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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EvolvingSoul,
Thank you for that. Hopefully something she experiences, or gets from IC will help her get mentally healthy.

Right now, all she does, is spend time with our daughter, and take her places or go with her mother and daughter to places. Other wise she is sleeping/napping then she goes to work. I am not sure if she will ever be in a place where we can continue.

I am working on myself and making my self the better husband and father I always wanted to be and should be. I talk to her everyday but don't mention anything affair related. Conversations are not deep or very intimate. Guess I shouldn't suspect them to be given the circumstances.

heartbroken0903,
Thank you for answering my questions. The more perspective I get the more I kind of understand her. The pain that she must be going through. Knowing she is torn between feelings and distraught about her actions. Even though she doesn't seem that way on the outside, I am sure to a certain degrees she feels that way on the inside.

Thank you FWW. I really appreciate it. I hope I can learn a lot by reading your posts and asking questions. This has been probably the most difficult situation I have ever faced or dealt with in my life.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once your A was exposed or when the fog lifted, did you have a different perspective on what you are attracted to in a woman/man?
Like if before you were attracted to just physical appearance or the the way they carried themselves or their flirty body language/words.... did this change afterwards? Are you still attracted to these kinds of woman/men. Or is your attraction to someone more deep now? Sorry if this is a confusing question, I'm having a hard time putting this question in words. My WS has had ONSs with "physically attractive" woman, one in which he said was prettier than me, and he has tried to take that statement back by saying he though it was what I wanted to hear but I still don't believe him.
Obviously we are all attracted to certain physical appearances, I know that, we are all human... but has you thought process or response you get/have changed?
I don't mean to ramble on but this could also be me just not getting the whole " men have a different perspective on sex, that it's just sex" I just don't get that. At ALL. maybe it's because I've been with WS since 15, so I relate sex to love. ..ugh my mind is so disorganized


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 267 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kate0421

I was highly physically attracted to AP (as I also was to my XH) but I wouldn't say I was in the A solely for physical reasons. I genuinely liked AP's personality (other than the cheating part ) and we had things in common that I didn't share with my XH.

Conversely, I had things in common with XH that I didn't with AP, so that's a wash. Sex isn't important to me anymore (I hope that will change) so the physical doesn't matter. So I'd say that I didn't really change my perspective on what I find attractive as a whole. My XH is handsome, funny, a good person and will be an excellent father someday. That's good enough for me.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 1:38 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you think you weren't in 'an Affair' even after having sex with your ap? Did you somehow think what you were doing was outside of that category?

My W did, and I just discounted it. Now I don't know what to make of it.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
HotMessInTX
♀ New Member
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Credence

1) Did you know before you had sex with your AP that you were 100% going to have sex with them if the opportunity arose?

My A was long distance so there was a lot of planning prior to having the opportunity. So I guess yes, I knew beforehand.

2) Did you and your AP 'plan' your first sexual encounter and if so, did you get 'cold feet' at any point or were you too caught up in the excitement/anticipation?

Like I said above, yes it was planned however I did get cold feet on the first opportunity and backed out.

3) Right before you had sex with the AP for the first time, when the two of you were alone together, did you feel at any point like you might/should back out of it?

Yes, especially the first time. After the eventual first time, I broke it off out of guilt. Unfortunately I was not strong enough to stick with that and gave in. There were several periods where I would back off the romantic/sexual talk and try to stick to friendship but would ultimately end up back in. i was weak


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
HotMessInTX
♀ New Member
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai

1. How long did it take for you to get rid of any items/gifts/clothes related to the affair.

I guess the only items I had related was a case of my favorite chocolate bars. I threw them out.

2. Did you get rid of the things together with you BS or did you do it on your own?

Not really applicable

3. After DDAY were you more devoted to your spouse and the marriage or did you try to take care of yourself first?

The first couple of days I was devoted to my BH and trying to get him help finding an IC and do what I could to help him through the first few rough days.

4. Did any of your BS do any rug sweeping?

I don't think so, though I think he internalizes a lot of his pain


5. My WW said she didn't tell the other men they were better lovers than me... Given the state of a WS would you think that is true or case by case based on your A's?

I would say case by case and it could be true. I didn't ever say anything like that but prior to the A, I had been very open about some of the issues I was having with that at home. While I wouldn't use the word better or worse, it was more about the attitude and openness versus performance.

[This message edited by HotMessInTX at 5:14 AM, March 24th (Monday)]


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
HotMessInTX
♀ New Member
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

byefornow

I did compare them in my own head, how one is more similar to me than the other in certain areas. For example, how they approach finances is one area I compared them.


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
HotMessInTX
♀ New Member
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux

Good question. I am very conflict avoidant myself and it absolutely played a big role in why it went on so long. I tried a few times to end things but when he would push the conversations I would end up relenting time and time again. Also, i didn't want to "hurt his feelings" as twisted as that sounds I'm sure


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kate0421

The OM didn't fit my 'type' and I wasn't sexually attracted to him. My A wasn't about sex either. Yes, I had a PA but for me sex was a trade off. It's what I had to do in order to get the attention and validation I needed.

No, my perspective on what I find attractive in men in general hasn't changed. BH still fits exactly into my 'type' I am still hugely attracted to him physically.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon

I suppose so, yes. The circumstances of my A are quite different from anyone on here. My A was very brief and my BH wasn't around for any of it, he was out the country.

I had checked out of my M. It just didn't register with me that I was having an affair. Obviously I knew what it was but I didn't think about it deeply enough to realise the ramifications of what I was doing. I was just doing whatever I could to escape from myself.

That lasted two weeks, then it hit me. I panicked but by then it was too late, I had already gone too far and the damage was done.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear all Wayward Spouses,

My dday was over a year ago, but something is bothering me today.

My WH told me (while he was confessing and probably in the fog) that he has never cheated before because he hadnt met the OW. That she was different and if he had met her before, then he would have cheated then.

This makes me feel very bad and has been bothering me lately. Do you think, in your experience there is ANY truth to this statement? Because this implies that she was unique and special and that they were destine to meet?

Im just feeling crappy about it.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jan 2013
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken2012 - My WH told me (while he was confessing and probably in the fog) that he has never cheated before because he hadn't met the OW. That she was different and if he had met her before, then he would have cheated then. ... Do you think, in your experience there is ANY truth to this statement? Because this implies that she was unique and special and that they were destine to meet?

I think you got some good replies on this subject on your other post, http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=524025&HL=38089

For some WS's, the answer is a qualified yes (perfect storm / lost love affairs) but in your case, with your story, the reverse is more truthful.

There was no destiny or magic, it was just a matter of cheap tawdry sex at work. The special come from her willingness to have an affair. Her difference is that when he winked, she said yes.

For many WS's, our brokenness and need, along with poor boundaries only needed a willing partner and an opportunity to occur and our affairs were up and running. No special women, no special circumstnaces. Only a willing partner and a urge to fill.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if he had met her before, then he would have cheated then.

I don't know how true that is for waywards as a whole but for me: given my pre-A relationship history with the AP, I'm pretty sure I would have cheated with him regardless of whom I was married to, if HE had been married, if I wasn't married yet or if I'd been married 20 years...no matter what, I would've cheated with THAT person, had the circumstances that led him to tell me he was interested still been in place.

But again, that's only because we had a history. Had I cheated with someone I didn't previously know, I'm sure it would be more likely that it "could have been anybody."

YMMV.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon
Did any of you think you weren't in 'an Affair' even after having sex with your ap? Did you somehow think what you were doing was outside of that category?
Yeah I was one of those. The cognitive dissonance was very strong. I thought of myself as special and unique and as having needs that were special and unique and that because I "loved" both AP and BS that it wasn't exactly an affair. I felt bad about lying to BS as to the true nature of my relationship with AP (we're just friends!) but the longer I had them both the more I convinced myself that it was really okay to want that and to have that.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 253 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken2012 --

Because this implies that she was unique and special and that they were destine to meet?

A part of this may be a Wayward way of justifying our bad actions. Some WS (like me) convince themselves that that because the A was with someone special, that it makes us less horrible. This is the other side of the coin from WS who say that since it was just a ONS, that it was better than a LTA.

There may be some Bronte/Austen stories where this is true (I don't like Bronte/Austen, so I'm not sure) -- that two people were destined to meet and fall in love.

For most of us, though, it was our own brokenness that made it happen.

Also, you may question timing. Lots of WS here are certain that some emotion applies while in the fog. After some self reflection, they have a different tune. Can you tell your WS that you still are thinking about this, and see if his position has changed? Of course, you have to be ready to hear the answer.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm coming up on 6 years since my last D-day. But, recently I have started dating a FWW. She had her A about 7 years ago and it's got me thinking about the likelihood of her ever repeating that.

I'm not sure if she has done a lot of searching as to how and why she let herself go down that path. She just says that was a very dark place and she never wants to go there again. Realizes it was not justified not matter how bad her marriage was...

That's not good enough for me though. I think that unless someone specifically addresses why they allowed themselves to go down that path it is likely to happen again.

So, my question to the WS's here is what have you done since your A to ensure that you will not find yourself in that same situation in the future?


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
DeeSieved
♀ New Member
Member # 42888
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why would my WH tell each AP that he loved me/was in live with me and still proceed with the act? he'd sometimes tell them both before and after?


40 years old BS
36 year old WS (husband)
D-day-3/18/14-MW/COw (3+months)
D-day-3/23/14-prostitute (3 years)
m-9/18/04
together 9/1996
2 kids (4yr & 22m)

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: DeeSieved
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been about a year. The pain is less intense and less frequent. I'm actually thinking I can do this R thing.

As a WS, how would you react to the following letter at this stage?

The things I'm asking for are things that either have not been done or, like the apologies, done at first and I haven't heard them for months.

What I need:

1. A lot of apologies. I need them daily. I need you to make the apologies meaningful and to deliver each as though itís the first time youíre apologizing.

I heard you say that youíre concerned I wonít take in the apologies. If after a hundred apologies Iím still not taking them in, then thatís what we talk about in therapy.

2. A no-contact letter to OM. This is a loose end that needs to be tied up if Iím ever going to find peace. Please, letís write it together and send it together, both over email and a hard copy to make sure he gets it. It hurts me to this day that one day after you asked him in front of me to not contact you anymore that he phoned you.

As I have been saying for nearly two months now, please donít quit your job until all of this is resolved.

3. I need you to read with me about how an affair affects the betrayed spouse. I would like for you to read with me raw posts online from people trying to survive affairs. I would like you to join survivinginfidelity.com as a wayward spouse and post there.

The intention here is not to read advice or comments. The intention is for me to feel that you accept that what Iím going through is normal and that other people affected by infidelity are also struggling with the exact same issues. I often feel criticized for feeling pain, being quiet or being insecure.

I need to feel that you understand where I am and Iíd love for us to walk out of this hell together. But first, I need you to be a tourist in my world. So often, I feel that weíre speaking different languages because my experiences as a betrayed spouse are not understood. Iím living in a difficult place and feeling a lot of pain and loss.

4. The polygraph. I need to know the boundaries of your affair. I need to know that there isnít anyone else out there other than OM I know about. I donít want to overcome this only to go through it again because thereís some other random stranger on the street that youíve been with.

You never told me about your affair ó I found out. I learned the details from OM. I need to know that youíre telling me the truth when you say there isnít anyone else. This would give me a Ďtruth baseí to rebuild our marriage on. I donít want to spend the rest of my life wondering if you had other affairs. Please and thank you.

Your husband


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 508 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can read my story about how my wife after 27 years felt the need to do some 39 year old former drug using idiot, but something strange happened the other day. While my wife has been really remorseful, I feel that she has been only aboout 98% honest, somewhat afraid to tell me everything. SHe says I'm wrong but I just don't know. Since DDay back in Dec of 2113, she never likes to discuss it. She will but always says it is like rubbing salt in a wound. Always asking me to just try and move on which I have been doing after not doing so. Well anyway, the other night she came to me and asked me if she was a terrible person. Her mother is having some medical issues and she is stressed out. I kind of told her that I thoiught her only problem was that she was selfish and that what 's an affair is all about, her placing her own wants above anything else. She told me she knows she did wrong but felt me saying that was mean. I said I was just letting her know how I felt. Well anyway she began crying hysterically for about an hour apoligizing for what she did, saying she is worried about her mother and what she did to me. After about an hour she was fine and we went to bed. The next morning she told me she was going in to work late and I asked why and she freaked out. Previously she would go to work early so she could go to his house for sex in the morning. She began crying and yelling that she is sick of being accussed of doing things when she is not. I wass shocked. I didn't mean anything by that but she claims everything I say has a bit of sarcasm to it, which may be true.Anyway, my question is this, is this something that is common or is something up. It seems like after 3 months she finally had a feeling of guilt. Anyone have any thoughts.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Readytorun

So, my question to the WS's here is what have you done since your A to ensure that you will not find yourself in that same situation in the future?

I am only 27, I have (touch wood) a lot of years ahead of me. With the help of my IC I am exploring FOO issues and past events that shaped me into a broken person with a complete lack of boundaries and poor coping mechanisms. This isn't a quick fix, it is hard and uncomfortable work. I am trying to change the way I see myself, interact with other, undo harmful lifetime habits.

I refuse to let my A define me. I will never be that broken person again. The consequences of making those choices for a second time are incomprehensible, I cannot inflict that much pain and suffering on someone I love again.

These changes are for life, whether my BH and I reconcile or I end up with someone new.

Talk with your new partner about her healing process since her A. You have to be honest about how much this worries you.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
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