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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This is just not fair-whiny vent
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about the whiny/vent but I just feel like I need to get it out so I can move on w/my day today (hopefully)

I wish I could just move on like STBXPOS. At this point there is NOTHING that could ever make me take him back. NOTHING. I am at a point where I HATE him. NC, separation, and distance from him have brought me such clarity about everything but having 4 kids w/the POS means at some level I have to deal w/him and every single time causes me so much pain. I wish he'd just go away. After all the pain he has caused me and his own kids I truly feel they would be better off w/out him, not to mention I fear they will have learned to behave like him - manipulate, lie, cheat, abuse... this terrifies me and I wish I could shield them from this horror.

He destroyed his marriage and the family unit. And he gets to walk around smearing me, lying, and making people feel sorry for him. When I run into people who I know he's manipulated/lied about me and they give me that "look" or cold shoulder I want to SCREAM are you kidding me??? All I've ever done is take care of absolutely everything, be a good mom + all responsibility for kids, work my ass off, and cater to the POS - but they believe his bullshit and it is SO VERY frustrating. And where is he now you dumbasses??? Is he / does he do ANYTHING to take care of his kids?? No, he's living the single life - no responsibilities and now no guilt cause he's always lived like that, just now he doesn't have to come home and look at his family and feel the guilt (never real remorse cause he's admitted the cheating NEVER stopped).

And now the horror of the emotional/verbal abuse POS inflicted on the kids for the last year is coming out. And I am here dealing w/it. Trying to help my kids deal w/their pain. Trying to clean up the damage he left in his wake. And he says to me "well that's why I'm working on myself now and the damage isn't permanent" WTF??? WTF??? And yet there are people (former MUTUAL friends) who buy his bullshit and rally around him "oh poor, poor POS". The reality is these people are small in number - and character, clearly, as they know about all of his cheating but it still drives me crazy. And it makes me angry. And it hurts. And it's not fair. STBXPOS gets to inflict all this damage and then gets to just move on.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 276 | Registered: Oct 2008
SusanR
♀ Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((KJac))))))

Posts: 1931 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((KJac))))) You're right - it isn't fair. None of it is.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24789 | Registered: Aug 2011
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He destroyed his marriage and the family unit. And he gets to walk around smearing me, lying, and making people feel sorry for him.

Yes, they are assholes. Most people with common sense and are not a cheater themselves will know this.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Kjac))))

No it isn't fair at all. I am in a similar situation and it does hurt. One day, when my kids are both in college I will move away and that will help me start fresh and be away from the smear campaign effects.

But, in the meantime, I ignore all those people that fall for his crap. If they are that stupid or weak, good riddance.

I pray a lot, and work on myself, and try to find "the lesson" I am to learn from all of this.

I try to live my life with love and care and hope one day both my kids will choose my way of life instead of what they have seen from FT.

I am sorry this is so hard for you.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Jan 2010
ruby44
♀ Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I can relate. My WH was always the type to twist an event around, where he had complete or at least participated in the fault so that he came out smelling sweet. I think that is why he is so mad at me for outing the A. Do people know about his antics? I felt that I was protecting my children but by doing so, I was giving him exactly what he wanted, secrecy. Now I am the bigger person and he is the one hiding because he does not know who knows the truth. He actually told me that by telling, I killed all chances of R.
But, living well, supporting your children, being the better person, not pretending to be something you are not will eventually shine thru his shit and anyone worth your time will realize that. I always wondered how the longest friendships my WH had were long distance and now his AP is long distance as well. Because he can pretend to be who he wants for that short amount of time he is with them, same for the kids. I was the only long term up close and personal relationship he ever had and it is a shame he threw that all away, because, I know I made him a better person and now that he has lost his moral compass, it will all fall apart.
Vent all you want, that is what we are here for, but remember to look to the future without him and if he is really tainting his relationship with the kids, they will move on without him as well.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 276 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so get what you are saying. WH lied to so many people and made them believe we were having problems for years and that HE tried SO HARD for those years to make it work...so one of his best friends actually supported him having the A! He duped him and got the green light from someone...all he needed to feel good about it all.

So many times I wanted to text his friend that WH and I were living a normal married life and if we were having marital problems it was news to me!

Jerks.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly! He convinced people we were having problems, he was just unhappy, that I'm horrible, etc. And all of it is/was either completely twisted or flat-out lies. STBX actually admitted to me in the past (so many times of false R, TT, etc.) that he smears me and outright lies about me to make himself feel/look better. I know those who believe him are dumbasses who do not deserve a second thought from me but it's so hard to not let it bother me. Anyone w/any great "self talk" advice in these situations would be greatly appreciated!!! Just looking for some kind of "mantra" to say to myself when I'm confronted w/these people or ruminating in my own thoughts...

@ruby44 - I have outed every affair in the past (even called several of the OW's) and was met w/his anger, rage, blame, etc. And then I always took him back. After Dday#4 in August I kicked him out and he never got back in (despite his repeated attempts at false R and rugsweeping) but did not "tell" many people this time. Part of it was my own embarrassment, shame, humiliation at this happening yet again. Even though this time I KNEW I was done I was just so embarrassed. He has taken advantage of this and used it to his benefit to smear me and blame me for marriage "problems" and basically absolve himself of any wrongdoing. Just another shit sandwich he's feeding me. I have started to correct people when they ask. I thought I would be ok w/whatever because those who know me would know better but the truth is it bothers me way more than I thought it would this time and it also makes me feel like he just "got away w/it" yet again. And I am sick of it.

Thank you all for the hugs. I really need them right now. I have found that whenever anyone IRL hugs me right now (and LOTS of people want to do this and I appreciate it) it makes me cry


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 276 | Registered: Oct 2008
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing what these POSs consider to be 'marital problems.' My STBXH said we were going through a rough patch because we weren't having sex every day.
It's just blame shifting.

People who believe their lies aren't worth the heartache. They'll either find out the truth on their own, or they're POSs themselves.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1631 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
SusanR
♀ Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if you were having "marital problems", I doesn't justify infidelity! You promise for better or worse. Not, just as long as you make me feel like a sex God!

Posts: 1931 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I have never understood that whole "high road" thing. The fact is, when someone is telling a story and the otherside says nothing, the story is often believed. It's the reason that criminals who don't testify on their own behalf are often convicted. People want to hear both sides. If my husband ever pulled this crap you can bet your ass I'd be defending myself and telling the truth. Now, if you don't care about the people he's talking to and their opinions of you, I wouldn't worry about it. But if he's smearing you to people who matter, I'd be setting the record straight.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4018 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 11

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