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User Topic: Is it wrong to want my WH to cry?
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't at all. Needless to say, I have cried a lot in the past 6 months. When I read about other WH crying with their BS, I get a little jealous. I want us to cry together.

I wonder if it is just not possible or if it is a sign that he isn't getting it or is not remorseful.

By asking him about it, he feels this pressure to cry which then will make it more impossible. He is IC so I asked him to ask about it there.

So am I asking too much or for something that's impossible?

[This message edited by ILINIA at 10:36 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so with you girl. I have no answers for you, sorry. But I've had no teary confessions or apologies either. And yes, I expected it. I wanted it. I needed that. I read about that with others, and feel jealousy too....just like when I see happy intact marriages, I'm jealous of those too.
Is the desire to see that reaction because that's how I reacted ,and it would have sent the message to me that he felt as badly as I do?
I will keep checking here to see insights from others.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 481 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's wrong, I wanted to see that he had actual feelings. Turned out he did. The all-day crying session last October was the start of his turnaround. Some WS can turn them off and on at will, but for some it does actually indicate emotion.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. There is nothing wrong with it. I felt the same way. My WH#2 also never shed one tear for what he did to me and our marriage. He is the type that gets all teary eyed at shit on TV, but for us...Not ONE TEAR!!! I was livid for quite some time about it. Of course he has down played and rug sweep the whole LTA, so I guess to actually shed a tear for what he did would be admitting what a POS he was during that time. The most I get out of him is he screwed up and he is sorry. I have finally just came to the conclusion that he will never really feel the pain of what he did so we will never really R. Sorry I know that wasn't much help, but I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I have wanted my WH to cry or at least to show that he is devastated that he has ruined our marriage and broken up our family. I have given this a lot of thought. My WH is a pro at compartmentalizing - I've always known this. I found something on this site about this and it helped me a lot. I think it's under FAQ for the WS? My WH has never been able to show emotions. He was taught as a child to "just deal with it," and that showing emotion is a sign of weakness. So, he has an ability to just shut things out that are difficult. I wonder if your WH is similar? This is also how my WH was able to cheat on me with multiple women over many years. When he might have felt remorse/guilt, he just shut it out. My WH was able to meet OW #1, have sex in a parking lot, and then come home to dinner with our family. He said he never felt guilty because he saw his relationships with all the OW as separate from our family. I didn't know, so it wasn't hurting me. I wonder if your WH just puts what he did out of his mind? I think my WH is still telling himself the same lies - that all men do this and it really didn't mean anything, etc. He does say he's sorry, but I have given up on waiting for some emotion. I'm sorry for you also.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope not wrong at all.
Crying is a sign that he is feeling the pain of it all, and perhaps some real remorse.

I remember thinking this in the early days of R. I remember thinking why isn't he sad that he is going to loose all of this if he doesn't get it. I did finally see the tears, the snot running down his face, boo hoo, swollen eyes tears when I finally got strong enough to tell him enough. I was done, and get out. This was after him half assing R, and breaking NC multiple times, and still lying, and mimizing, and getting angry when I would be upset, and so forth.

That was also the day he finally really got it. That was the day real R started.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Although I have never received any confessions, I wish h had shown remorse. Its been my experience that fear is stronger. H freezes, afraid any emotion will mean the wrong thing. Then control. They are trying to keep everything under control..Being very precise. So what I get and what I see is a wall. H broke down and cried one time, after H, me, and Ow attended a public speech, together with 8 others.(his work) He crumbled. At that moment, someone walked up. We couldnt speak for awhile. He denies that ever happened. Now I wonder was it pressure? was it regret? did he miss her? I will never know. that moment bothers me.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 948 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Although I have never received any confessions, I wish h had shown remorse. Its been my experience that fear is stronger. H freezes, afraid any emotion will mean the wrong thing. Then control. They are trying to keep everything under control..Being very precise. So what I get and what I see is a wall. H broke down and cried one time, after H, me, and Ow attended a public speech, together with 8 others.(his work) He crumbled. At that moment, someone walked up. We couldnt speak for awhile. He denies that ever happened. Now I wonder was it pressure? was it regret? did he miss her? I will never know. that moment bothers me.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 948 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's wrong. You want to know he has feelings for you. I felt and still feel the same way.

My WS called me crying once and apologizing, the day she broke OM's car window. I was so happy, I said "the prodigal son has returned", and I started what turned out to be a false R (see my post "R with a bang?"). Alas, I never actually saw the tears, and I felt that I wished she had cried in front of me instead of just on the phone.

I later came to understand she was crying about what OM did to her, which made her feel like I did, but not really about guilt or empathy for me. She has seen him and likely had sex with him again since, and she stopped all MC and IC on her side. She also asked for S.

So we're on our way to S. I'm 180ing and NC-ing her, and I am considering just filing D to get it over with. I need to heal, and she's making it impossible through her lack of remorse. She needs to get in or out of the marriage, but this standing in the doorway is letting the cold air in. And I'm all out of warmth.

What you're feeling is normal. You want to see true repentance, true remorse. Do take notes if you think he's not capable though - you may need to just let him go.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 11:04 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got tears on dday. And on my birthday, when I was playing with The Beagle (that is actually, our dog's name, LOL), it was the first time after dday, that I smiled. He cried, because he was afraid, he'd never see me smile again. Other than that, no. He tells me he's sorry, and he comforts me, and holds me.. But no more tears in front of me. I've heard him cry in the shower a couple of times.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
SoVeryTired5
♀ Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my WH would cry too. He's only teared up a few times, including both DDays. He can't even allow himself to cry in MC. He instantly shuts down in an effort to stop himself from really feeling his emotions.

It's a constant struggle for me because I am the exact opposite. I've always been a very emotional person, and his infidelity just magnified it. It kills me that I can be sobbing so hard that I can't breathe, and he just stares at me quietly.


Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your feelings are normal and justified, Ilinia.

My H said remorseful things from d-day on, and followed "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair" to the letter. I was healing and even trusting him (with verification), but I had a wall up for my protection. I felt love for H but very little respect.

About three months post d-day, it started to sink in for him what he had done, not just to me but to himself when he threw away his integrity for OW. We would be discussing the A and he would be rationally answering my questions when suddenly he would crumple. Quietly shaking in anguish. He would turn away from me--it was no show. This is going to sound maudlin, but it was like seeing into his soul. He stopped hiding his shame. My wall started coming down.

This happened a handful of times. I saw how much he hated the A--how it haunted him. How deeply he wished he had walked away from her. The look on his face and his body language was worth 1000 "I'm sorry's".

I knew rationally that the A was not about me or the marriage, but I couldn't feel it until I saw how broken he was. I don't want to see him suffer like that anymore. I want him to work on his self-worth until he believes that he is an essentially good person who did a horrible thing because his emotional growth had been stunted.

It may not be crying in particular that you're looking for--my H shed only a few tears. Maybe it's mostly that you want him to be vulnerable to you? Truly open without any image-control. If he bares his emotional self, I think you would see evidence that what he did hurt him more than you in the end.

It takes a ton of courage to be vulnerable and genuine, and some men especially struggle with feeling like it's weak. To me, it's the ultimate in strength to let someone see you hurting to the core and reach out for help and understanding. I've never wanted my H more.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish WH showed emotion and didn't seem robotic in his interaction with me. He tries to say some of the right things, but then gets aggressive and defensive instead of having emotions. It ruins everything.
It feels like he's hiding something. Maybe that's why we want to see some real feelings?


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH does cry, and cries often enough, and tbh, it bothers me. I understand that he regrets what he did and is ashamed and that he was broken, but it's me who should be crying. It was his choice to do what he did so own it and stop crying. It's a weird situation to feel like I have to comfort someone that hurt me.

He cried this morning, as a matter of fact. He's hurt that I question him doing nice things for me. A couple of weeks ago, he brought a bouquet of roses home for me. A couple of days ago, I mentioned in another thread that he emailed me a quick "love you" note. I told him that I appreciate those gestures but that doubt creeps in that they aren't pure intentions but maybe he's guilty of something those days. He says they are pure intentions, he wants to do nice things for me and he started crying that I would question that although he understands why I would. He cried that he doesn't know what to do, should he continue these things or not. Like I said, it pissed me off that he was crying about it. He doesn't know whether he should buy me flowers or not? Tough shit. I don't know if I can't trust him not to sleep with whores. It's kind of a big difference.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've actually only cried like 5 times. I did not cry much on dday. And then didn't cry again for a month, I cried the day after my birthday (the one month anti, because we got snowed in, and were unable to celebrate my birthday, as we had planned. ) and then the other three times were this monday, tuesday, and today. I guess it's catching up to me...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to see tears too- something.

My SAH had a mountain of FOO issues so tall and one of them included the good ol' "boys don't cry" falsehood. SAH was taught NOT to show emotion at all. I actually started to suspect he was a robot who was raised by other robots. But no, just one kind of crazy after another taught to him by, you guessed it- crazy.

My SAH is just learning to show emotions in a healthy way and I know he is remorseful about what he has done.Sometimes FOO plays a part in emotional display/expressions. No tears yet around here, though.


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's wrong. For one thing, you want to see real emotion. You don't want to be the only one grieving the loss of your old M.

And I personally am struck by the profound unfairness -- WH is the one who did something wrong, but I'm the one visibly suffering?!?

I just know I'm not going to see it. WH in my case is not an emotional person, so I don't think anything short of (god forbid) the death of his mother will make him cry.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses, it makes me feel a bit better knowing others feel the same.

Maybe it is fear. It does make me think that he has been so busy tending to me and answering all my questions that he hasn't fully processed it. I think when I cry, he feels fear and needs to firefight the situation. I just want him to feel it with me. I think it would help me see that he gets it and that he has deep emotions. Also, I have been struggling with feeling empathy and compassion for him, so sometimes I think if I saw him cry it would help. A wall would be broken down between us. Heck, I would even take shower tears!

Sailorgirl - I think you have a good point. I think I want to see that it hurt him more than it hurt me. I'm going to think about that tonight.

Now I never though about it going the otherway and that there would be the issue that he would cry too much! Ahhh, just a happy medium please!

On a side note, his mother passed away 8 years ago. No tears.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember, there's also this thing known as crocodile tears. I got buckets of those from my xWH. Feeling so so sorry for himself. Wah wah.

If you're getting acknowledgement of the emotion (sadness for you, shame for himself) - and it sounds like you might be - then I'd worry a little less about how it's expressed.

(((ilinia)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked (to myself) this same question.

My H has major FOO, which he would never admit to (see?? FOO!)

Every MC session I would be a blubbering idiot. Him?? nada. He even told us one time "If you are waiting for me to cry about it, it won't happen"

So how bad can he really be feeling???

He cried about our son leaving the family.

He cried when he said something to one of our DD.

Cry about betraying ME? More than once in our lives?? Nope. Ain't gonna happen.

Could be why (among other things) I am detaching, and have D in my sights!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

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