I wonder if it is just not possible or if it is a sign that he isn't getting it or is not remorseful.
By asking him about it, he feels this pressure to cry which then will make it more impossible. He is IC so I asked him to ask about it there.
So am I asking too much or for something that's impossible?
[This message edited by ILINIA at 10:36 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
I remember thinking this in the early days of R. I remember thinking why isn't he sad that he is going to loose all of this if he doesn't get it. I did finally see the tears, the snot running down his face, boo hoo, swollen eyes tears when I finally got strong enough to tell him enough. I was done, and get out. This was after him half assing R, and breaking NC multiple times, and still lying, and mimizing, and getting angry when I would be upset, and so forth.
That was also the day he finally really got it. That was the day real R started.
My WS called me crying once and apologizing, the day she broke OM's car window. I was so happy, I said "the prodigal son has returned", and I started what turned out to be a false R (see my post "R with a bang?"). Alas, I never actually saw the tears, and I felt that I wished she had cried in front of me instead of just on the phone.
I later came to understand she was crying about what OM did to her, which made her feel like I did, but not really about guilt or empathy for me. She has seen him and likely had sex with him again since, and she stopped all MC and IC on her side. She also asked for S.
So we're on our way to S. I'm 180ing and NC-ing her, and I am considering just filing D to get it over with. I need to heal, and she's making it impossible through her lack of remorse. She needs to get in or out of the marriage, but this standing in the doorway is letting the cold air in. And I'm all out of warmth.
What you're feeling is normal. You want to see true repentance, true remorse. Do take notes if you think he's not capable though - you may need to just let him go.
[This message edited by GotPlayed at 11:04 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
It's a constant struggle for me because I am the exact opposite. I've always been a very emotional person, and his infidelity just magnified it. It kills me that I can be sobbing so hard that I can't breathe, and he just stares at me quietly.
My H said remorseful things from d-day on, and followed "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair" to the letter. I was healing and even trusting him (with verification), but I had a wall up for my protection. I felt love for H but very little respect.
About three months post d-day, it started to sink in for him what he had done, not just to me but to himself when he threw away his integrity for OW. We would be discussing the A and he would be rationally answering my questions when suddenly he would crumple. Quietly shaking in anguish. He would turn away from me--it was no show. This is going to sound maudlin, but it was like seeing into his soul. He stopped hiding his shame. My wall started coming down.
This happened a handful of times. I saw how much he hated the A--how it haunted him. How deeply he wished he had walked away from her. The look on his face and his body language was worth 1000 "I'm sorry's".
I knew rationally that the A was not about me or the marriage, but I couldn't feel it until I saw how broken he was. I don't want to see him suffer like that anymore. I want him to work on his self-worth until he believes that he is an essentially good person who did a horrible thing because his emotional growth had been stunted.
It may not be crying in particular that you're looking for--my H shed only a few tears. Maybe it's mostly that you want him to be vulnerable to you? Truly open without any image-control. If he bares his emotional self, I think you would see evidence that what he did hurt him more than you in the end.
It takes a ton of courage to be vulnerable and genuine, and some men especially struggle with feeling like it's weak. To me, it's the ultimate in strength to let someone see you hurting to the core and reach out for help and understanding. I've never wanted my H more.
He cried this morning, as a matter of fact. He's hurt that I question him doing nice things for me. A couple of weeks ago, he brought a bouquet of roses home for me. A couple of days ago, I mentioned in another thread that he emailed me a quick "love you" note. I told him that I appreciate those gestures but that doubt creeps in that they aren't pure intentions but maybe he's guilty of something those days. He says they are pure intentions, he wants to do nice things for me and he started crying that I would question that although he understands why I would. He cried that he doesn't know what to do, should he continue these things or not. Like I said, it pissed me off that he was crying about it. He doesn't know whether he should buy me flowers or not? Tough shit. I don't know if I can't trust him not to sleep with whores. It's kind of a big difference.
My SAH had a mountain of FOO issues so tall and one of them included the good ol' "boys don't cry" falsehood. SAH was taught NOT to show emotion at all. I actually started to suspect he was a robot who was raised by other robots. But no, just one kind of crazy after another taught to him by, you guessed it- crazy.
My SAH is just learning to show emotions in a healthy way and I know he is remorseful about what he has done.Sometimes FOO plays a part in emotional display/expressions. No tears yet around here, though.
And I personally am struck by the profound unfairness -- WH is the one who did something wrong, but I'm the one visibly suffering?!?
I just know I'm not going to see it. WH in my case is not an emotional person, so I don't think anything short of (god forbid) the death of his mother will make him cry.
Maybe it is fear. It does make me think that he has been so busy tending to me and answering all my questions that he hasn't fully processed it. I think when I cry, he feels fear and needs to firefight the situation. I just want him to feel it with me. I think it would help me see that he gets it and that he has deep emotions. Also, I have been struggling with feeling empathy and compassion for him, so sometimes I think if I saw him cry it would help. A wall would be broken down between us. Heck, I would even take shower tears!
Sailorgirl - I think you have a good point. I think I want to see that it hurt him more than it hurt me. I'm going to think about that tonight.
Now I never though about it going the otherway and that there would be the issue that he would cry too much! Ahhh, just a happy medium please!
On a side note, his mother passed away 8 years ago. No tears.
If you're getting acknowledgement of the emotion (sadness for you, shame for himself) - and it sounds like you might be - then I'd worry a little less about how it's expressed.
My H has major FOO, which he would never admit to (see?? FOO!)
Every MC session I would be a blubbering idiot. Him?? nada. He even told us one time "If you are waiting for me to cry about it, it won't happen"
So how bad can he really be feeling???
He cried about our son leaving the family.
He cried when he said something to one of our DD.
Cry about betraying ME? More than once in our lives?? Nope. Ain't gonna happen.
Could be why (among other things) I am detaching, and have D in my sights!!