentle" doesn't mean "weak and easily pushed around." I am kind and gentle, where possible, because I am strong enough to be so.

Hopefully that makes sense.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 298 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 7

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