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User Topic: 6 yrs out, anyone else getting worse instead of better?
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

realitybites - well said, and very accurate. I said pretty much the same thing to him last night. When really F'ed Up (slowly) becomes your normal, your internal bs and pain compass becomes seriously skewed. My pain tolerance was at max level for a very long time. Doesn't help that I probably entered this marriage at a higher than normal place.

Years of stuffing that shit away (something that did not come 'naturally' to me) and dealing with a non-remorseful spouse who, while not cheating, was definitely a Dry Adulterer (wayward thinking all over the place), was just TOO much when the anger and depression of a surprise pregnancy hit. Up to that point I was already starting every single day at such a low that the smallest thing threatened to bust that crack wide open, I couldn't take anymore. I tried to 'do' something about it, hitting the gym religiously and losing weight, going out with friends, getting back into a hobby, reading self help books, and a bunch of other distractions. The better I felt about me, the more I just HAD to deal with this. This nasty cancer in our marriage. I had a sort of do or die freak out.

It has not solved all of my problems, but it has accomplished much. The moments I feel disgusted with where I am, I work to remind myself of where I was. I was invisible, and now I have my voice back!

Affairs, lies, TT, gaslighting...they're all emotionally abusive, but for some of us, our whole marriages have been emotionally abusive. It may seem that we are in the early stages of dealing with his A (which is accurate), but we are more in the early stages of dealing with a VERY dysfunctional relationship with two clearly dysfunctional people. Of course he lied about the A and treated me like dirt, of course I laid down and took it, what other way would we have handled it, it was a well rehearsed dance.

Just five short months ago I was still invisible, playing a supporting and very non-important role in my H's life. I have come a long way. I have a very long way to go.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mitz66))) I can not imagine finding that out. It takes so much to stay with a person that doesn't truly get it, we would certainly not survive him doing anything even remotely on the A spectrum ever again. I am so so sorry you're dealing with this!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB, prior to discovering his A I was actually hoping he would have one. Then I could point to this thing he did that no one would think wasn't horrible enough to leave; it would be my OUT!

Emotional/Psychological abuse/manipulation/vague intimidation...it's a damn hard thing to describe to people who haven't experienced it. And where do you even start? Like all forms of abuse, you don't tell anyone. It's your shameful secret that leaves you so isolated. Before his A I hadn't even necessarily realized myself what exactly had happened/was happening. It's a quiet, slow, insidious process that takes over your existence. By the time you have a clue, it's very very bad.

When push came to shove (the discovery of the A), our dynamic was solidified. I was too weak to walk, too broken to face it, too tired and dysfunctional to face, much less deal with, my own issues; so I stayed. I stayed and killed myself a little more each day trying to fix a problem I didn't create and couldn't fix. I stayed and died a little more each day to not face the problem I could fix, me.

We are not those same people today, but we have a long way to go. Will he do the work? Who knows. For now I am many steps ahead of him, time will tell where he and we end up.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotDefeatedYet - The physical aspect of our marriage is better than it ever has been...for me it makes it that much harder to reconcile how crappy other parts of it are. We finally connect intimately (at least sexually) in a way that leaves me devastated with the reality that the other side of intimacy is so lacking.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Wounded,Your post made me so sad. I truly feel for you and especially for your kids. So your WH is a loser and chose to be with another woman. He chose her, and he has disrespected you and your children. He doesn't deserve anymore of your time and energy. 6 years?! Wounded,I am only 7 mos out from DDay. I, also, am feeling more pain than I ever could have imagined. So please take what I am about to say with the care that I intend. Do not let the Asshole affect you like this. Think of your kids. I'm sure you are a good mother and would do anything for your kids. Get up right now, take a shower, and put on some makeup. Clean up your house, even if it's only one room. Your kids already have to deal with a Dad who screwed up. Let your kids have one good parent. One parent who will show them they are loved above all else, and that life will go on. Get up, and do one new thing today. This is your one life. It's time to let go. It's time to move on, and live your life. Sorry if I sound preachy. I just really feel for your 5 kids. The one thing that has kept me going is my 4 kids. I want to show them that I'm strong, & to be an example that they can survive in difficult times. Take care of yourself. I'm glad you will see your doctor. There is no shame in taking medication to help you through this rough time. For me, exercise has saved me. I make myself get up and go for a run every morning, and that has been a lifesaver. Eat healthy and drink water.It does help. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers and positive thoughts. I'm so sorry. But you can do this. Do it for your kids and do it for yourself.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would happen if you told your WH how much you are struggling and asked him to handle the Elf on the Shelf and getting the kids gifts. Could he do it? At this point, you should be able to count on him to be an equal partner, and you clearly need more help than you are getting.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Dec 2012
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

staystrong101 - As bad as all of this sounds, we are light years better than we were.

If the A were not a part of our story, I can actually say I have about the best H a woman could ask for, now. But of course, we can not remove that part, or the way in which he still handles it, or more accurately doesn't handle it.

The abuse that defined the first 6-7 years of our marriage is gone, so completely removed over the last 5 years it's hard to believe it was real. For a few weeks during my epic freak out, that man attempted to make an appearance once again (boy can he just not face his A!), but I am not the same woman I used to be. I admit that for a heartbeat I almost fell right back into my 'place' the transformation back to there was so sudden and shocking, but the newer me hit me with a quick 2x4. His reaction to himself was the ONLY reason I didn't leave then, because thank God he horrified himself!

His A had one positive effect, when he chose that he went too far. I may have still had major issues to deal with, but no way was I going to take that any longer. About 1-1.5 years out from his A, he started to work on himself, at least that aspect. If not, I'm pretty sure our moment of reckoning would actually have happened much sooner.

In every aspect of our life that is not related to the A and his handling of the A afterwards, we have a great marriage. We could be amazing...and this was and is our downfall. I had reconciled to living the rest of my life with who he had worked to become. Yes, I accept the fact that this is major settling, but it's where I was. No one is perfect, we will never have a perfect partner. I was raised though to take that a major step further, suffice it to say, I didn't know any better than thinking settling was normal. Who he had worked to become was SO much better than who he used to be that I felt grateful, that asking for or wanting more seemed to be the 'wrong' way of thinking.

I know better now. See, I really have come a long way

Running out now with a friend to shop, will enjoy coming back later to read and post more.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, it is so cathartic to get this all out!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WoundedOpus, I have no wisdom to share with you but wanted you to know that I read all of your writing and I wanted to send you some hugs.
(((((WoundedOpus)))))

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 1:34 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you put into words the exact pain and experience I have. It really helps to finally see it in print. I struggle with breaking down the pain. I not sure what I need from H. I too saw these behaviors creeping up ever so slowly. I remember saying to myself. Surely not!!!! I must be crazy and have serious issues. With my past lives, this was easy to believe..ANd now, I see, most everything I thought I saw in H personality, really was there. What I thought was reaction to pressure, and it was, is really OCD, adhd and alcoholism. ( I now see it in his family also) And the manipulation that comes with it. I believe the A or EA was just another symtom. This realization completely shifted my world again, and gave me a whole new outlook. None good, but something about this makes me feel better. I m ok. It wasnt me. Its not my fault. It wasnt about the OW. Its all about him. ANd it has a name and a cause. Denial was my wall. I was blaming myself partially, not good enough I was boring.. to give myself more credit, h traveled so much, he could live any life, and he could be who he wanted me to think he was. He could plan it. I was very aware he made these plans toward the children. It never occured to me, that he would do this to me. It has turned out to be a much bigger picture. Clearly he hid things from me. I am wondering the scale of that. And sadly, I can never know. I cant say he isnt remorseful. He is very sad. But wont talk about it, prays it moves on. Feeling some empathy finally. certainly needs to take a new path towards fixing himself. Im watching. I feel really dumb, I was too focused on each sentence or incident. It was way bigger then that. Ironically, when I first met H, the words I used were "Whats he up to? I have never met anyone so nice in my life, this cant be real" I wanted to believe it, I had been so abused, I thought I had never experienced nice before. I did give it time. ANd it proved to be real. H and family were involved in church, loving family..... I believed. They move at a very slow pace. It took along time to see it, and now the whole family is having similiar issues . Ive always heard, what you see in the first 3 seconds, is really who they are. Guess I did a t/j. Sorry. and thank you . This made me realize alot.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 977 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
inmisery1
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 3.5 years out, married 25, together 28, for me it keeps getting worse. I needed to know who and what I'm dealing with. We have lived away from family most of our married life. It's been only the 4 of us, I've been pretty much his only friend and companion all that time. I never thought I would be in this position. I hoped that OW1 was a mistake, a 1 time thing, something he deeply regrets. Things seemed to be getting better, we were getting along, going for walks at night, holding hands, having sex. He took me on a second honeymoon to Paris for our 25th last April. He took a job transfer in another state last May, we picked out our next home, moved away, etc. All along my intuition kept telling me something was not right. I had planned a visit to see our kids in August, he encouraged me to leave early and spend the weekend with them. He has a man cave in the basement where he was spends a lot of his time watching sports, I heard him raising his voice, so I sneak down the stairs to have a listen. He was on the phone telling OW2 that he has gone to a lot of trouble so they could have the weekend together, blah blah blah. He had met her when he had first started his new job in May, right after our 2nd honeymoon. While I was in another state trying to sell our home, he was screwing a local bartender in the hotel room the company provided for him. I found out that while I took my daughter to a nearby city for a weekend to reward her for helping us move in (which he also encouraged) he was probably screwing the OW in my bed while we were gone. He hasn't admitted to that one, but the house was empty, she's a forty something year old not quite divorced mother living with her parents and my intuition tells me she was in my bed. While my daughter and I were moving stuff into the house, he decided he wanted to go to church. Apparently it was the church OW2 invited him to( she is such a good Christian) since we were in the house, they had nowhere to screw but the church parking lot. A couple weeks ago something told me to check out Ashley Madison. There he is, a picture of my husband, tagline says he's handsome and well educated, it lists his town as our new location. So that means that all during our supposed reconciliation, he was hunting for his next A. Now at least I know who he is, my husband is a lying predatory asshole. He says he's really trying, he's sick, blah, blah, blah. We're financially secure, I've been a stay at home mom for years. We've moved roughly every 3 years for his career, so I'm sure a judge would award me maintenance and a pretty good settlement. He doesn't seem particularly interested in me, sexually. He's going through the motions for R, but not putting forth any extra effort. I don't know why he wants me here if he's so interested in other women. I'm still here. Right now, I'm giving myself the gift of time to think and evaluate my options.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2011
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life is too short. As difficult as the last year has been my emotional, mental and physical health is light years better than it was during that toxic relationship.

IMO it is not a case of the grass being greener, there reaches a point where staying becomes an act of self harm. It certainly was for me whether I was willing to admit it or not.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
inmisery1
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree SBB, I think I'm preparing myself physically and emotionally for the storm ahead. I'll know when the time is right.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2011
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cancrushed- Can't see the forest for the trees...that is what comes to mind when I think about his affair and the abuse. The A hits you so hard that for a time (quite a long time for some), it's all you can see. I know it's always a symptom of a bigger problem, but when abuse defines your relationship, that is an understatement. We've been walking in the forest of abuse for so long, we no longer see the trees until one is so huge you can't miss it (an A). And an affair is a great big giant ass tree, it takes all of your focus, but of course you can't really deal with it so it just grows. It takes time and a whole lot of personal work to finally take a step back and see the forest of abuse you're surrounded in.

The A can never be addressed until the abuse STOPS. There is zero chance of effectively working on A issues with an abusive partner. You have to get to the point where you're ready to face the REAL problem before you can deal with all of it's disgusting and damaging symptoms.

When I was finally strong enough to face his A and he started to go back to his awful ways as a defense, that was my aha moment. So I put down my affair related books and started down the path of abuse help books instead. The next couple of months for us were bad, really bad. I moved out of our bedroom for about 6 weeks and started to formulate a plan to leave. Finally fearing some real consequences, he went back to work figuring himself out. He had spent a very long time internally rewriting our history so facing the actual reality of it, and the horrible reality of who had been, was an extremely difficult thing for him to do. He had to accept the reality of who he was before the A, during, after, and through all of his various stages to the present. It was an ugly picture for both of us. But it was a freeing picture for me as well. My hell had a name; abuse...and it sure as shit wasn't my fault!

He comes from an abusive, culturally conservative home. He may not have hit me or our children, but he had become his father in every other sense. Trust me, this is NOT the man I agreed to marry, this is not the man than anyone but me (and I'm sure his fiance before me) has ever known. He was nice, smart, hardworking, responsible, not a womanizer, kind and a gentleman, NORMAL! He had only had sex with one other girl and took relationships, love, and above all else commitment, seriously. He was the polar opposite of my ex. We dated for 2 years before getting married. I was unbelievably unprepared for who he would turn out to be. But I was conditioned for abuse, denied the warning signs while I still had a chance to come out relatively unharmed, had a bunch of kids, quit work and stayed home, all while it slowly got worse.

I really am doing much better than it probably sounds. It is just that it is A season, the first of which I'm facing with my eyes wide open and a hell of a lot of years of hurt behind me.

I do not want to paint FWH as a monster. There were times when I surely felt that he was. During the A, it doesn't get much worse than he was, save actual physical abuse, although even then I feared it was coming. Today, if our past had never happened, I can honestly say that there isn't a whole lot about him that doesn't make him a wonderful father and husband. But our past did happen, and until he can completely own that and do the real work to repair himself and our marriage, we will fail. I have come too far in my own healing to accept even an ounce less than I deserve any longer. I would love for him to do this, but I no longer hope for it. He either will or he won't and I have nothing at all to do with that, that is his choice.

SBB, that I do agree with. Self harm is a great term for what I've been doing for the majority of our marriage. I honestly have moved past that point. I can not simply up and walk away quickly, so for now I choose to work on me. I am not actively trying to detach, but I am not actively trying to keep our attachment strong. As for my comment on the grass not always being greener, for me, it mainly just means that I've BTDT so I know there is no rush as it is not a guarantee of great things. If FWH was actively being a total POS I would have to move up that timeline.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

inmisery1, I can relate to the disbelief at finding myself in this position many times. H is social when he needs to be, but he is a loner. I was his only friend really, save a few acquaintances. He went to work and came home, certainly is no shocker that his A was with a MCOW. Out of town job, having to stay over night... He had a whole other life, and we were not a part of it. If he'd had to come home more often the compartmentalizing required would have been much harder, as it was he was very capable of separating things, his two lives never had to cross.

He could go there and be whoever he wanted to be, a tired hard working family man out of town, except he was living like he was single. Me staying at home with the kids made him more attractive, he was sole provider to a lazy wife who he couldn't do enough for, big man at home and big man at work. I'm sure many of their talks were about how hard he worked, how tired he was, how much he gave me that was never enough for me, how much I didn't appreciate how good I had it, how much I just couldn't understand how difficult his life was, how much he needed, how grateful I should be with ALL of things I was given in my easy life. A man and a life she would have appreciated and never take for granted. I'm sure she expressed late into the night over their expensive drinks and dinners exactly how she'd show him that appreciation too

Too bad that was all delusional. If she could have been a fly on the wall of my home for just one day, she would have seen the real man, and it wasn't pretty.

My H and I met at work when I was a single mom to my then 5yo. I worked long, hard hours to provide for the two of us. To this day he maintains that his biggest attraction to me was how smart I was and how hard I worked, too bad he forgot that then. I know all about hard work and sacrifice, something he failed to do while he was living it up. I'm surprised the two of them didn't get fired they were up each others butts so much at work; while I was at home with FOUR kids, no help, and married to an a**hole. A man who was a prude and would rarely have sex with his wife (throughout our marriage). He had a lot of FOO issues and beliefs that gave us a terrible sex life and made me ashamed of my sexuality. This is still one of my biggest hangups with his A. No matter how bad he treated me, I never thought he would sleep with someone else, imagine my shock! He's worked through his issues and our sex life is amazing, now...what a fool!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful10, I asked before I saw your message, and he's taken on the job of moving our elf. He'll buy most of the presents this year, and he's helping out around the house. Not knowing the private side of our life, he has always been the husband every woman was jealous of. He has always had a lot of great qualities but the bad was bad enough that there was just no balancing it out. After the A he has worked extremely hard attempting to 'do' things to make up for it. My Love Language isn't service and there's no amount of 'doing' things that could ever make up for the A or his way of dealing with the aftermath. Lots of effort in the wrong area but it's better than NOT doing things, especially this time of year!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 35
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