I am still sometimes sad and he's been gone for more than three years. I never believed he would ever choose to hurt and betray me and our kids like that. I honestly didn't see it coming and still work to process it.

Everyone is different and we all process things differently. We all have gone through a similar journey, but sometimes the big facts are different. Sometimes, the most recent A wasn't the only one and the BS is just done. Sometimes, there has been many years of other kinds of mistreatment or abuse in the M and the A is the thing that just pushes the BS over the edge.

I didn't have that. My ex was a wolf in sheeps clothing so all of this came right out of left field. It seemed like overnight he turned from a loving, caring spouse to a cruel, heartless bastard who could have cared less if I sucked on the end of a pistol. Because of that, I knew it would take me a long, long time to heal. I know myself. While we all hurt in this forum, I do believe some of us have an easier time letting certain things roll off their backs. Some of us have an easier time saying and meaning it when they say "fuck that guy/girl.". I often envy the people who can do that. I just had a harder time. But, the good news is that it has gotten better and continues to get better all the time. Although this was not how I saw my path, I see now that he wasn't meant to be a part of me forever. The sadness is lifting and hope is coming back.

You'll get there.

I, too, reluctantly turned to divorce, but I learned the hard way it was my only viable option.

When I got the final paperwork packet in the mail, stating that I was divorced for good, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I laid on the couch for a good part of the day, then I went up to Soc Sec office and the DVM and changed my name. I wanted no part of having that piece of shit's last name. But I still felt like shit.

Sending you a PM.

This is still fresh for you Jersey and everyone deals with these things differently.

I was married for 25+ years to an emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative man. I was so co-dependent that he didn't even have to say anything to me - he could just give me a look and I would know what my particular failure was at that moment. I was totally wrapped up in the reality that he projected for me. Even with everything that he was doing, I didn't want a divorce. I loved him desperately and that was part of the problem. In my marriage, both of us always loved him more than either of us ever loved me. I was fighting to keep my marriage intact. I don't know where I found the strength to finally file for divorce, but I did. And, even then, I would have stopped the process and reconciled if he had even attempted to correct some of his issues.

I mourned my marriage. I mourned the life that I thought I had signed up for. I mourned the youth that I wasted on an undeserving man. I dealt with my feelings of failure. I dealt with my feelings of religous failure (I never knew how Catholic I was until I decided to file for divorce!). I dealt with admitting and accepting the emotional abuse that I lived with for so many years. I dealt with the shame for what I had done to appease him. The divorce from hell lasted so long that I was able to completely mourn those losses. When it was finalized, I was able to CHEER! But, I was cheering the end of the legal battle, not the death of a marriage. I was cheering my freedom from the oppression that was my marriage.

I still miss being married. But I don't miss him. I still miss having his side of the family. But I don't miss him. I still miss the financial security, the intact family unit, the millions of little things that help make up a life with someone...but I don't miss him.

Good luck...it does get easier.