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User Topic: Affairs cause brain damage?!?
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do affairs cause some kind of brain damage? It's a half serious question. Went to court today with my BFF who is getting a divorce from her WH. He is a classic narcissist. Like not just throwing the label out there - if she posted here people wouldn't believe it he's so bad. Watching him in court, as his wife of 14 years, who he married at 17, mother of his children, cried on the stand while she was being questioned about life after she first found out about his affairs. He was smug and actually enjoying it. I wanted to kill him.

She went crazy after her Dday. I went crazy after my Dday. After court, we go to lunch with her family, including her sister who had an affair with my BFF's husband. Yeah - her own sister is one of 3 affairs my BFF knows about. One of the others was her BFF since grade school and lasted her entire marriage. The other affair is now his pregnant fiancé that he brings to court to divorce his wife. Head spinning yet?!??

Anyways - we got to talking about how dramatically people change during/after an affair. WS and BS alike. Maybe not all as extreme as her and I did but we can't be the only ones. What is it about infidelity that seems to change the core of who people are - irrelevant to which hat they wear? She was talking about how sad it is to watch my WH, out of his affair for 15
Months now. He talks different, he acts different, his mannerisms are even different. We talked about how bad things have been on my end - how much I changed during WH's affair and right after Dday. The real me has only recently started coming back. Same thing with her. So what the heck is it? Temporary brain damage from the trauma? The lies? The justifications? The history rewriting? Does that actually mess with our brain chemistry? Some odd version of reality distortion causing our chemicals to go ballistic?


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the constant hits on the head with the 2x4's shakes the brain a bit.

I was bat-shit-crazy, really in the beginning. I didn't recognize myself and I think I scared the crap out of some people.

I think the emotional trauma is just too much to handle.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I was bat-shit-crazy, really in the beginning. I didn't recognize myself and I think I scared the crap out of some people.

Yeah - me too ;( Still just really seeing the damage *I* created in the tornado that was me after Dday. Lots of amends to be made by me. I always knew I had no coping skills,
But I had "survived" so much trauma in my life before, without any, I had no idea how dangerous that was. I have a boat load of coping skills now and 99% of them are even healthy!


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have lost my ability to think or concentrate on anything for more than a minute. I find it difficult to read a book or the newspaper these days. My brain feels permanently fried like it is always tumbling in a washing machine. Time passes so slowly yet sometimes I look up and an hour has passed without me realizing it because I zoned out. I hate bed time and stay up until at least 1 am to avoid it because I cannot turn my brain off. In the early days I went from zombie to raging lunatic and back in just minutes.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate bed time and stay up until at least 1 am to avoid it because I cannot turn my brain off

I did this. You know what helped me, it's silly but...

I would go to bed and close my eyes and run the same "story" through my brain. I always pictured my husband and I had won the lottery...big ass 300 million type. We hired a limo, surprised our friends and drove off...buying them cars and houses, stopping at banks to pay off mortgages etc.

At first my brain would try to wander, but I would redirect back to my limo-lotto winnings and continue on our spending spree.

For a bit I got through a lot of the story in my mind, eventually I would be sleeping before the limo pulled out of the drive-way.

Worked for me and I still do ot today.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go to bed and close my eyes and run the same "story" through my brain. I always pictured my husband and I had won the lottery...big ass 300 million type. We hired a limo, surprised our friends and drove off...buying them cars and houses, stopping at banks to pay off mortgages etc.

I totally forgot I used to do this!!! I have done this off and on my whole life, insomnia has been a companion whenever I had stress. I did it VERY often during WH's affair while I tried to pretend my life wasn't a disaster but totally forgot about it after Dday. Now I take melatonin and for the most part - I sleep very well.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thedoctor put me on clonidine for my blood pressure... It knocks me out. So getting to sleep has been ok, staying asleep? Not so much. It's helped with my focus... Unfortunately, i'm focused on one thing...

Without the porn, my wh is a whole new man. Less agitated all the time, kinder, more snuggly. Sharing feelings... Crazy. I am... Usually laid back... Lately, i've snapped at my kids, him, my cheerleaders... Short temper... It's like we switched places...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My insomnia is still a huge problem, compounded with a bunch of health issues that just magnify the problem.

Does this make you nuts? Hell yeah.

Aside from that, I'm glad to mostly have my brain back. In the very beginning, when it was just 'I have feelings for her and she does for me' I actually went into this weird zone where everything was logic. That lasted through the 2 weeks of TT, though I did get more and more angry as time when along. Then the suggested snoop of the phone, the reveal of the PA and whammo, crazy. That first night, cold detached crazy woman - the one where you feel like you're in a movie or watching yourself.

Then 1 month of intense round the clock possessive thoughts of the OW, searching for any info on her, digging at the WH for info, etc.

It's slowly backing off. It can only do that because my WH is really toeing the line and I can see how far he honestly has come because he's now getting concepts that he didn't before he started IC/reading/learning. That's changed the whole dynamic of our family, particularly with how he relates to our daughter, which is huge.

So I can see where down the road this horrible thing will be beneficial for us all. Right now I'm still too bitter to say that bit out loud. I'm still angry. I'm still working through it. But it doesn't possess me, you know? I'm starting to see the chinks of light shining through into my life again.

We just have a long road of work ahead of us and no guarantees. That is scary, but it's ok. I have stepped into my power. I will not be letting it go ever again.

Hugs to you all.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
RedWheelBarrow
♀ Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say this a lot. I feel like my brain doesn't work anymore, especially since he left. I forget really important things. Recently I even forgot about my son's recital! I worry that the damage is permanent, because I really don't see improvement. In fact, it may be getting worse. Certainly still having some PTSD issues. :/


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
Divorced!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you do the research, there is something very similar to PTSD that happens to those of us who have been cheated on. Technically it's not PTSD by definition but if you google you will find things like this:

http://youmebpd.com/ptsd-effect-affair/

The poster basically says that if you remove the part about mortal danger, a lot of the other symptoms of PTSD fit. There was another actual name for it when it's an affair like Post-Affair Stress Disorder or something like that.

But yea.. we all got some sort of brain damage from our WS. Thankfully that's all I got an not an STD!


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not the person my mother gave birth to. Fundamentally to the core different, and not in a good way. I do feel mine is so bad because I was dealing with my mom dying and the revelation of my H affair at the same time.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I look at other woman and wonder what it would be like to be with someone who has never betrayed you.

Then I will see a woman with her husband and want to go up to him and say, dude, I don't know who, when or where but your wife is a cheating whore and you need to dig for the truth.

Man am I messed up.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often look at people just enjoying each other's company...going to dinner, a movie, having wine...whatever. Groups of friends. I wonder how this happens. I hear of people getTing together a bunch of girlfriends to go on a girls weekend or whatever and I cannot fathom how this happens.
I see happy couples so all about whatever it is that they are doing...so sure of their trust in their spouse and I know I'll never feel that again.
I have panic attacks. I get triggered. I stuff it all down but can't always manage it and it becomes obvious.
I have memory issues. My brain is foggy. I feel almost nothing but upset and anger. I rarely am able to feel love but if I do, it's in bursts and this is towards my children as well. I have health issues like crazy and cannot work because I cannot stay well. My emotions are damaged in all aspects. It took a lot more than one affair to get me here but people minimize it, like its easy damage to get over.
An affair is like cumulative damage for many people. Lies, betrayal of unbelievable proportions, loss of finances, the whole sex thing which is really just the symbol of everything they stole from us...very much like it initially was the symbol of our love for each other. An affair is full of so many things...so many aspects of other awful things. It's a lot to expect to come out unscathed. If you add it or several of it to other damning experiences, it's a disaster of epic proportions but there will always be someone thinking you should "just get over it". Move on...let it go...

Yes...it causes damage. Yes, it causes at least, a PTSD like response. I believe, that if pushed far enough, it can turn a formerly loving, fairly awesome person into a sociopath by stripping away normal emotive responses. Maybe I'm wrong there because I can still feel shame but most of my emotions are just missing now.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure it's all brain damage, though there is great deal of brain alteration.

At almost 4.5 years out, I am beginning to think some of these changes are permanent. I should also mention that regarding the A itself, I feel really good in relation to my M. That's why I believe some of this is just going to be part of my life from now on.

I have a reduced ability to handle "normal stress". I have a very physical reaction, that did not exist pre A. It's not a panic attack, just a very physical sensation of discomfort that washes over me.
I manage it, by sitting myself down and waiting it out and even though my mind may have processed/and or removed the cause of the stress, my body takes much longer to get the message.

I also had a complete political 180. Obviously I won't go into detail on that, but I think that's one of the bizarre outcomes. I guess when change at your core everything is affected in some way.

I feel less intelligent too. That really bothers me. I really think if I were to take an IQ test, there would be a notable decrease in mine.

I think my neurons are all rewired in some crazy new configuration, that I will spend the next few years trying to understand. And just when I was getting a handle on the old configuration. sigh


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a BS, it's like getting hit with a wave of John Coffey flashbacks, and it gives new beliefs and an an entire new perspective on life.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 786 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've become an obsessive and irritable mess. I can concentrate on anything else. My relationship with my kids has suffered. I snap at them constantly. The baby's cries, my toddler's whines, and my 7 year old's shrieks literally throw me into a rage at times. I become immersed in finding out information or overanalyzing everything that I shut everything else out. Things that were once enjoyable, I no longer find joy in. My body is on autopilot when it comes to the day to day things, but my brain is always running and thinking about WS. I HATE it. I want to move on already. I want to shut it all off. I want to enjoy time with my kids and actually focus on other things for once. I don't know how to stop!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..
Does that actually mess with our brain chemistry? Some odd version of reality distortion causing our chemicals to go ballistic?

excuse the pun but I believe it's a 'NO-BRAINER'

..anytime one's reality is turned on its ear like the devastation of betrayal and subsequent destruction of core values and beliefs by the person or to the person, it's going to affect you in a hugely negative way.

..both WS and BS are at risk.

..I now live in the belief that the man I called my 'best friend' died from his brain tumour, the seeds of which, were planted in his brain when he first took 'my girlfriend' to a secluded parking lot and convinced her to experiment with other guys, starting with him!!

..that point in time was a defining moment in all of our history together. From that point, he had a dirty secret to hide from me and his current gf. He had to live every day with that betrayal in his brain.... it was from that point, embeded in his conscience and it grew in size each and every time he took her to that place ... he knew it was wrong, on so many levels, his ego convinced him he could 'get away with it'... but the conscience can't be fooled or dismissed..

..his betrayal was mostly of himself and he couldn't escape the inner conflict it produced... the chemicals released at every subsequent betrayal and the stress of pretending to be my friend all the times we spent together.. his brain was working at deception and cover-up. All the years this went on, he had to fight with himself to keep his two lives seperate..

..until I finally caught him.. then the shit hit the fan! He had to face his life of betrayal, he could no longer deny his actions. But the damage was already done, the tumour had gained a foothold and was so deeply entrenched that he couldn't wish it away.

..the guilt and shame then reared its ugly head and he was then forced into damage control, more lying and minimizing and deflecting. He considered himself a master manipulator and i'd agree with him, not ever knowing it was 'I' that was being manipulated!!

..so, after being caught, he spent the next 18 years in some mental no-man's zone, fallen off his self-appointed pedistal of trust and integrity.

..his brain had to work overtime to cope with the two people he was being. Reminds me of the sci-fi sequence when a robot's prime directive is over-ridden and all the robot's circuits self-destruct. It can't function when being told to stop and go at the same time!!

..he lived a life filled with compromised values and morals, knowing he was the worst friend a man could have, yet pretending to be the best friend.. and H to his two wives.

..how can a life of such opposites be healthy for the brain??? Quite simply, it can't!!!

..the brain self-destructs under such polar opposites of behaviour..

He died at 57.. 37 of those years spent in mental conflict, guilt, shame and, I hope, self-loathing.

"Affairs cause brain damage?!?"

I have no doubt at all!!!!

(Psalm 109 confirmed it for me)

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:27 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
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