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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my h would just admit to this to me and himself I think we would be leaps and bounds ahead of the game (10 yrs out now) and not just in a "settle" marriage.
Yeah, I watched my parents do this. One of them is a wayward twice over and has never really identified the why of it all, still blame shifts, etc.

When I was faced with D-day my first thoughts were mostly about choosing between two people and my own long term happiness, including what I thought living with guilt might be like in the long term. It took me maybe 4 months to figure out that it was more of a choice between mental health and not mental health. And even after that it still took me some months to get through excising all of AP's stuff from my life and sending him the final breakup letter. I guess I'm telling you this to let you know that AT THE TIME I made many of the same justifications and excuses your WS has made. I guess the difference is that I began to study the true nature of infidelity, like it was a research subject. I got into IC and figured out how and why and I'm working on fixing it. It's been a grueling process but worth it. No way you can make someone do it. You can give them consequences if they don't, but it takes a lot of will and determination to stay the course of the brain rewiring process.

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you are able to find some measure of peace.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"EvolvingSoul"…..thank you for your very honest answers and thoughts about this. My pain is slowly subsiding ten years later. The hardest part is that the ow and her family still live 2 houses away from us. And NO, moving is not an option. Not with all my loved ones here so close to me. So I stay in a just so so marriage that I have learned to accept. Kind of sad, but it is what it is.

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Sep 2005
Mindfully
♀ New Member
Member # 42959
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WS's about TT. My SO has been consistent with me about his commitment to reconciliation following discovery of his affairs. However, he's had a lot of trouble with TT. It's two months since Dday for me, and just when I think I know everything (or everything I need to know) the information I've got changes slightly or I find out something new I didn't know before.

Most recently, I found out that my SO erased a years worth of emails from a female friend just after Dday. He says there was no affair with her, but he did complain about me to her, he thought reading the emails would hurt me, and so he got rid of them.

I'm inclined to believe my SO and this woman weren't having an affair, but the decision to erase the emails and not disclose is hugely troubling to me, and counter-productive to his stated intention to reconcile.

Are there WS's out there that were committed to reconciliation but struggled with TT? If so, did you every figure out what was driving the TT? Should I take the TT as a sign he's not really committed to reconciliation? Any information/advise would be so helpful to me.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Mar 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mindfully, that's a painful question, DDay was a year ago yesterday.

Yeah I TT'd. Not sure of the timeframe, but at least a month, maybe two. And I was always fully committed to R, at least to the extent of my delusional capacity. BH had a suspicion about something (the hotel at which I met AP) and I looked him in the eye and lied. Repeatedly. It's hard to understand now, TBH. I was in a really altered state of mind at that point. Not an excuse, not a justification, but yeah, I TT'd because I was scared. I was afraid that if BH knew the whole truth he'd run.

It's a screwed-up mindset.

Should I take the TT as a sign he's not really committed to reconciliation?

Could go either way. Trust your gut.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with 20wrongs to trust your gut. It depends on the WS.

I TTd for over a year. I did want R, but fear and being delusional kept me from telling BH everything. I was afraid to let go of the outcome. I thought I could keep the situation under control by choosing what to tell and what not to tell him. Bad plan.

And I was always fully committed to R, at least to the extent of my delusional capacity. BH had a suspicion about something (the hotel at which I met AP) and I looked him in the eye and lied. Repeatedly. It's hard to understand now, TBH. I was in a really altered state of mind at that point. Not an excuse, not a justification, but yeah, I TT'd because I was scared. I was afraid that if BH knew the whole truth he'd run.
Yes, totally that for me, too.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37577 | Registered: Sep 2007
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been away from here a while. I have to ask another question, and maybe it should be in the general, but after your affairs were over and you tried to reconcile, did your BS just hit a switch and became indifferent towards you.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Mindfully
♀ New Member
Member # 42959
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20WrongsVs1 and authenticnow -

Thank you both for your insight on my question. It was very helpful.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Mar 2014
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai,

No, my BW didn't become indifferent. She fought for R and for our M. After I pushed her to the limit (the A was over, but it wasn't over in my head), she found SI and found her strength. Indifference wasn't part of it for her. She didn't want to D, but she finally found the strength to make that decision, and that is what really made me pull my head out of my ass.

Indifference implies not having any feeling about it. My BW hurt, and she made the internal choice to do what SHE needed to do.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But now your BS now has to live with knowing that HE will never be "the best sex of your life." Knowing that you will always look back at your AP as "best." How have the two of you reconciled that? How does a BS regain sexual desire knowing that they will always be the second best consolation prize? How does a WS enjoy it knowing it is sub-standard? "Enjoying spending time" seems to pale in comparison to "can't get enough."

Krispy47

I am sure a few 2x4's will be on the way because of my response to you. Some do not agree with my choice and others do. That is okay, it is my choice. My husband does not know. I have been NC with my AP for 14 months. Every day gets easier and my life with my husband is much better.

It would be beyond hard for my husband to know that or feel substandard. I was in a 5 year LTA. The reason the sex was so amazing is because of the connection we had, he was my best friend, we communicated about everything, we were very emotionally intimate,passionate and intense. We just fit.

I know a lot of people on here say lurrrrve but after five years it was way more than that. I do believe that some people in A's fall in actual love, just as people do in any relationship. Sure the day to day bills and kids are not there but was that stuff around when most fell in love with their spouse to begin with?

Heartbroken0903 wrote because it feels that way at the time. Meaning in each new relationship. Maybe she has something there? As time has passed my perspective has changed on many things relating to my A. Maybe this will change as well.

My H and I had some issues in our M. We have both been putting effort in to make each other happy. For a long time I didn't enjoy sex with my H because I didn't like him and then because of the A. Things are much better now and I do enjoy it. We are better connected and communicating more. Maybe as that grows so will the intimacy and passion. Hard to feel that way when you are not happy with each other but as we are getting better I am feeling more intimacy with him.

Prior to AP, My H was the best sex ever. I may think "can't get enough" again with him one day. That is what I am hoping for - I miss that feeling .

[This message edited by pastthelies at 3:50 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have not told your BS about your A, how can you possibly give relavent, useful information to other BSs on this site?


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes BS ask about feelings and thought processes throughout the A. I had all of those. Just because I chose not to confess does not mean I do not have things to share and cannot answer or reply back when someone asks about something that I posted or an issue I feel I can help with or give thoughts on. I lived for 5 years in an A so I feel I do have experience to share. You can disagree and thats fine.

Thats the beauty of this site- take what you need and what helps you; leave what you don't. Everyone is different, opinions are different, situations are different. Everyone may not always agree and thats ok. This is a great place to get others thoughts and help on understanding. Different responses help different people.

Herkemeyer
If you feel I can't help anyone, then look at my posts as; leave what you dont! Thats up to you!

And the questions in that box were directed to me from an earlier post! Just doing my best to answer and help if I can.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 8:08 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Herkemeyer...

If you don't like what's being shared on this thread then please stay off it because making dismissive comments to anyone on here is rude.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197754 | Registered: May 2002
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pastthelies.

Thank you for having the courage to give honest answers to difficult questions. Truth heals. Lies that placate do not.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
PhoenixWife
♀ New Member
Member # 43212
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This site has been such a blessing. Thank you to everyone for your candid replies. It has been most helpful in my healing process.

Before I put out my question for the WS's, I first want to point out something that gets me giggling each time I get a glimpse of how other members describe their WS/BS. Everyone expresses how their significant other is their best friend, their soul-mate, their closest confidant, the one who understands them the most, the one who makes them laugh etc. They can't imagine life without the other person. I keep reading these and could easily insert my husbands name and my name to almost all scenarios. So it almost seems like all topics are about the EXACT SAME person. Not sure how to really explain it, but it just struck me as funny (in an odd way). My apologies for my warped sense of humor, just looking for some release in any way I can get it; I'm still reeling after my 2nd d-day. In all sincerity there is nothing funny about infidelity and I fervently wish I weren't here.

On that note, I have a question for WS's. Reading through tear-filled eyes of all the pain, grief, heartache, torture, angst, misery, sorrow, grief, torment, suffering, etc. (insert your own adjective here), that everyone here is experiencing, it breaks my heart that we are all walking the same path. It's in the aftermath of the affair that these feelings come into full bloom. So my question is this: If this site were "required reading" prior to your marriage, would it have changed anything for you / would it have made a difference in your actions? If you had full knowledge of the fallout ahead of time, would you have been able to relate and maybe reel it back in?

With sincere appreciation for your honesty. I'm simply curious.


Me-BS (youthful 51)
Him - WS (52)
D-day #1 - Oct 7, 2007 (confessed to 4 yr affair)
Rug Swept from 2007 - 2014
D-day #2 - Mar 26, 2014 (I caught them driving back to her place. He confessed to 3 yr affair after she broke NC)

Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix wife,

To answer your question, yes. There are some things in the healing library that if I had read them before I went out and did what I did, it never would have happened. If I had ventured into the wayward forum and read about the people that were trying to piece themselves back together afterwards, I would not have done it. I would have found another way to either get through to my H or divorce him.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
PhoenixWife
♀ New Member
Member # 43212
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your reply. My concern is for my sons so that they do not visit this upon their wives. I wonder if it would be helpful for them to simply educate themselves. After I get myself to a good place, perhaps I will steer them toward this site. I do believe the cycle can be broken. Again, thank you.


Me-BS (youthful 51)
Him - WS (52)
D-day #1 - Oct 7, 2007 (confessed to 4 yr affair)
Rug Swept from 2007 - 2014
D-day #2 - Mar 26, 2014 (I caught them driving back to her place. He confessed to 3 yr affair after she broke NC)

Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A long time ago I asked a WW I met on another forum if there were anything her husband could have done before her affair that would have made her change her mind.

Her answer was NO. As sad as it is she said that brokenness or FOO or whatever you want to call it. but she was hell bent for this destruction. She said even if her BH had been a saint she still would have found fault with him and used it to justify what she was going to do. Even if everyone including god had warned her about her actions that she probably would have done it anyway.

In my own story there was a moment right after our wedding ceremony when me and WW were about to sign the legal papers with the best man and best woman as witnesses. We were waiting for the witnesses to come over. And I said to WW *please do not ever cheat on me because that would break me beyond any repair*. She had nodded sincerely and said she would never do that.

I think everyone goes into marriages with good intentions. Our WS may be broken or whatever. But entering into the M I think they have the best intentions. And even if they were to read here before the M they would probably say that they will *never do that* (cheat).

Just my take on it. Would like to hear WS comments.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that there are books out there that can do the same thing, rather than steering them here.
My husband and I have shared books with our boys that I know have helped them. Not just friends, and emotional infidelity, and 5 love languages are the ones that some of them have read. Their GF's have thanked us.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought I would do it. Had I read some of the things on here, before I did it, I know that I would not have done it. Reading the pain that goes on here would have made me think again.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pheonix Wife

If I new the destruction if I understood the consequences, if we had been taught all the right things to do communication etc, validating each other, working through my own FOO before I got married, most likely not.

Personally, I think its much like addiction, you don't plan to become and addict, you don't plan to cheat, or at least I don't feel I did. I think even with all the warnings the education we recieve in this day and age, we still miss the boat. You don't know you have issues till they show, IF I had understood more and recognized my issues then yes I think that would help me stayclear of self distructive behaviors and keep my family safe.

Razor,

If I knew at the time when I was saying yes to my BH, that I would by choice, put my husband and my family into such a unsafe place and hurtful, destructive life, never would I have said yes.

When we stood in front of our JP, it felt like my world shone brightly, it may not have been a perfect wedding, and many would say unconventional, but it was our perfect. WE literally could read each others minds, he was my Knight.(we know the trouble that causes!) There was no doubt in my mind the day we got married.

AS stated above , if I knew then what I would do to my man, I would have walked away.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

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