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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How long do you wait?
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post in this forum. I told my WW to leave on November 23. I've spoken to her twice since then.

She's wanted a D since May/June. I don't remember the first time she said it. She is caught, and there is little doubt she had/is having an affair.

I told her what it would take for me to R, but she is uninterested at this point. My gut tells me she is still involved with the OM even though she knows I can track her location via her phone (I haven't done this since November 23, NC is NC).

Our first MC told us to wait 6 months before we made any decisions (July 12, I didn't know about the A at this point, but I had strong suspicions). Well, the 6 month date is January 12.

I'm tired of being in limbo. I've basically been on my own since August, completely since November 23. She came home late, left early, and moved to the spare bedroom mid-August. She has refused to do anything with me since.

My question: How long do you wait for them to come around? If things are like they are now on January 12, I think I could file for D and "live with" myself in knowing I tried everything I could to save my M. That puts me mid-March being D. Exactly one year from the "I'm not happy speech".


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Gemini71
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Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The waiting period in my state to get married is 24 hours. That seems long enough to wait to file for divorce too. When you know what you want, you know what you want.

Why hasn't WW filed if she's wanted one since May/June?

ETA: Besides, it'll take a while for the divorce to be final, and you can always delay or change your mind.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 5:43 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Bluebird26
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Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you find yourself here.

If she is unwilling to do the things you need, I think there is really little hope of reconciling, you can't do it on your own.

I guess you have to think about if this is the way you want to live in the marriage for the rest of your life or if you deserve more.

I would probably wait till the new year though, as the Christmas season can bring both the best and the worst out in people.

Are you IC? Maybe this might help you make any decisions.

((RS)) please be kind to yourself.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question. I don't know. I've told her "If you want a D, then go ahead and file for it."

WW claims to be a Christian. That's another debate entirely. But, she doesn't have any grounds for D based on that. However, she somehow felt OK with cheating?

To make a long story short: If I file for D, I think it relieves some of her guilt about the A. I believe she wants me to file, so she can tell people that I D her. That I'm the bad guy.

I know she's told people that "He kicked me out of the house because I talked to another man a little to much and he's jealous." She neglects to mention how much, how long, the trips to his house, the lying she's done, etc. She wants me to be the bad guy, and that's why she hasn't filed yet.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bluebird -
Yes, I am in IC. It helps a lot. My IC has encouraged me to work on myself as a person, a man, and a husband. He says that either way (she comes back or not) that I'll be better off for it. He's a pretty smart dude.

I plan to wait until the new year. This will most likely be the first New Year's Eve that I haven't kissed her in 11 years. If that doesn't snap her out of it, then I don't ever think she will.

A big part of the problem now, is that if she comes back, she has to admit to the A. If she does that, she has to admit to herself and her family that she's also lied to about it. I don't think she can do that.

I'm still a little hopeful, but I have accepted the reality of the situation. I just don't want to look back in a few years and have regrets.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Phoenix1
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Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a tough call, and only one you can make. When you feel you have given it your all and are comfortable with that feeling, and you know you are done, then just do it. As was mentioned in a previous post, you can always call it off if you want to, but it doesn't sound like your WW is even remotely interested in R.

As for the "being the bad guy," get used to it. No matter who files, or how civil you are during the process (if that is the case), WS's tend to rewrite marital history prolifically and often make the BS out to be the "bad guy." It is a way for them to shift blame. It is right out of the cheater's handbook. Hang your hat on the truth and don't worry about that...

Sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good company!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
dmari
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Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here but you are amongst the best!! I read about holding off on deciding to D for 6 months and I entertained that idea for a second. I think this applies to WS who are remorseful though. Mine wasn't so why wait. His behavior after dday has made it impossible to even consider him a distant friend.

I believe you are right about filing for D ~ WS's are KNOWN to shift the blame. Mine said something along the lines of "I want a divorce. You do all the work to make that happen." Trust me ... no matter what you do or don't do, you will still be the "bad guy".

Continue to focus on healing and rebuilding yourself. Take care!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Oct 2012
PhantomLimb
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Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I waited 3 weeks from DDay.

He admitted to the A. By the next day I let him know what I needed him to do to R. He NCed her, went into IC and began planning to leave his job. That lasted about a week. About two weeks later I figured out that he had taken the A underground. When I confronted him, I got the ILYB speech, etc etc.

At that point I S from him and moved out.

I gave him three months to continue with IC, but requested NC. I told him he could contact me at the three month mark if he wanted R.

Instead, I got a notification that he had removed himself from our phone plan. And I was getting overage notices anyway, which means that he was still texting her a storm (she was out of network).

That was all I needed. I filed.

On our wedding anniversary I got a call from a friend of his telling me he was in bad shape (I've since learned he had all kinds of problems at work, etc, after I left). I caved and called him... just in case he really did want R but was afraid I was hostile and/or vindictive about the situation. He let me go to VM. Then I found out he had taken MCOW on a weekend get-away.

That was the end of the line for me.

The experience has almost killed me and I think about it every second of everyday (still)-- but I had too much self-esteem to stay in limbo. Frankly, if he hadn't been such an a-hole, I'm not sure I had it in me to S/D. It's still not what I wanted. But I'm learning to live with it.

That's all the say, this shit isn't easy without NC. If you haven't fully NCed, I don't know how you walk away emotionally.

((hugs))

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:51 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
RealityStinks
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Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm coming to grips with being the "bad guy". As I mentioned, I'm the bad guy right now for "kicking her into the gutter". (Her cousin's 3000 square foot house in an upscale neighborhood is hardly the gutter, IMO.) I don't expect it to be any different if we D. It will be: 1. "H was so terrible, I just couldn't do it anymore" if she files, or 2. "H gave up on our marriage" if I file.

I've gotten all sorts of "I want a D" from her. The one I find the most comical looking back is "Why don't you go have an A so I can divorce you?" She said that before I knew about hers.

I just sucks being in the "darned if you do, darned if you don't" position.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RS

You really have handled this lousy situation so admirably.

But you certainly do not deserve limbo.

IMO you have to take action to move out of limbo as well as shake up your WW's world of the Affair.

Track her on Xmas Eve.
Track her on New years Eve.

Judge her by her actions.

She has not shown you an ounce of remorse or truth.

I think by January 1st you will know that you tried your hardest but your WW is not remorseful.

I think you will also see that she has moved on.

You should still expose to the OM girlfriend.

You should definitely make it very clear why you are filing for divorce by citing "infidelity" even if you live in a no fault state.

Show consequences. And end the marriage if you choose in the way you have conducted yourself all these months.

She deserves to be left with that old man and you deserve to be happy. With someone your own age that values you and their marriage vows.

HM


Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
sparkysable
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Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You DON'T wait. You file now. She is showing you exactly how much she values marriage, which is not at all. Why live your life in limbo?

All these 6 months mean to her is that it is a free for all for her to see the OM. She ain't trying to fix shit.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3170 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
7yrsflushed
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, if they are unremorseful, not doing the work to own their shit, and treating you with no respect then there is no reason to wait to file for D. Waiting only means you put up with the torture and demeaning behavior for a longer period of time. If a WS was truly interested in changing then they would do so fairly quickly. Look at the WS's in the wayard forum that are working to "own their shit". Even the newbies WS's in there that are still foggy are light years ahead of many of our WS's that still have or had their heads squarely up their asses. The newbies in the wayward forum are at least asking questions and looking for answers.

As a BS, if our WS is not actively trying to work on themselves then there is no reason to wait. We can't wake them up or change them. Honestly the odds are stacked against us that they will actually do the work to change at all. They aren't going to magically wake up one morning and get it. And if they do wake up one morning and get it they STILL have to do the work to resolve their issues.

I subscribed to the waiting 6 months thing as well. It turned into 2 years of waiting that included 1 year of false R and another year of ME fixing myself to the point that I as the BS filed to end my own suffering. IMO, if your WS is unremoresful then you should file for D immediately. As a BS you have a ton of healing to do on your own. It's easier to say this now that I have filed and am just waiting on the decree but it's much easier to heal when you don't have the cause of the pain sitting right in front of you day in and day out. You don't put a bandaid on an infected cut without throughly cleaning the wound first. In this case the unremorseful WS is the infection in the wound. Get them out so the wound can heal properly and faster.

Every now and then a thread pops up in here and it asks what would you have done differently. Every single time almost all of us that had unremorseful WS's say we would have filed for D sooner or right after DDay. Of course hindsight is 20/20 but I think of those posts everytime someone asks the question. It's a personal choice but imo, if your WS is unremorseful then file for D as soon as possible because it helps you the BS start moving forward. You can't change them, you can only impact what you do yourself.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:10 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
RealityStinks
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Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for responding.

I have come to grips with my situation. Yesterday was the "one month anniversary" of her moving out. I've heard from her twice since then. And, to be honest, the past month has been easier on me emotionally than the previous several.

She is completely unremorseful. All I've gotten is "I'm sorry I've put you through this, but you have to understand that I'm hurting too". I told her that I'm sorry she's hurting, but that it's all self-inflicted.

My IC (he started out as our MC) has tried to contact her, but she has ignored him. Bottom line: She wants out. Even if she did want to try to R, I'm afraid her pride won't let her. She'll never admit to what she's done.

That said, I'm going to wait it out for a while longer. I've made it this far, another few weeks isn't going to hurt anything. That still puts me D in March. A quote I've seen and posted on here before: "New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." - Lao Tzu

Then, I think a buddy of mine and I (we've been best friends since pre-school) are going to find a beach in the Caribbean to celebrate our 30th birthdays!

2014 is unknown right now. I haven't had that feeling in a long time. It's a little scary, but it's exciting at the same time.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you RS.

A little beach time will be great for you.

And time is on your side.

Pull the trigger when you feel strong and ready.

Have your inlaws reached out to you at all?

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 11:01 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
RealityStinks
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Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happyman -

Have your inlaws reached out to you at all?

No. I called her mom on D-day for some reassurance from the person that knows her better than anyone that she wasn't having an affair.

The next day, I got blasted on speaker phone in front of my WW saying that I "was trying to push WW out of her family, and that wasn't going to happen".

I called MIL again after I found out about all the trips to the OM's house, rental house, and house boat. She just buried her head in the sand, and said that my WW just couldn't do it.

All this from a woman who D her husband because of 800 texts over the course of a few months to another woman. I have 1000's of texts, 1000's of minutes on the phone, 1-2 visits a week with the OM over the course of 4 months, and confirmation that my WW as at the same Inn the other man was registered at. Yet my MIL insists that her daughter has not had an A.

Edit: I hit submit too soon.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 11:10 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is why I asked RS.

When I see how your wife is acting stubborn, denial after denial of an affair I figured she learned this trait.

Yes some people are just born this way but the way she just moved out, shows no remorse, very little contact with you since she moved out.

These are all bad signs of your wife mental state.

Google "narcissism".

Maaybe the apple (your wife) has not fallen far from the tree (her mom).

I hope by now you are starting to realize that her issues have nothing to do with you.

Lying.
Cheating.

That is all on her. The fact that she cannot own up to any truth speaks volumes about her.

Do you have plans for Christmas?

HM



Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
RealityStinks
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Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happyman -

One step ahead of you: I Google narcissism a long time ago. No doubt that she is narcissistic.

You hit the nail on the head about "learning it". Her parents had an affair. Her parents were both married when they met, and the four of them were best friends. Her dad walked out on two kids as well. One of those kids is currently in the process of getting D because he cheated on his wife and 3 kids. I guess you could say it "runs in the family".

I know that none of her A is my fault. I'm not saying I've been the perfect husband, but I've been far from terrible. Without tooting my own horn too much, I'm a catch.

The fact that she cannot own up to any truth speaks volumes about her.

Amen. But, she never has. If she does something that upsets anyone, by the time it's over the other person is apologizing to her. Well, I'm not begging for "forgiveness" this time. She'll own her crap, or she'll be on her merry way.

Yep, I'm heading home to spend Christmas with my family.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah you know her well now.

Glad you are spending Christmas with family.

Have a Merry Christmas and I hope your New Years resolution is to replace her.

Remember young man there is no saving her.

Only she can save herself.

And it sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

Never look back only forward.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 12:11 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
RealityStinks
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Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks HM. And, Merry Christmas to you as well!

My resolution is find out who I used to be! I haven't done so many things that I used to enjoy since we got married. I'm going to start doing those things again. I've lost touch with "that guy".


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
careerlady
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Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow no remorse and no kids? No wait! File ASAP. Consult with a lawyer if there is a possibility for spousal support or property issues but get out and don't look back.
I wouldn't try to redeem this one at all, if she's this bad the first time she'll be worse the next time and there WILL BE a next time if you take her back after this BS, except maybe by then you'll have kids and it will be way messier. Run don't walk! Anyway if there is any hope of salvaging the relationship it will be when she sees you are willing to give it up.

Big hugs!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
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