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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
Guss
♂ New Member
Member # 39113
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear WS's,

Would appreciate your feedback/perspective.

We will be clocking one year in a month since DD from what was WWís 3 year emotional and physical A with an old BF. It has been a long and painstaking R journey with many false starts, with me the BS, doing most of the heavy lifting with the WW mainly in tow.

NC was immediately implemented immediately after DD and I would like to believe there has been no contact since. However, my problem is in WWís continued lying and the tendency to be economic with the truth on the material facts of the A.

In particularly, WW is adamant and resolute in her lie that she only got physical with her AP only once in all the three years of the A. After that, she claims, it degenerated into an EA. I just canít believe that. In period following DD, an examination of the inordinate frequency of the call logs indicates that it was an intense A. So I think she is lying and she knows I know too. But I am not sure if she really knows in her heart of hearts that I know she is lying. She always comes off evidently relieved when I relax my probing/questioning. I have also demanded to know the content of their conversation and she has been dodgy on this. Sadly for me, while the emotional part is hard enough to handle, her lie, has not removed the pain of imagining the painful intensity of the physical part of the A. Which I know was there. And thatís where my pain is.

As somebody pointed out, no man would be in an A for three years with only one physical encounter. As a man I know that and I have repeatedly pointed this fact to her. My cry every day is, if only she could be humble enough and come clean on this tiny detail, I could perhaps live with the pain of the reality of what happened as opposed to deluding myself with false sense of relief that it never happened. Both painful evils.

What I want to learn from you dear WWs, and WSers in general, particularly those in R: What would you suggest I do to get the full story? Did you genuinely came clean on all the aspects of the A to your BS? Do you still find yourself lying to cover up some details of the A? How do you feel being in R but still withholding some details? In the course of R, have you ever volunteered info or you have restricted yourself to what your BS asked? In cases where you provided the demanded answers, did the revelations backfire, and you regretted doing so? Looking back in the R journey what would you have done differently? Also, I want to learn from those fully Reconciled. Are you still carrying any secrets about the A? What are these secrets doing to you, if at all?

Hurting,
Guss

BH = 48
WW = 46
DD = April, 20, 2013
MARRIED = 10 years
KIDS = (10&8)


Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
Guss
♂ New Member
Member # 39113
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear WS's,

Would appreciate your feedback/perspective.

We will be clocking one year in a month since DD from what was WWís 3 year emotional and physical A with an old BF. It has been a long and painstaking R journey with many false starts, with me the BS, doing most of the heavy lifting with the WW mainly in tow.

NC was immediately implemented immediately after DD and I would like to believe there has been no contact since. However, my problem is in WWís continued lying and the tendency to be economic with the truth on the material facts of the A.

In particularly, WW is adamant and resolute in her lie that she only got physical with her AP only once in all the three years of the A. After that, she claims, it degenerated into an EA. I just canít believe that. In period following DD, an examination of the inordinate frequency of the call logs indicates that it was an intense A. So I think she is lying and she knows I know too. But I am not sure if she really knows in her heart of hearts that I know she is lying. She always comes off evidently relieved when I relax my probing/questioning. I have also demanded to know the content of their conversation and she has been dodgy on this. Sadly for me, while the emotional part is hard enough to handle, her lie, has not removed the pain of imagining the painful intensity of the physical part of the A. Which I know was there. And thatís where my pain is.

As somebody pointed out, no man would be in an A for three years with only one physical encounter. As a man I know that and I have repeatedly pointed this fact to her. My cry every day is, if only she could be humble enough and come clean on this tiny detail, I could perhaps live with the pain of the reality of what happened as opposed to deluding myself with false sense of relief that it never happened. Both painful evils.

What I want to learn from you dear WWs, and WSers in general, particularly those in R: What would you suggest I do to get the full story? Did you genuinely came clean on all the aspects of the A to your BS? Do you still find yourself lying to cover up some details of the A? How do you feel being in R but still withholding some details? In the course of R, have you ever volunteered info or you have restricted yourself to what your BS asked? In cases where you provided the demanded answers, did the revelations backfire, and you regretted doing so? Looking back in the R journey what would you have done differently? Also, I want to learn from those fully Reconciled. Are you still carrying any secrets about the A? What are these secrets doing to you, if at all?

Hurting,
Guss

BH = 48
WW = 46
DD = April, 20, 2013
MARRIED = 10 years
KIDS = (10&8)


Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gus,

I'm a WW but I'm not yet in R. If you haven't yet got the full story, then neither are you.
Any situation where the WS is with holding information is false R.

I confessed my A to my BH. I told him everything. He knows it all.

There is nothing you can do to force your WW to tell you everything. She's not remorseful, she's still protecting herself you shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting for R, that's her job.

Detach. Do the 180. Look after yourself. It might help shock her into seeing what life is like without you, which might bring out the truth.

Write down your conditions for true R. Full disclosure being the first one. If she can't do it then you know what to do.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guss,

Agreeing with BBT.

From your description, you don't have all the truth, and it will not be surprising to any of us here if/when she admits to more on the PA side. That being said, the idea that a man wouldn't be involved in a 3 year affair with only one encounter is not entirely fair. It could have been only once...although time and again, SI has seen only once turn into multiple times at the drop of a hat. So, just be prepared for it to go either way; from bad to really bad.

To get the full story, ask point blank. If you are at the point of leaving, let her know that you need the truth or it's over. Only say this if you mean it. This is exceptionally cruel of her to put you into this spot, and it is likely that she will keep things "economic" until you are completely broken yourself. At that point, when you find your own strength to make the statement that you need the truth or it is over, you will be free either way. I guess this is my prediction, and it's sort of based on what I did to my BW...that you will reach the very bottom only to find your own strength. Once you do, and once you let your WW know, she will either hit bottom or she will dig further in only to find that she has lost you.

The other option is to take on the 180 with the full support of SI and not let your WW put you through this special hell any longer. The same things can happen, in that you'll have strength and you'll survive. Your WW may realize what she's done, find her rock bottom, and turn things around. Or she might dig in deeper. Either way, it will then be your option to let her go or to work on R, but through the 180 you'll not be put through the same pain that you are likely finding yourself in know with partial truths, a WW who offers TT only enough to give you some hope.

Your situation is one of the cruelest that happens here at SI, IMO.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duskpearl,

I like to think they do, but maybe not before they've destroyed their M, their spouse, and their family.

My FIL left his BW (my MIL) for my MIL good friend. That was over 30-years ago, and they're still together, and by all accounts, they are happy. That being said, I do know that my FIL feels bad for what he did (leaving his BW with 4 kids and not doing a real good job of paying CS). Based on conversations I've had with him over the years, I believe that he is sorry, and I believe that if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't. But, at the same time, he is not going to change where he is at right now.

I'm guessing that you know you are not responsible for pushing him into the OW's arms. That's bullshit and just an attempt to spread blame around like a monkey throwing shit. Problem is, he's the only one with stinky hands.

The record in the WS forum is pretty consistant. We're all broken to some degree. We all have different reasons for being broken. In this regard we are all different and therefore our situations, opinions, and experiences with infidelity are all different, but we all chose to cheat too. In that we're the same.

Take infidelity out of the picture though...who's broken? What does that brokeness look like? IMO, there isn't a person alive who wouldn't benefit from IC and self reflection. For the WS, it usually has taken the A for them to realize they are broken. For others it might be addiction, or some other life altering event like a medical diagnosis.

IDK...each WS will take their own path. Some will choose to heal. Some will choose to run thinking they are fine when really they are just hiding from their own brokeness.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme,

I believe I was (am?) a conflict avoider and was very good at compartmentalizing. I'm not sure though where the line is between the level of expertise with these abilities and the ability to stay rather than run. Not sure there is a line at all.

Take a step back...where did the ability to avoid conflict and compartmentalize come from? The first thing I think of is our childhood. What happened back then that I felt the urge to avoid conflict? How did I learn to compartmentalize?

For my own situation, my childhood was rather benign. Boring really...while I know many people who had traumatic experiences as a child. Even taking into account the limited histories which are shared here on SI, there is a broad spectrum of WS, each with a unique childhood. What makes one stay and do the work while the other runs? Do these things contribute to WS behavior? Absolutely. Are there BS's who are conflict avoiders and experts at compartmentalizing? Absolutely.

So, maybe it's more about what type of person is able to face the truth once their coping mechanisms fail rather than running from it all? From whatever early age up until I was 38, my coping mechanisms were fine. My life was fine. Then it all fell apart. In looking back, obviously things weren't fine, although, ask anyone who knew me, including my BW, and they all would have said I was fine. So, what was it that made me be able to admit that I wasn't fine? Don't know...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post, but I have been lurking for a few months.

Here's a condensed story with a question at the end.

Almost two years ago after returning from a business trip my wife said she wanted a divorce and eventually that she was having an emotional affair with an old friend from middle school. After she told our daughters she was leaving (teen and tween at the time) she left for most of a week to get away from everything. She had reconnected with him on Facebook a few years earlier and had been texting and talking with him extensively for over a year while his wife was sick, in and out of the hospital and eventually died. In her mind nothing bad happened until after his wife died, but I believe they were having an inappropriate relationship long before that. She says they did not have a physical relationship and given the distance I believe that is probably the case, but I know they talked about him visiting while I was away or moving to our city after his wife died. It took her a number of months to write a series of goodbye letters and he has contacted her a number of times since then. She has been in counseling since before she asked for a divorce (during the affair), we have been in marriage counseling and I have been in counseling for a year and a half. She has said and to some extent still says some of the typical initial wayward sayings: "I didn't think it would matter to you", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "You are mostly responsible for the problem in our marriage and without these problems there would not have been an affair", etc. These have waned over time, but she has not retracted some of these. My belief is she needs to hold me accountable at some level so she does not have to face the full weight of her infidelity. I see her having regret (a feeling), but I do not see much remorse (an action). Some of this is because I have a hard time telling her exactly what I need, though I have been better lately. I have given her a number of post from here that I find particularly helpful in explaining what I need from her. Her response has mostly been nothing and what I do get is "There is too much pain on that site", "I was not as bad as most of those people", "I don't think that site is good for you", etc. One thing that further complicates all this is my wife who is a stay at home Mom has continual medical problems that have never been diagnosed. The basics are she does not sleep well and has little energy. A month ago when I was leaving for another business trip she said "She wanted to get divorced again and I should move out when I got back". She later said "No one should move out right now"; only slightly reassuring. She has also threatened to leave in the last month when our daughters were arguing. I was not home at the time.

I am trying to be understanding of her struggles and I know there are things I still need to improve, but most of the time It feels like in her mind I was the one who had the affair. She has said she wants to fix our marriage, but it feels like she wants me to do most of the work to fix it on top of supporting our family at a very demanding job, healing myself and taking care of our house/property. At this point in time I am ready to call it quits since I do not have much hope she will every really get it and provide the support I need to heal. What is keeping me going at the moment is a likely unhealthy amount of patience/self sacrifice, trying to do what is best for the women in my life, not wanting to face the financial ramifications and the one for you all. Is there something I'm missing or should be doing to get her to figure this out? Given the recent divorce conversation I am not certain how effective a 180 would be. My guess is she would just use that against me. So other than that are there any other ideas of things I can do to help her figure things out? I wish she would join and post to the "Things that every WS needs to know" thread because her summarized comment to me regarding that was "interesting... so much work I would need superpowers... hard to read because it doesn't say anything about what the betrayed could do to help...".

That is more than enough for now. Any thoughts, comments, etc. are appreciated!

FYI my moniker is not only apt, but is also the title of a song by one of my favorite artists.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 133 | Registered: Mar 2014
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF - Thank you for your reply.

My WH father cheated on his mother for 7 years. Apparently, 20 or so years later he regrets it but is unable to do anything about it because he is stuck with the OW (financially he can't afford to leave her).†

Of course I feel responsible for pushing my WH into the she bloke OW arms! He also told me that I was responsible for fast tracking their relationship from 2 weeks to 6 months! Maybe i should become a matchmaker †Reason I feel responsible is that I know I'm not perfect & have my faults.†

If anything good has come out of this it is that I am seeing an IC. As soon as my WH left I did some serious self reflection & knew I had to change. Thing is my WH also had his faults & put up with me for 12 years until someone else showed him some attention.

Given that my WH blames me for his cheating & is faultless he has clearly chosen the easy path - to run.

I guess if he thinks a Harley & butch girl with toilet rolls for arms & legs will bring him happiness more power to him.


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heart -

question at the end.

I did not find the question at the end. And I could not read that wall of text. Can you add a few blank lines? Thanks.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6089 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartfullofholes -

You need to do the 180. It's not for your wife, it's for you. Look after yourself, stop pandering to her. You are enabling her in her selfishness and fog.

The added bonus of the 180 is that it sometimes shocks the WS into true remorse. It shows them what life would be like without you. Where is the consequence for her A right now? Give her a consequence!

She is right, if the M had issues before her A you do need to own your half.
It breaks down like this;

Marriage issues before the A - 50% yours, 50% hers.

The affair - 100% hers.

And don't let her tell you that she had an A because of the marriage issues. That's a load of snot. If the M was that bad she should have left, that's what a 'normal' and emotionally healthy person would have done. She needs to dig deep in IC to figure out why she made the choice to cheat.

But, dealing with any pre-A marriage issues now is like tending to a paper cut when your leg has been blown off. The A is a crisis that needs immediate attention. All efforts should be concentrated on that right now. Once you are in R, you can go to MC and address the M issues.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeartFullofHoles,

Why don't you post this in the General forum? (You can copy and paste it and start a new thread) It will help others to get to know your story and you'll get support from BSs and WSs (if that's what you want at this time).

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37229 | Registered: Sep 2007
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is for the females here. My wife has been over the top remorseful. She keeps telling me how sorry she is and how she can't believe what she did. She keeps telling me that she loves me and feels that we are so much closer. My problem is that I'm having a hard time just moving on. I'm having a hard time understanding how just a few short months ago she was delivering herself to some loser 2-3 times a week for sex and telling him how much she loved him. This guy was everything to her while I seemed to be an annoyance. Nothing I could have done was ok while he did no wrong. Now she hates him and she is all over me. My question to you females, is this normal? Can someone be so confused. I'm sorry it's just so hard to understand. I feel like she still my have feelings for him and is just saying these things to me. When I tell her how I feel, she looks at me and tells me that if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't be here. She says she knows what she did was wrong and just says she was f'd up. She says she understands how I feel but just wnts us to be us again. Thanks


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guss - WW is adamant and resolute in her lie that she only got physical with her AP only once in all the three years of the A. After that, she claims, it degenerated into an EA. I just canít believe that. ... As somebody pointed out, no man would be in an A for three years with only one physical encounter. As a man I know that and I have repeatedly pointed this fact to her.

Gently said, I think that your first sentence should have read "adamant and resolute in her statement that she only got physical once during her affair. I feel that the use of the word LIE in your statement seems that you have made up your mind that regardless of what she says, you simply know better and are willing to call her out as a liar. Do you know that she got physical more than once? Have you proof?

You can not relay on the fallacy of "no man would be in a A for 3 years with only one physical encounter" to prove your claim that your wife is lying. There are examples here on SI of people having long term EA's without them turning into PA's. Your personal experience as a man does not entitle you to speak for all men.

Perhaps she is being truthful. And if that is the case, what are you losing if you believe her?

Think of it this way. What does she gain from her story of I physical encounter that she would not get from a confession of 4 physical encounters. Had you somehow indicated that 1 encounter would allow for the chance of R but a confession of more would take R off the table? If you had done this, she might have a reason to continue the lies but I don't think its fair to automatically assume that her statement is a LIE unless you have something more to back up this feeling. And according to your post, all you have is fear and a suspicion.

Guss -What would you suggest I do to get the full story?

Like BaxtersBFF said, to get the full story, be assertive and make the disclosure of all information (telephone logs, chat records, etc.) as a mandatory requirement for R. But if you expect that the truth comes out like a video tape recording, with reason and rhyme given for each day and time, then you will be disappointed. At a certain level, between rationalization and compartmentalization, we subconsciously hide the details away from ourselves. Quite often, the mind of a WS is a very sordid, confused place during the preamble, main body, and postmortem of an A. Don't give us too much credit for rational thought.

Ultimately, you have to feel comfortable with the answers to the questions. If she is unwilling or unable to give you answers that satisfy your needs, then you have to make that decision and figure out your next move. The 180 is of help in this process.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3228 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear WS

I'd appreciate your comments/candour.

Did you consciously decide to have an affair, or did it just "happen" (as in a friendship with blurred lines that developed into something more)?

Also, if you were looking for an affair did you "shop" for partners so to speak?

My WH has said a couple of times over the course of our relationship "you couldn't have an affair with her.....she's got a mouth". At the time, I thought it was a wired thing to say... But I dismissed it as just weird.

Around this time, he admitted to being friendly with a co worker.... To the point that it made me uncomfortable (likewise it made her husband uncomfortable as the husband showed up at work and marked his territory (so to speak). In discussion with H about it that it sets off flags if both partners see it... He told me that he'd asked her where she wanted the friendship to go.....

Now I have to admit. I'm very trusting and even I thought that was inappropriate..... But I didn't worry as there were no problems in our marriage...... Could he have been AP shopping then? Or grooming a Woman to see if she were 'up for one'?

Thanks in advance for your feedback.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99lawdog99 - Now she hates him and she is all over me. My question to you females, is this normal? Can someone be so confused.

Not female but as a WS, I figure I might have some thoughts on the questions so ...

Yes, this flip-flop is quite common and normal and Yes, your WS may have been extremely confused in their heart and mind during the course of the affair.

Unknown Poster - The mind of a WS is a very sordid, confused place during the preamble, main body, and postmortem of an A. Don't give us too much credit for rational thought.

Its hard for the BS to sometimes understand the swirl of thoughts and feelings and brokenness within the head and mind of the WS and in fact, its very hard and difficult for the WS to explain the how and why of the affair to anyone else. Its one of the reasons that we often use "peeling onions" as a illustration for the process of finding out the "why and wherefore" of our affairs.

Everyone's story is different but some studies have shown that the high of an affair is not much different from the high of taking drugs and it can help explain some of the typical behavior during the affair. http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/09/20/anatomy-of-an-affair-the-chemistry-of-love

HUFI

To my regret, I have now learnt that my own heart and mind are not always my best friend either as I try to peel away the onion of intertwined thoughts, actions, emotions, fears, passions and destructive behaviours that brought me to this affair Ė HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3228 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadmumma

Did you consciously decide to have an affair, or did it just "happen" (as in a friendship with blurred lines that developed into something more)?

Oddly enough, it was both.

I texted the AP something vaguely flirtatious one day in 2009 that crossed a boundary and that I did intend to be flirtatious (he was my ex and it was a comment meant to remind him of our past relationship) but that I never intended nor expected to be reciprocated in the way it was. So in that sense it was bad boundaries/blurred lines that went further, not me being on the prowl for an A.

Yet, when he replied the way he did, I very deliberately and consciously decided to turn it into an A. So it was both, if that makes sense.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2091 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
IntoTheLight
♀ Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you consciously decide to have an affair, or did it just "happen" (as in a friendship with blurred lines that developed into something more)?

Also, if you were looking for an affair did you "shop" for partners so to speak?

I was so prideful before my own affair because an affair is what ended my parent's marriage and ruined my mother's life. I had no idea the thing that I was sure would prevent me from having one would turn out to be the reason I was at risk to have one. I wasn't looking at all- it was a friendship that slowly turned into EA and turned physical. It was at a low point in my marriage and then it slowly killed my marriage. Looking back I'm pretty sure AP was looking and I was the pathetic whore who took the bait.

I do think some shop for partners and I have good reason to believe my AP was grooming my replacement when I ended it. It's horrifying to me because it was the most miserable, painful, confusing experience of my life. I hated the woman I was then and will never walk that line again. I can't imagine why a person would go looking for that a second time.

I am so sorry for your pain.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2014
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long time lurker, first time poster in "BS Questions for WS."

I posted the following thread in General a few months back and I am thankful for all the BS who responded. I am still grappling with it and thought maybe all of you could help me understand:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514177&HL=39836

It kills me because I confronted him before it went physical. I drew the line in the sand that weekend and told him not to bring a third person into our marriage and make it ugly. Instead of seeing a big red flag and stopping, he used my words as ammunition to reinforce that he was a "wronged husband" to the COW.

Was he too far gone and it would not have mattered what I said or did that weekend? Did he proceed knowing that he was crossing my line? What was he thinking?

Thanks for any insight!


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 444 | Registered: Jul 2013
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies.

Broken,

What I get from her now is, I am mostly responsible for the problems in the marriage and yes A is on her, but it would not have happened if the marriage was not struggling. I know it is 50%/%50 and 100% no strings attached so please don't think I am accepting her thinking as truth. As I remember she started out saying 90%/10%, but has since switched to mostly since that is not as specific.

authenticnow, I will try to do that when I have some time.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 133 | Registered: Mar 2014
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken and into the light...

Thankyou so much for your replies.

I guess at some point a spouse makes the con ions decision to go wayward. And I guess it stands to reason that there would be spouses that would be "affair shopping" and others that deal with blurred lines.

Again, thankyou


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
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