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User Topic: 3 month reality check
stillprettyupset
♂ Member
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, tomorrow will be 3 months since DDay and I'm feeling contemplative. We have agreed to divorce and reconcile at least four times. We still argue in the same circles, when I bring up the A. If I don't mention it, we go on like it never happened. She has had NC that I know of but that is only from timing and the fact I've been home every night for a month. I still have no transparency and she has taken to deleting all phone messages except mine. She still won't agree to MC and still won't take responsibility for the affair since she was "unhappy and abandoned". So, we plod on, doing the same things we did preA. The sex was frenetic for a while until she mentioned how weird and disconnected she felt...so I stopped that.

The only way in which she has shown regret is by sending texts that she is going to the store after work, or gym with girlfriend, or appt for haircut and when I mention how much I feel like I'm doing and how little she has put in, I hear a tirade about how she has to walk on eggshells and how worried she is about what I am thinking.

I should be grateful, I suppose. Some of the SI stories I have seen make my trauma look like a hangnail. But I don't feel grateful. I feel sad, lonely, and angry. And just hopeful enough to not sell the house and walk away.


Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of the SI stories I have seen make my trauma look like a hangnail

Pain is pain. You have every right to your feelings and reactions.

I'm so sorry that she isn't taking responsibility for her behavior or putting any effort in. You deserve so much more. Only you can say when you're done putting on a one-sided show. We're here for you - you're not alone.

(((stillprettyupset)))


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That doesn't sound like R.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Defensiveness, lack of openness, lack of remorse is what it sounds like you are seeing from your WW.

I am so sorry for you, but it does not sound like she understands what she has done or how it has hurt you.

It sounds like complete 180 time.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, your sitch sounds worse than mine ever was post-D-Day. Let me tell you, that fact doesn't make me hurt less in any way. (That's just another way of saying what Jrazz does.)

What does your W do that gives you hope?

What are you thinking of doing instead of selling the house and walking away?

What are you waiting for?

(I mean the above as questions. In general you know what's best for you, and I'm curious, because in your sitch I'd be in a full 180.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
stillprettyupset
♂ Member
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No gang, it doesn't sound remorseful to me either. Siss, I need to give some of those questions serious thought. I can tell you that I am waiting for the magic wand to wave away the fog and hope her head pops, magically, out of her ass.

I have not started a 180 because she only hears/sees/thinks you abandoned me. If I go my own way at this early stage, it will be more ammunition to continue feeding that false argument (and I am not ready to deal with the aftermath just yet).

Signs of hope, more talking and time together than in the last three years. No running off to the bathroom, phone in hand. No furtive trips or excuses for being late. Mileage and times jive. She sent NC and texted his BS in a fit of break up anger (I still sent her a message) so I am pretty sure this A is dead. My fear is when the next will start because I have a booger in my nostril.


Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro, she is rug sweeping and your handing her the broom. If you cant get her to comply with your terms of R then you might as well throw in the towel right now. Trust me on this one, if you don't make a stand now, sometime down the line you will be dealing with another A and another OM. That's just fact my man. I know its a hard thing to do, but you need to stand tall, draw your line in the sand and the rest is up to her. If she balks your better off ending it ASAP. You will thank yourself for saving your heart from another beat down.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5615 | Registered: Nov 2007
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SPU -
Read your profile and this post. I did the argue in circles, make excuses for her, and dealt with her not being remorseful for awhile. But, when I stood up for myself, that's the first time I saw a bit of respect from my WW as well as a bit of reality smacking her in the face.

Based on what you said above, I think you're on your way to D-day #3 if she doesn't change. I would even question if the second A is over. Who said it was over when he stormed out when you showed up that day? If it was her, I'd verify it for myself.

I'll shoot straight here: If you want to save your M, the best chance you've got is the 180. You have to be willing to lose your M to save it at this point. I understand her saying you abandoned her, my WW has done the same thing. All you're abandoning is her bullshit. I'd make that clear to her. If she is willing to work on the M, you are too. But until that point, you're not interested.

My two cents.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 6:10 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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