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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb, FTG.

He lies because he's afraid, damaged, inauthentic. He's lying to himself as well as you. He's living in a fantasy castle in which he's the fairy king who makes all the rules.

DD used to lie quite a bit when she was a preschooler. We'd ask her, "did you do this?" and she'd deny. Then we learned a trick. Instead of getting harsh with her or accusing her of lying, we'd say, in a playful tone, "Are you making up a story?" Yes, she would quickly cop to it when we framed it that way. And we'd gently redirect her. There's no shame in making up a story, we read stories every day! She's 7 now and rarely lies, but the trick still works.

Your husband is making up stories. Regard them as such. Quietly or

I'm horrified that your kids are being put through the ringer like that, but trust them. It won't take them long to figure him out. "Oh, that's just Dad. Making up stories."


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1193 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

41andthankful - Did any of you write timelines? How difficult was it for you and why?

I sent a lengthy reply by PM which I hope illustrates my point better but briefly said, the act of having to remember each detail and writing it down is a trigger for the WS. Each thing written down is a glaring declaration of guilt, deceit, lies, dishonesty and other despicable action. As you move out of the fog and into a world of remorse, facing your past is hurtful and difficult.

HUFI

Unknown Poster - The mind of a WS is a very sordid, confused place during the preamble, main body, and post mortem of an A. Don't give us too much credit for rational thought.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 9:07 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

three questions

1:is it normal for a wayward to try to use euphemisms when referring to their affair(s) and is it a way of subconciously minimizing what was done?

example:
we touched

2: how did your BS take the use of these euphemisms? did it anger them because it seems like a minimization of what was done or were they grateful that it was vague?

example:
WTF does "we touched" mean?
or
"ahh ok, something physical happened but its vague"

3: did you (as a WS) stop using euphemisms if doing so bothered the BS and how hard was it to do so for you?

example:
instead of "we touched" being factual and stating "i gave him oral sex"


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 546 | Registered: Jan 2014
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

William,

I think you're using the word 'euphemism' when you are in fact talking about minimizing. We touched is quite different than I gave him oral sex.

I did it for a long time, until I realized that there was no minimizing or TTing that would satisfy my BH, and that if I wanted to R I needed to answer whatever he asked 100% honestly or I would lose him. It was getting more and more difficult for me to live with my inauthentic self, too.

My BH kept asking and asking until he got the answers he needed. I minimized because I was afraid, I didn't trust the process, and I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I stopped because BH wasn't having it, and yes, it was very hard to do. But once I answered fully honestly a few times, it became easier and very freeing!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you authentic. i really appreciate the answer and the help.

it is pretty frustrating to ask a question, get an answer back like "we touched", and then have to ask 4-5 more questions before WHAT exactly that means comes out. phrases like this drive me crazy, they take an already difficult process and make it excruciating.

i also want to thank all the other WS that answer on this topic. i know its a hard thing to do, i know that you all are facing your own battles and demons ... and yet you take the time out to help others.

for this you all deserve much more than the simple thanks i can give.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 546 | Registered: Jan 2014
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionicgal - Seems like there are more questions here than waywards these days, but I'd like to ask one.

Thank you for noting that. I posted a thread in the WS forum asking for more volunteers but until someone else comes, you get stuck with me


bionicgal - I cannot make peace with the fact that his reality could have been so different, so skewed. I can't get past what he thought he felt. How could he tell her she was beautiful, when he doesn't think so now? How can he have thought they had some special connection, when now he thinks that was a mirage? And then I wonder, what is really real? He seems clear that it was a destructive fantasy then, and that he was "wrong" about both her and the relationship (his and MC's words) but while I get it logically, I can't seem to move past it emotionally.

And sadly enough, perhaps you never will. Get it emotionally, that is. The how is explained by a whole lot of fancy words including cognitive dissonance, compartmentalization, rationalization etc. etc. It might be helpful to understand that a big part of that fantasy land is a whole world of self-deception. And this website has a ton of great information on the how and why of lying to oneself. http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/self-deception.html

bionicgal - How can you describe your reality then vs now, if you have reconciled? Any metaphors, poems, songs, interpretive dances, or cartoons to help me get it would be appreciated. Straight old logic doesn't seem to cut it. (I don't mean that, actually. Anything would help.)

I've sent a pm with my reply to this question. I hope it helps. Until then, perhaps this drawing may serve to illustrate what our thoughts and feeling were like.

HUFI

overcoming2003 - You may never understand the "why". I did the same thing for a long time, tried to understand why my husband had a PA. There is no answer to that (I don't think). He doesn't even know why he did. I have learned over the years to stop trying to figure out why and start accepting that this is my reality now.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 10:10 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai,

1. Is that true to a certain extent?
2. What makes a WW re-connect?
3. Also I read, that WW's expect their husband to change. Did you expect him to change? Did he make any changes?

I did disconnect from my BH before ever beginning the EA part of the A.

I had to defog or get my head out of my ass before beginning to reconnect. I started to get out of the fog when I knew my BH was going to find out about the A. I found SI and prepared to confess. I learned about mental NC which helped me further out of the fog. The day I confessed to my BH pretty much blew away most of the rest of the fog. Honestly SI was the best help though. I could feel the truth in the words of those who had btdt. A big part of reconnecting was my BHs obvious respect for himself and for me in spite of what I had done. He was not going to tolerate any further disrespect on my part. I had shown I was not worthy of trust and he acted accordingly. He expected me to respect him and myself. ....And then he loved me enough to give me another chance. That was huge. I never expected him to stay with me. I subconsciously expected everyone to leave me (abandonment issues). When he decided to stay I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to think. Eventually I started to think, " maybe he really does love me." Also a major reconnecting event for us was retrouvaille. We were finally able to really share our feelings. It was very eye opening for both of us.

I did hope for/expect change. I wanted both of us to work to improve our M. Even though I take 100% ownership of my A, I want us both to work to improve our marriage. He has worked on communication, showing affection, small acts of kindness toward me, understanding and listening to me.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Is that true to a certain extent?
2. What makes a WW re-connect?
3. Also I read, that WW's expect their husband to change. Did you expect him to change? Did he make any changes?

To all those who took the time to answer this, THANK YOU!!

For BS, if we can ever learn to accept that it was the WS making decisions only about them, and that they fully disconnected from "reality", it should make the healing process easier.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 224 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

William,
I found and read extensively on SI prior to confessing so I knew better than to minimize. It was still very very difficult not to minimize and not to lie though. As a matter of fact I still ended up lying about a few things and having to go back a day or two later and say "remember when you asked me ____ and I said ___? I lied...the truth is...." That was horrible for both of us. I so wished I had told the truth.

It was terrifying though. Even with a firm intention in my mind of speaking only the truth with no minimizing and no TT I still managed to screw it up.

What has helped for some waywards and for me is a pause. I would say to her, "Now take a few minutes before you speak because I need to hear the absolute truth, the whole truth. Don't twist it minimize it or leave out anything no matter how bad." Don't get mad if she asks you if you're sure you want to hear it. The fear is intense when you are telling the most horrible things you have ever done in your life. Also try to prepare yourself to hear it calmly and take a few minutes to process if you need to. That will make it easier for her to talk to you.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I jumped over here per HUFI's request.

bionicgal wrote:

I cannot make peace with the fact that his reality could have been so different, so skewed. I can't get past what he thought he felt. How could he tell her she was beautiful, when he doesn't think so now? How can he have thought they had some special connection, when now he things that was a mirage? And then I wonder, what is really real? He seems clear that it was a destructive fantasy then, and that he was "wrong" about both her and the relationship (his and MC's words) but while I get it logically, I can't seem to move past it emotionally.

I can only answer for myself. I had a LTA. Told AP all of those things. I am convinced that I wasn't lying about them just to have sex.

Here's what my IC and I have discussed:

1. I have kind of figured out that the "love" with the AP was sort of like what we feel towards a high school girlfriend. At 18, I would have said I loved my GF. That would have been an honest feeling. That isn't very deep -- we may have seen each other after lunch, dated every other weekend,and didn't have any bigger concerns than what college to pick. Seemed important at the time. But it's no where near the love with BW. The problem is that "love" is such a huge concept (and so is attraction). My feelings towards AP were on the continuum, but way far away from what I shared with BW. So when I said "love" or a "connection" or "relationship" I wasn't lying. But I was talking about something much smaller and less significant that with BW.

2. I wanted to justify my actions. Since I did such horrible things, I must have had a good reason for it. I convinced myself that I had some emotional connection. That makes it better in my mind.

3. In my A's, I told the AP that they were great, but everyone else was messed up. They did the same thing to me. That's pretty powerful -- we like people who think we are important or attractive.

4. My misplaced priorities got me into the mess. Rather than focus on all the wonderful things my BW provided me and the family, The things I wasn't getting were all that I can think about. I was convinced that my life was a wreck because my BW wasn't attracted to me, or didn't have time to text in the middle of the day, or whatever. When AP provided the one thing that I thought was missing from my life, that made them important. I know now that what was "missing" was really something missing in me. But at the time, I thought I was in the desert, and AP was giving me water.

5. Comparmentalizing. My BW hates that word, but it is a sad reality. For the couple of hours we were together, I completely reduced my world to whatever the AP and I were doing. That is all that existed (other than complaining about the BW, which was for the AP's benefit anyway). So when AP filled up that little box that I set up for her, the only thing I could compare it to was BW filling up so much of my real life. So I thought and said the same things I would have to BW. It's kind of like a scale model of a real relationship. Everything is reduced down to size so that they all fit together. Even though the tires on the model car are really, really small, they still have the same proportion to the rest of the car. Same with my emotions towards AP. (I was just fleshing out that analogy as I was writing, so don't beat me up too bad if it turns out to be bullshit.)

The bottom line is that for me, all of those things I said were just in the context of this little world that I created. When I step outside of that world today, I can see that I didn't really deep down think those things. I don't know if that makes any more sense to you. I'm not at all sure that will be my final answer, either. But that's what I think now.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 558 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

william, your wife is all kinds of messed up. Not judging, I can relate to her a little, and I have deep compassion for lara. What she went through as a child? Damn. It's not an excuse, or a justification, but (based on the professional diagnosis I was given) I'm guessing lara is suffering from PTSD, and under extreme stress she snapped.

But FFS she's handed you a timeline that would make Ron Jeremy blush. It's a testament to your love for her, that you didn't run screaming for the hills.

phrases like this drive me crazy, they take an already difficult process and make it excruciating.

You are so absolutely and completely justified to be hurt, angry, frustrated...wow. Just wow. But you are trying to make sense of the senseless. Searching for answers to questions that have none.

I hope lara comes around and tells you the full and complete truth. The ball is in her court. But, it's in yours too. The crazy can only affect you if you're there to hear it. If you plan to stick around (and nobody would blame you if you didn't), you may be able to help her feel more comfortable telling you the whole truth by giving her a safe space to do that. Frankly I don't know what that looks like, that's between you and her. But we TT because we're afraid. Afraid if you knew the whole truth, you'd leave. You'd hate us.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1193 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot make peace with the fact that his reality could have been so different, so skewed. I can't get past what he thought he felt. How could he tell her she was beautiful, when he doesn't think so now? How can he have thought they had some special connection, when now he things that was a mirage? And then I wonder, what is really real? He seems clear that it was a destructive fantasy then, and that he was "wrong" about both her and the relationship (his and MC's words) but while I get it logically, I can't seem to move past it emotionally.

How can you describe your reality then vs now, if you have reconciled? Any metaphors, poems, songs, interpretive dances, or cartoons to help me get it would be appreciated. Straight old logic doesn't seem to cut it. (I don't mean that, actually. Anything would help.)

It is really hard to describe, you're right...
If you lie to yourself enough you eventually start to believe it. I had eventually convinced myself my BH didn't even like me. My departure from reality was gradual in justifying the A. Like a frog in a pot adjusting to the temp as things warm up until it cooks. My delusion was about what I was feeling. The A was about what the AP made me feel about myself not about what I felt about him.

My reality then was my BH disliked me. He didn't care about me.

Truth was he was hurting too. We were hurting each other. BH was behaving like someone who was hurting not someone who was hating.

It wasn't about the AP it was about my lack of self esteem and self respect and healthy boundaries. I created an alternate reality where I could pretend I was someone else. The AP and I would have never been compatible in reality. I don't believe either of us would have chosen the other.

I'm sorry I can't explain better. I will think on it more.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

William - No, I have never used euphemisms to describe my A. When BH asked for details, I gave them to him straight.

Shortly after Dday, he asked for a blow by blow account of the first time AP and I had sex. I told him everything, exactly as it happened.

He never asked for specific details again. He's since said he thought he wanted to known but when I told him, he wished he didn't. But at least he knew I was prepared to be honest about it.

I think 'we touched' instead of 'I gave him oral sex' is minimising. It's an attempt to gloss over the gory details.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:41 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai - How does one go about shaking off the fog, and what helped any of you ladies get out of the fog. Was it something your husband said or did, or was it something you discovered on your own?

We're all individuals here and so, our stories may differ. I think that being discovered and having the clear light of day illustrating the damage done to the marriage is a powerful motivation to get out of the fog. A strong BS who is putting the 180 into practice tends to bring a WS out of the fog. I think the fog starts to lift when the WS moves from regret to remorse.

I would like to share a poem that was posted here some years ago that talks of the fog.

The Prison

I remember when I took the path,
To that dark and empty space.
A fog began to come over me,
and lead to that place.
I thought the fog was my friend,
and felt it comforted me,
I never saw through it's disguise,
and the monster it turned out to be.
You were standing with your back to me,
and never saw me go.
Wrapped in a blanket made of trust,
secured by the love you know.
I built your prison carefully,
with walls of lies and lust,
I led you inside it's gates,
and stole your blanket of trust.
I put anger with you inside your cage,
so coldly I behaved,
and fed it with defensiveness,
turning it to rage.
I burned that blanket, ashes everywhere
but love escaped the flames,
it ran and hid and tugged at me,
gently calling out your name.
Loved chased away that horrible fog,
and led me to these walls.
I hear your cries, I see your tears,
I try to help, I stumble then I fall.
I stand outside with my new friends, sorrow, guilt and shame,
They tell me I must break down those walls,
and set you free again.
I promise I will set you free,
and turn that prison into a home.
I will stand with love by your side,
and never,never roam.
You have forgiven me for my horrible crime,
Your pain, sadness, and despair are mine.
For you see, the prison is infidelity,
Except the victim does the time.

- A poem by NeverWillAgain -


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

william - Is it normal for a wayward to try to use euphemisms when referring to their affair(s) and is it a way of subconsciously minimizing what was done?

I think in the very early days, using euphemisms can be a form of holding onto the fantasy of the affair.

I recall being told in my first post "HUFI, you're not totally accountable yet because you're still calling your cheating partner your "lost love." It is nauseating, quite honestly, that you're still romanticizing your OP. Perhaps you can get a little more on course by calling the OW what she is: the other woman. There's nothing romantic or special about cheating. The more you can do to de-romanticize it, the more quickly you'll reach indifference. Until then, you're still in the A in your head, and you will not be able to fully recover".

And they were right.

I think after regret and then remorse hits, using euphemisms is a very common defensive technique used as a sub-conscious effort in order to soften the guilt and shame. But a truly remorseful WS who is committed to healing learns that minimizing doesn't support healing and in fact doesn't protect the WS. All it does is create more problems.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KnightsBFF,
Thank you so much for replying. Everyday, I am just looking for evidence that she is out of the fog but I just don't know when it will happen, or if it will ever happen. I am looking to seeing if she is trying to reconnect with me. In some cases she is but a lot she does not feel like she is.

I am just trying to find signs. Also, it seems like it's not my responsibility to help her out of the FOG but it has to happen on her own accord.I read the POEM and what others have said and I just have to let go of this and let her deal with it if she will deal with it.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Lethealbegin
♀ Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi
My Wh has of last week told me some TT and other stuff he lied about the past twenty years. I knew he has been lying because my gut told me. I would try to take some bricks down and my gut would scream danger danger! So I would eventually listen and put them back up! This has been going on for three years. With the help of our MC he confessed. He supposedly has told me everything he can think of and is going to do a time line. He answers all my question takes FULL RESPONCEABLITY for everything and always had.
Why don't I feel like he is sadded or discussed by his behaviors. He tells me so I ask him he calls himself names and etc... He says he is going to get help for his lying. Tonight he is going to a liar meeting on line. Of course I had to find it for him. I told him he needs to be proactive not reactive. I also have full blown PTSD because of him!
Although emotionally I see and feel nothing from him. I hear his words but of course they mean nothing to me.

What should I be feeling or seeing?


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jul 2011
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lethealbegin,
Wait to watch his actions. Let him know what you need from him and what helps you.

I was falling apart inside but very stoic outside at first because I was sort of in shock at what I had done to him...and me...AND because I felt it would be selfish to let him see my pain when I had just turned his world upside down. I had read on SI that it's the waywards job to be strong and to support the BS so I was just watching him looking for anyway I could help him. Eventually I broke down in front of him and he let me know that he needed to see what I was feeling and thinking. He said it helped him to know that I was hurting too. After that I started to communicate what I was thinking and feeling.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What should I be feeling or seeing?
I can't speak to what you should be feeling but what you should be seeing, if your husband is truly remorseful and wants to do the work, is a husband who is actually DOING the work ON.HIS.OWN - you should not be facilitating his healing in any way. In essence, that is you taking ownership for his work and that is the last thing you should do.

In the meantime, focus on you. Work on you. Treat your PTSD because regardless of the outcome with your H, YOU need to be strong and healthy.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5935 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai
1. Is that true to a certain extent?
In my case, to a degree. We had grown apart and were like roommates who had sex.
2. What makes a WW re-connect?
Honestly, that depends on the FWW. In my case, in order to reconnect, my H would have to do to some of his own work.
3. Also I read, that WW's expect their husband to change. Did you expect him to change? Did he make any changes?
Yes. Very little. So little that now, in year 5, it's become a big problem and a threat to the M. If you choose R, both parties are responsible for doing the work. If that's not the case, you aren't in R.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5935 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
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