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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I the only one here sad about divorving?
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was incredibly sad. I couldn't believe it was happening and that he never even gave us a chance. He ran like a coward and left me to pick up all the pieces, and file for divorce. He didn't do one bit of work to legally end the marriage. The fact that he had moved out, flaunted his OW all over town, took her on a vacation while we were still married was one more slap in the face. His life wasn't going to change whether we stayed married or not so he chose to let me handle it all, as usual.

I am still sometimes sad and he's been gone for more than three years. I never believed he would ever choose to hurt and betray me and our kids like that. I honestly didn't see it coming and still work to process it.

Everyone is different and we all process things differently. We all have gone through a similar journey, but sometimes the big facts are different. Sometimes, the most recent A wasn't the only one and the BS is just done. Sometimes, there has been many years of other kinds of mistreatment or abuse in the M and the A is the thing that just pushes the BS over the edge.

I didn't have that. My ex was a wolf in sheeps clothing so all of this came right out of left field. It seemed like overnight he turned from a loving, caring spouse to a cruel, heartless bastard who could have cared less if I sucked on the end of a pistol. Because of that, I knew it would take me a long, long time to heal. I know myself. While we all hurt in this forum, I do believe some of us have an easier time letting certain things roll off their backs. Some of us have an easier time saying and meaning it when they say "fuck that guy/girl.". I often envy the people who can do that. I just had a harder time. But, the good news is that it has gotten better and continues to get better all the time. Although this was not how I saw my path, I see now that he wasn't meant to be a part of me forever. The sadness is lifting and hope is coming back.

You'll get there.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very sad that I had to get a divorce. XH didn't even try to reconcile... he didn't want to let his girlfriend go. But I got married (exactly a year ago) and divorced all in one year so it was basically very fast from start to end. I am just happy that I learned so much... I know now about infidelity and what to do just in case if this happens to me in the future.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, am so very sad it came to divorce. I fought so long and so hard for our M, but the pain and suffering of 5+ ddays became too much to bear. WH said he wanted R, but he didn't have his heart in it. So often my need for kindness and understanding was met with defensiveness and contempt. So I detached and emotionally walled myself off from him. Our in-house separation is hard on my heart, and I look forward to the day our D becomes final.

I, too, reluctantly turned to divorce, but I learned the hard way it was my only viable option.

Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not happy. Even though he was disgusting, I felt like shit.

When I got the final paperwork packet in the mail, stating that I was divorced for good, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I laid on the couch for a good part of the day, then I went up to Soc Sec office and the DVM and changed my name. I wanted no part of having that piece of shit's last name. But I still felt like shit.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am terribly sad. He was my best friend. My partner. Even though we are civil and amicable, I am torn up and don't expect it to really get any better except with time.

Sending you a PM.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 607 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not happy about divorcing. I'm working hard to just have some semblence of happy after my entire life came crashing down.
I have loved my H for over 20 years. We have been together, this time, for almost 10 years.
In not one of my posts have I rejoiced for his betrayal or our subsequent D.
He left me for her. He threw me away like I was discarded trash.
I'm still working through how a human being treats another human being so horribly when that person has been nothing but good to them.
He was emotionally abusive after he started his A. I've been dealing with a real asswhole for 3 years now. DD only made him worse.
He won't even consider R. He completely disrespected me, so, yes, I'm happy that I am not that same, pathetic person that wished for him to choose me over her.
I am healthy enough to realize that I should never have had to compete for my own H.
When our D is final, I will be melancholy or outright depressed when our D is final.
But, everyday, I work at not letting his brokenness break me too! I put a smile on my face and fake it til I make it.
I love the holidays, so right now it is a little easeir. When all the Christmas cheer is gone, and I have no more festive lights to cheer me up, I fear I may come crashing down.
M is forever, so D is like a tragic D of something I honored and cherished and he crushed and threw away so callously.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♀ Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


This is still fresh for you Jersey and everyone deals with these things differently.

I was married for 25+ years to an emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative man. I was so co-dependent that he didn't even have to say anything to me - he could just give me a look and I would know what my particular failure was at that moment. I was totally wrapped up in the reality that he projected for me. Even with everything that he was doing, I didn't want a divorce. I loved him desperately and that was part of the problem. In my marriage, both of us always loved him more than either of us ever loved me. I was fighting to keep my marriage intact. I don't know where I found the strength to finally file for divorce, but I did. And, even then, I would have stopped the process and reconciled if he had even attempted to correct some of his issues.

I mourned my marriage. I mourned the life that I thought I had signed up for. I mourned the youth that I wasted on an undeserving man. I dealt with my feelings of failure. I dealt with my feelings of religous failure (I never knew how Catholic I was until I decided to file for divorce!). I dealt with admitting and accepting the emotional abuse that I lived with for so many years. I dealt with the shame for what I had done to appease him. The divorce from hell lasted so long that I was able to completely mourn those losses. When it was finalized, I was able to CHEER! But, I was cheering the end of the legal battle, not the death of a marriage. I was cheering my freedom from the oppression that was my marriage.

I still miss being married. But I don't miss him. I still miss having his side of the family. But I don't miss him. I still miss the financial security, the intact family unit, the millions of little things that help make up a life with someone...but I don't miss him.

Good does get easier.

Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Posts: 1741 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 27
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