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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New to this - Advice appreciated
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WW just asked for separation. "She doesn't trust me". She's crazy, thinking I'm going to leave the country without paying child support, that I'm going to accuse her of abandonment if she travels, her mother has been adding all her fears on her and because she's too proud or "busy" to read (but not to schedule pilates, watch TV and crap), she believed everything.

This is the woman who I caught "with her hand on the cookie jar" (her words) via phone when she was at the hotel. Her reflected guilt is so high now *she* can't trust *me*. Hilarious.

I'm not afraid. Master of my fate, captain of my soul. I know I'll do the right thing by my kids and even by her. She has nothing to worry about. It will be a relief to be out of the house for a while.

I am 50/50 R/S but she'd rather play victim about me "being on top of her" than feel remorse for her actions. Meh.

So looking at rental Real Estate right now. Calling my lawyer tomorrow morning.

Has anyone else gone through this that can advise me? I'm in CA.

Wish me luck.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't move out. It will show the judge that you trust her and whomever she brings around your children. Stay in your home until you get an appt with the atty.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2318 | Registered: Jan 2012
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting. My lawyer had advised me to move out, because he's afraid she'll pull a domestic violence accusation.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh, just read your description of the OP! Please tell me your lawyer is aware of this and will be putting a restraining order in so he can't be around your children!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 9995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl,

Thanks,

And yes, we'll discuss that in our appointment. Although I believe that relationship is dying now too. Either way, RO is a future fact.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also new to this. I see that your son is Autistic, I have friends with kids on the spectrum and I know that changing routines is not good for them. Is your lawyer aware of your son's condition? About the OP as Nature_Girl mentioned? These things may change his advice. Who is the primary caretaker of the kids? Does the WW do most of the taking them to Dr's, school functions, social events, etc? Or do you? You can live in the same home and be considered separated if you occupy separate bedrooms and you do not regularly have marital relations. (At least in my state). Check into that.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to the others, remember to take advice from your L but he/she works for you, make sure you are getting what you feel is fair. Take care of yourself and your kids. No conversations with WW unless necessary and only kids and finances.

You cannot love her back into the marriage,trust me on this one. She has made a decision that affected all of you without your consent or knowledge. The only thing that will wake her up, and at this point even this is a maybe, is to continue the 180 and file for S/D. Do not let her discuss how this is your fault, this has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Many others will give you really good advice also. Make sure you take care of you.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As of right now we are only sleeping separate after deciding to separate. We will do this in an orderly fashion. We will see a mediator Friday to iron out details. I asked for Friday so I can use the weekend to look at real estate if I need to bail.

My L is aware of all of it. He is mostly concerned of a spurious accusation of domestic violence, because he says I have two strikes against me in this county - male and nonwhite, plus the OP previous DV conviction and some comments she made regarding me being a flight risk for being from another country means that's already in the air.

She is primary caretaker although I do help a lot. He did ask about the routine for our boy. I don't know how well he will do with me gone but he recommends to rent a house with enough space for both kids to have their own room and very close to here, so I can be there for my autistic son whether in the house or my house. It may not go that way once mediating though.

Since it will be a separation and not a divorce yet (the intent is to reconcile unless I hear different from her later), all custody discussions are left for later, and we will probably alternate days caretaking or something. That's why I'm moving so close (I saw a great place online 10 blocks away).


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not move out of the marital home at all. So what if she will try that bullshit domestic violence crap . Is there history of it? That comment about you not being white is racist in itself. I do not think color of skin matters in divorce but if that is a card you want to play than good luck. You seem not very affected by the affair emotionally? Strong. That is good. See your lawyer and take his/her advice but remember as someone said they work for you . Good luck


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 705 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like your lawyer is on the ball! Listen to her.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get a (VAR) voice activated recorder and keep it on you at all times while in the house. Don't tell your WW you have it and keep it in your pocket with you while in the house. That way if she does accuse you of something you can pull it out and prove the claims are false.

From your description your WW isn't remorseful at all and still possibly in the A. You asked for advice, here comes my 2 cents worth. Do the 180 asap and detach from her. File for D now instead of S. She isn't remorseful so S does nothing but prolong YOUR agony. Go ahead and file for full blown D if SHE was truly on the fence then handing her D papers might wake her up. If she was already completely checked out then she isn't going to care and the blameshifting and lying will continue but you will be D and this will be over with instead of it being prolonged. Either way filing for D gets you out of limbo and on to your new life. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:24 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1922 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. I'll be getting a VAR then, if for no other reason than to carry it around in my jacket.

Thefly559, without getting into politics, the bottom line is that no matter how good I may behave, it's a consideration. I'm not saying it's the only consideration, or a card I'll "play". In fact, the reason my lawyer recommends leaving but making sure everything is ready on my side to receive my kids ASAP is so that that card never *has* to be played, by her. I don't plan on "playing" it, thank you very much. And no, there's no history on my side. But OM has a history and has been to jail for it. And if you read my story you'll find that it's not beyond WS to try to beat up on a man (OM was the target just last week, she destroyed his car with rocks and did beat him, though he didn't respond).

I was tremendously affected emotionally. But as of recently it's been less. And after Friday's incident and last night's MC session where she said she didn't trust me and wanted to S (read my other posts) I no longer feel anything for her, because she's un-remorseful and selfish. She has been sad and crying, but not over me. Maybe it will work to snap her out of it.

Last night I had a strange calm. Today it's harder, but I'm NCing her as much as I can. She's trying to contact via text, telling me about her day. I've only answered to logistics/kid related questions.

Also, it's very hard to NC in the same house. It interferes with my healing. And I have lots of healing to do. Hence the move. It won't happen right away (after Xmas?), but it's important I do this.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has been sad and crying, but not over me. Maybe it will work to snap her out of it.

Last night I had a strange calm. Today it's harder, but I'm NCing her as much as I can. She's trying to contact via text, telling me about her day.

She is plan "B"ing you. If her A with OM is falling apart she is mourning the loss of the A not the loss of you or your M. She is reaching back out to you now because you are the soft place to land. You are her second choice by default since OM and her might be on the rocks. If they aren't on the rocks the principal is the same she doesn't want to let you go so she can continue to cake eat. Stay strong. If she doesn't own her shit and fix herself then even if she comes back she's a dry adulterer which means she's only there until the next unicorn comes along. Don't settle for that bullshit and keep moving forward. If she is going to fix herself she will and true remorse looks completely different from what you are seeing. Best of luck.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1922 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure they're on the rocks. Having said that, at this point I truly no longer care. Working on myself and my own healing.

She did say Monday night I was the better of the two options (other option being "nothing" since she doesn't see her Aloving longer than another two months or whatever). Whoop dee...

She also called him the trailer and me the mansion. I don't know if that was a compliment or materialism. She's been acting very weird.

So I'm better than nothing. I guess you have to start somewhere. Then again, I know my value and the kind of man I am. We will see what's ahead.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times.

She's busy building you up to be the bad guy so she can justify her cheating. But don't put it past her to make some shit up (like fake DV charges) to get what she wants.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say VAR, file for D, and not moving out until there are at least custody orders and maybe an RO in place. Although I'm sure your lawyer has his reasons I don't see how moving out protects you from DV allegations. The idea of healing is a good one but you also have to think of long term consequences. She sounds like an extremely unremorseful user that will become a serial cheater (if she hadn't already) should you try to R.

Love the screen name by the way


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are convincing me. Careerlady's summary is the best one (and yes, I thought it was a particularly clever name, especially considering I came up with it DDay+3 I think).

I don't believe she's a serial cheater but at this point I'm not sure I want in the M either, so it's actually a huge weight off my shoulders.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I can add is to avoid arguments and hostility with your WW. Be nice and pleasant and refuse to be drawn into conflict. Your wife needs confrontation, since she can suppress the guilt by getting angry and blaming you for just about everything thats gone wrong with her life.

Also its a bad idea to annoy people who are acting weird. Can't predict their reactions.


Posts: 1811 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
justastatistic
♂ New Member
Member # 36314
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Careerlady is 100% right. I am a lawyer, though not in CA. I would suggest you get another's lawyer's opinion before you take any of your current lawyer's advice. Make sure it is someone who specializes in family law, and preferably does not but family law with an emphasis on representing fathers.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2012
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all, buying a VAR. And thanks, justastatistic - I called a couple of lawyers today. Everyone is so busy due to the holidays though, one shut me down because they can't take clients until the end of the day.

I put together a short, 6 paragraph story with all the relevant details, so I can shortly explain my situation over the phone to each lawyer I call. Shopping for lawyers for the holidays...

I understand she has talked to a lawyer and is freaking out because her lawyer (who has never met me and has only heard her complaints about me) wants an 8K retainer, because "He's a flight risk, he could become violent, he could kidnap your kids and take them to his home country, etc etc etc" (so much for no politics - and why would you want a lawyer who wants an arm and a leg and only scares you?).

I think she's being swindled but I'm not saying a word. I wonder if she told her that the entire extent of the violence committed in this entire A is that she assaulted the OP and destroyed his car?

Anyway, this is a rollercoaster. Feeling sad today, but so thankful I have in all of you so much good advise. I will survive this and come stronger on the other side. Wish me a lot of luck


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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