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Wayward Side     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double life ending it?
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
DOH!  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright, I concur. The fact that you pay young women to fuck you, after enjoying a 5-star meal and the ballet, does make you vastly superior to the rest of us.

Seriously, though, you're perfectly illustrating two common cheater characteristics. We justify our actions, and we project our feelings (e.g. anger, resentment, fear) onto others.

It's like they say in AA, if you want to keep drinking, that's your business. If you want to quit, it's ours.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1110 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suspended,

Money does not impress me. Fine wine, private jets, and the "finer things in life"? Could care less. You can keep dropping hints about how epic your life is, but know there are a few lowly human urchins around here that see right thru it.

Your awesome fantasy unicorn land will come crashing down around you one day. Cheat and justify if you want. You're the one that had to live with yourself.

My last piece of advice? Drop the bullshit. Your soul is broken. That's the bottom line.

I see you here not to get help, but to have debate and look for validation that you're an ok dude. You get a hard on from the lively conversation. I'll not partake in that anymore. I mean, that's what your high class whores are for right? To stroke your ego and validate you?

Good luck in whatever path you choose.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Clearview
♀ Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:43 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
OktoberMest
♀ Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before I posted on SI I read it a bit. I had an idea of what sort of responses I'd get and the general aim of the forums, esp the Wayward one is to call other WWs/WHs out on their bull, and support when support is needed. I'd assume most people posting here have done the same.

Your posts confuse me if I'm honest. You don't listen to people calling you on your excuses and behaviours and you are pains to point out how great your life is, and even BETTER than the rest of ours.

I love being married, have a great relationship with my wife good sex life, great kids, this is just the cherry on top. Ideally I would never give up either, but reality is the latter has to go.

Only you seem to realise it's not really that great...

I still put on a front in my day to day life and act happy, silly, funny like I always have, but inside I am numb to almost everything. I have compartmentalized my actions and know deep down I cannot continue. This is not a sustainable lifestyle.

...yet you still seem so proud of it.

You're adamant you're in control of everything and and while you came here asking how to stop what you're doing, you certainly don't seem to want to stop, in fact you go to great lengths to defend it. So what IS it you actually want from the forum?

You come across as incredibly financially driven. Mosts posts have some reference to money...sadly while it makes the world go round, it really isn't what cherishes the human spirit.

Practically a Ned Flanders from the Simpsons just much wealthier.

I admit freely to knowing nothing about the SB/SD world, but the one thing I do learn about it from your posts is it's all about the money.

So they get your money, what do you get...a cheap thrill and the knowledge that you are betraying, lying to, cheating and undermining the woman who actually deserves your time/love/financial security. You say you earn 98% of the money and she has no idea what assets you actually have - that's probably because she trusts you to not lie and spend it on other women. Wake up, you're a cheater. Plain and simple. A cheater, and a liar. You have betrayed your wife and family over and over and over again. That's really sad, so far from something to be proud of. Most of us here eventually spend months/years struggling to deal with the shame of what we've done...somehow I don't think you'll give it a second thought. I hope I'm wrong.

You talk about your religion and pop at others expressing their opinion as they couldn't understand if they're not religious.

For 25% of my life I lived a principle based life. Right is right!! I allowed very little leniancy didn't watch R rated movies, porn never, cursing never, always trying to live by the Golden rule because it is the right thing.
Unlike you it was driven because it is how we are "supposed to live" once that belief is removed. The selfish desires creep and in and the "does it matter" justification steps in.

Right is still right. You surely don't need to fall back on religion to understand this. You're an adult and as such I expect you know right from wrong. With or without a religious faith. What you're doing is wrong. Plain wrong and I suspect you know that. So YES, how we are supposed to live DOES matter.

Before being a church goer I cheated, partied, drugs, exuberance, lied, me, me, me all the time a true POS.

So nothing's changed? Oh maybe you earn more money and give allowances to girls rather than abuse drugs, but let's not split hairs here. Church/religion clearly didn't really affect you so why bring it up?

You are right about one thing though...you have identified selfishness as your main driver.

My biggest reason for wanting to quit is selfish. I would never confess, but would hate to be found out because it's so Jerry Springer ish. It would shock the foundation of what I am known for and what I "preach" to everyone around me.

God forbid you would look like you belong on an episode of "jerry", or others would know you're basically phoney. Why does that actually matter to you - surely being genuine and honest with both your self and to you family is what actually matters.
I wonder how a huge financial disaster would affect you. It's clear that YOUR needs ad YOUR wants are your priority and it's sad your wife is so second place on your reasons to quit your lifestyle.
The 2nd reason is my wife deserves more! She is still quite faithful and does plenty of volunteering homeless, Habitat for Humanity, Soup kitchens, etc etc.

I do agree with you. Your wife certainly does deserve more.
We know it and apparently you know it.
Ok so you've been given advise on how to stop...I'm more interested to raise the question: "why did you start?" Without fixing that you'll be back sliding down that slope.

Just like all affairs while by definition they are the same, in reality they are really all very different with there own set of variables, conditions, and causes.

There are individual differences, but at their core an affair is an affair.
'Glenfiddich or Canadian Mist, my cheating friend, no matter how much you pour into your leaky bucket it'll never fill up.’

I could not have said this better myself.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, tomorrow I'm going to try to not install those apps and see how that goes.
Suspended, how did that go today?

Did you take your first step towards living authentically today?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37356 | Registered: Sep 2007
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Suspended.. Please let us know how your first day of authenticity went? Or did you spend too much time berating me on my thread? I hope you don't abandon your thread. You need the help that SI can provide to you.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 806 | Registered: Jul 2012
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:41 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 34 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^bump^

Have you broken off all contact with the OW's?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197357 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
♂ New Member
Member # 41576
Happy  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you broken off all contact with the OW's?

YES

I sent a long why it needs to end message (not the real reason)to the current SB with a Christmas gift. Hopefully she will read it feel as encouraged as she can, enjoy the gift, and be able to confidently move on to another SD type of guy or just move on with school. Winter break starts tomorrow her last final was today.

As the boyscout motto is

LEAVE IT BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT
hopefully I was able to do that. I've never tried to end something so abruptly though.

I then deleted her number from my app, so I would not be tempted to see her response if I ever did reinstall the app again. The message was detailed enough that talking to her again would be awkward if nothing else that was the safegoat I purposely put in there to deter me from seeing her response or seeking her out.

So, two days down and many days to go !

Thanks for asking!


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a man with zero boundaries...so your first step is to quit using the icon.

It's good you ended it, I hope you can straighten out what's broken inside you to continue down a healthy path of living.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197357 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
♂ New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright, I concur. The fact that you pay young women to fuck you, after enjoying a 5-star meal and the ballet, does make you vastly superior to the rest of us.

I'm glad you agree!! I never said superior I said it's different than you portray it that's all. If you haven't lived the life you cannot adequately critique it because you are assuming too much. If you want a very long detailed explanation send me a PM. If you still agree it's just

The fact that you pay young women to fuck you, after enjoying a 5-star meal and the ballet
I'll take it all back ;)

Seriously, though, you're perfectly illustrating two common cheater characteristics. We justify our actions, and we project our feelings (e.g. anger, resentment, fear) onto others.

Okay, if arrogance is one I will agree. When you do it all on your own and reach the top you can get a little arrogant. I'm sorry ;( it's like trying to tell a NFL player

he just plays football on the weekends.
that's a little belittling.

I explained how I thought I got here over the course of years. Not that I deserved to be able to do this. I don't see how you get "justify" out of that?

It's like they say in AA, if you want to keep drinking, that's your business. If you want to quit, it's ours.

Agreed 100%

You're a man with zero boundaries...so your first step is to quit using the icon

I'm used to the remember I text 3000 plus times a month to kids, wife, and the previous aforementioned women. It's a habit lol.

[This message edited by suspended at 1:14 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I want to take you seriously and help you, but you make it near to impossible to even like you.

We have really great people on this site and I personally feel like you're using us all as a big fat joke and if that's the case, just move on to somewhere else. But if you actually want to become a better man, husband, father and overall human being we will help you get there.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197357 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
♂ New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I want to take you seriously and help you, but you make it near to impossible to even like you.

We have really great people on this site and I personally feel like you're using us all as a big fat joke and if that's the case, just move on to somewhere else. But if you actually want to become a better man, husband, father and overall human being we will help you get there.

I can definitely sympathize with that standpoint!! I don't like when people can't respond without taking it personally. I don't think you have taken it personally at all, but some posters have 100% taken it personally!! The problem I have is as long as the WS follows the standard template of:

I'm so sorry, screwed up, broken spirit!
I was in the fog I have it so much better at home!
I need to confess everything now I can't cope!
Add the acronyms of choice I rugswept, trickle truth, help me move forward etc etc.

As long as that is followed everyone is very supportive. The minute someone disagrees with that and actually has reasons they believe that..... suddenly there is a problem.

I know my viewpoints are unique there is a reason for that. I fully understand that they can rub people the wrong way it's not the intent.

Maybe if we some responders could remove the emotion and stay on topic just looking at the facts the conversations would be more civil.


[This message edited by suspended at 1:39 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So....are you saying you aren't broken and that you haven't screwed up? Then why are you here?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know my viewpoints are unique there is a reason for that. I fully understand that they can rub people the wrong way it's not the intent.

This site has been around for over 11 year, I promise you you are not unique. It's not that your viewpoint rubs people the wrong way...it's your delivery that does. No one wants to be talked down to. You came here like you already had all the answers and when people call bullshit you just became more and more arrogant. That's what people don't like.

Nothing is a one size fits all...we're all different and offer our own experiences and opinions. But in many cases if we're all saying the same thing its because most likely it's the truth.

What do you want us to help you with because we will


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197357 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
♂ New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you want us to help you with because we will

You already did reading enough on the site, the stories, the hurt, was enough to push me over the edge to stop.

From here onward it is day by day like anything in life you try to change.

I do appreciate this site for that!!

Nothing is a one size fits all...we're all different and offer our own experiences and opinions. But in many cases if we're all saying the same thing its because most likely it's the truth.

I do agree with this!! Unless it is math it's hard to prove it unequivocally!!

I still believe confession is the wrong choice in most situations. I understand that most here, if not most in general, disagree. That does not mean it is right....ideology would dictate that. Right with the confines of vows, principle,contract and western societal framework? YES!!..... but when looked at from a utilitarian viewpoint which action brings the most happiness/joy to tell or not to tell. Then the choice is easy!!

Not knowing is clearly better!!

Thanks, DS, for being even keel in your responses.

Aubrie

Broken, No, I'm not. Do I believe it is wrong? Yes, I do or I would continue to do it, but thanks for twisting the point yet again!

[This message edited by suspended at 2:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't twist the point. You're just refusing to take off your Gucci rose colored lenses and see the bigger picture.

Brother, get off Unicorn Mountain. The air is thin there and it's messing with your head.

Good luck in life. You're seriously going to need it.



Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not knowing is clearly better!!

For you it may be...but it wasn't for my husband or the majority of BS's here.

But that's not really the point of what you're needing, is it?

I think there is probably a really nice man underneath all that fluff and if he was able to come out you would probably like him a whole lot more than what's showing now on the outside.

So what's your next step?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197357 | Registered: May 2002
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess what it comes down to is whether you place more importance on how people see you or on how you actually are. Right now it seems as if you are living entirely for the former, and as the two diverge you are having to put a lot of mental effort into keeping two conflicting realities coexisting in your brain. I'm basing that on statements like "I have a great relationship with my wife" and "My wife is experiencing an authentic marriage". A great relationship is not one in which one person intentionally manipulates the reality of the other person in order to get their emotional needs met. That is not loving. That is using. Your wife is NOT experiencing an authentic marriage with you because you are not being authentic in any way. See the logical inconsistency? Right now it seems like you're thinking is distorted and you're wrapped up pretty tight with a strong sense of entitlement.

Again, it comes down to what is more important to you. How people see you, or how you actually are. I think until you start telling the truth your relationships will continue to be based more on using than on love. That is a sad waste of an opportunity to experience the gift of this life on a much deeper and more fundamental level.

Just an opinion from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not everyone here claims that everything was so much better at home nor does everyone here toe a party line, so that is inaccurate. What we DO all have in common is the belief that cheating is just plain wrong, regardless of whether or not things are bad at home or you like young hot girls' bodies or whatever.

As DS said, it's the smug, self-righteous, superior attitude that has people annoyed.

Forgive me if this has been asked, but: would you be cool with it if your wife were spending family money to pay to fuck college dudes, and kept it a secret from you?

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:11 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Topic Posts: 72
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