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User Topic: Vent: WH's feelings
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Suspicious  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been on a 100% legit (I spoke with his boss) business trip for the past few days. During this business trip he was scheduled to interview for a permanent position with the company at which he's contracting. I'd like him to get the job because he met OW at his contracting company (although now that OW's trust fund has matured she no longer needs to work for a living ).

Yesterday I had a bad trigger and decided that I was not going to spare WH's feelings and not tell him about it. Why should I keep it to myself? But I tried to mitigate it a bit by sending the following to a non-work email address so he wouldn't necessarily be at work when he saw it:

This morning when I was heading out the door I took a look around the living room.

I saw our couch, and pictured you having sex with her on it.

I saw the console behind the couch, and thought about how you bought it with her and used her Crate & Barrel discount for it.

I saw our end table and thought about how you bought it at IKEA coming back from a trip with her.

You were building a life with her IN MY HOUSE. It was my house too! Was it just YOUR house in your mind? Did I not exist? When did I become some minor inconvenience, some speed bump to the life you wanted to have?

I thought you and I were building a life together. I thought we bought nice things for US, when really it was just for you. I was just there to scoop the litter, wash the dishes, edit your resume, do your taxes. You were happy to have me around to do the actual work of maintaining a life, and having her around for the fun stuff.

So today I get the following in response:

Not true...but thanks for this during my trip right before my interview...

Yeah, well, DDay was all of 30 minutes before I was supposed to set up a video conference of all the executives at my work. I was shaking, hysterical on the inside and forced to shove it all down and be completely professional. I had to stand there and fake being cheery and get my shit together to get a complicated setup done with the brand new knowledge that my my M had been a lie for the past three years pounding in my brain and in my heart.

So pardon me if I don't exactly have a lot of sympathy for WH feeling bad for being reminded of all his wrongdoing!


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is that all he said? From this he sounds like an ass, definitely not a WS that get's it. Hate to make a judgement from one response but it certainly sounds like yours was a very responsible letter. Also not sure why you have not burned or donated all that furniture? We bought new bedding right after dday and WW said I could burn them if I wanted. Being too much a environmentalist I donated them. Not like anyone getting used beddings doesn't know what occurred on them.

We have had several late night and early morning HARD discussions that have left both in tears. Well WW's eyes really show when she has been crying and has commented about it. Feels a bit uncomfortable about going into work. However she has NEVER complained or said couldn't we wait for a better time.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Youch. Not such a good response from him.

Um, can't you list that stuff on Craigslist and get it the eff out of your house? I'd rather sit on the floor.

Take some proactive measures. You'll feel better. Promise.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So his response is to guilt you. Awesome. Because he was totally on the spot, and didn't have time to sit and think about that before emailing you back. Wasn't he in contact with you at all before that? If he's away on a trip, he didn't call at night to see how you were doing? To reassure you?

How about, 'My ThreeYearFool, I am so very sorry. I am here interviewing for a job because I want to get away from any and every trigger that pains you. I'm so glad I got your email just before my interview, so that I could be reminded of how important it is that I make this change. I've called my friend/brother/neighbor and asked him to come and help you today, so think about what you want to do with that furniture. If you're looking for it, the ax is in the garage. Don't forget to wear safety glasses.'

There, that wasn't so hard, was it?


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
SoCo
♀ Member
Member # 33907
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, total t/j and I am sorry. Upon reading plainpains response/comment.... Just curious....

(And yes,that would have been a wonderful response to get.)

Is there a single BS that ever received that response from their WS?

Or a WS that remembers giving a similar response?

I am NOT being sarcastic, TRUELY I am not. I am dead serious in that would have been the perfect response, but really has anyone ever received anything close to that after sharing the feelings that TTYF shared with her Husband?

Please do share that story!

((( TTYF))) I am sorry you are hurting!!!!!!


BS (me)
WS (him)
DDay. Jan. 2010
AKA Whydidyou (long story)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South Carolina
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never ever got that response. A couple of days ago when he arrived back from seeing his children with ex wife/ow, he shut me down immediately and told me when I tried to talk to him because I was anxious about his visit there.. "all you have to do is stay calm and wait until a better time to talk."

Because his nerves were shot from being around his ex and because he felt he couldn't help himself and help me at the same time.

Led to an argument because I get tired of the constant waiting for him to decide it's "a better time".

I think your WH sounds like a victim. Poor him.

Probably he felt in a rush and impulsively fired off a response.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoCo, yes, essentially, I got that good response. Hereís the story.

About 2 months after DDay, when I was still checking up on FWH a lot, I got off of work early. And I had the uncontrollable urge to physically check for his car where he worked. We had installed tracking software on our phones, and it showed him at work, but still, I had to see the car because his ONS took place during ďworking hoursĒ and phones can be left anywhere.

I drove up to his work and his car was not in the normal place. I drove to the back of his lot and into his parking garage (where he had never parked to my knowledge) and no car. So I parked in the visitorís parking and called him. He answered. I asked him where he was. He said at work. I said, Iím in the visitor lot and I couldnít find your car. He said, I parked in the parking structure, not in my normal place. I said, I just drove through it and didnít see your car. Iíll be right out, he said.

He walked out, got into the passengerís side of my car, and directed me back to the parking structure, took me up the hidden-to-me driveway to the 3rd story, and showed me his car. Then showed me how to get out it was a bit complicated. I drove him back to the door. All of this was done matter of factly, as if it was completely normal for me to show up and need to see his car that very moment. And before he got out of the car, he took my hand, apologized for being the reason that I felt that I needed to check up on him, and told me that any time I needed to check on him, to be comfortable in doing so. He told me he love me, kissed me, and went back into work. I drove home, trigger having been completely disabled. Never checked up on him at work again. And that is one of the reasons when, it got really, really rough again, I am still here with him next to me.

And that is, IMO, the only kind of response that a truly repentant WS should give. So TTYF, hold his feet to the fire and donít accept anything other than the consideration that you are DUE. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my WH. I think "not true" is his favorite thing to say. It's odd cos it's never true... But he can never tell me why what I'm saying isn't exactly right. I'm sorry for your trigger and I'm sorry for the response that made it worse when you were looking for comfort. ((Threeyearfool))


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not true...but thanks for this during my trip right before my interview...

No empathy, no understanding, no remorse, no support, and no apology - but he can manage to find a touch of sarcasm and entitlement.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 4:58 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 9

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