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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Now and then... still need help
Scorpio2310
♂ Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been hitting this site pretty hard over the past few days. I want to better myself. Most of the time I do feel like I am making progress. The I will talk to my BSO and her anger and pain flare when I try to use some of the tactics that I learn.

I know that it is wrong to ask my BSO for support and acknowledgement during this time period. I am looking inward for validation, but I am still new to this and don't have a lot of self-validation to draw off of.

I think that part of my problem is that in my last major relationship I was co-dependent. I wanted to be the center of her attention, and all of my validation came through her. BTW this person was my AP also.

I guess what I am asking is if it is ok to seek outward validation as I ween myself off of it. I'm not sure if or even how to cut it off completely. I think that it was the lack of both outward and inward validation that lead to my EA.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is validation for you. You are doing the right thing, keep it up. We are here for you. We care about you and care enough to respond to your posts.

As far as asking your BS for support, remember that you have destroyed their world. They need validation and compassion too. Are you able to give that to them right now? If not, why would you think they are capable of helping you right now?

Learn to validate yourself. Learn to sit with things that are uncomfortable for a little while. Learn to stand on your own two feet, because that seems to be the root of your problem.

Good luck and keep posting. We are here for you.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Scorpio2310
♂ Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I try to validate her as much as I can. I am slowly learning to validate myself and stand on my own two feet. It feels like the ground I'm standing on is made of quicksand. I'm hoping that I can turn it into concrete though.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Validation is complicated. There is such a thing as healthy validation but the line headed towards unhealthy validation can be difficult to see at times. As human beings I feel it is natural to want validation. It is our expectation of it that makes it unhealthy.

For example, you may be working on a project at work. Your boss can come up to you, give a firm pat on the back and tell you job well done. You feel good about that. You worked hard and acknowledgement of that is rewarding. However, in that same situation, it becomes unhealthy when you expect him to come to you and tell you that you did a great job. Because what happens when he doesn't come through? You might become resentful. Saying to yourself, damn it! I did a great job. What an asshole for not acknowledging how hard I worked to get that job done!

I think the same goes for R. When you feel you are doing all of the right things you are still wanting that pat on the back for a job well done. The problem is that any BS probably won't want to give you that pat on the back for acting like a good spouse. You should have been doing that all along, right? Again, it's the expectation of validation from her that will cause the problem.

The process of R really helped me learn about validation. I had to learn to do things because I wanted to and not because I had an expectation of what the outcome of that may be. I may have had hopes for an outcome but quite often the things I did weren't received with smiles and pats on the back. I had to learn to be ok with that. I had to realize that no matter what the outcome, I was fine because I knew I was doing the right thing and I could feel good about myself just knowing that.

Be cautious of using "tactics". I'm not sure what you meant by that exactly but part of the reason she is getting angry with it is because she is feeling you are attempting to control or manage the situation. Just be open and honest. Let go of expectations.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 6:33 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you don't mind a response from a BS. But I hope my WH finds validation in the fact that I am still with him. That I see something worth fighting for and I hope we can build a new, stronger M.

Only you know if you can change and be the man she deserves. If you think you can, let that lift you up. It's ok to pat yourself on the back for your progress if she isn't able to yet.

[This message edited by AML04 at 6:49 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I hope my WH finds validation in the fact that I am still with him.

Wow! Just wow! This is one thing I am sorry I forgot to mention in my last post and very, very important. Just the simple fact that your wife is still there speaks volumes. Try to really take that in and begin to stand on your own two feet. Think of what you can do for your wife and not yourself so much. KWIM?


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The process of R really helped me learn about validation. I had to learn to do things because I wanted to and not because I had an expectation of what the outcome of that may be. I may have had hopes for an outcome but quite often the things I did weren't received with smiles and pats on the back. I had to learn to be ok with that. I had to realize that no matter what the outcome, I was fine because I knew I was doing the right thing and I could feel good about myself just knowing that.

Thank you, walkingoneggshelvz.. this gave me so much encouragement. I too am expecting too much and looking so hard for validations from my BH. I just have to give myself a pat on the back myself if he can't for doing my best. And yes, I also must be grateful that he chose to stay with me and haven't left me or asked me to leave


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm lucky to have found this thread! It exactly hit on what I've been feeling for the last couple of days. I've been trying to be the model of a transparent, remorseful, grateful WW and I think at some level wanted some approval from H for my efforts, probably an unreasonable request under the circumstances. We had a big fight last night because he thought I had been dragging my feet finding an IC and I felt unfairly picked on. I have to try to get those needs met in some other way, not expect it from him.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Topic Posts: 8

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