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User Topic: 6 yrs out, anyone else getting worse instead of better?
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Helpless  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Six years ago today my husband was driving away in his car and planning a night out with his girlfriend. He was leaving his wife and kids at home, driving out to be with his OW, booking a $500 a night spa hotel room and dinner for 2, talking with her off an on during his 6 hour drive out. He ignored my calls that night, didn't even check his voice mail to make sure all was well back home...

Today is NOT a good day for me. At six years out, today should not have me feeling as badly as I do. I have a very 'Sorry you feel like this' husband, which is not even close to what I should have at this point. We have been heavy in the A season, with 2 more months to go, and this is the worst year yet. This whole year has been the worst, so much harder than year 1 or 2. I guess it should be expected, since this is the first year I/we've really attempted to face what the hell happened then and been happening since. The other years, I had hope. Hope that if we ever finally did open this box that he would step up, get it and dammit, hope that he would want and work to help repair this! Now my hope is gone and after this long I just don't know what to do with all of the things I feel. All of the years of lies and disrespect and bs just feel heaped on top of the actual cheating, that I feel like I'm suffocating!

I realize I'm depressed (duh!). Just called my Dr. to verify when my next appointment is, and OMG it was last Friday. Small thing in the big picture, but right now it seems that everywhere I turn every.single.thing is harder or more complicated than it should be. I wake up ever day and have to make a conscious choice NOT to think "She was worth losing and ruining everything, and I am still not worth fixing it". I know that thinking is wrong and bs, I KNOW that, but six years out I should not still be having to make a choice NOT to think this. He is a weak and selfish man and I am struggling to manage everyday life tasks while trying to deal with six years of shit feelings. I am not managing well. My tree (while finally decorated), looks worse than Charlie Brown's, I have bought ZERO presents for my five children, my house is a disaster, and I don't care. And I have to add a stupid whine here...WTF was I thinking last year to get an Elf on the Shelf?!? LOL My kids are a tad let down by Flash this Christmas, they're lucking if he moves 2 feet from the day before (very unimaginative elf compared to last year), I needed this guilt why?

I'd give anything to go to sleep tonight and wake up some time after Valentine's!

It could be worse. It was so much worse not that very long ago. He has at least partially removed his head from his a**. He no longer blames me and I get very little of the typical FW defensive, blame shifting crap. He looks so very sad and sorry when ever I talk about things (and just being able to talk about things now is huge, as it was always off-limits before). But it is not enough, not even close. I see the pain on his face, I know he is sorry. When I looked at him before I had so much anger. He has managed to do enough that I rarely feel that anymore. Now I just look at him and feel so sad, all I can think is: What could have been.........You fool, we could have been great, we could have been amazing!

Thanks to anyone who read through my long winded boohoo. Happy Holidays to us all!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

I am glad that you are getting in to see your doctor. It will be hard to figure out your future path if you are depressed.

Maybe you can reach down and find the energy to move flash around. I am sure if you are not feeling creative that if you asked for ideas on what/where you should put flash that the members here can help with ideas.

Take some small steps. We can cheer you on.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers and I hope that you some of the Christmas Spirit can cut through this depression.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they値l scratch you up time and time again but in the end you池e polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52328 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My pain was directly proportional to the amount of work Mr. Trac-Fone was willing to expend on fixing his brokenness and address the damage to our marriage. So yes, I got worse for a long, long time before I got better.

Opus, how long are you going to remain with a man who I'm-sorry-you-feel-that-ways his way through your marriage?

It's okay, even this far out, to say, "Hey! I expect MORE from my partner!" SIX YEARS, and the head is only PARTIALLY out?!

I'm glad you're seeing the doctor. Addressing depression is important. I'd consider that it needs to be addressed from a different angle, as well.

Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8729 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am five yrs out. ANd yes, we should all just dump their asses and move on. But we dont always do that. I think sometimes we get just enough improvement to think there might be hope. Its added insecurity when the census says your crazy for staying. ANd even harder when you see posters several years later, post that its over. After all that time. If you are there, its because you choose to be. Something has you still trying. For me, realizing H is alcoholic, put a new light on everything. Not a pretty light, but its a new realization for H. A new challenge. Im getting more numb. Im watching from a curiosity stand point. Not hoping. Just watching. Im in no hurry.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 918 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
crushed47
♂ Member
Member # 33574
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also 6 years out but my marriage didn't survive. I believe that if my marriage had survived, I would have written your post. I believe there is something about the holiday season that causes most people to reflect; some more deeply than others. I have been reflecting a lot lately and I still can't get my arms around how quickly and easily my exww discarded 25 years together and 20 years of marriage. But that is my struggle and yours is to improve - and I have a suggestion. Work on yourself. When I was in the depths I made a list of improvements that I wanted to make to myself and I worked my way through the list (e.g., cosmetic dental work, new hair style, some new clothes, more time spent in prayer, etc.). Also, and this was huge for me, I joined a gym and worked out like a mad man (still do). These things helped me feel better about me. And I really realized that I can only control me; I can't control another person's thoughts or actions - I can only control how I react to them.

I hope this helps.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Central Pennsylvania
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone, very ready for this crappy day to be over.

The fist 1-1.5 years I spent doing everything wrong, no SI or support, so I tried the 'Nice your way back' approach. The next three were us just plugging along, better in some ways and deteriorating in others. There had been a huge emotional abuse component to our preA M and that first year, that was thankfully becoming a part of our past during this time, I truly had hope. Then we ended up pregnant...SURPRISE...and that sent me to a pretty bad place. Up to then, I had been looking forward to my last 2 going to school full time, had high hopes of focusing on me again. He was (still is) a difficult baby/toddler and about a year ago I had a mini melt down. I just needed to get away from him, so I joined a gym with childcare :) Between the gym, the weight loss, and finally getting on ADD meds, I was really turning things around made time for me and made some great friends. I hadn't realized how ALONE I felt, having a friend I could finally confide in was one of the best thing that's happened for me in a long time.

Then it all just sort of hit, the abuse, the affair, the years of lies I needed to face it. Found SI, and can you believe my shock at realizing I wasn't crazy after all?! That the way we'd handled (NOT handled) his affair wasn't right, or healthy and it didn't need to be our normal, and I DIDN'T have to just accept this!?

So I pushed for change, and here I am. I don't yet know what I'm going to do with 'us', but I will continue to work on me. I've read a lot, tons really, and I'm working very hard to figure myself out and fix what ever issues I have that have allowed me to live like this. But this year is still very hard. It feels like the first or what the first should have felt like, except we have six years behind us, another child...

And yes cancrushed, it is VERY hard for me to see others post years after, that they are done. Very conflicting feelings!

Heading out to hopefully buy a present or two, enlisting H to move the elf tonight, and then try to get some sleep.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hon you are handling all this by yourself. You know now,after reading on SI, that he is not in R mode. No remorse, and no supporting you through the pain. "Sorry you feel this way" is passive aggressive behaviour. He's a jerk and that is abusive.

Yes you need to get ADs to help you through this, but I can't help feeling that the sooner you get him out of your life, the sooner all this weight will be lifted too. You only get one life and the years pass very quickly.You've wasted 6 years trying to "stay happy". You know that hasn't worked. You deserve to be genuinely happy. Hugs.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again all...got through yesterday and today is a new day.

Shared all of my feelings (again) with FWH last night. Convo had it's ups and downs and as usual he didn't have a lot to say, but I felt slightly better getting it out. He had the opportunity to do something right and failed (again), he only said one stupid thing versus the multitude of stupid crap he used to, and recognized fairly quickly what he'd done. Still not enough to see R on the horizon, but right now I'm just trying to get through each day (each moment!) as they come.

I knew yesterday would be one of my worst trigger days, the next being Valentine's, so I have 2 months left of our A season - and I plan to work very very hard at using these 2 months to focus on ME, and getting myself somewhere healthier! It would be great if he chose to do the same with himself, but that is his choice to make. He isn't much happier with the state of things than I am. But like I told him, It's his life, if it doesn't look the way he wants it to, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. He's given me, and I've accepted, the responsibility for us long enough, it's time for him to start picking up the slack for awhile!!

He's been a selfish a** for a very long time, sitting back and repealing the rewards of my hard work, and it hasn't gotten us far (of course!); it has only kept us together. I can not continue to grow much longer without just completely outgrowing him. No matter what I choose to do (stay or one day go), he will get left behind if he doesn't figure this out soon.

Again, thanks for the support. I very much needed it yesterday!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, I know how you feel. I'm going on 6 yrs out and my marriage is, well, I don't even have the words to describe. Nothing here will get fixed because he is firmly planted in his "victim reality" that there is no talking to him anymore. Saturday he stood in front of the three of us and blamed us all for his bad attitude.

I wish I had some great words of support to offer you. All I can offer is an ear that will listen and a shoulder for crying on. Sending you (((HUGS))) and strength to get through this.

PS. We also have an elf. She just jumps from the mantel above the fireplace, to the bookshelves, an to the various places on the Christmas tree. I hope this gives you some ideas for your elf.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. I'm 7 years out, and things are worse than ever. It's been a tough year. I don't have any suggestions other than take care of yourself first.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To you people who are staying for the sake of the kids, do you ever think that you may be teaching them that this is the way a marriage should be? Kids imprint from their parents.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WoundedOpus))))


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9730 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not encouraging to hear. I'm only 9 months out, so I'm not where you are. But when I get stuck on something in life, I go back to basics. Sometimes that is what you need to do to get some perspective and move things forward for yourself. I agree with otherstake care of yourself. Make plans with friends. Get a massage. Eat well and exercise. Take a class. Invest in yourself.

I was curioushave you guys who are further out and still in limbo been to counseling? Are you still going to counseling? Are you willing to return to counseling?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not quite as far out as you but I can relate. March 1st will be 4 years. My wh does just enough to make me think he's trying, but that lasts a few weeks or so then it stops, I think woohoo he gets it, but then quickly realize, no he really doesn't. The first 6 months (after final dday) we worked on us in mc, but because he lied to me and our mc the a was quickly bypassed moving on to communication and general mc stuff. That was going well but I now realize I was so desperate to be over the a and have my wh back I internalized my feelings for a year/year and a half after the mc, then all the TT came out. Needless to say I NEVER thought 4 years out I would be feeling like this


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
NotDefeatedYet
♂ Member
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming up on six years and I'm just not feeling it. We have no physical relationship to speak of; more like close roommates. I'm really thinking hard about how long I plan to live like this.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that if my marriage had survived, I would have written your post.

^^THIS.

Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave was pretty much my entire M.

I felt like I needed a good enough reason to leave. For some reason I fel the subtle and not so subtle emotional abuse wasn't enough - I waited for a DD instead.

Even that didn't quite do the trick because he and I had become master rug sweepers and gaslighters. In the end it was his total lack of remorse forced my hand well before I had the strength or courage to free myself.

Someone here once said it is incredibly difficult to not attempt R with what appears to be a remorseful spouse.

I have a very 'Sorry you feel like this' husband, which is not even close to what I should have at this point.

In which case you don't have a FWH, you have a Dry Drunk FWH. You're in Limbo still, it is an awful place to be.

((WoundedOpus))

[This message edited by SBB at 5:57 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5581 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some BS's have a very high pain tolerance, my threshold is pretty high it seems! I think yours is too, meaning you are so used to living like this that you don't know anything else. And add in the fact that you both have never really done anything about the A or anything else, you have rugswept most of it so it is like a small tiny crack in a dam that keeps holding the dam up but with enough pressure through the years it will implode.

You are finally digging into some of these issues, fear holds us back as well so it took awhile, and once we become brave enough to face these issues its like a curtain finally gets pulled away from our eyes and we are like "wow, I can't believe I have lived like this for all this time".

Don't be afraid to seek IC even just for yourself to help you dig thru some of your own issues. And you both should see if you can do MC if you want to stay in this marriage. Avoiding and rug sweeping won't make things go away. Communication and learning to talk are key.


Posts: 5662 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not necessarily staying for the kids, but that is a part of it. I have a 19yo DD from my previous marriage, divorced that one with the grand plan of 'getting it right' the next time. Whether that was the right decision or not, whether that worked out or not, is irrelevant to some extent; the grass isn't always greener, sometimes it's just a different shade of green. Divorcing, moving on, being alone, finding someone else; there's no guarantee that will work out better than whatever you left, my current life is certainly proof of that. I read so much on here where people post about how they're going to get it right this time, show their kids what a real marriage should look like, etc. I pray very hard that this is exactly what happens for them, but I can very clearly remember saying those things as well. So here I am, with FOUR little kids this time instead of one, living a different shade of green.

Life, and the choices we face, are very complicated.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that you want and deserve much more than your getting. Doing all the work makes life feel hopeless. I also get that when you feel down, it is tough to make the changes to feel better. The only way to feel better about yourself and life is to get activated. Others have posted some great suggestions.

I am trying to follow them myself, it is not easy. I am 6.5 years out and just found out wh has not stopped his ea, pa yes ea no. I can only take care of me at this point and you need to focus on you. Sometimes just doing, even if it is for the sake of others helps us to keep moving. Like you did with setting up the tree and pulling out Flash. Hang in there, good thoughts sent your way.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2008
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux - For us, we did MC right after DD, worst mistake ever. Typical blame shifting bs, I felt completely victimized all over again. It gave him a platform to abuse me and helped cause massive damage. Some counselors should seriously reconsider their profession! To be a tiny bit fair, he was still lying his ass off and denying it was a PA and not just an EA, that he didn't admit to until this past August, 5.5 years later

I will not do MC right now. He should be in IC as should I, it's on the list! I went once so that I could lay out my argument for why I won't, counselor agreed and we are in the process of setting things up individually. I'll work on WTF is wrong with me that I've put up with this and he'll work on whatever he chooses to.

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 6:16 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 35
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