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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have another question please answer. My WH admitted for a short time he did think about leaving me said he couldn't handle my depression. But then he decided he can't live without me and I guess OW told him if he leaves me she's not taking my place but he claims he chose me before that. I just don't understand how he could think about leaving me at one time and now want me is it possible I'm begging you all too answer i would like as many opinions as possible please.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is this:

I divorced my WS. Thru it all he says he has not hurt our children at all, that they would be fine if I would let them come and live with him.

Of coarse I do not buy into this crap, but what I am wondering is this: Does HE truly believe it? Has the OW brought him that far from reality? Or is he guilt ridden that our kids have no father living in the home?


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Jan 2012
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't understand how he could think about leaving me at one time and now want me is it possible

I think it is definitely possible. I never thought about leaving BW personally. But I know that most of my thinking didn't make sense during my As. I misinterpreted my BW on a daily basis. When I was a jerk, and she avoided me, I told myself that she didn't love me any more. I focused on all the things I thought my life was missing, instead of all the things that I had.

In general, the way WS's think during the A doesn't make sense. To you or to us. I think that all sorts of inconsistent thoughts and actions are possible.

I think someone here said that she almost considers her WH to have lost his mind for a few months. It feels like that to me, looking back.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe my WW had her affair in part because of resentment toward me. It seems that some of her motive was to inflict pain on me.

Can any WS relate to this?

Can any WS relate to when they are upset with their BS now. Do you think *well I got a few good licks in on BS before*? and does this give some sense of satisfaction?

I came across a old journal of my WW which has me tumbling down into a dark place today.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryingsodanghard

How long did it take for your sex drive to return with your BS?
Did you ever fall in love again with your BS?

It never went away. My H was out of the country during my A. It was over by the time he returned home, I never lost the desire to have sex with him.

I never stopped loving him but it has taken me awhile to learn how to demonstrate love in healthy ways (love languages, love is a verb etc.)


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ifeellikeafool

After the PA ended but before I confessed, I spoke to BH about leaving him. I was so digusted with myself, I didn't know how to handle what I'd done, I hadn't found SI, I had no coping mechanisms.
I didn't want to leave him but I was a coward and running away seemed the best thing to do.

Then I confessed, I found SI, got myself into IC and developed healthy coping mechanisms. I committed 20000% to R.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Homewrecked

It's impossible to comment without knowing the situation and I'm not familiar with your story.

Do the kids stay with their father for the weekend? Does the current visitation situation suit everyone? If so I see no reason to disrupt it.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor

There may have been things in your marriage that made your WW unhappy. You may have even done things to hurt her. It might all be written out in painful words in that journal.

But you are taking too much blame for her A.

If your WW felt resentment towards you she should have dealt with it appropriately, not gone out and f*cked another man.

If she wanted to hurt you she should have communicated why that was and left you, not gone out and f*ucked another man.

No matter what the state of the M before the A, it is never a reason to cheat. It was your WW's poor coping mechanisms, poor boundaries, etc that meant she couldn't deal withthose feelings or that situation.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH got up from the dinner table and told us he was leaving. He left for my children's friend's mom. The boys were distraught and now shake their head at their Dad's bizarre life. We do not tell him of their pain because he turns it back around on them and me... saying that he "had" to leave the family that no one loved him here. When the youngest was having meltdowns, XWH said the kids needed to live with him that that was why they were having trouble coping. He never admitted they were falling apart because he broke up the family and moved in with the OW while her H was working out of state.

He sees them every other weekend and they don't even want to live with him. He has created all this in his head -- even bought a huge house for them to move in with him, but they wanted no part of it....

So, will he/does he realize the damage he inflicted on the kids?


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Jan 2012
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Yeah, I honestly don't think it matters!

What he wants is completely irrelevant. The kids are 12 and 15, right? Plenty old enough to make their own decisions about who they live with. If they are happy living with you and are ok to see him every other weekend then stick with that.

Send one email detailing the children's wishes RTG to where they live. Explain why the current set up is what's best for them. Crickets to everything else about the kid's living arrangements. They have made their feelings clear, anything said further by him is manipulative and delusional.

Sorry you are going through this.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor
Do you think *well I got a few good licks in on BS before*? and does this give some sense of satisfaction?

No, no, no! In my darkest, most selfish moments the closest I came was saying "I deserve this!" not "BS deserves this"

Journals are a way to explore private thoughts. Maybe even random thoughts. Talk to your WW about what you read. Make her help you understand why she wrote what she did. If there's something in the journal that rings true, you can work on that without taking responsibility for her A.


Posts: 201 | Registered: Mar 2014
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ifeellikeafool

I just don't understand how he could think about leaving me at one time and now want me is it possible

Yes it's possible, and really very common. Maybe you should read some of the Wayward forum. Many, if not most, are in shock and awe of the things they thought and said during their A. It's like invasion of the body snatchers. My thinking was SO demented. Truly like being on drugs. If your WH is remorseful, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him.


Posts: 201 | Registered: Mar 2014
ifeellikeafool
♀ Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for answering my questions.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Journals are a way to explore private thoughts. Maybe even random thoughts. Talk to your WW about what you read. Make her help you understand why she wrote what she did.

This is very true. Sometimes they are a rambling way to figure out what is bothering you at a specific moment in time. For me, putting something in writing is a good way to uncover my feelings and work on them. So something I wrote in my journal is often the last time that I actually felt that way.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help! Reading a thread about waywards being sick about their actions yet remembering the sex was enjoyable has me triggering. Actually I am having a bit of an anxiety attack! Help me understand please.... So are you remorseful and regretting that you had sex but honestly still remember that you enjoyed the sex? Sorry maybe it's a stupid question. I just don't get how it could have been good even at the time!


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mightsurvive

I don't know about the thread in question, whether it's an old one or a new one or if I've posted on it. Regardless:

I guess I'd be one of those WSs of whom you speak. I did enjoy the sex and I do recall it as being enjoyable (although I certainly don't deliberately think about it).

I am also very ashamed of committing adultery and I am remorseful for how I hurt my XH. Had I to choose all over again, I would *never* pay the price for sex with the OM with my XH's devastation. Never.

I used to date the person I cheated with. I knew the sex was enjoyable when we dated. One of many reasons I cheated with him when he expressed an interest in "getting back together" (I put that in quotes because obviously I was married by that time) was, frankly, because I did want to have sex with him again. Not the only reason but certainly one of them. I behaved like a slut, plain and simple.

When I look back on it now, with the disgust and revulsion for the type of person I was, that does not *objectively* change the way I felt at the time. I was not in a coma nor mentally ill to the point of not knowing my own mind at the time; I recall very clearly how I felt.

It was good at the time because it was physically good but also because I thought myself to still be in love with him. I thought my marriage to XH (which was a rebound after relationship with OM ended) was a mistake. Cue the star-crossed lover soap opera bullshit.

I do not like to think about this stuff. I don't purposefully dwell on it or reminisce fondly. BTDT between D-Day 1 with this guy (EA, '07) and resuming of the A and D-Day 2 (PA, '09-'10). I would say that feeling sick at my actions is a pretty good description. Unfortunately, at the time, I was NOT one of those WSs who felt sick at themselves DURING the affair. I knew it was wrong but did it anyway because I enjoyed it and wanted to. The feeling sick at myself didn't come until after I was exposed and lost everything and took a clear look at myself beyond my "feelings."


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2143 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your insight and honesty. Totally curious at this point...if you knew your H enjoyed having sex with another woman how do you think it would affect you?

Not sure if anyone knows this but INFIDELITY SUCKS!! :)


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH started dating my xBFF immediately after we separated heading to D. I assume he enjoyed the sex with her...if it were bad sex I assume he wouldn't have kept doing it for the following 10 months. Now, I know and understand that that's not the same as *knowing* as he knew about my situation, and as mine was while we were married. I know it's totally different and I'm not trying to be insensitive in comparing. It's just the only somewhat similar situation I could go on.

I came home one day to get the last of my things and saw that he'd had the place set up like a love nest, complete with condoms arranged in a neat little display on the bathroom vanity. I was angry and hurt. I still am, to this day. Not so much about him enjoying sex with someone else, but because of who it was and what a snake she was being saying she'd still be my friend even after D-day and listening to me pour my guts out all the while she's fucking him.

I have such a different attitude about sex now, 4 years later. Due to a variety of factors including a libido-killing medical condition and treatment for it, I don't feel arousal or "lust" and consequently don't care about sex anymore. I don't feel jealousy, I don't feel desire, I don't feel any of the things I used to feel and operate from a position of. So if I found out now that he had cheated and enjoyed the sex, I'm sure I would be angry and hurt but I don't know how I'd feel on a level of sexual jealousy. I feel nothing, sexually (karma???) so I can't even surmise. But angry and hurt---of course.

And understand that due to his anger and hurt, I wouldn't speak so plainly to him about this as I did in answering your question. He read text messages; he knows how I felt, but I would never speak of it as bluntly as I speak on this forum to him personally.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2143 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again my thanks.... I know in my heart that the sexy is enjoyable . I really am trying to get up acceptance every day

[This message edited by mightsurvive at 9:56 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mightsurvive --

The time I spent with the AP was a different world for me. I was so compartmentalized during my A's. So I felt bad right before, and I felt bad right after. But during my encounters, I was completely in that compartment and enjoyed it.

A lot of answers from Waywards kind of need to be seen in that context. We separated the actions in the A from the rest of our lives. The A, and the person we were in the A, was not the same thing as our our "regular life."


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
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